Do I want a husband, or just sex?

I have mentioned before that my best friend, Amy, and I are still virgins. She is gung-ho about holding the cherry hostage until marriage.

Right now, I don’t care if I walk down the aisle de-flowered. I haven’t told Amy that I’m not feeling the “wait ‘til marriage” thing anymore.

Anyway, I think we’ve been having similar feelings lately and are interpreting them in different ways. She longs for marriage, like, right now.

For once, Amy’s been trying harder than me to get a man. Her skirts are a little shorter. She’s actually wearing skirts! And heels! And she is finally moving beyond solid colored cardigans and jeans and no makeup. Now she puts makeup on daily, shows a little cleavage and wears bright colors and patterns.

She even started online dating, two years after me. She gave up after a few weeks, though, when she couldn’t get past the online chatting with any guy.

Whenever she talked to a guy online, she told me about why she thought he might be “the one,” why he might make a good husband.

Yes, Amy flat out told me that she really wants a husband. She also hopes the courtship is brief, perhaps only a few months, just like it was with her virginal parents.

And every single time we hang out now, she talks about the lack of men our age in the place. I sometimes don’t even notice. I’m too busy eating or talking to her or whatever.

If Amy is feeling how I’ve been feeling lately, I wonder if it’s really desire for marriage, or if she is just “in heat?”

One of the many reasons I’ve been less active in dating since Spring is because of my toy. Whenever I get all aflutter, satisfaction is just a flick of the switch away. I know Amy has no “toys” and I’m sure she follows the Catholic rule of not pleasuring yourself either.

I can’t imagine the level of sexual frustration that is still pent up in Amy.

I am talking to new guys in public and occasionally send messages on OkCupid. I do try to stay open and alert for guys who are looking my way. I even talked to a guy in a bar recently!

But my level of desperation is not Amy’s. Marriage is not on the horizon for me, and I’m okay with that.

I mean, I still haven’t even been kissed. Let’s get over that hurdle first!

Follow me on twitter @flamencokitty .

Image: Sharron Goodyear / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

What are good vibrators for virgins?

So I finally have been playing around with my "Stats" tag on blogger. I discovered that quite a bit of you have been visiting my post regarding whether or not a vibrator can de-flower you. Well, if that's what the public wants...

FYI I did also blog about lessons I've learned from the toy, in case you're interested. But I also wanted to share some of the tips I learned about buying a vibrator.

Firstly, you can buy the toys at adult toy shops or online. Online will often have a bigger selection, but I wanted to go in person because I wanted one IMMEDIATELY. My mailbox also isn't secure, and I certainly did not want the package mailed to my mother!

If you're comfortable, you can also ask the salespeople questions, like "How should I clean this?" They won't care how kinky your questions are. Seriously. Look where they work...

Especially if you're a virgin, be conservative with the size you choose for your first toy. Don't get a rabbit, no matter how cool it looks. It'll probably hurt!

For virgins and other vibe beginners, rule of thumb, or maybe rule of fingers, is that whatever vibrator you get should be about the same width as your middle and index finger put together. Kinda like a fat tampon.

"Bullet" type vibrators are usually a good choice for virgins. An adjustable speed is very nice too. If you plan to play in the tub, waterproof ones are available too.

With lubricant, water-based is usually the best option for most materials. Yes, you will need lube. For real. If you aren't sure which to get, ask a salesperson.

Those tips seemed to work well for me, though now I think I am ready to "upgrade..."

Do you have any other tips for toys? Any recommendations? Feel free to share here or tweet me @flamencokitty.

Image: Salvatore Vuono / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Lessons learned from the toy

In lieu of having a real guy to play with, I ventured to an adult toy store a couple months ago for my own un-birthday gift. Now, I do hear that playing with a toy is not the same as playing with a man. Playtime with a toy, no matter how satisfying, cannot substitute 100% the experience with a guy.

Well actually, I take that back. Word on the street is that sometimes playtime with a toy can be more satisfying than playtime with a man…

Anyway, I figured a toy can still help me learn what I like, help loosen things up before I play with a real man (per the recommendation of a toy website I visited, I bought a toy that is about the width of two of my fingers) and satisfy urges enough for the time being. During our relationship, I have learned some things which I think will apply when…ok if, I actually play with a real man.

1) If you are not relaxed, nothing is going in. Or if it does squeeze in without relaxation, it hurts!
2) Lube helps, particularly when one has not sufficiently “warmed up.”
3) But too much lube means little-to-no-feeling...
4) Your mind should be relaxed and all Zen-like. Just let go and go with the flow.
5) Experiment (with intensity, speed, position).
6) Experiment with different times of day. Forget caffeine to jumpstart the morning!
7) Breathe.
8) Wash.
9) Experiment with the environment (music, no music, some light, no light).
10) Move with the music!
11) See what room temperature works. For me, I usually need to turn off the space heater, just like when I do other exercise. Go figure.
12) The exception to number 4: fantasize that someone (else?) is with you…

"If I use a vibrator, am I still a virgin?"

Reason number 537 why we need sex education in schools!

I googled "vibrators for virgins," seeing if there was some sort of list or recommendations for vibrators for virgins. A couple forums popped up and one adult toy website gave a sort of buyer's guide. It's rather overwhelming the choices that are out there. Wow. And some are over $100? And there are further accessories you need, and they are made of different materials...

But actually, what kept popping up more often than adult toy shops were forums of girls asking, "Is it okay for virgins to use vibrators? Am I still a virgin if I use a vibrator?"

Pardon my virginal ignorance of all things sexual, but I thought coitus involved more than one person?...

Well, 15-year-old girls asking if a vibrator can deflower them I guess isn't so surprising. What was more disturbing were some of the answers they received.

"No. If you insert anything inside you, you aren't a virgin."
"Well, if you just use it outside and not put it in, then I guess you're still a virgin."
"No because vibrators can break a hymen and if you break your hymen, you're not a virgin."
"Well, if you use a vibrator, and it doesn't break the hymen, you're still a virgin."
"You shouldn't get a vibrator. You should wait until you're married and have sex with your husband. Don't put plastic inside you first!"

Is the virginity of teenage boys questioned like this when they start self-stimulating? Why is it such a dilemma for teenage girls? Actually, I can think of some reasons why: women being the keepers of purity, sexuality being a dirty thing for women (you can't be the Madonna and a "whore"), etc.

I can't believe people (people who live in the "educated," industrialized world anyway) still use the hymen as the test for virginity. It can break if a girl has a bad fall or goes horseback riding! I don't know the percentage, but many girls/women have no hymen when they initiate sex.

Thankfully, there were some people who said, "Sex means more than one person," and who clarified the deal with the hymen. There is such a stigma around toys for women. It's hard enough saying no to sex until marriage. Now women are made to feel guilty for a vibrator? We aren't allowed to know anything about our sexuality until the wedding night?

Now I already know that the Catholic Church says, "No," to masturbation because there is no possibility for procreation. Sex has to be open to kids in order to be valid, legal sex.

It can't only be for kids, by the way. It's also the closest a human can come to physically experiencing God's love and seals the "covenant," the love of the wife and husband. So having un-fun sex is not good either.

I get why the Church says it, though I don't fully agree with it. My thing is, if self-stimulating keeps a person from engaging in unsafe sex, isn't that preferable? And if you already know what pleases you, doesn't that help the sexual aspect of the relationship?

Anyway, it just further shows why we need to get information out there, particularly to young people. Otherwise, a lot of misinformation and needless guilt fly around. The ignorance just spreads like weeds.

Follow me on twitter @flamencokitty