Sunday, October 24, 2010

Rethinking "He's Just Not That Into You"

I googled the question, "How to tell if a guy isn't into you," and book reviews for Greg and Liz's book emerged. I have read that book and previously sung its praises, but user reviews on Amazon challenged my thoughts on He's Just Not that Into You.

I must admit, the book really is pop psychology, and can't be considered a scholarly source on dating. It's anecdotal, although Greg does indirectly admit that it's not scientific. I suppose it really is just The Rules revamped for modern, young readers. The book, in a nutshell, says that if a guy likes you, he will go above and beyond to show it. If he's too "shy" to ask you out, he's lazy and not worth your time. The book says women shouldn't have to chase men, call or text men after a date, because a man will come after you.

Now, it is true that some men are shy, some are too busy to think about dating (even if they like you), and some men just don't want to risk rejection by asking a woman out, no matter how much they are crushing on her.

Still though, my problem is that guys in the past were giving me clear signs that they didn't like me, but because I thought they were shy, or secretly crushing on me but insecure or unsure of my feelings, I pursued them anyway. I was the one initiating contact. I was the one asking when to hang out. From age 19 until now, two guys have made it obvious that they liked me (though I didn't like them as more than friends): emailing me a lot, calling me regularly, asking to hang out one-on-one (which I suppose is a date). The obvious ones did like me, the not-obvious, mixed signal guys didn't like me. So for me, there was a lot of truth in Greg's book.

Just the same, after reading the reviews, I am taking HJNTIY a little less seriously. It reminded me that sitting and waiting for the guys to come to you is not always a fun place to be. Also, the guys who are very assertive and very obvious in their attraction might be the wrong kind of guy for you. I don't really want a very extroverted guy, no matter how charming he seems at first. They could be very demanding, possessive, and traditional in their gender roles.

So I'm still in a conundrum. The HJNTIY type is really not my type, but my type would probably never tell me that he's into me. That means I have to initiate. But how do I distinguish Shy Guy from a man who isn't into me?...

Maybe I should just stay single. This relationship stuff is too complicated!

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Do virgins shop at Victoria's Secret?

Yes, well, Amy and I do anyway.

This Sweetest Day weekend, I spent one day with my girl, Amy, shopping. Amy is my fellow "virgin until marriage" friend. We walked into Victoria's Secret and neither one of us found what we wanted. While she tried on her unmentionables, though, I looked around at all the sexy duds and reflected. I've been to Victoria's Secret before and have bought bras and panties from there, yet I still feel out of place, like the store is not for me. I know the associates couldn't care less if I "belonged" there or not, if I was a virgin or not, if I was single or not. They just want me to buy crap. Yet my inner, egocentric teenager thought, "Everyone knows I'm a virgin and thinks I shouldn't be here!" Still, I continue to be amazed at all the different ways women can move, shift and tuck their flesh using the goodies at VS: "Can my girls really look like that?" "Could I get away with ruffles on my panties?"

Apparently Amy was thinking some of the same thoughts I was, because upon leaving, she said something along the lines of, "Too bad we aren't going on a honeymoon." I replied, "I know. What's the point of buying lacy, sequined, sexy bras when no one's gonna see it but me?" She said, "It's not gonna stay on very long anyway on your honeymoon!" I agreed, and said that the hubby probably couldn't care less if it all matched.

I admit, I do have one matching lace panty-bra set and some other cute, colored lingerie. This was per the suggestion of a college friend. Even though no one sees the duds, it does help you feel feminine, especially in winter. Underneath my layers of sweaters, cardigans and long johns, I wear lace to remind myself that I'm still female! I do walk with a little more "style" I guess, when I wear girly drawers instead of granny panties.

Still, it would be nice if someone besides me saw the cuteness.

And during my conversation, I might have admitted more than I wanted to admit, though perhaps Amy didn't notice. We discussed our dating woes and how it sometimes sucks not having a boyfriend. I said that I recognize that being single isn't a bad thing and that I have a good life. But it would be nice to share that life with someone, and just once, not sleep alone.

Be aware that I have said multiple times to her that I will NOT have sex before marriage. I said that I refuse, and if I do, the world is coming to an end! Now, though, as I continue to re-examine my stance, I'm starting to think that unless Amy marries first, she won't be the first of us to be deflowered. :/ When I consider whether or not to wait, sometimes it seems so silly to wait. So naive. So limiting. So backward. It made sense as a teenager, but now that I'm in my late twenties, I can't help but question my stance.

But it's hard to know what choice I would make because I've never had to say, "yes" or "no." I've never even been kissed!

Perhaps one day I will go into VS and buy something besides basic black or white, or perfume. Maybe one day I will walk in with a man and ask him which set he thinks would be sexier on me. And perhaps he will whisper the right response, "I don't care which you wear. It ain't staying on..."

Monday, October 11, 2010

"Am I over him?"

I had a little crush on the moderator of the book club I attend, Mark. I wasn't in hot pursuit because I was getting nothing beyond friendliness from him. Still, I secretly admired him.

Last month, though, Angie came to the meeting. She's also getting her doctorate and just as well-read as him. After the meeting, they got into conversation that spilled into our "after party." They basically talked to each other the whole time at the bar. Lowered voices, constant eye contact, exchange of phone numbers. They didn't even notice when we were leaving. I was playing some bar games with other book clubbers, and one whispered, "Good. He needs to get laid!" We all thought something more than friendship was blooming.

Was I a bit heartbroken? Sure. But I went to another party afterward and thoroughly enjoyed myself. We just aren't compatible beyond acquaintances. Oh well.

Yesterday was another meeting. I took the bus on the way and was journaling when I looked up and noticed someone at a stop that resembled Mark. I put my head down, kept writing. "If it's him, let him come to me," I thought. Very teenager-y, I know. Well, it was him and he did sit next to me and we had harmless chat the whole way. As further proof of his disinterest though, I discovered that he's actually been living less than a mile from me (temporarily) and, btw, hasn't told me. :/ It's difficult conversing on buses on trains, especially on the subway when it gets loud and creaky. There were lapses in conversation and I missed flirting opportunities. So I figured I must be mostly "over him." I still got a little nervous and was again freezing in his presence. I did manage to fit in a couple compliments, though.

At the meeting, someone joked to him "So, where's your girlfriend, Angie?" He replied that she was out of town but he did not know she was his girlfriend.

...What? It was classic "interested" body language! He isn’t into Angie? She seemed like a good match for him. In all honesty, I had a spurt of hope, and regretted that I wasn't more flirtatious when I had him all to myself!

Well, after the "after party," I went with him and two other members home on the same bus. He sat by the man and I sat by the young woman. But as Mark left the bus, he shook our hands, and my voice’s pitch rose as I said goodbye. I also finally looked up and waved at him out the window when he looked back at the bus. I'm horrible about remembering to look back, like they do in the movies.

So I added to my flirting repetoire last night. My crush isn't quite as gone as I'd like it to be, but I think I'm in an overall healthy place. I know there are others out there. I just need to keep an eye open.