Rethinking "He's Just Not That Into You"

I googled the question, "How to tell if a guy isn't into you," and book reviews for Greg and Liz's book emerged. I have read that book and previously sung its praises, but user reviews on Amazon challenged my thoughts on He's Just Not that Into You.

I must admit, the book really is pop psychology, and can't be considered a scholarly source on dating. It's anecdotal, although Greg does indirectly admit that it's not scientific. I suppose it really is just The Rules revamped for modern, young readers. The book, in a nutshell, says that if a guy likes you, he will go above and beyond to show it. If he's too "shy" to ask you out, he's lazy and not worth your time. The book says women shouldn't have to chase men, call or text men after a date, because a man will come after you.

Now, it is true that some men are shy, some are too busy to think about dating (even if they like you), and some men just don't want to risk rejection by asking a woman out, no matter how much they are crushing on her.

Still though, my problem is that guys in the past were giving me clear signs that they didn't like me, but because I thought they were shy, or secretly crushing on me but insecure or unsure of my feelings, I pursued them anyway. I was the one initiating contact. I was the one asking when to hang out. From age 19 until now, two guys have made it obvious that they liked me (though I didn't like them as more than friends): emailing me a lot, calling me regularly, asking to hang out one-on-one (which I suppose is a date). The obvious ones did like me, the not-obvious, mixed signal guys didn't like me. So for me, there was a lot of truth in Greg's book.

Just the same, after reading the reviews, I am taking HJNTIY a little less seriously. It reminded me that sitting and waiting for the guys to come to you is not always a fun place to be. Also, the guys who are very assertive and very obvious in their attraction might be the wrong kind of guy for you. I don't really want a very extroverted guy, no matter how charming he seems at first. They could be very demanding, possessive, and traditional in their gender roles.

So I'm still in a conundrum. The HJNTIY type is really not my type, but my type would probably never tell me that he's into me. That means I have to initiate. But how do I distinguish Shy Guy from a man who isn't into me?...

Maybe I should just stay single. This relationship stuff is too complicated!

On the right track...

Yesterday I had a date with my first referral from elove. Although I'm not sure where we'll go from here, I must say they did a good job on round one.

They really did try to match me up with a guy who fit what I wanted and whose personality went well with mine. When the interviewer asked me what guys I find most attractive, I replied that like most people, I often find guys that look like a male version of me are the most attractive :-P. Well, Nick did have features similar to mine so of course I thought he was cute (not "hot," but I recognize hotness does not necessarily equal quality). Both of us also don't eat meat, have the same number of siblings (with a similar age gap between us and our younger siblings) and live within about 5 miles of each other. Also, I said I wanted a man who was stable, employed and independent, all of which he fits. He's a gentleman too, per my request. It sounds like he's Christian (though I didn't ask directly) and he might not be eager to have children. He's also the height and build I wanted.

I wish, though, that elove didn't ask us to give feedback after the first meeting. If I gave feedback now, I'd say give me a new referral. He seemed a little nervous and was not the best at maintaining a conversation. Also, he seemed a little too ordinary. I have various hobbies, like to travel and basically try to do more than just my job. However, all Nick does is work and play basketball with his brothers. He admitted to being a bit of a homebody. Although I am introverted and do enjoy occasional days or weekends where I just sit at home, I wouldn't define myself as a "homebody."

So he's kinda boring. I feel sorry for him. He really is a sweet guy, but as they say, nice guys finish last. That probably explains his lack of a girlfriend.

The fact that he never finished college is a bit of a turn-off too. But at least he has a decent job and works hard. That's not true for all college grads.

However, I know people tend to be more nervous and awkward on first dates than they might be on following dates. Because he is such a nice guy, I'm willing to try a second date with him before I give the feedback. I put it on him, though, to call me. After reading "He's Just Not That Into You," I refuse to chase a guy. Let him call me, let him chase me. Perhaps that's old fashioned, but I am notorious for being a chaser and misinterpreting friendliness for romantic interest. I'll give him a few days, and if he doesn't call, I'll send in my feedback. If he really likes me, he'll call.

So I'll just tell them that I want a guy who was basically a "Nick" but with hobbies and interests outside of work.