Where do I go from here?

I deactivated the blog for awhile for many and varied reasons, but have made it public again. I saw in my stats that some posts in the past have been useful to people.

I am no longer in my late twenties and I am no longer a virgin, but am keeping this blog up for any virgins or others with a "low sex drive" who may benefit from the older posts.

Even though I am no longer a virgin, I have only had 2 partners and haven't had sex in three years. So I still don't feel like I have a normal or typical (whatever that means) sex life. Actually, I recently came across the orientation, "demisexual." I've been watching YouTube videos, looking up websites and even joined a demisexual group on facebook. The testimonies I have read really resonate with me.

In fact, I have a lot to say about what demisexual means to me and why I think it fits who I have been all along, but I may save that for another post...or blog

Anyway, I guess this really isn't "goodbye." I am exploring the demisexual orientation and seeing what I can do with my posts from my virginal days. There will be more to come once I figure it out.

In the meantime, good luck dating, and I hope these ramblings help you in your journey.

Also, I have a new twitter handle: @popcherrypie

I'm vegan. Should I only date vegans?

My short answer is, “Maybe.” 

It’s funny.  Whenever I start dating a guy I particularly like, the first thing my friends ask is, “Is he vegan?” That question usually precedes “Does he want kids?”

“No kids” is my main deal-breaker!  

However, I went on some dates with a vegan guy recently, and I'm seeing the advantages. 

I forgot how big a deal it is to be a vegan.  Food is so central to socializing, to being human.  Pretty much the last thing even Jesus did before he died was have dinner with his buddies! 

Prior to dating Vegan Man, I didn’t think being vegan was crucial.  I did date a vegetarian, Catholic guy for a minute.  Wouldn’t a liberal, Catholic, vegetarian, activist guy would be a good match?

Nope!  Politics, religion and diet didn’t matter. Our personalities weren’t compatible and he wanted kids. 

So I stopped caring about the dude’s diet.  As long as he respected me and was willing to go places where I could have more than a salad, all was good.

But, attention single vegan women!  Maybe you knew this already, as I tend to be delayed in learning things, but dudes will say anything to impress you. 

“Oh yeah, I like vegan food once in a while.”  Translation? Whenever he hangs with you.

“I don’t always eat meat.”  Or, “Sometimes I just get a frozen cheese pizza."

In other words, his lack of meat-eating may not be deliberate, intentional, like it is with you.

But with a vegan guy, wow.  It’s easier.  Any restaurant he suggests will be vegan-friendly.  And it’s not like you are dragging him somewhere he may not want to go. 

It does kinda suck when a non-vegan guy wants to take you to his favorite joint, but you have to politely, graciously decline.  Sadly, his favorite place is BBQ Meat-O-Rama. 

And if you want to try the new veggie-friendly spot in town, vegan guy probably will too.  Then, you can be all cute and try food off each other’s plates! 

Plus, if you ever go past casual dating and perhaps into more serious territory, on holidays, you won’t be the only vegan at the table.  The hosts will already be accommodating for him. 

Vegan Man and I are not serious like that, by the way. He and I have only gone on two dates.  We are in the same vegan group, but he is only in town once a month.

Fortunately, we are facebook friends now, and he is becoming one of my biggest facebook fans at least. Vegan Man is attracted to me, but I doubt how serious his attachment is.  Is it purely lust?

Though I still won’t make “must be vegan” a deal-breaker, I will say that this experience is showing me how important it is. 

I won’t tell you to limit your options.  But vegan girl, pay particular attention to the vegan guys…

Should women always let men chase them?

There is an "old" dating rule that is driving me a little crazy.  "Women should let men chase them."

Last night, I was facebook chatting with a friend who is on the dating scene.  When I told her about my online dating escapades, she asked, "Well what about the old-fashioned way?"  After I told her how that isn't working, she said to perhaps just stop looking and perhaps a man will come to me.


My response?  "They don't come to me whether or not I'm looking!"

I googled "should women always let men pursue?" Many results were in the affirmative.

To snag a man, let him do the chasing
Ladies, Let Men Pursue You!
Why You Should NEVER Pursue a Man

One link said women should always do the chasing, but I question anyone who references Ayn Rand.

However, not all my friends followed the "let the man chase you" rule.  Also, sitting back and waiting for a man to pursue puts you in a very powerless position.  It leaves you to their whims.  It turns you into a peacock. Dolling yourself up, on display, waiting for a man to notice you.

One could say to just work on you and not worry about men. So we should keep our eyes closed? Never keep an eye out for opportunities? Aren't men always on the lookout?

Some might argue that "chasing" is desperate.  How is initiating contact more desperate than lifting your skirt, batting your eyes and winking at every cute-ish dude across from you at a bar? Why is it "desperate" for a woman to initiate contact but "normal" for a guy to do so?

Now, the June boy, that I chased a little, said that he wants to stay friends, and I haven't heard from him since 4th of July.  I sent a mass "Happy 4th of July" text to my friends to which he responded.  Whenever guys say that they want to "just be friends" with me, I don't really believe it.  I think they were just feeding me a line to "let me down easy." I didn't hear from them again.

Just say, "Thanks for the nice times, good luck with everything." Man!

I don't know if I turned him off by chasing or if he was never that into me, but it is fun being the pursuer instead of the pursued!  And it's not like I texted him every darn day or begged him to take me out.  I just texted a couple times a week. And I kept my flirting at a low level.  Just occasional compliments. 

My feeling now is, every relationship "expert" has contradictory advice. From now on, I'm just going to do what feels right to me, and if dude don't like it, if he is turned off or threatened by a woman sending the first message online, then he isn't the guy for me.

What do you think? Should women always let the men chase them?

What exactly is a "virgin?"

I've been pondering this a lot lately.  Although I'm still technically a "virgin," I'm not quite as virginal as I was earlier this year...

I had a fling in February, though I didn't know it was a fling.  There were signs along the way that the guy and I were falling into the fling zone, never to leave, but I hoped anyway.  February was A LOT of fun!  March and April were terrible.

Now I have an idea of what it must be like to go through withdrawal from a drug.  Although the guy and I didn't go "all the way," we did visit each others apartments, and clothes kind of just fell off...

Even at "third base," my hormones go nuts!  I read somewhere that the chemicals in the brain that fire while doing cocaine, I believe, also fire during orgasm. Or something. Here's an article about it.  Recovering from a boy is like recovering from a drug!

Anyway, it makes me wonder about the definition of a virgin.  Sure, me and my bestie both have never had vaginal sex, but are we in the same category of "virgin?"  I went from never kissing a guy to third base in one night! Amy isn't even comfortable dancing, just dancing, with a stranger, if he puts his hands anywhere on her abdomen.

It goes to show how labels are not always accurate.

I learned a lot from my experience with the February Fling, more than I could cover in one post.  However, one of my biggest lessons is now I know how far I can go, physically, without attaching to a guy.  I now know, in the future, that I can't even go to third base and then not see a guy ever again. 

There will be no happy-fun-naked times outside the context of a relationship.  No matter how tempting it is to recapture the ecstasy I had in February, I can't go that far without commitment.  The heartbreak aftermath is just not worth it.

Thankfully, the guy I'm "hanging out" with now is truly respectful and interested in me, not my body.  For those of you who are Jane Austen nerds like me, well, in February, I dated Mr. Wickham.  Now, I think I'm hanging with a version of Mr. Darcy!  I don't know if we'll go beyond friends, or go beyond one month, which is my record with any guy.  However, things have not been going the way of Mr. Wickham, and that is a very good thing!

So how do you define "virgin?"

Where should I look for my kind of guy?

I've been reading the book, Buddhism: Plain and Simple, lately, and have started thinking about it in relation to my lack-of-dating life.  In this book, the author, Steve Hagen, discusses "seeing" a lot.  He says that Buddhism is partially about really seeing what is in front of you.  Not analyzing it, not creating ideas about it, just "seeing," truly seeing.

I went to a few events last month, one of which was aimed at Catholic, young adult singles. Some things were becoming clear to me, once I opened my eyes and really saw what was in front of me.

As soon as I pulled into the lot of the Catholic singles event, I saw a bumper sticker for Bill Brady on one car and another car with a "crisis pregnancy" center bumper sticker.  Crisis pregnancy centers are basically pro-life centers.  If I wasn't meeting my bestie at this event, I would have left.

Not only were there signs of Republicans, but most of the guys who were there were either too old or way too young for me.  The guy who spoke with me the longest actually had kids. And the conversations were mostly boring small talk, like about jobs.

Again, if it hadn't been for "Amy," I would not have stayed longer than an hour.  Some other friends of mine happened to be there. The world of Catholic singles in my city is small after all.  I talked to them until Amy arrived.

Surprisingly, though, or maybe not so surprisingly, when I went to the community center where I met Jack, I felt very comfortable.  Much more comfortable and welcomed than I did at the Catholic event.  They were screening a progressive, radical movie.  Complete strangers willing to strike up a conversation, usually about social justicey things.  And of course, there was a potluck with plenty of vegan-friendly food.

Jack, of course, was a nice addition too.

If I really open my eyes, I see that Catholic young adult events for singles are probably not the place to meet my Mr. Right.  Yet I keep going to them.  I go to some hippie-liberal-progressive event, that isn't even a "singles" event, and feel much more at home.

Einstein said something like insanity is doing the same thing over and over though you're getting the same result. I'll go to Catholic young adult events for my own spiritual needs.  That's it.

Follow me on twitter @flamencokitty 

Image: Danilo Rizzuti / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Why I need to stop facebook-stalking

I facebook-stalk in an attempt to find out if the guy I'm crushing on is crushable. "Is he single?" "Is he straight?" Yes, I have this tendency to crush on guys who are gay, because I have a broken "gaydar."

But facebooking-stalking, lately, has been ruining the fun. It has abruptly stopped my crushing twice. Once I found out info on the guys, I said, "Oh, nevermind. We'll just be friends."

The most recent crush was a guy I met at a community center in my neighborhood three weeks ago. "Jack" is a cute guy. Short, curly black hair. Tan skin. Thick glasses. A few inches taller than me and a thin-to-average build. Super-friendly. And he busted out some Spanish at one point to some people who walked in. Bilingualism is definitely a turn-on for me sometimes. There were a few other volunteers at the center but he couldn't stop talking to me, asking me questions, smiling at everything I say.

I went back to the center over the weekend for a movie night. He actually remembered my name! :) We chatted for a bit before the movie started. After the movie, I ended up conversing with another guy and he ended up talking in another group.

I promptly proceeded to facebook-stalk that night. I only had his first name, but the movie night was posted as an event on facebook. I found him through that. Yes, I have some mad facebook-stalker skills.

Jack's profile was private! Boo. I usually don't friend people, especially people I just met. I let others friend me. But eh, why not? He remembered me, after all. I friended him and mentioned that I was at the movie night. To my delight, he accepted my friend request.

To my dismay, he is six years younger than me. He is also Atheist. Man. Now my crush is gone.

This is why I need to stop facebook-stalking cuties I meet "in real life." I have a rapport with a guy, then I discover incompatibility when I look him up. And it's not something unimportant to me, like music or movie tastes. It's something really important to me, like religion. And then I don't want to pursue him beyond friendship.

Of course when I return to the center for future events, I will gladly stop and have a conversation or two with him. But in the meantime, I guess it's back to okcupid.

Follow me on twitter @flamencokitty.

Image: Stuart Miles / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Do I want a husband, or just sex?

I have mentioned before that my best friend, Amy, and I are still virgins. She is gung-ho about holding the cherry hostage until marriage.

Right now, I don’t care if I walk down the aisle de-flowered. I haven’t told Amy that I’m not feeling the “wait ‘til marriage” thing anymore.

Anyway, I think we’ve been having similar feelings lately and are interpreting them in different ways. She longs for marriage, like, right now.

For once, Amy’s been trying harder than me to get a man. Her skirts are a little shorter. She’s actually wearing skirts! And heels! And she is finally moving beyond solid colored cardigans and jeans and no makeup. Now she puts makeup on daily, shows a little cleavage and wears bright colors and patterns.

She even started online dating, two years after me. She gave up after a few weeks, though, when she couldn’t get past the online chatting with any guy.

Whenever she talked to a guy online, she told me about why she thought he might be “the one,” why he might make a good husband.

Yes, Amy flat out told me that she really wants a husband. She also hopes the courtship is brief, perhaps only a few months, just like it was with her virginal parents.

And every single time we hang out now, she talks about the lack of men our age in the place. I sometimes don’t even notice. I’m too busy eating or talking to her or whatever.

If Amy is feeling how I’ve been feeling lately, I wonder if it’s really desire for marriage, or if she is just “in heat?”

One of the many reasons I’ve been less active in dating since Spring is because of my toy. Whenever I get all aflutter, satisfaction is just a flick of the switch away. I know Amy has no “toys” and I’m sure she follows the Catholic rule of not pleasuring yourself either.

I can’t imagine the level of sexual frustration that is still pent up in Amy.

I am talking to new guys in public and occasionally send messages on OkCupid. I do try to stay open and alert for guys who are looking my way. I even talked to a guy in a bar recently!

But my level of desperation is not Amy’s. Marriage is not on the horizon for me, and I’m okay with that.

I mean, I still haven’t even been kissed. Let’s get over that hurdle first!

Follow me on twitter @flamencokitty .

Image: Sharron Goodyear / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

What are good vibrators for virgins?

So I finally have been playing around with my "Stats" tag on blogger. I discovered that quite a bit of you have been visiting my post regarding whether or not a vibrator can de-flower you. Well, if that's what the public wants...

FYI I did also blog about lessons I've learned from the toy, in case you're interested. But I also wanted to share some of the tips I learned about buying a vibrator.

Firstly, you can buy the toys at adult toy shops or online. Online will often have a bigger selection, but I wanted to go in person because I wanted one IMMEDIATELY. My mailbox also isn't secure, and I certainly did not want the package mailed to my mother!

If you're comfortable, you can also ask the salespeople questions, like "How should I clean this?" They won't care how kinky your questions are. Seriously. Look where they work...

Especially if you're a virgin, be conservative with the size you choose for your first toy. Don't get a rabbit, no matter how cool it looks. It'll probably hurt!

For virgins and other vibe beginners, rule of thumb, or maybe rule of fingers, is that whatever vibrator you get should be about the same width as your middle and index finger put together. Kinda like a fat tampon.

"Bullet" type vibrators are usually a good choice for virgins. An adjustable speed is very nice too. If you plan to play in the tub, waterproof ones are available too.

With lubricant, water-based is usually the best option for most materials. Yes, you will need lube. For real. If you aren't sure which to get, ask a salesperson.

Those tips seemed to work well for me, though now I think I am ready to "upgrade..."

Do you have any other tips for toys? Any recommendations? Feel free to share here or tweet me @flamencokitty.

Image: Salvatore Vuono / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

How much is too much on OkCupid?

I recently read a blog post by SingleGalNYC about some of her online dating woes, particularly when it comes to "small talk" on OkCupid. I still struggle with figuring out how much is too much in their "You should message me if," section.

On the one hand, one of the things I can't stand on online profiles is vagueness. It drives me nuts when guys, I suppose in an act of desperation, say "If you like anything in my profile, hit me up." So on my profile, I say some of the things I'm looking for in a guy.

But how much should I say?

I don't go as far as saying what I want my ideal man to look like, what kind of home he should have or how much money he should be making. But I never know for sure if I'm also "preventing the chemistry from unfolding." Are guys turned off by a woman who is explicit in her dealbreakers?

But then again, do I want a guy who gets so bothered by someone who knows what she wants? After all, it doesn't bother me when a guy is specific about who should message him.

Perhaps the best thing, in the end, is just to be who I am. My ideal matches, after all, won't be frightened away by a woman who says five things she is looking for in a guy. He'll say, "Hey, that sounds like me," and drop me a hello.

Image: kanate / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Follow me on twitter @flamencokitty

Why I can't be a consecrated virgin

Pledge to stay a virgin for life? Are you kidding me?

I came across an article about consecrated virgins from July 2011. It wasn't my first time hearing about these women. A fellow virgin friend of mine told me about them a few years ago. She recommended I consider whether or not God is calling me to the life of a consecrated virgin.

I considered it...for about thirty seconds. No. Thank. You

Now of course, there is always the possibility that I will remain a virgin for life anyway because I have no luck with guys, apparently. Becoming a consecrated virgin also isn't the same as becoming a nun. When you're a nun, you have to go wherever your superiors tell you go and do follow the mission of your order. Consecrated virgins can still live their old life, minus dating.

Still, I don't want to close off possibilities completely! I don't know if I'm being called to a romantic relationship, but I'm not feeling the lifelong, voluntary virginity. What if I finally meet a Mr. Right after "marrying" Jesus? What to do, then?

Besides, although I'm technically a virgin, I have a "toy." I know you don't have to be little Miss Perfect and Pure to be a nun. I've know nuns that have cussed, talked about cute guys and didn't dress like school marms all the time. Still, I would have a really hard time ignoring all my biological urges for life. It's not okay for a consecrated virgin or nun to own an adult toy. Masturbation is a sin in the Catholic Church.

I wish all the consecrated virgins the best. I hope that their relationship with God and Jesus is strengthened because of their choice. However, although consecrated virginity is opening their world, it would close mine.

Image: Sura Nualpradid / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Where the single boys at?

I had neglected my mission to go to bars by myself, but recently started up again. I don’t know if I’m picking the wrong bars, the wrong times, or both, but for some reason, I am not running into many young, single guys. At all the bars I’ve gone to, the majority of young men there were with girls.

Apparently, I’m going at the “date hour,” or something.

So, I posted a status update to facebook asking where young single guys go. Two people, only one of whom was a girl, responded. I wish more of my guy friends would have jumped in but oh well. I’m not so sure this is the most inclusive list, but here are my friends’ answers:

-serious sports bars

-a place where I’m likely to be the only female, like golf clubs, boating clubs or craft brew bars

-ski trip

-improv shows

-cougar bars

-sporting events

-barbecues

Is that about right? Are there other places that single guys, who are over 25 and under 35, frequent? Where the young, single guys at?

By the way, you can now stalk, er, follow me on twitter @flamencokitty

Mission Boudoir: Adding a Bit of Bettie Page

 I'd like to give a shout-out to eBay, especially the eBay stores. They are still my favorite source for cheap posters and prints that I can't find easily in real life.

It's easy to find Marilyn memorabilia.  She's everywhere.  But Bettie?  I have to go online to find her, or at least to find a selection of her.

I work part-time over Summer, so I don't have as much disposable income as during the rest of the year. But I had enough money in PayPal to treat myself to a "sexual totem."  I have moved my goofy tchotchkes from the top of my room's book shelf and replaced them with Bettie, candles, and pretty empty wine bottles.

My camera phone doesn't really do my display justice, but you get the idea.

There were so many prints I liked! However, since people sometimes come to visit me, and one of the entrances to my apartment goes through my room, don't ask why, I didn't want to make any guests uncomfortable with a pic of Bettie in her underoos, rolling off a knee-high nylon.  

I mean, I knew it would be in my room, but still.

I thought the print was still sexy, fun, and matched my idea of female sexuality. She's also clad-enough that I don't think anyone who passes through my room, should they notice her, will be weirded out. Dad recently stopped by to feed the kitties when I went out of town, and he didn't ask about it.

By the way, the candles smell all musky and earthy. Of course they are soy candles and locally made by Scented Seasons. Yes, I know you can't smell the candles online, but if you live in Illinois or Northwest Indiana, perhaps they will be coming to a farmer's market or fair near you.

And no, they didn't pay me to plug them.

The scents I got were Happy Hippie, Woodstock, and Earth Angel. They're all basically sandalwood with some other stuff. Happy Hippie is my favorite.

So in terms of the five senses, I've got smell and have begun sight.  Hopefully, the next change will be touch with soft, more-than-200-count-thread bedsheets...

Mission Boudoir: Making brown romantic

As part of my project to get more "bad girl totems," I am tackling my bedroom. I truly believe that your home is more than the place where you sleep and store your food. It is a physical manifestation of you. The bedroom is the sexuality center of the home. Besides the bathroom, it is the most private, most intimate space. This is where sexuality reaches it's climax. It is therefore, the representation, the manifestation, of your sexuality.

Or so I like to think.

Anyway, I've taken an interest in boudoirs lately. I love the idea of a private, girly space that is only for the woman of the house (and whoever she chooses to invite). A place to relax, get pretty, and be sexy. Most women who live with someone else just don't have the space to have their own boudoir separate from the bedroom they share with their mate. The nice thing about living by myself is my bedroom can be my boudoir. I must take advantage of this opportunity.

Even though I think my room is cute, it does not scream "sex." I ask myself, "If I had a man, would I want to bring him in here?" I mean, I know most men probably could care less if the bedroom looks like a boudoir, but do I feel sexy in this space?

The main issue I have right now with my room is the color scheme. Because I rent, I cannot change the wall colors. Three walls are beige and one is chocolate brown. Currently, the color scheme of my fabrics are basically brown, aqua/turquoise, and light green. It's kind of like this.



The color scheme isn't bad. I think I did a good job with buying linens that "go" together. That color scheme is quite popular, actually. It was easy for me to find stuff that was brown-blue-green. But it's not sexy. Not to me anyway. My senses don't really awaken when I walk in my bedroom. I don't feel a rush. My inner sex kitten just keeps right on napping.

And when I look at pictures of "boudoirs," I don't see a whole lot of brown.












Well I can't paint the walls into a hot amber or jewel tone, which is what I really want. I can't even paint white walls that I could dress up with hot, fiery accessories. But I had no idea how to make brown "sexy."

And then I found some inspiration.










So in order to make brown sensual...

1) Use "warm" colored, dim lighting (especially candles). Think shades of yellow.
.
2) Add accessories with deep, dark red.

3) Add gold.

4) Think "rock," like a Greek temple or Turkish bath (marble, stone furniture or accents).

Now I don't feel so limited, or feel like my room will forever be just "cute." I don't need to wait until I buy a condo and paint the walls whatever I want. I can have my boudoir, even with brown walls.

Being a childfree Catholic

This has been heavy on my mind lately. I don’t talk much about why I don’t want kids because there is already a plethora of blogs, forums and websites that address “childfreedom.” My childfreedom and sexuality are connected though, so it isn’t completely outside the scope of this blog.

It would be inaccurate to say I never ever wanted kids. In high school, I told Mom I would have up to four kids. I even had names picked out for my “future” children. I remember talking about what kinds of toys I would buy, what kind of house I would live in, what I would do with the kids when I got sick of them: “Go outside and don’t come back in until dark!”

Looking back, though, I realize that there is a difference between “planning” for something and “wanting” something. Even though I had some Hallmark images of what being a parent would be like, pregnancy frightened and disgusted me. I also knew there was always the possibility that my kids could grow up to be psychopaths. It rubbed me the wrong way whenever someone said, “The most womanly thing you can do is have a baby,” though at the time, I did not understand why it bothered me…

Growing up, parenthood was never presented as optional, especially not in a Catholic context. If you got married, you had kids, unless something was wrong with your body.

In my mind, sex, marriage and children were all intertwined. The Catholic Church teaches that sex has two functions: building the bond of a married (heterosexual) couple and reproduction. Essentially, sex isn’t fully “sex” unless it is fun for the couple and open to procreation, hence why it should only be done in marriage. Children are supposed to be the physical manifestation/representation of a married couple’s love for each other. So my previous goal was not to marry until I was ready to have kids. Therefore, I did not want to start dating seriously until I was ready to get married. So I really couldn’t start dating until I was ready for kids.

After some extensive soul-searching in my mid-twenties, I realized I will never be “ready” for kids. My life decisions were not leading me to parenthood, and I really wasn’t keen on the idea of being a mom after all. I had become a “fencesitter” in my early twenties. In my mid-twenties, I gladly placed myself on the “childfree” side of the fence.

Right after I came to this realization, I went to a friend’s wedding. During the reception, the priest started talking about the couple’s future family. I thought, “That will never be me up there. I will never get married, because I am never having kids.”

A couple months later, though, I read an article in a local newspaper about married couples who chose not to have kids. I thought, “You can do that?” That idea captured my imagination.

The thought of being married to a man and raising kids with him was weird, uncomfortable, scary, strange, even nauseating. But to just be married to a man, to have all the years of marriage be like everyone else’s “early years of marriage, before the kids were born,” that sounded exciting! Soon after I read that article, I made online dating profiles.

So my childfreedom is actually what motivated me to date. I no longer saw kids as necessary to marriage. Of course, this does not fly in the Catholic (or perhaps any) Church. Human sterilization is actually a “mortal sin” (though you can actually still get married despite being sterilized) and a Catholic marriage has to be open to children. So how do I survive in this Church?

As pro-natal as the Church is, the Church also recognizes the many gifts of single people. Many Catholic saints neither married nor had kids, and the Church points to them as examples of how we should live. Also, because I live in a major Catholic city, I have choices for parishes. I previously attended a parish that mainly held events for families with children and senior citizens. They had nothing for single young adults (without kids). I now attend a parish with a high young adult population. It hosts events for young adults weekly. There is actually a middle-aged married couple who joins in the activities too, and they have no kids. I never asked them why they had no kids, but it inspires me. They found a place. I can too.

How does it feel to never have been kissed?

Awful. Crappy. Awfully crappy.

It is easy to say, “I will not have sex until marriage,” when you have never been in the throngs of passion. Am I untouched because I pull my hand away when guys reach for it, or turn my head away when guys lean in for a kiss?

No!

Guys do not reach for my hand, do not lean in for a kiss. Perhaps my virginity has created a “hands-off,” aura around me. This is fine when dirty old men on the corner yell, “Hey! Can I tap that?” This is a problem when I'm with guys I like.

Sometimes, I do want a guy to play with my blouse. But they don't. The only time guys have ever touched me in the bathing suit area was strangers grabbing my butt at a nightclub. Eww.

So when I liked a guy, I have tried to give hints that physical contact was welcome on date number two. While walking together down the street, I made sure that nothing was in my hands, got a hand within a centimeter of his, and kept it open. When riding with the guy in a car, I leaned in, laughed, smiled and held eye contact. I sat next to the guy on the train and got close enough that our thighs touched and arms kept brushing, with all those smiles and eye contact and leaning in. Once on a movie date, I put my arm on the arm rest next to him.

Nothing.

The guy at the movie didn't even do that cliché move of stretching and putting his arm around my shoulders! I just don't know what to do. Either I'm too subtle or the guys are too disinterested. I don't know. I guess I have to sit on the guy's lap, wrap my arms around his neck, stick my face right in his and part my lips.

I don't know if I want to be with a guy who needs such a not-so-subtle hint…

It is difficult to keep being assertive, to initiate contact, when even after you initiate contact, they still do not ask you out. Or when you go out with them, they do not make a move. I try to persist, but it is hard.

So I think, “Let the guys come to me.” I need proof. I have seen what my guy-friends do when they like a girl. They chase, even the shy ones chase. The girls just have to sit and exist. The guys run to them.

Guys are not running after me. I try to watch for a guy who is checking me out, but usually, no one's looking. Once a month, MAYBE one attractive guy will check me out. If I get any male attention, it is from horndogs on the corner.

So whenever my non-virgin friends complain about not feeling sexy, I think, “Well at least someone screwed you!” Some days I think some good guys out there will not just see me as a sweet, nice, intelligent FRIEND who they respect. Yes, guys have told me they “respected me,” and therefore just wanted to stay friends. What? You cannot simultaneously desire and respect the same woman?

Yet sometimes I think, “Stop kidding yourself. You're average-looking at best. You don't have a ‘milkshake,’ no matter how many bellydance classes you take. You are a prude nerd in bellydance clothing. You're holding back a ‘cookie’ that probably isn't even good. What man in his late twenties or early thirties wants to work for bad, virgin sex? You're hopeless. Go play with your cats.”

The Good Girl’s Guide to Bad Girl Sex: Good and Bad Girl totems

In The Good Girl's Guide…, Keesling talks about good and bad girl totems. Bad girl totems are tangible symbols, objects one has in her home that help reconnect her to her sensual core. At Keesling's home, for example, is a statue of a woman who is posed sensually. According to her, a concrete object placed prominently in your home can help remind you that it is okay to be sexual. It helps set free the bad girl within.

However, in addition to “bad girl” sexual totems, there are also “good girl” totems. Good girl totems are objects from your girlhood that actually reconnect you to your chaste, childish self. These, therefore, can hinder your blooming sexuality. So in addition to placing a conspicuous sexual totem in your home, you also need to get rid of or hide those things that tie you to your inner little girl.

Like most humans, I like the concrete. I do believe external objects can connect us to internal experiences. So I heeded this advice. Looking around my apartment, I realized that I had displayed girlhood objects in my living room and, even worse, my bedroom.

Of course, I am not going to dispose of old keepsake dolls. However, I decided to store most of them out of sight. Only my Scarlett O’Hara doll remains. Even though I received her when I was as a super-chaste teenager, I think it does help reconnect me to my sensuality. Scarlett is definitely a fiery, spirited woman, so I like having her near. I can't say that putting away the toys has completely unleashed my inner vixen, but my apartment does feel different.

I still haven't found a sexual totem though. I mean, Scarlett is okay for now. But she's still a little too safe. She is on display on my living room's “Gone with the Wind” shelf. I need something for my bedroom.

And I have an idea of what I want.

My favorite pin-up girl is Bettie Page. Now I know she posed for some scandalous bondage photos, of which I am not a huge fan (though some are cool). But I love her mischievous smile and “sexy girl next door” attitude. Her little “peep show” dance routines are too funny. She just shakes and prances and teases. I try to channel her spirit whenever I'm on stage. Burlesque in general interests me, though I still haven't gone to a Burlesque show. I want something Burlesque-y or Bettie Page-y. Maybe a poster of her on my wall. Maybe a Burlesque book on displayed on my shelf. Those seem to awaken my dormant “bad girl.”

So here is a taste of my favorite "bad" girl, Bettie.



















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Am I Too Picky?

To celebrate my hundredth post, I'm honoring pickiness!

In our young adult meeting last night, we slipped into talking about dating. After sharing a few of my dating woes, I told the moderator/minister that some of my friends have accused me of being too picky. After a quizzical look, she said, "But it's for the rest of your life. You're looking for someone you want to sit up with when you're seventy." A single mom in the group added, "When you let go of your standards, then you end up with a baby."

It's nice to talk to people who "get" it.

The moderator added, "Now if you're looking for just a little summer love, you shouldn't be picky, but if you're looking for the rest of your life, that's different."

So I googled "picky date," "picky dating,"etc, and found the following pictures. Enjoy!

Where do all the single men work?

One of the many reasons why I am still single is because I just do not encounter a lot of men daily, particularly at work. I live in a neighborhood full of millennials, which helps with "chance encounters," but my industry is predominantly female. There are no men at my job, at all.

I am contemplating a career change. Not to find a man...necessarily. However, I am considering a career in a field that has more men. Actually, I think it’s predominantly male (woohoo!). So just for fun, I decided to google which jobs are male-heavy. Some I would have thought of on my own (like construction), but it was fun to just see more official lists and get more ideas. With some help from about.com, NEW and the Florida Times, here is a list of jobs dominated by men:

Architects
Engineers
Firefighters
Detectives
Construction inspectors
Welders
Chefs
Barbers
Clergy
Computer repairers
Railroad conductors
Machinists
Truck drivers
Pilots
Small engine mechanics
Utilities

So if you’re thinking of a career-change, why not put yourself in the place of more suitors? Although, if you are a construction worker, I guess the men might not find you all that feminine or womanly. Well, that is, until you come to the holiday party all dolled-up! You can also work behind the desk in some of these industries though as the accountant, secretary, lawyer, etc. Why not consider it?

Always be ready for an encounter

When I was a teenager, men often flirted with me at the laundromat, of all places. That always boggled my mind. My hair was a mess. I was dressed in old gym shoes, jogging pants and an oversized winter coat. So not-sexy. Plus, I was fifteen, and have always looked three or more years younger than my age. I thought, "Eww, dirty old men!" Although laundry day provided me-time to listen to my Discman and finish my homework, on those days, I liked it when my father stopped by the laundromat a bit too early.

No one had approached me at the laundromat since high school, until Sunday.

I saw a young-ish man checking me out. Well, I thought I did. I am notorious for misinterpreting signals. Anyway, he was kinda cute, to me anyway. It was hard to fully gauge his cuteness as he was dressed in ratty laundry-day clothes, but he had a cute face. I walked past him a few times to verify my suspicions (and give him something to look at in case he was checking me out...).

This laundromat has a room with wifi where you can work on your laptop. I sat in there and net-surfed while my clothes were drying. The young man stopped in and asked, "Do you think my clothes are dry yet?" I replied I didn't notice when he started the dryer but it was seven minutes per quarter. He glanced at my laptop and then said, "Let me show you something. Go to youtube." He showed me a variety of silly youtube videos that he liked. Some were funny and some were mindless time wasters, but he was cute and had a nice smile and pretty eyes, so I didn't mind the company. :-P He showed me some clips of his favorite anime too. Wow, we anime fans can sniff each other out anywhere, huh? I have been out-of-touch with all things anime since high school, however.

Of course, I was taking mental notes of said boy as we talked, well, he talked, rather. He had a specialized knowledge (plus), he was friendly without being all "hey baby, hey hot stuff" (plus), he could hold a conversation (plus), he took the initiative to approach me (plus). Oh, and yeah, he was cute. I was playing "makeover" in my head, imagining how he might look when he wasn't in laundry-day gear. I wasn't sure how old he was, knew no details like job, school, or whatnot, and didn't want to go there, really. All I knew was he was a friendly, youngish guy in my neighborhood who knew how to do his own laundry and shares an interest with me.

He eventually said, "Hey, do you have facebook?" It was one of the tabs on my computer screen so I had to say, "Yes." He said, "Here, friend request me." Twitter is actually for my professional stuff, which I would have been more comfortable giving, but he didn't have Twitter, so I facebooked him. Whoa, how did he manage to get a facebook friend request out of me? This guy's good. I figured if the guy turned out to be weird, I could always delete him later. I guess this was his equivalent of asking a girl for her number.

I googled his name later (of course) and found out that he was actually twenty-years old. Ew, he can't even drink legally yet? That's almost a ten year difference. Darn google. Why did I have to google him and spoil my fun? Anyway, I have to give the young guy kudos for doing what guys my age don't do (anymore?). I know I was giving off "leave me alone" body language, though I was consciously trying to be more approachable.

But this boy did exactly what any match needs to do with me. The guy needs to approach me, but he needs to do it in a friendly way. No "hey beautiful, hey baby girl, can I talk to you?" Just come and talk to me, maybe talk about a "prop" I'm carrying. He needs to actually be able to talk about something other than work or school. He needs to be persistent, even when I'm giving off "leave me alone," signals (like me saying, "I have to get going"). Is it a lot? Yeah, maybe. But he got a friend request out of me, which gives a lot of access to my personal, inner world. I don't even give that to guys I contact on okcupid. I don't even give out my phone number until right before I meet a guy! So his persistence worked.

How to (indirectly) let him know he isn't getting any...

In hindsight, I have realized that some of the men I dated might have been expecting something to happen after the date. They asked, "So, you up for anything else?" "You want a ride home? (after the first date)" "You wanna go anywhere else." I, of course said, "No," but later thought, "Wait, what were they really asking for?" I know I didn't give off much (if any) "Take me now," body signals. I never discuss sex on dates.

Now, however, I've figured out a few ways to let the guys indirectly know that nothing is happening after the date, in case they couldn't figure it out by our lack of sex talk and me only hugging them after the date.

1) Put a time limit on the date-I tell guys when we're setting up the date that I will only have 45 minutes to an hour.

2) Schedule dates in the afternoon or early evening-Apparently, if the date is after sundown, some guys seem to assume the date is going to go all night. Schedule it early!

3) Have a lie ready, especially if you have to meet after dark-Of course, if he's nosy and asks what you have going on after the date, you could be honest and say, "Oh, I'm just tired," or "Oh I need some me-time," as "None of your business" is probably too mean. :-P However, implying that you'll be home alone might leave the door open for him to pester you and say, "Well, do you want a little company?..." I always have a stock lie ready (which I have yet to use): my neighbor is having a girls-night-in at her apartment.

4) Have your own way to get home-It seems some guys think of a ride home as a down payment for action. Is that some "game" thing? If you offer a girl for a ride and she says "Yes," that means she wants you to come to her apartment? I don't know all the "rules." If I wanted him to come upstairs, I wouldn't have waited until the car ride to tell him so!

Whenever I have put a limit on the date and scheduled the dates by day, I never had a slightly awkward, "So, you wanna do anything else," conversation. But even the guys who were hoping for some action on date one seem to get it after date two, and I never hear from them again (thankfully).