Thursday, June 23, 2011

How does it feel to never have been kissed?

Awful. Crappy. Awfully crappy.

It is easy to say, “I will not have sex until marriage,” when you have never been in the throngs of passion. Am I untouched because I pull my hand away when guys reach for it, or turn my head away when guys lean in for a kiss?


Guys do not reach for my hand, do not lean in for a kiss. Perhaps my virginity has created a “hands-off,” aura around me. This is fine when dirty old men on the corner yell, “Hey! Can I tap that?” This is a problem when I'm with guys I like.

Sometimes, I do want a guy to play with my blouse. But they don't. The only time guys have ever touched me in the bathing suit area was strangers grabbing my butt at a nightclub. Eww.

So when I liked a guy, I have tried to give hints that physical contact was welcome on date number two. While walking together down the street, I made sure that nothing was in my hands, got a hand within a centimeter of his, and kept it open. When riding with the guy in a car, I leaned in, laughed, smiled and held eye contact. I sat next to the guy on the train and got close enough that our thighs touched and arms kept brushing, with all those smiles and eye contact and leaning in. Once on a movie date, I put my arm on the arm rest next to him.


The guy at the movie didn't even do that cliché move of stretching and putting his arm around my shoulders! I just don't know what to do. Either I'm too subtle or the guys are too disinterested. I don't know. I guess I have to sit on the guy's lap, wrap my arms around his neck, stick my face right in his and part my lips.

I don't know if I want to be with a guy who needs such a not-so-subtle hint…

It is difficult to keep being assertive, to initiate contact, when even after you initiate contact, they still do not ask you out. Or when you go out with them, they do not make a move. I try to persist, but it is hard.

So I think, “Let the guys come to me.” I need proof. I have seen what my guy-friends do when they like a girl. They chase, even the shy ones chase. The girls just have to sit and exist. The guys run to them.

Guys are not running after me. I try to watch for a guy who is checking me out, but usually, no one's looking. Once a month, MAYBE one attractive guy will check me out. If I get any male attention, it is from horndogs on the corner.

So whenever my non-virgin friends complain about not feeling sexy, I think, “Well at least someone screwed you!” Some days I think some good guys out there will not just see me as a sweet, nice, intelligent FRIEND who they respect. Yes, guys have told me they “respected me,” and therefore just wanted to stay friends. What? You cannot simultaneously desire and respect the same woman?

Yet sometimes I think, “Stop kidding yourself. You're average-looking at best. You don't have a ‘milkshake,’ no matter how many bellydance classes you take. You are a prude nerd in bellydance clothing. You're holding back a ‘cookie’ that probably isn't even good. What man in his late twenties or early thirties wants to work for bad, virgin sex? You're hopeless. Go play with your cats.”


  1. Hi, my name is LovelyWillow. Im a 21 year old female who never had a boyfriend, never been kissed, never been on dates and certainly never had any 'real' guy friends, definitely a pure virgin.
    Im in the same boat as you, I can totally understand how you feel. I would like us to be friends. Times like this, we need someone in the same shoe with us.

  2. Hi Lovely Willow! Thanks for reading. Keep coming back. I look forward to reading your comment posts. I agree that virgins need to find each other and share and support. That's why I started this blog. I figured I can't be the only one in my shoes.

  3. Hey ther iz nothing to get lonely or feel bad abt dis i am a guy n m still virgin to , m proud of dat , i hav not loosed it to sum girl who dont love me n will never . Hey ther iz nothing to get lonely or feel bad abt dis i am a guy n m still virgin to , m proud of dat , i hav not loosed it to sum girl who dont love me n will never .

  4. Thanks rush. Sometimes I'm proud, sometimes I'm ashamed or feel silly. I'm glad to hear there's a guy out there who is proud of being a virgin.

  5. aren't alone.
    I'm a guy in my thirties who is in the same boat.
    Thought about being a Catholic priest growing up. Now I'm more agnostic, but with the dating prowess of a priest.

    I think as long as we don't give up, there is hope.

    And I don't think the virginity issue scares the right people off. If they are vested it won't be a one time event...plenty of chances to improve applied knowledge.

    Hang in there!

  6. Thanks for the encouragement JD/TOV. I feel less weird whenever I meet others in my situation through here.

  7. Why the hands off aura?

    You got no honor/reputation! Personal honor/reputation is always something sexual. (According to Fritz Zorn who died from psychosomatic reasons as a 32 yo virgin after writing his book "Mars" about it)

    This is a bit abstract to explain. But maybe an example can bring clarity: A whore is just as frowned upon as a virgin. This seems paradox, but it isn't. Sure, the first has tons of sex, the latter none. Why are they both frowned upon?

    The reason is that it does not count if you do or if you dont. It does rather count HOW PICKY YOU ARE... This constitutes societal honor/reputation.

    It took me ages to figure that out, but sadly it is true. I can even comprehend it today.

    Imagine a girl come to me and asks me out for a sexytime. I would just accept nearly anyone - but no jewish please ;) No serious: I mean a girl would hesitate as I am an easy prey. What will their friends say? etc.

    Damn I am 27 now, no sexual experience (got a gf in kindergarten but she soon went back to her country), no job, no higher education, living with parents. Its like my live stood still since 10 years, only my body ages. I got mental problems cause of childhood (dominant parents, living in alienated school) and slight Aspergersyndrome. You got to have optimal fair wind today to be happy.

    At least I got my political goals which give kinda shallow sense to my life. Viva la revolucion. But whats a revolution without love? I am just a shallow ghost, thats what I feel like

  8. Your blog has touched me. I'm a 19 year old guy, a big guy, not a grotesque fat beer gut looking guy, but a tall muscled...stocky? I guess is a term some people use?....I don't know. Anyways, I'm a virgin and I haven't given my first kiss away either. I live in a hick town back in the sticks in TN, it has been hard a time or two, but I'm so glad I've stuck it out and not given myself away. I'm pretty average looking I guess, I'm not necessarily unattractive, I'm just not as assertive as most guys I suppose. I'm proud of myself for staying firm to my beliefs and staying pure. I'm not a virgin due to any religious rules, nor do I consider it a religious act, I just want to live my life and be the man I'd be proud to know. I'm also what some girls would refer to as a "Nice guy" I've been labeled in that category several times. I have been having issues with girls being instantly turned off after learning I'm a virgin, I've found a few that were lenient to an extent and looked passed it, but when I said I hadn't kissed a girl, they got creeped out or something. It is not an easy thing to uphold, I stay very lonesome most of the time, and I have a lot of girl good friends or best friends, but no romantic girl friends. I think very highly of girls that admit to being a virgin, I think it's a very very good thing that there are others out there with the similar mindset. At one time I really was giving up hope on staying this way when I was 17, and dated this really desperate pretty girl that was very sexually active, but was really sweet, and I dated her for about.....2 hours I guess, and I felt so wrong for trying to pursue her with that mindset and I felt so guilty so I ended it as nicely as I could. (She was my first actual romanticish girlfriend) I'm one of maybe 2 or 3 virgins that I know, aside from some pre-teens lol. I have so many friends that put sex first in relationships and end up single with a kid, or married and short after divorced, or just plain flat miserable and hates the world and does not know why. I've been searching for a girl with the same sexual history as myself, and it's incredibly difficult, unless I settle for a girl that has so many physical or mental turnoffs, and if I come out and say what those turnoffs are people come right out and say I'm shallow and play the blame game, but everyone has standards they looks for. Anyways, I'm sorry for not having the fancy paragraph structures as everyone else, I'm not a writer nor an official blogger, I'm just a "weirdo" lol.

  9. Thanks for sharing, Casey. I've known several guys who were virgins into their twenties. One is my age, late 20's, and still a virgin. He's had 2 longterm relationships over the past 10 years too! So just know that though virgin boys past the age of 16 are becoming more and more rare, they're out there. You are not alone.