Awful. Crappy. Awfully crappy.
It is easy to say, “I will not have sex until marriage,” when you have never been in the throngs of passion. Am I untouched because I pull my hand away when guys reach for it, or turn my head away when guys lean in for a kiss?
Guys do not reach for my hand, do not lean in for a kiss. Perhaps my virginity has created a “hands-off,” aura around me. This is fine when dirty old men on the corner yell, “Hey! Can I tap that?” This is a problem when I'm with guys I like.
Sometimes, I do want a guy to play with my blouse. But they don't. The only time guys have ever touched me in the bathing suit area was strangers grabbing my butt at a nightclub. Eww.
So when I liked a guy, I have tried to give hints that physical contact was welcome on date number two. While walking together down the street, I made sure that nothing was in my hands, got a hand within a centimeter of his, and kept it open. When riding with the guy in a car, I leaned in, laughed, smiled and held eye contact. I sat next to the guy on the train and got close enough that our thighs touched and arms kept brushing, with all those smiles and eye contact and leaning in. Once on a movie date, I put my arm on the arm rest next to him.
The guy at the movie didn't even do that cliché move of stretching and putting his arm around my shoulders! I just don't know what to do. Either I'm too subtle or the guys are too disinterested. I don't know. I guess I have to sit on the guy's lap, wrap my arms around his neck, stick my face right in his and part my lips.
I don't know if I want to be with a guy who needs such a not-so-subtle hint…
It is difficult to keep being assertive, to initiate contact, when even after you initiate contact, they still do not ask you out. Or when you go out with them, they do not make a move. I try to persist, but it is hard.
So I think, “Let the guys come to me.” I need proof. I have seen what my guy-friends do when they like a girl. They chase, even the shy ones chase. The girls just have to sit and exist. The guys run to them.
Guys are not running after me. I try to watch for a guy who is checking me out, but usually, no one's looking. Once a month, MAYBE one attractive guy will check me out. If I get any male attention, it is from horndogs on the corner.
So whenever my non-virgin friends complain about not feeling sexy, I think, “Well at least someone screwed you!” Some days I think some good guys out there will not just see me as a sweet, nice, intelligent FRIEND who they respect. Yes, guys have told me they “respected me,” and therefore just wanted to stay friends. What? You cannot simultaneously desire and respect the same woman?
Yet sometimes I think, “Stop kidding yourself. You're average-looking at best. You don't have a ‘milkshake,’ no matter how many bellydance classes you take. You are a prude nerd in bellydance clothing. You're holding back a ‘cookie’ that probably isn't even good. What man in his late twenties or early thirties wants to work for bad, virgin sex? You're hopeless. Go play with your cats.”