Saturday, October 8, 2011
I went to a few events last month, one of which was aimed at Catholic, young adult singles. Some things were becoming clear to me, once I opened my eyes and really saw what was in front of me.
As soon as I pulled into the lot of the Catholic singles event, I saw a bumper sticker for Bill Brady on one car and another car with a "crisis pregnancy" center bumper sticker. Crisis pregnancy centers are basically pro-life centers. If I wasn't meeting my bestie at this event, I would have left.
Not only were there signs of Republicans, but most of the guys who were there were either too old or way too young for me. The guy who spoke with me the longest actually had kids. And the conversations were mostly boring small talk, like about jobs.
Again, if it hadn't been for "Amy," I would not have stayed longer than an hour. Some other friends of mine happened to be there. The world of Catholic singles in my city is small after all. I talked to them until Amy arrived.
Surprisingly, though, or maybe not so surprisingly, when I went to the community center where I met Jack, I felt very comfortable. Much more comfortable and welcomed than I did at the Catholic event. They were screening a progressive, radical movie. Complete strangers willing to strike up a conversation, usually about social justicey things. And of course, there was a potluck with plenty of vegan-friendly food.
Jack, of course, was a nice addition too.
If I really open my eyes, I see that Catholic young adult events for singles are probably not the place to meet my Mr. Right. Yet I keep going to them. I go to some hippie-liberal-progressive event, that isn't even a "singles" event, and feel much more at home.
Einstein said something like insanity is doing the same thing over and over though you're getting the same result. I'll go to Catholic young adult events for my own spiritual needs. That's it.
Follow me on twitter @flamencokitty
Image: Danilo Rizzuti / FreeDigitalPhotos.net
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
But facebooking-stalking, lately, has been ruining the fun. It has abruptly stopped my crushing twice. Once I found out info on the guys, I said, "Oh, nevermind. We'll just be friends."
The most recent crush was a guy I met at a community center in my neighborhood three weeks ago. "Jack" is a cute guy. Short, curly black hair. Tan skin. Thick glasses. A few inches taller than me and a thin-to-average build. Super-friendly. And he busted out some Spanish at one point to some people who walked in. Bilingualism is definitely a turn-on for me sometimes. There were a few other volunteers at the center but he couldn't stop talking to me, asking me questions, smiling at everything I say.
I went back to the center over the weekend for a movie night. He actually remembered my name! :) We chatted for a bit before the movie started. After the movie, I ended up conversing with another guy and he ended up talking in another group.
I promptly proceeded to facebook-stalk that night. I only had his first name, but the movie night was posted as an event on facebook. I found him through that. Yes, I have some mad facebook-stalker skills.
Jack's profile was private! Boo. I usually don't friend people, especially people I just met. I let others friend me. But eh, why not? He remembered me, after all. I friended him and mentioned that I was at the movie night. To my delight, he accepted my friend request.
To my dismay, he is six years younger than me. He is also Atheist. Man. Now my crush is gone.
This is why I need to stop facebook-stalking cuties I meet "in real life." I have a rapport with a guy, then I discover incompatibility when I look him up. And it's not something unimportant to me, like music or movie tastes. It's something really important to me, like religion. And then I don't want to pursue him beyond friendship.
Of course when I return to the center for future events, I will gladly stop and have a conversation or two with him. But in the meantime, I guess it's back to okcupid.
Follow me on twitter @flamencokitty.
Image: Stuart Miles / FreeDigitalPhotos.net
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
I have mentioned before that my best friend, Amy, and I are still virgins. She is gung-ho about holding the cherry hostage until marriage.
Right now, I don’t care if I walk down the aisle de-flowered. I haven’t told Amy that I’m not feeling the “wait ‘til marriage” thing anymore.
Anyway, I think we’ve been having similar feelings lately and are interpreting them in different ways. She longs for marriage, like, right now.
For once, Amy’s been trying harder than me to get a man. Her skirts are a little shorter. She’s actually wearing skirts! And heels! And she is finally moving beyond solid colored cardigans and jeans and no makeup. Now she puts makeup on daily, shows a little cleavage and wears bright colors and patterns.
She even started online dating, two years after me. She gave up after a few weeks, though, when she couldn’t get past the online chatting with any guy.
Whenever she talked to a guy online, she told me about why she thought he might be “the one,” why he might make a good husband.
Yes, Amy flat out told me that she really wants a husband. She also hopes the courtship is brief, perhaps only a few months, just like it was with her virginal parents.
And every single time we hang out now, she talks about the lack of men our age in the place. I sometimes don’t even notice. I’m too busy eating or talking to her or whatever.
If Amy is feeling how I’ve been feeling lately, I wonder if it’s really desire for marriage, or if she is just “in heat?”
One of the many reasons I’ve been less active in dating since Spring is because of my toy. Whenever I get all aflutter, satisfaction is just a flick of the switch away. I know Amy has no “toys” and I’m sure she follows the Catholic rule of not pleasuring yourself either.
I can’t imagine the level of sexual frustration that is still pent up in Amy.
I am talking to new guys in public and occasionally send messages on OkCupid. I do try to stay open and alert for guys who are looking my way. I even talked to a guy in a bar recently!
But my level of desperation is not Amy’s. Marriage is not on the horizon for me, and I’m okay with that.
I mean, I still haven’t even been kissed. Let’s get over that hurdle first!
Follow me on twitter @flamencokitty .
Friday, August 26, 2011
So I finally have been playing around with my "Stats" tag on blogger. I discovered that quite a bit of you have been visiting my post regarding whether or not a vibrator can de-flower you. Well, if that's what the public wants...
FYI I did also blog about lessons I've learned from the toy, in case you're interested. But I also wanted to share some of the tips I learned about buying a vibrator.
Firstly, you can buy the toys at adult toy shops or online. Online will often have a bigger selection, but I wanted to go in person because I wanted one IMMEDIATELY. My mailbox also isn't secure, and I certainly did not want the package mailed to my mother!
If you're comfortable, you can also ask the salespeople questions, like "How should I clean this?" They won't care how kinky your questions are. Seriously. Look where they work...
Especially if you're a virgin, be conservative with the size you choose for your first toy. Don't get a rabbit, no matter how cool it looks. It'll probably hurt!
For virgins and other vibe beginners, rule of thumb, or maybe rule of fingers, is that whatever vibrator you get should be about the same width as your middle and index finger put together. Kinda like a fat tampon.
"Bullet" type vibrators are usually a good choice for virgins. An adjustable speed is very nice too. If you plan to play in the tub, waterproof ones are available too.
With lubricant, water-based is usually the best option for most materials. Yes, you will need lube. For real. If you aren't sure which to get, ask a salesperson.
Those tips seemed to work well for me, though now I think I am ready to "upgrade..."
Do you have any other tips for toys? Any recommendations? Feel free to share here or tweet me @flamencokitty.
Monday, August 22, 2011
I recently read a blog post by SingleGalNYC about some of her online dating woes, particularly when it comes to "small talk" on OkCupid. I still struggle with figuring out how much is too much in their "You should message me if," section.
On the one hand, one of the things I can't stand on online profiles is vagueness. It drives me nuts when guys, I suppose in an act of desperation, say "If you like anything in my profile, hit me up." So on my profile, I say some of the things I'm looking for in a guy.
But how much should I say?
I don't go as far as saying what I want my ideal man to look like, what kind of home he should have or how much money he should be making. But I never know for sure if I'm also "preventing the chemistry from unfolding." Are guys turned off by a woman who is explicit in her dealbreakers?
But then again, do I want a guy who gets so bothered by someone who knows what she wants? After all, it doesn't bother me when a guy is specific about who should message him.
Perhaps the best thing, in the end, is just to be who I am. My ideal matches, after all, won't be frightened away by a woman who says five things she is looking for in a guy. He'll say, "Hey, that sounds like me," and drop me a hello.
Follow me on twitter @flamencokitty
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
Pledge to stay a virgin for life? Are you kidding me?
I came across an article about consecrated virgins from July 2011. It wasn't my first time hearing about these women. A fellow virgin friend of mine told me about them a few years ago. She recommended I consider whether or not God is calling me to the life of a consecrated virgin.
I considered it...for about thirty seconds. No. Thank. You
Now of course, there is always the possibility that I will remain a virgin for life anyway because I have no luck with guys, apparently. Becoming a consecrated virgin also isn't the same as becoming a nun. When you're a nun, you have to go wherever your superiors tell you go and do follow the mission of your order. Consecrated virgins can still live their old life, minus dating.
Still, I don't want to close off possibilities completely! I don't know if I'm being called to a romantic relationship, but I'm not feeling the lifelong, voluntary virginity. What if I finally meet a Mr. Right after "marrying" Jesus? What to do, then?
Besides, although I'm technically a virgin, I have a "toy." I know you don't have to be little Miss Perfect and Pure to be a nun. I've know nuns that have cussed, talked about cute guys and didn't dress like school marms all the time. Still, I would have a really hard time ignoring all my biological urges for life. It's not okay for a consecrated virgin or nun to own an adult toy. Masturbation is a sin in the Catholic Church.
I wish all the consecrated virgins the best. I hope that their relationship with God and Jesus is strengthened because of their choice. However, although consecrated virginity is opening their world, it would close mine.
Thursday, August 4, 2011
I had neglected my mission to go to bars by myself, but recently started up again. I don’t know if I’m picking the wrong bars, the wrong times, or both, but for some reason, I am not running into many young, single guys. At all the bars I’ve gone to, the majority of young men there were with girls.
Apparently, I’m going at the “date hour,” or something.
So, I posted a status update to facebook asking where young single guys go. Two people, only one of whom was a girl, responded. I wish more of my guy friends would have jumped in but oh well. I’m not so sure this is the most inclusive list, but here are my friends’ answers:
-serious sports bars
-a place where I’m likely to be the only female, like golf clubs, boating clubs or craft brew bars
Is that about right? Are there other places that single guys, who are over 25 and under 35, frequent? Where the young, single guys at?
By the way, you can now stalk, er, follow me on twitter @flamencokitty
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
It's easy to find Marilyn memorabilia. She's everywhere. But Bettie? I have to go online to find her, or at least to find a selection of her.
I work part-time over Summer, so I don't have as much disposable income as during the rest of the year. But I had enough money in PayPal to treat myself to a "sexual totem." I have moved my goofy tchotchkes from the top of my room's book shelf and replaced them with Bettie, candles, and pretty empty wine bottles.
My camera phone doesn't really do my display justice, but you get the idea.
There were so many prints I liked! However, since people sometimes come to visit me, and one of the entrances to my apartment goes through my room, don't ask why, I didn't want to make any guests uncomfortable with a pic of Bettie in her underoos, rolling off a knee-high nylon.
I mean, I knew it would be in my room, but still.
I thought the print was still sexy, fun, and matched my idea of female sexuality. She's also clad-enough that I don't think anyone who passes through my room, should they notice her, will be weirded out. Dad recently stopped by to feed the kitties when I went out of town, and he didn't ask about it.
By the way, the candles smell all musky and earthy. Of course they are soy candles and locally made by Scented Seasons. Yes, I know you can't smell the candles online, but if you live in Illinois or Northwest Indiana, perhaps they will be coming to a farmer's market or fair near you.
And no, they didn't pay me to plug them.
The scents I got were Happy Hippie, Woodstock, and Earth Angel. They're all basically sandalwood with some other stuff. Happy Hippie is my favorite.
So in terms of the five senses, I've got smell and have begun sight. Hopefully, the next change will be touch with soft, more-than-200-count-thread bedsheets...
Saturday, July 2, 2011
Or so I like to think.
Anyway, I've taken an interest in boudoirs lately. I love the idea of a private, girly space that is only for the woman of the house (and whoever she chooses to invite). A place to relax, get pretty, and be sexy. Most women who live with someone else just don't have the space to have their own boudoir separate from the bedroom they share with their mate. The nice thing about living by myself is my bedroom can be my boudoir. I must take advantage of this opportunity.
Even though I think my room is cute, it does not scream "sex." I ask myself, "If I had a man, would I want to bring him in here?" I mean, I know most men probably could care less if the bedroom looks like a boudoir, but do I feel sexy in this space?
The main issue I have right now with my room is the color scheme. Because I rent, I cannot change the wall colors. Three walls are beige and one is chocolate brown. Currently, the color scheme of my fabrics are basically brown, aqua/turquoise, and light green. It's kind of like this.
The color scheme isn't bad. I think I did a good job with buying linens that "go" together. That color scheme is quite popular, actually. It was easy for me to find stuff that was brown-blue-green. But it's not sexy. Not to me anyway. My senses don't really awaken when I walk in my bedroom. I don't feel a rush. My inner sex kitten just keeps right on napping.
And when I look at pictures of "boudoirs," I don't see a whole lot of brown.
Well I can't paint the walls into a hot amber or jewel tone, which is what I really want. I can't even paint white walls that I could dress up with hot, fiery accessories. But I had no idea how to make brown "sexy."
And then I found some inspiration.
So in order to make brown sensual...
1) Use "warm" colored, dim lighting (especially candles). Think shades of yellow.
2) Add accessories with deep, dark red.
3) Add gold.
4) Think "rock," like a Greek temple or Turkish bath (marble, stone furniture or accents).
Now I don't feel so limited, or feel like my room will forever be just "cute." I don't need to wait until I buy a condo and paint the walls whatever I want. I can have my boudoir, even with brown walls.
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
It would be inaccurate to say I never ever wanted kids. In high school, I told Mom I would have up to four kids. I even had names picked out for my “future” children. I remember talking about what kinds of toys I would buy, what kind of house I would live in, what I would do with the kids when I got sick of them: “Go outside and don’t come back in until dark!”
Looking back, though, I realize that there is a difference between “planning” for something and “wanting” something. Even though I had some Hallmark images of what being a parent would be like, pregnancy frightened and disgusted me. I also knew there was always the possibility that my kids could grow up to be psychopaths. It rubbed me the wrong way whenever someone said, “The most womanly thing you can do is have a baby,” though at the time, I did not understand why it bothered me…
Growing up, parenthood was never presented as optional, especially not in a Catholic context. If you got married, you had kids, unless something was wrong with your body.
In my mind, sex, marriage and children were all intertwined. The Catholic Church teaches that sex has two functions: building the bond of a married (heterosexual) couple and reproduction. Essentially, sex isn’t fully “sex” unless it is fun for the couple and open to procreation, hence why it should only be done in marriage. Children are supposed to be the physical manifestation/representation of a married couple’s love for each other. So my previous goal was not to marry until I was ready to have kids. Therefore, I did not want to start dating seriously until I was ready to get married. So I really couldn’t start dating until I was ready for kids.
After some extensive soul-searching in my mid-twenties, I realized I will never be “ready” for kids. My life decisions were not leading me to parenthood, and I really wasn’t keen on the idea of being a mom after all. I had become a “fencesitter” in my early twenties. In my mid-twenties, I gladly placed myself on the “childfree” side of the fence.
Right after I came to this realization, I went to a friend’s wedding. During the reception, the priest started talking about the couple’s future family. I thought, “That will never be me up there. I will never get married, because I am never having kids.”
A couple months later, though, I read an article in a local newspaper about married couples who chose not to have kids. I thought, “You can do that?” That idea captured my imagination.
The thought of being married to a man and raising kids with him was weird, uncomfortable, scary, strange, even nauseating. But to just be married to a man, to have all the years of marriage be like everyone else’s “early years of marriage, before the kids were born,” that sounded exciting! Soon after I read that article, I made online dating profiles.
So my childfreedom is actually what motivated me to date. I no longer saw kids as necessary to marriage. Of course, this does not fly in the Catholic (or perhaps any) Church. Human sterilization is actually a “mortal sin” (though you can actually still get married despite being sterilized) and a Catholic marriage has to be open to children. So how do I survive in this Church?
As pro-natal as the Church is, the Church also recognizes the many gifts of single people. Many Catholic saints neither married nor had kids, and the Church points to them as examples of how we should live. Also, because I live in a major Catholic city, I have choices for parishes. I previously attended a parish that mainly held events for families with children and senior citizens. They had nothing for single young adults (without kids). I now attend a parish with a high young adult population. It hosts events for young adults weekly. There is actually a middle-aged married couple who joins in the activities too, and they have no kids. I never asked them why they had no kids, but it inspires me. They found a place. I can too.
Thursday, June 23, 2011
It is easy to say, “I will not have sex until marriage,” when you have never been in the throngs of passion. Am I untouched because I pull my hand away when guys reach for it, or turn my head away when guys lean in for a kiss?
Guys do not reach for my hand, do not lean in for a kiss. Perhaps my virginity has created a “hands-off,” aura around me. This is fine when dirty old men on the corner yell, “Hey! Can I tap that?” This is a problem when I'm with guys I like.
Sometimes, I do want a guy to play with my blouse. But they don't. The only time guys have ever touched me in the bathing suit area was strangers grabbing my butt at a nightclub. Eww.
So when I liked a guy, I have tried to give hints that physical contact was welcome on date number two. While walking together down the street, I made sure that nothing was in my hands, got a hand within a centimeter of his, and kept it open. When riding with the guy in a car, I leaned in, laughed, smiled and held eye contact. I sat next to the guy on the train and got close enough that our thighs touched and arms kept brushing, with all those smiles and eye contact and leaning in. Once on a movie date, I put my arm on the arm rest next to him.
The guy at the movie didn't even do that cliché move of stretching and putting his arm around my shoulders! I just don't know what to do. Either I'm too subtle or the guys are too disinterested. I don't know. I guess I have to sit on the guy's lap, wrap my arms around his neck, stick my face right in his and part my lips.
I don't know if I want to be with a guy who needs such a not-so-subtle hint…
It is difficult to keep being assertive, to initiate contact, when even after you initiate contact, they still do not ask you out. Or when you go out with them, they do not make a move. I try to persist, but it is hard.
So I think, “Let the guys come to me.” I need proof. I have seen what my guy-friends do when they like a girl. They chase, even the shy ones chase. The girls just have to sit and exist. The guys run to them.
Guys are not running after me. I try to watch for a guy who is checking me out, but usually, no one's looking. Once a month, MAYBE one attractive guy will check me out. If I get any male attention, it is from horndogs on the corner.
So whenever my non-virgin friends complain about not feeling sexy, I think, “Well at least someone screwed you!” Some days I think some good guys out there will not just see me as a sweet, nice, intelligent FRIEND who they respect. Yes, guys have told me they “respected me,” and therefore just wanted to stay friends. What? You cannot simultaneously desire and respect the same woman?
Yet sometimes I think, “Stop kidding yourself. You're average-looking at best. You don't have a ‘milkshake,’ no matter how many bellydance classes you take. You are a prude nerd in bellydance clothing. You're holding back a ‘cookie’ that probably isn't even good. What man in his late twenties or early thirties wants to work for bad, virgin sex? You're hopeless. Go play with your cats.”
Friday, June 17, 2011
However, in addition to “bad girl” sexual totems, there are also “good girl” totems. Good girl totems are objects from your girlhood that actually reconnect you to your chaste, childish self. These, therefore, can hinder your blooming sexuality. So in addition to placing a conspicuous sexual totem in your home, you also need to get rid of or hide those things that tie you to your inner little girl.
Like most humans, I like the concrete. I do believe external objects can connect us to internal experiences. So I heeded this advice. Looking around my apartment, I realized that I had displayed girlhood objects in my living room and, even worse, my bedroom.
Of course, I am not going to dispose of old keepsake dolls. However, I decided to store most of them out of sight. Only my Scarlett O’Hara doll remains. Even though I received her when I was as a super-chaste teenager, I think it does help reconnect me to my sensuality. Scarlett is definitely a fiery, spirited woman, so I like having her near. I can't say that putting away the toys has completely unleashed my inner vixen, but my apartment does feel different.
I still haven't found a sexual totem though. I mean, Scarlett is okay for now. But she's still a little too safe. She is on display on my living room's “Gone with the Wind” shelf. I need something for my bedroom.
And I have an idea of what I want.
My favorite pin-up girl is Bettie Page. Now I know she posed for some scandalous bondage photos, of which I am not a huge fan (though some are cool). But I love her mischievous smile and “sexy girl next door” attitude. Her little “peep show” dance routines are too funny. She just shakes and prances and teases. I try to channel her spirit whenever I'm on stage. Burlesque in general interests me, though I still haven't gone to a Burlesque show. I want something Burlesque-y or Bettie Page-y. Maybe a poster of her on my wall. Maybe a Burlesque book on displayed on my shelf. Those seem to awaken my dormant “bad girl.”
So here is a taste of my favorite "bad" girl, Bettie.
Follow me on twitter @flamencokitty
Thursday, June 16, 2011
In our young adult meeting last night, we slipped into talking about dating. After sharing a few of my dating woes, I told the moderator/minister that some of my friends have accused me of being too picky. After a quizzical look, she said, "But it's for the rest of your life. You're looking for someone you want to sit up with when you're seventy." A single mom in the group added, "When you let go of your standards, then you end up with a baby."
It's nice to talk to people who "get" it.
The moderator added, "Now if you're looking for just a little summer love, you shouldn't be picky, but if you're looking for the rest of your life, that's different."
So I googled "picky date," "picky dating,"etc, and found the following pictures. Enjoy!
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
I am contemplating a career change. Not to find a man...necessarily. However, I am considering a career in a field that has more men. Actually, I think it’s predominantly male (woohoo!). So just for fun, I decided to google which jobs are male-heavy. Some I would have thought of on my own (like construction), but it was fun to just see more official lists and get more ideas. With some help from about.com, NEW and the Florida Times, here is a list of jobs dominated by men:
Small engine mechanics
So if you’re thinking of a career-change, why not put yourself in the place of more suitors? Although, if you are a construction worker, I guess the men might not find you all that feminine or womanly. Well, that is, until you come to the holiday party all dolled-up! You can also work behind the desk in some of these industries though as the accountant, secretary, lawyer, etc. Why not consider it?
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
No one had approached me at the laundromat since high school, until Sunday.
I saw a young-ish man checking me out. Well, I thought I did. I am notorious for misinterpreting signals. Anyway, he was kinda cute, to me anyway. It was hard to fully gauge his cuteness as he was dressed in ratty laundry-day clothes, but he had a cute face. I walked past him a few times to verify my suspicions (and give him something to look at in case he was checking me out...).
This laundromat has a room with wifi where you can work on your laptop. I sat in there and net-surfed while my clothes were drying. The young man stopped in and asked, "Do you think my clothes are dry yet?" I replied I didn't notice when he started the dryer but it was seven minutes per quarter. He glanced at my laptop and then said, "Let me show you something. Go to youtube." He showed me a variety of silly youtube videos that he liked. Some were funny and some were mindless time wasters, but he was cute and had a nice smile and pretty eyes, so I didn't mind the company. :-P He showed me some clips of his favorite anime too. Wow, we anime fans can sniff each other out anywhere, huh? I have been out-of-touch with all things anime since high school, however.
Of course, I was taking mental notes of said boy as we talked, well, he talked, rather. He had a specialized knowledge (plus), he was friendly without being all "hey baby, hey hot stuff" (plus), he could hold a conversation (plus), he took the initiative to approach me (plus). Oh, and yeah, he was cute. I was playing "makeover" in my head, imagining how he might look when he wasn't in laundry-day gear. I wasn't sure how old he was, knew no details like job, school, or whatnot, and didn't want to go there, really. All I knew was he was a friendly, youngish guy in my neighborhood who knew how to do his own laundry and shares an interest with me.
He eventually said, "Hey, do you have facebook?" It was one of the tabs on my computer screen so I had to say, "Yes." He said, "Here, friend request me." Twitter is actually for my professional stuff, which I would have been more comfortable giving, but he didn't have Twitter, so I facebooked him. Whoa, how did he manage to get a facebook friend request out of me? This guy's good. I figured if the guy turned out to be weird, I could always delete him later. I guess this was his equivalent of asking a girl for her number.
I googled his name later (of course) and found out that he was actually twenty-years old. Ew, he can't even drink legally yet? That's almost a ten year difference. Darn google. Why did I have to google him and spoil my fun? Anyway, I have to give the young guy kudos for doing what guys my age don't do (anymore?). I know I was giving off "leave me alone" body language, though I was consciously trying to be more approachable.
But this boy did exactly what any match needs to do with me. The guy needs to approach me, but he needs to do it in a friendly way. No "hey beautiful, hey baby girl, can I talk to you?" Just come and talk to me, maybe talk about a "prop" I'm carrying. He needs to actually be able to talk about something other than work or school. He needs to be persistent, even when I'm giving off "leave me alone," signals (like me saying, "I have to get going"). Is it a lot? Yeah, maybe. But he got a friend request out of me, which gives a lot of access to my personal, inner world. I don't even give that to guys I contact on okcupid. I don't even give out my phone number until right before I meet a guy! So his persistence worked.
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
Now, however, I've figured out a few ways to let the guys indirectly know that nothing is happening after the date, in case they couldn't figure it out by our lack of sex talk and me only hugging them after the date.
1) Put a time limit on the date-I tell guys when we're setting up the date that I will only have 45 minutes to an hour.
2) Schedule dates in the afternoon or early evening-Apparently, if the date is after sundown, some guys seem to assume the date is going to go all night. Schedule it early!
3) Have a lie ready, especially if you have to meet after dark-Of course, if he's nosy and asks what you have going on after the date, you could be honest and say, "Oh, I'm just tired," or "Oh I need some me-time," as "None of your business" is probably too mean. :-P However, implying that you'll be home alone might leave the door open for him to pester you and say, "Well, do you want a little company?..." I always have a stock lie ready (which I have yet to use): my neighbor is having a girls-night-in at her apartment.
4) Have your own way to get home-It seems some guys think of a ride home as a down payment for action. Is that some "game" thing? If you offer a girl for a ride and she says "Yes," that means she wants you to come to her apartment? I don't know all the "rules." If I wanted him to come upstairs, I wouldn't have waited until the car ride to tell him so!
Whenever I have put a limit on the date and scheduled the dates by day, I never had a slightly awkward, "So, you wanna do anything else," conversation. But even the guys who were hoping for some action on date one seem to get it after date two, and I never hear from them again (thankfully).
Monday, April 25, 2011
Of course, the book assumes the person reading it is not a virgin, which just makes me feel like an even bigger baby as I read it! It's self-helpy, but so far, I think it will be fun and helpful even if I don't do every single "exercise."
I did begin the first exercise in the book, however. In the exercise, Keesling asks the reader to write down times from her past where her sexual development was stifled by someone else. An example might be looking at pictures of naked men in a magazine and your momma saying, "No, stop that!" It can be a distinct memory, or a feeling, or a mashing of memories.
As I brainstormed all the times I received the message "sex(uality) was bad" in childhood (and boy, there were a lot), I discovered something in particular that was unsettling. My father was very controlling of me growing up (it's fun to be the oldest). I thought I had successfully rid myself of the chains he held on me in childhood during my adult life. Looking at my sexual repression list, though, I saw what a huge impact he had on my sexual development, and that I actually haven't shaken all of his problematic teachings. I'm not as free of him as I thought I was.
A few examples of lessons from dear old dad (some more problematic than others):
When I was 10, I had a peasant shirt that could be worn off-shoulder. Dad said to cover my shoulders. (I only show them in public now at the beach).
I was forbidden from wearing skirts that did not go below the knee (Most of my skirts are knee-length or longer).
No slits in skirts either (I still don't have any skirts with slits...).
No makeup until age 16 (I rarely wear it now).
No dating until age 16 (I didn't really start until I was 25).
If I was dancing and started shaking my hips, Dad said to stop.
Dad always told me that "Men and boys are only looking for one thing!" Wonder why I'm so distrustful of men...
It was basically a whole lot of "Don't show men any remotely sexual part of your body, ever" and "Stay away from males."
Even Mom, though, had a bigger influence than I thought. I thought she was the more lenient parent, but she had a few doozies too. The major one she told me at age six? "Only your husband or doctor should see you naked."
And here I thought the Catholic Church was the main one to blame for me saying, "I'm not having sex until marriage."
Were my parents trying to sexually repress me? Did they only have my best interests at heart? Were they just trying to protect me? No, yes and yes. Should I keep pointing the finger at my parents for my issues in adulthood? No. The beauty of adulthood is now you can turn around the errors of childhood, start anew.
And with The Good Girl's Guide... (and other aids like it), I hope to do just that.
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
Well actually, I take that back. Word on the street is that sometimes playtime with a toy can be more satisfying than playtime with a man…
Anyway, I figured a toy can still help me learn what I like, help loosen things up before I play with a real man (per the recommendation of a toy website I visited, I bought a toy that is about the width of two of my fingers) and satisfy urges enough for the time being. During our relationship, I have learned some things which I think will apply when…ok if, I actually play with a real man.
1) If you are not relaxed, nothing is going in. Or if it does squeeze in without relaxation, it hurts!
2) Lube helps, particularly when one has not sufficiently “warmed up.”
3) But too much lube means little-to-no-feeling...
4) Your mind should be relaxed and all Zen-like. Just let go and go with the flow.
5) Experiment (with intensity, speed, position).
6) Experiment with different times of day. Forget caffeine to jumpstart the morning!
9) Experiment with the environment (music, no music, some light, no light).
10) Move with the music!
11) See what room temperature works. For me, I usually need to turn off the space heater, just like when I do other exercise. Go figure.
12) The exception to number 4: fantasize that someone (else?) is with you…
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
My Flamenco teacher hosted a birthday party for one of my dancemates, “A.” I attended thinking it would be a small affair. Just some Flamenco sisters of mine.
However, as soon as I walk in the door, I find A fumbling around in the kitchenette as she chats with four, young, male friends of hers. My teacher is MIA.
Guys? There are guys here? I have walked into a sea of strangers!
Maybe “sea of strangers” is strong, but there were even more people I did not know in the backyard.
Now, a seasoned flirter rejoices at situations where she knows no one. Flirting opportunities, yay! Well, I still despise (and avoid) parties where I only know two people. Posses of young men intimidate me. I walked to the backyard, hoping to find my teacher.
Well, I fell into my habit of just sitting by the food and spent the first hour talking to other women. However, my peripherals noticed one of A’s cute guy friends (who I first saw inside) sitting a few feet to my right. Fair skin, medium-build, short black hair, glasses with plastic black frames, jeans that actually fit, a little peachfuzz on the face. My type, physically.
My peripherals also noticed, though, that every other time I spoke, Cutey looked my way. Wha? Not possible.
After chatting with the two ladies at the food table, I moved to another seat and conversed with another woman. I was then across from him (though six feet away), and again I noticed that nearly every time I said something, he looked at me, sometimes smiling or laughing. I thought, “Well, he is the one who is in a group. Let him come to me if he really wants to talk.” But honestly, I also thought it impossible that a guy as cute as him would be checking me out. I needed proof that he really was into me before I approached him.
After an engrossing conversation with my dance teacher (so engrossing that I stopped paying attention to Cutey), I headed inside to make a stovetop s'more. The two little kids at the party walked in and of course were intrigued by the s'more and asked me about it, but then pranced away. Next comes Cutey.
Cutey? Could he be following me? Ha! No way. Guys don't follow me! Anyway, he just asked where the paper towels were.
But were paper towels all he wanted?
A little more confident now (or perhaps just running away with my internal romance novel), I strolled back outside…to the food table. Cutey was standing there. I stood by Cutey and grabbed some bread. He reached over to grab wine. Someone said something funny. We both laughed. He was still standing just a foot away, body facing mine. I said something about the food. He smiled (or laughed, I don't remember).
“Should I say something? Is this an opportunity? I always miss opportunities. I am going to kick myself all night if I still do not talk to a guy even when he is checking me out. But maybe he isn't checking me out. Hey, he is still next to me…”
I reached out my hand and introduced myself. An hour-long conversation ensued, and I left the party about 90 minutes later than I originally planned.
Unbelievable! I achieved something I never thought I could achieve on a night that I had zero expectations of talking to any new guys. I broke the ice with a guy I met “in real life.”
This weekend, I picked up a Flirting Bible from Borders’ clearance section. According to this "bible," there were a few things I did wrong. I think I got a lot of the body language right, but now I need to learn what to actually say. Still, even though Cutey did not ask for my number, we carried on an extended conversation, and he invited me to sit with him as we moved back to his posse to talk. So I still consider that a HUGE step for me. I must have done something right. And anyway, one should not just flirt just for the ends, the number. Flirt for flirting's sake, right?
I may never meet Cutey again, but that night gave me some more confidence. Yes, there are guys who are my type and find me attractive. I must not hesitate to introduce myself when a cute guy is making it pretty clear that he wants to know me better…
Thursday, April 7, 2011
In her post, Von was basically telling nerdy black men to STFU. Apparently these men keep complaining that all the hot black girls (“dime pieces”) only go for the thugs and are overlooking these “good” nerds. She makes several points. First off, not every black man is either a thug or a nerd. She defines a nerd as an oogly mofo with no charisma, no social skills, poor fashion, book smarts and a lot of bitterness toward black women. Think Steve Urkel. She differentiates this group of guys from black intellectuals, who are super smart but also have charisma, social skills and know how to pick out a suit. Think Barack Obama. There are plenty of black men within the spectrum of smart with no swagga (nerds) and dumb with swagga (thugs).
Secondly, she points the mirror right back at the nerdy black guys who call the dime pieces “superficial” for turning them down because the dimes do not find them attractive. Von asks nerdy black men why they are not going after female black nerds? Instead, they complain and pursue the “reject” White women (like the chubby ones) and find those reject white women more attractive than nerdy black women. In her own words, “You want a dime piece black woman, but you'll settle for a nerdy marginal white woman [Linda Gates]. You wouldn't accept a black female version of yourself but you would accept a marginal white woman. Tell me what's wrong with this picture!”
According to Von, of course the dime is going to reject a bitter, “ugly,” socially awkward nerd who hasn't made any money yet. However, there are dimes who will still turn down a black nerd after he makes his money, because they see that underneath the Benjamins is that same bitter personality. Money can't cure every fault. I have to agree that even though I like guys who are nerdy, bitterness toward women is a turn off.
Now Von isn't the final authority on the black nerd dating scene, of course. I mean, who is? And I don't agree with everything she says. For example, while I concur that some nerds look like Chewbacca, beauty is relative. However, as a nerdy mixed gal (I say “nerdy” as opposed to nerd, as I don't think I'm completely lacking in swagga), I have seen a lot of what she's saying. I have known plenty of black nerds, and only one ever pursued me. And yes, by and large, nerds that I have known (of all colors) did chase the “dimes,” at least in junior high and undergrad (I went to an all-girls high school and so cannot comment on high school dating drama), and then they got all bitter when the “hottest” girls chose the “hottest” guys. Black nerds never give biracial, nerdy me the time of day, and I have nerdy, black girl friends who are single.
I can't really blame the hotties for turning down the nerds. About a year ago, the Discovery Channel showed a documentary about attraction, and said that we basically find out where our hotness stands during adolescence and pair up accordingly. In seventh grade, I learned pretty quickly that I was not a “ten.” I went to a magnet (meaning you had to score high on an entrance exam to get in) junior high, so you would think I would be surrounded by homely nerd girls who would make me look like Beyonce. Not so much. My geekiness was not quite at the level of the “Magic the Gathering” players, but I certainly was not dating a high school senior while in eighth grade (like our class dime, “Erica”). Why would the alpha-female go for a nerd when she knows she can get an alpha-male? The girly girl wants a manly man. Duh.
Yes, my nerdy self does have a celebrity crush on Johnny Depp, but seriously, that skinny guy who's in love with France is not an alpha-male. The Rock could totally kick his ass. Alpha-males don't impress me much, though. I like falsetto (i.e. kinda girly) singers. Robin Thicke makes me swoon. Barry White? Meh. I like longer, ear-length hair on guys (kinda girly) and slim bodies (kinda girly). Glasses are also not a turn-off for me. Flattering frames can be a turn-on, actually. And although I like a guy with some charisma, who is not stumbling and bumbling over every word on a date, a man who will just sit with me in the corner at a party and chat instead of mingling with everyone, is just fine with me.
Some nerds, therefore, I actually find attractive! No shit!
In seventh grade, I did have a little crush on some nerdy, twin, eighth grade boys. They sat at our lunch table. They showed me little to no attention. I don't think I said more than five words to either of them all year. For one, I felt guilty for lusting after boys. However, even if I did want to show them that I liked them, I had no clue how to do so at age thirteen! One might argue that if you like a guy, you should just be proactive, get over your shyness and go for him. But why bother even trying to “get over” your shyness when he isn't paying attention to you, especially if he's chasing a girl who is “prettier” than you? Might as well direct your efforts elsewhere (like your homework) and admire the boy secretly.http://www.blogger.com/img/blank.gif
I do think some nerd men in their mid-late twenties start to get it. I do have nerdy, white girl friends who are dating or are married/engaged to nerdy, white guys. I've gone on dates with nerdy, white, Asian and Latino guys. Despite my “checklist,” most of the guys I know I would happily go on a coffee date with. My checklist is not just to weed out guys I am least likely to like. It's also to narrow the selection to the guys who are least likely to reject me. Anyway, I know plenty of single, nerdy guys that get bitter when they have no luck going beyond the friend zone with the hotties. This they complain about to their single, nerdy, female friends….
Follow me on twitter @flamencokitty
Monday, April 4, 2011
I do enjoy this song. Not gonna lie.
I've been thinking about this a lot lately...not the song specifically, but the idea. :P I went to an all-girls high school so I didn't experience watching some guy I crushed on since freshman year chasing after (or dating) a girl who was so not right for him. However, based on my experience since high school, I think that had I gone to a co-ed school, Taylor Swift's character totally would have been me. Geeky girl likes geeky guy, but geeky guy likes the girl who's a "ten." At least Taylor has a happy ending. Lucky.
Sunday, April 3, 2011
Also, I don't want kids ever. No, never ever. Will I change my mind? I doubt it. The only reason I would do it, as far as I can see, is because of biological urges, and I'm pretty good at resisting biological urges...But apparently okcupid says the best matches for me are the guys who want 3-4 kids. You expect me to spew at least three humans out my uterus to prove my love for you? No thanks.
But after talking to some guys and reading posts by some guys on forums, it's interesting to see what they are willing to do to get with a girl they like.
Firstly, my cousin Lou (who is the same age as me) married a vegetarian, Layla. She was raised vegetarian while I converted in college. So of course, when we get together, Layla and I exchange recipes and talk endlessly in our Vegetarianese (seitan, nutritional yeast, tempeh...). He joins in at times, because now he's mostly vegetarian. He likes a steak every now and then, though it messes up his digestion for a couple days when he eats it now! He did not grow up vegetarian, though. Like me, his dinners growing up were basically "big-chunk-o-meat and potatoes," "big-chunk-o-meat and steamed veggies" or "big-chunk-o-meat with bread and butter." He seems pretty cool with being veggie, and they are raising their son to be mostly-veggie. I think he's convinced that being vegetarian is good for your health and still delicious.
However, I've read posts by guys in their early-to-mid twenties who said they were dating a girl who was vegetarian and they went vegetarian while with her, but then went back to eating meat after they broke up. It makes me wonder if that was Lou once upon a time, if he converted in college to be more appealing to his then-girlfriend. "Yeah, Layla, I'll try a seitan sandwich. Sounds great..." Had he married another woman, would he be mostly vegetarian now?
Also, just when I was thinking that my childfreedom is limiting my selection of men too much, that I'm putting myself on the road to spinsterhood (not that that's necessarily a bad thing, as long as I'm a cool spinster), D told me about how he broke up with his last girlfriend because she was undecided about kids (but leaning toward yes), while he discovered during the course of the relationship that he really didn't want kids. He said that a lot of guys don't think seriously about having kids. They just want the "cookie" (as Steve Harvey calls it). So they go along with parenthood because their significant other really wants a widdle baby. From the way he said it, it sounded like quite a few guys are actually undecided or ambivalent, but figure, well, babies come with the cookie...
That restored my faith a bit, though I apparently encounter all the men with the "baby rabies!" I shouldn't lament that I'm too hard to match and think that I need to change core beliefs to get a guy. I certainly don't expect a guy to convert to Veganism to be with me, though he needs to understand I ain't cooking meat for him! And if D's assessment is accurate, I shouldn't think that all guys who claim to want kids will be turned off by me. They might just be saying that because they figure all girls want to reproduce, even though they could probably go either way on the parenting thing.
I'm still not messaging guys who say they want 3-4 kids, but maybe I should send a message to the ones who say, "1 or 2." It's just coffee date anyway, not a marriage proposal.
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
Some things I have done alone:
-Gone to documentary screenings that were followed by discussion ("Forks Over Knives," "The World According to Monsanto," and "The End of the Line")
-Attended a fundraiser at a bar for an animal shelter
-Participated in my parish's young adult trivia night at a pub
-Took dance lessons with the same young adult group
-Caught up on some reading at a coffeeshop
-Mingled with new people at my other young adult group's biweekly meeting
So after several weeks of busyness, I chose to chill out this week, spending Monday, Tuesday (and tonight) at home! It's been nice to just exercise, veg out, cuddle with my cats and actually play a Wii game besides Wii Fit!
Have any new dates come from these excursions? No. Although I've been enjoying myself so much that I sometimes forget my other objective of staying alert for guys. Of course, when I am on the lookout, I only notice coupled guys checking me out, or old men. Not old like 35 years old. Old like wrinkles and gray hair. Ugh. There are few single guys at any of the things I attend. It's hard not to think that all the men my age aren't taken. Where are the single guys?
I have been lax about okcupid too, although a guy I messaged a couple weeks ago, B, finally responded. Apparently he's been crazy busy too. I looked at his profile again as I couldn't remember why he piqued my interest!
As long as I'm doing something I enjoy, I don't feel lonely in a crowd, and I'm not afraid to go alone. I already go to so many things alone as a single person anyway: laundromat, book club, grocery store, car, gas station, church, work, library, doctor, vet, dentist. I didn't understand why I initially felt a little nervous about doing fun stuff alone. I'd rather attend a Vegan documentary by myself than go to a big party with a friend. Not sure why those two things feel so different. Maybe because I like documentaries about the environment and really dislike big parties, so much that even going with my best friend doesn't help.
Perhaps putting myself in all these places, with all these new people, will bring guys my way. But if not, at least I'm having fun in the meantime.
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
I'm a big Francophile and have a friend who's an Anglophile, and we often discuss how we wished we lived across the Atlantic. Next to my hometown, Paris is my favorite city, and I've been missing it lately. So I was looking at pictures of French-style apartments. Man, they're beautiful.
Ah, Spring. I could just sit and eat here for hours.
I could spend an entire Saturday playing with this "mood board."
And I'm not really a Coco Chanel fan, but her sitting room is the shiz. I think she might become one of my favorite women from history.
Now, I also am a fan of chic, modern interiors along the lines of IKEA.
Still not sure how to reconcile the two in my own apartment. It's looking more IKEA due to my budget! But Amelie's apartment seems like a good mix of what I like in home decor.
As I spent my lunch break looking at beautiful interiors from French and French-ish apartments, I reflected on my online dating struggles. I just don't find many men online attractive...at all. Or I'll find a man who is attractive to me, but then I think, "Oh, he wouldn't like a girl like me." Yes, I should just go for the guy, message him, but I don't. I get one or two messages per week from guys. Usually they're completely not what I want, but once in a while, the profile information looks good. However, I just don't find the man attractive, and I feel guilty, shallow. If the unattractive man wrote a real message to me, I respond anyway, but then end with, "Good luck in your search!" That's my indirect way of saying, "Not interested." On the one hand, beauty is skin deep, personality is more important than looks. So even though I don't like shaved heads, full beards, cornrows, Bob Marley dreads, Coogi, flannel, blonde hair, overweight builds, I try to look past all that when viewing a profile,
But I still like beauty, including beautiful men...
like Johnny Depp. Even with that nasty, cancer-inducing cigarette, which would turn me off "normal" men, he's gorgeous!
Now I know not every man looks like Johnny Depp. It's really not fair to judge normal man's beauty against Johnny, for whom there is no equal. I don't look like a sexpot either, although one person at work calls me, "Halle Berry." It's nice to be called Halle Berry instead of Tia and Tamera for once!
I realize, though, that I need to be honest with myself. I can't help whom I'm attracted to. I keep race, body type, hair color and height open, but now I wonder if maybe I should narrow that too. One of the issues with my last two dates was I really didn't find them that attractive online, but they were "attractive enough." Then there was no spark in real life. I had no desire to rip off their clothes. I thought maybe I should give the guys a second date, maybe the spark would just be delayed...
But then I go to Mass and the young man who gave me Communion set my heart racing after a 2 second interaction. :-P I haven't seen him at Mass since, darnit. It reminded me of what that spark is supposed to feel like. He didn't look like Johnny Depp, by the way, but there was something about the voice, the look, the eyes, the hair, and it was the same combo that has lit my inner "fire" before.
And anyway, I'm not magazine-hot, but I'm not ugly. Why shouldn't I have a man who is beautiful (to me) inside...and out?