Wednesday, May 4, 2011

How to (indirectly) let him know he isn't getting any...

In hindsight, I have realized that some of the men I dated might have been expecting something to happen after the date. They asked, "So, you up for anything else?" "You want a ride home? (after the first date)" "You wanna go anywhere else." I, of course said, "No," but later thought, "Wait, what were they really asking for?" I know I didn't give off much (if any) "Take me now," body signals. I never discuss sex on dates.

Now, however, I've figured out a few ways to let the guys indirectly know that nothing is happening after the date, in case they couldn't figure it out by our lack of sex talk and me only hugging them after the date.

1) Put a time limit on the date-I tell guys when we're setting up the date that I will only have 45 minutes to an hour.

2) Schedule dates in the afternoon or early evening-Apparently, if the date is after sundown, some guys seem to assume the date is going to go all night. Schedule it early!

3) Have a lie ready, especially if you have to meet after dark-Of course, if he's nosy and asks what you have going on after the date, you could be honest and say, "Oh, I'm just tired," or "Oh I need some me-time," as "None of your business" is probably too mean. :-P However, implying that you'll be home alone might leave the door open for him to pester you and say, "Well, do you want a little company?..." I always have a stock lie ready (which I have yet to use): my neighbor is having a girls-night-in at her apartment.

4) Have your own way to get home-It seems some guys think of a ride home as a down payment for action. Is that some "game" thing? If you offer a girl for a ride and she says "Yes," that means she wants you to come to her apartment? I don't know all the "rules." If I wanted him to come upstairs, I wouldn't have waited until the car ride to tell him so!

Whenever I have put a limit on the date and scheduled the dates by day, I never had a slightly awkward, "So, you wanna do anything else," conversation. But even the guys who were hoping for some action on date one seem to get it after date two, and I never hear from them again (thankfully).


  1. flamenco

    I know it's easy to think that guys have only one thing on their mind.  But asking for some more time with you after a date is just a way for guys to gauge wether or not a girl is genuinely interested in him or if she is just looking for something to fill her time on a Friday afternoon.  granted, I think that first dates should stay in a fairly "safe" realm ( meet for coffee, leave separately ) but if a guy asks to extend the date beyond that, all he is doing is feeling you out to see what your reaction will be ( is she willing to change venues? Will she take me to her place? What will we do there? ).  it's less "I'm trying to get her in bed" and more "I wonder how far I can get with this girl." And I can't emphasize this enough...  THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT.

    If guys didn't push just a little our species would have died out centuries ago.  It's how our minds work, guys chase and girls give chase.  You shouldn't have to fabricate lies or come up with elaborate stories if a guy asks you if a you want to extend the date.  If you enjoyed your time in the date but are simply not comfortable with what he's asking, a simple "no thanks" or "maybe next time" is a completely acceptable response, especially on a first date.  And a guy asking these things should in no way alter your judgement of him.  He's not a pervert, he doesn't think you are a slut,  he's just being a guy.  And a guy who wants to spend more time with you, that doesn't sound to bad to me.

    When a woman feels she has to time box her dates or schedule them at awkward times all it does is make the guy feel like he is inconveniencing you.  And nobody wants to feel like a nuisance, man or woman.  It also gives off a hint of a pretentious vibe, which is a huge turn off for guys.  

    The last sentence in your post worries me a bit.  I know you want to save yourself for marriage, and that's your prerogative , but you also mentioned that you have never been kissed (I could be wrong on this one).  Granted there are a lot of guys out there looking for just sex, but most guys use the second date kiss as a way to indicate whether or not a girl is interested in continuing a relationship (myself included).  I can't tell you how many times I have been lead on by girls (for weeks, even months) thinking something is there when there really wasn't because I kept the intimacy to a minimum and when I finally went for it, i find out she was never really attracted to me in the first place.  Frankly it makes a guy feel manipulated.    I hate to break it to ya, but if you want to date a guy, you have to show some kind of affection soon,  and within the first few dates (the guys is gunna go for it on the second, but you can hold off until the third or fourth if you need more time to decide, anything more than that and the guy is a schmuck for sticking around).  I'm not saying you should jump into bed with the guy, but nice big hugs, hand holding, and a little kiss here or there is more than enough to keep him happy.  Just remember, all a guy needs to know is that he is not wasting his time, and it is your job to communicate that he is not.  And you should never judge a guy negatively if he goes in for a kiss.  It's because he likes you, if you are not ready for it just step back and let him down easy, give him a big, beautiful smile say something like "I'm not ready for that just yet" or compromise with a kiss on the cheek.  Make it playful, because his ego has just taken a major hit, but that's ok, you are worth a few ego shots, but no girl is worth having a relationship with without intimacy. Keep that in mind.

  2. Well, no guy has ever gone in for a kiss with me, and only one guy has ever held my hand, and it was just friendly. I said to a guy-friend, "No guy has ever held my hand," and so he held it for a few minutes. I don't know if I give off too strong a strong "hands-off" vibe or "friend" vibe or what. I give them hugs on the first date, actually, but I guess that isn't intimate enough for them...