Sunday, February 27, 2011

revising the resolution

My New Year's Resolution was to go to bars by myself (starting with once per month and working up to once per week) as well as meeting one new group of people every month.

Sadly, I did not fulfill this month’s bar goal. However, I went on three dates and to several meetups! I attended a Vegan meetup, a gamer meetup and went to two documentary screenings. I'm going to a dance lesson hosted by a young adult group tomorrow. February, despite a life-halting blizzard at the month's beginning, turned out to be busy.

Although I didn't fulfill the bar goal for the month, I think I did manage to "put myself out there!”

Am I any closer to being in a relationship? No. But more importantly, I'm in a good place mentally, emotionally, spiritually. I had a lot of fun this month too, despite not getting further than date #2 with anyone. I enjoyed my date with M over Valentine's Day weekend, yet I felt no sparks toward him, alas. He's a good catch too (if he's telling the truth that is...). He seemed to be more interested in me than I in him. Thankfully, he hasn't called since our salsa date on Monday.

By the way, I did go on a date with my favorite, D, over the weekend, but he turned out to be a let-down in person. I know everyone has baggage, but I can't do a Debbie-downer who's in a kinda-sorta long distance relationship with a kinda-sorta ex right now…

I thought I might need to revise my resolution given the events of February. According to the original plan, I should have gone to a bar alone twice in February and three times in March. Well, I might have to stick to once a month until further notice. Weekly might have to wait until summer, when I have more time. Now, I usually don't feel like going anywhere after dark.

Something I have abandoned in the cold weather is going out to eat and reading at cafes alone. I stopped at a coffeeshop last week to read a book because my computer, TV, and so forth distracted me from reading. Winter turns introverted me into a hermit. But I enjoyed change of scenery, reading at a coffeeshop.

So maybe instead of working my way up to a weekly bar visit, I should work toward going somewhere alone once per week. That's a goal I can fulfill, and I won't feel bad about not going specifically to a bar or meetup every week, every month.

The goal for March, then? Go somewhere alone three times. Next week will be number one: I'm going to a "walking" meetup where we just walk around a particular neighborhood for a few hours. This will be a meetup which I never attended, and might provide opportunities for "first dates." I just have to remember to talk to people other than middle aged women!

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

what's so great about being a virgin?

Valentine's Day was good for me. I didn't wallow in bitterness and jealousy. I didn't cringe when I saw couples walking together. Currently, I'm in a positive place and feel like life is going well overall. Plus, I spent last night with one of my best friends and hung out with some of my favorite family members over the weekend. I felt the love. So instead of dreading Valentine's Day, forcing myself to bring out heart decorations from the bottom of storage, I was excited. The sight of heart dish towels and placemats uplifted me. I think I'll keep the placemats on the table for a few weeks, just to brighten the gray winter days.

And I didn't feel ashamed or embarrassed or stressed about being a virgin, for once. I've been regretting it lately, but not now.

So I decided to brainstorm a list of the positives about being a virgin.

1) I'm not pregnant.
1b) Therefore, I don't have a child.
2) I don't have an STD (or AIDS).
3) I don't have HPV.
4) I've never had bad sex.
5) I've never had an abortion.
5b) I've never had to give up a baby for adoption.
6) I've never had an allergic reaction to latex...I'm not allergic anyway, so I guess that doesn't count.
7) No baby-daddy drama.
8) I don't have to take birth control pills.
9) I never had to clean-up post-deflowering blood on sheets.
10) I never had to walk around sore all day following a de-flowering.
11) I never had to indulge anyone's strange fetish.
12) I've never had to fake an orgasm. I'm a bad liar. How would I do that?
13) I've never had a man look at my naked body critically.
14) No one has ever criticized my skills in bed.

There are other spiritual and psychological benefits, but it's late and I'm stopping here. :P

Thursday, February 10, 2011

"Should I offer my number to a guy?"

Online dating is so tricky.

My policy for giving out numbers to online people is I that I only give it out before we meet. Typically, that's the policy. I tried something different tonight.

I was talking to D, who I have been chatting with for almost a week. He's currently my favorite. We've chatted most days during the past week. Conversations online usually go 45 minutes to an hour. I don't message him when he's online. I let the guys message me. :-P We see eye-to-eye on the kid thing and seem to both be pretty down-to-earth, though he picks on himself a little. The conversations at first were slipping into talking/complaining about our online dating issues, but I tried to turn the conversation to something a little more positive, keep it light. Thankfully, I don't have many bad experiences, so it was easy for me to turn the conversation away from loathing.

I actually initiated contact with D via a wink on okcupid. After the 2nd or 3rd conversation, I said something like "Hopefully we can meet soon..." to which he responded, "for sure." I was a little skeptical, though glad to see some interest on his end. In the past, guys have expressed interest in meeting but it never came to fruition.

After talking to some friends, I wondered if maybe I should be willing to really speak to a guy before meeting. It does make sense to hear his voice, see if you have phone chemistry, before meeting. Perhaps I should be a little less stingy with the number.

I decided this time to offer my number. I had initiated contact, after all, but I was pseudo-assertive. I (honestly) told him I can't guarantee I'll be online a lot this weekend, but I could give him my number if he wanted. He replied that he was not good with the phone, but asked for my email.

Email? WTF?

I gave him my work email address because I forgot my dating address off the top of my head :P. My work email actually has my last name (oops), but I'm just going to trust that he is not someone who'll steal my identity or stalk me.

Well, at least he was honest about not being good with the phone. I'm not either. But geez, I say I wanna meet, I offer my number, isn't that clue enough that I'm interested? In our first conversation, he told me about how no one views his profile or messages him, no one seems to show interest, blah blah blah. Hello? Well, someone "winked" at you. Me!

This is what I get for wanting a less-aggressive, non-alpha male, I guess. Or it's just his nice way of saying he's not so interested after all. But then again, maybe he is still interested and was just being honest, and he actually is much better at email than phone...

Whatever. I'm going on a date with M tomorrow (Friday) night. Just a cafe or bar. M's the one who's interested in salsa. He suggested we go out for drinks casually first before setting up a salsa night, and I was cool with that. Hey, I've NEVER had a date this close to Valentine's Day! New step for me! I initiated contact with M too but he asked for my number first.

Oh D. You were my favorite. Really. But dude, you snooze, you lose.

I'll keep chatting with him and B, but I'm not going to wait forever for them to get the nerve to say, "Let's go out for coffee." I already expressed interest. If they're truly interested but still too insecure to go out for a 45 minute coffee date, oh well.

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Spay Day 2011 Photo Contest

This isn't related to anything virginal, but I'm plugging it anyway.

That cute little kitty I use for my icon? I entered him in the Spay Day 2011 pet photo contest. You donate to the charity of my choice, and every dollar counts as a vote for my boy.

So if you have even $5 to spare, come donate and help my pretty little siamese-mix get some votes. :-) Yeah, the bowtie is a little goofy, but we're trying to stand out from the competition. That tie got a lot of "awwwws" and "Likes" from my friends when I first posted it to facebook too.

Spay Day 2011 Online Pet Photo Contest

Sunday, February 6, 2011

don't hate the playa, hate the game

Just hours after I posted that B wasn't talking to me, he IM'ed me. :-P Silly me jumping to conclusions, I guess.

So B and I are still talking...just 3 weeks.

He is a really nice guy. The conversation moves easily, and we agree on a lot of things, especially politics. He's also not perverted or only looking for sex. However, I want to move beyond online chatting. I told him I wanted to meet, twice. So I'm not asking again. I've expressed interest. The ball is in his court. I do enjoy talking to him, but I'm not going to nag, because I'm talking to other guys online.

I never told B that I'm talking to more than just him. I feel a little guilty about that. I wonder, "Should I tell him? Is it any of his business how many people I'm talking to in the first place? Should I have told him at the beginning that I'm talking to a few guys online?" I feel a little like a playa.

But it's typical to be talking to a few different people at once online. B and I aren't a couple. We haven't even met in person! So I'm not obligated to talk to him exclusively. It doesn't bug me if he is talking to other women besides me. We're all single and mingling.

Right now, my plan is if he asks, I'll tell him. If he gets mad, I'll apologize for not being clear about that from the beginning. I don't know if that's the best, but it is what it is.

Talking to 3 guys at once has restored my hope in online dating. I was finding nothing, NOTHING on online dating sites. The other two guys, M and D, are knocking B out of the ballpark.

M is a novice dancer and a bit nerdy. He knows of a salsa place near him that has $5 classes. Fun! I told him to send me dates and times. I might have a salsa date with someone whose skills are equal to mine! I don't like salsa-ing with a salsa expert. It's a bit intimidating. I step the wrong way, step on his foot. It'd be nice to bumble and make mistakes with someone else.

D is Christian and childfree! We have only talked once online (Saturday night), but the conversation was good to me. We talked about why we don't want kids, and a little about what we want in a match. He's in his mid-thirties and just realized he doesn't want kids. So I don't think I have to worry about him changing his mind.

M and D are also cuties. ;)

I know there's a chance that these conversations might never go beyond IM'ing and messaging. Still, after a dry spell, I have new hope. There are compatible guys out there for me. I just have to hold on and keep looking.

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

moving from online to face-to-face

So I think another conversation has bit the dust.

Sunday (or Monday) of this week marked 2 weeks since I started talking to “B” online.

A couple weeks ago, I spent three or so hours on okcupid searching through profiles, clicking through answered questions, skimming photos, and sent winks (with messages) to about six guys. Two days later, I found 3 responses!

Well, the conversation quickly fizzled with two of the guys but B and I were going strong after a week. He actually read my profile and referenced it in the conversation. After a week, our messages went from a few sentences to paragraphs. B apologized for writing so much and I said, "It's okay. I think it's just a sign that we should probably meet in person..."

B said he was interested in meeting, but asked if we could talk for "just a little while longer." Now, he admitted in his profile that he was kind of shy and he stated that he wasn't just into sex. But I didn't want to wait too much longer to meet. No point in talking for a month (or two), building an image of each other based on online messages, then finding no spark in person. However, I agreed to a little while longer but suggested possibly meeting the following week for coffee.

So we talked for a 2nd week and caught each other on chat one night. Good, fun conversation there. He did ask me what I was looking for on okcupid. That question threw me (this is the day after I suggested meeting up). I checked off in my profile "long term or short term dating." Did he miss that? I said something like it was part of my mission to come out of my shell, be more outgoing, meet more people now that my college friends have dispersed.

On Friday of last week, he asked me if there was anything I wanted to ask him. I asked about his living situation, if he had any siblings and what his job was. In his response, he mentioned he was an only child and I said that he was lucky! I said that I'm much older than my siblings and that between helping with them and babysitting, I have changed enough diapers! He said babysitting is good though because it probably prepares you for parenthood and he said he liked kids. He also asked me a pretty deep question: "If you could change anything about the world, what would you change?"

To his parenting comment, I responded, "Well, as I mentioned in my profile, I don't want kids..." Before I answered the deep question, I said, "Well that is definitely a question I could better answer in person! But what first comes to mind is..." He had also asked if there was a better way to talk than messaging (this he asked for the 2nd or 3rd time). I said that if he was indirectly asking for my number, I'll give it when we get ready to meet.

This was over the weekend. Still no word from him. Prior to this, we were responding to each other's emails within 24 hours.

I'm a little bummed...a little. I started thinking about what I might have done wrong. Did the no-kids thing scare him off? Was I too pushy about meeting? Was I being too guarded with my number? Did he think I was only looking for sex because I mentioned meeting after "only" a week (wow, he really doesn't know me...)? Well, he could be real busy. There is a huge snowstorm out there that's messing us all up.

But tonight, I used my computer instead of my phone for the internet, and I saw we were on okcupid at the same time. No message from him.

Perhaps it's for the best. Maybe it's not me. Maybe he's really self-conscious. Maybe there's something he's hiding. It might not be because there's something "wrong" with me.

He wasn't my number one choice in the looks department anyway! :-P