Why I need to stop facebook-stalking

I facebook-stalk in an attempt to find out if the guy I'm crushing on is crushable. "Is he single?" "Is he straight?" Yes, I have this tendency to crush on guys who are gay, because I have a broken "gaydar."

But facebooking-stalking, lately, has been ruining the fun. It has abruptly stopped my crushing twice. Once I found out info on the guys, I said, "Oh, nevermind. We'll just be friends."

The most recent crush was a guy I met at a community center in my neighborhood three weeks ago. "Jack" is a cute guy. Short, curly black hair. Tan skin. Thick glasses. A few inches taller than me and a thin-to-average build. Super-friendly. And he busted out some Spanish at one point to some people who walked in. Bilingualism is definitely a turn-on for me sometimes. There were a few other volunteers at the center but he couldn't stop talking to me, asking me questions, smiling at everything I say.

I went back to the center over the weekend for a movie night. He actually remembered my name! :) We chatted for a bit before the movie started. After the movie, I ended up conversing with another guy and he ended up talking in another group.

I promptly proceeded to facebook-stalk that night. I only had his first name, but the movie night was posted as an event on facebook. I found him through that. Yes, I have some mad facebook-stalker skills.

Jack's profile was private! Boo. I usually don't friend people, especially people I just met. I let others friend me. But eh, why not? He remembered me, after all. I friended him and mentioned that I was at the movie night. To my delight, he accepted my friend request.

To my dismay, he is six years younger than me. He is also Atheist. Man. Now my crush is gone.

This is why I need to stop facebook-stalking cuties I meet "in real life." I have a rapport with a guy, then I discover incompatibility when I look him up. And it's not something unimportant to me, like music or movie tastes. It's something really important to me, like religion. And then I don't want to pursue him beyond friendship.

Of course when I return to the center for future events, I will gladly stop and have a conversation or two with him. But in the meantime, I guess it's back to okcupid.

Follow me on twitter @flamencokitty.

Image: Stuart Miles / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Going...going ...gone!

No, not the virginity.

I am currently crush-less, or perhaps in-between crushes.

I finally found out indirectly that Mark actually plans on having kids someday, or at least assumes it. I never knew for sure. I don't often bring up my childfreedom in casual conversation, especially with people I only see once per month. The crush was waning, but this kills it. Those blinders have fallen off and now I'm seeing all the ways we aren't compatible anyway. If only I knew he wanted kids earlier!

It's always a mix of liberation, boredom and disappointment when a crush terminates. Who can I daydream about in idle moments? Who can I fantasize about when my thoughts wander before bed? I guess I can just daydream about celebrities, but it's not the same.

Yet I also feel “normal” again. When I listen to a love song, I won't imagine a crush singing it to me. When I watch a romantic comedy, I won't imagine myself and the crush in the leading roles.

And my searches on online dating sites, which I've resumed, won't be so half-hearted. I changed to a better picture and already got a few winks and messages, but if it doesn't look like the guy actually read my profile, I ignore the message and block the guy. Cruel? Perhaps, but I actually put a lot of effort in writing my intros. So, if a guy is actually interested, would it kill him to spend a couple minutes reading my spiel? How do I know a guy isn't just winking at everyone and copying and pasting the same message (for example, “Hey, ur beautiful. I like your smile. Let's chat”)? I take time to read profiles. Take time to read mine! It's especially annoying when guys who want kids (or worse, guys who have kids) message me. That further makes me think they didn't even read the basic stuff!

I'm slowly starting to get excited again. In my “real” journal, I've started mapping out a plan for “putting myself out there.” Yes, I'm planning. Yes, I'm being strategic about it. Not just letting it happen or “waiting” for Mr. Right to come to me. When I didn't try, nothing happened. Now I'm trying. Still no relationship, but at least I've dated now. If I didn't do online dating, I'd have no dates at all.

"Am I over him?"

I had a little crush on the moderator of the book club I attend, Mark. I wasn't in hot pursuit because I was getting nothing beyond friendliness from him. Still, I secretly admired him.

Last month, though, Angie came to the meeting. She's also getting her doctorate and just as well-read as him. After the meeting, they got into conversation that spilled into our "after party." They basically talked to each other the whole time at the bar. Lowered voices, constant eye contact, exchange of phone numbers. They didn't even notice when we were leaving. I was playing some bar games with other book clubbers, and one whispered, "Good. He needs to get laid!" We all thought something more than friendship was blooming.

Was I a bit heartbroken? Sure. But I went to another party afterward and thoroughly enjoyed myself. We just aren't compatible beyond acquaintances. Oh well.

Yesterday was another meeting. I took the bus on the way and was journaling when I looked up and noticed someone at a stop that resembled Mark. I put my head down, kept writing. "If it's him, let him come to me," I thought. Very teenager-y, I know. Well, it was him and he did sit next to me and we had harmless chat the whole way. As further proof of his disinterest though, I discovered that he's actually been living less than a mile from me (temporarily) and, btw, hasn't told me. :/ It's difficult conversing on buses on trains, especially on the subway when it gets loud and creaky. There were lapses in conversation and I missed flirting opportunities. So I figured I must be mostly "over him." I still got a little nervous and was again freezing in his presence. I did manage to fit in a couple compliments, though.

At the meeting, someone joked to him "So, where's your girlfriend, Angie?" He replied that she was out of town but he did not know she was his girlfriend.

...What? It was classic "interested" body language! He isn’t into Angie? She seemed like a good match for him. In all honesty, I had a spurt of hope, and regretted that I wasn't more flirtatious when I had him all to myself!

Well, after the "after party," I went with him and two other members home on the same bus. He sat by the man and I sat by the young woman. But as Mark left the bus, he shook our hands, and my voice’s pitch rose as I said goodbye. I also finally looked up and waved at him out the window when he looked back at the bus. I'm horrible about remembering to look back, like they do in the movies.

So I added to my flirting repetoire last night. My crush isn't quite as gone as I'd like it to be, but I think I'm in an overall healthy place. I know there are others out there. I just need to keep an eye open.

Mini triumphs in flirting

My inner flirt got to spread her wings a bit this weekend. In all honesty, it looked nothing like the picture, but anyway.

Saturday, my friend asked me to be an extra in an independent short film that her friend was directing. I was assigned, last minute, to do something front and center, so I needed makeup. While the makeup girl was powdering and eye-shadowing me, Mr. Director walked by and asked how it was going. The makeup lady said "Just making her gorgeous," and he replied, "Well I don`t see any difference at all!" I replied, "You are just too kind!" That's me, flirt-mode. He was probably gay, FYI.

On Sunday, during the Sign of Peace at Mass, Rick (who has some sort of special needs) once again said, "Ooh, you still have big muscles." I don`t, btw, but that's become the thing he likes to say to me every weekend, after which he proceeds to pat the bit of fat on my upper arm. I told him, "Oh, you are just too sweet!" My inner flirt was now very attentive to any potential flirting opportunities.

All this came to a sort of climax on Sunday afternoon after the book club meeting. As you may know, I have a little crush on Mark, the club moderator. Still don't know if he's gay (I have reasons to suspect he is, on which I won't elaborate now), or interested, or childfree, but I got a little thing for him anyway until I know otherwise.
Let me quickly explain that to get to the meeting via public transit, I have two options: 1) Take the train to the nearest station and walk about fifteen minutes, or 2) Take the train to a station that's further and take the bus, which brings me right to the door of the meeting site. Option 1 is often the quicker route, but if it's bad weather (or I don't feel like walking), I take the bus. After the meeting, I wait for the bus because when Mark leaves, he usually walks past the bus stop to get to his car. Silly me, I know, but whatev. He usually walks right past me without so much as a nod. However, my goofy self still waits for the bus in hopes that maybe he'll at least wave as he passes one day.
Sunday, he was talking (ahem, debating) with a new book club member outside after the meeting. They couldn't come to a resolution in their discussion during the meeting. I started thinking, "Well I guess he's into her, not me," because that's what I do, jump to conclusions, find reasons to stop crushing on guys. I waited (and waited and waited...) for the bus. I stopped glancing over to see if he was walking my way and just read my book.
Lo and behold, Mark stops and says, "The bus is late, huh?" And we preceeded to converse, much to my delight! Nothing sexy in the conversation, just talked about walking, the city, traveling.
It was very cliche, how I was feeling: not fully listening, unable to speak as coherently as usual, lotsa smiling, giddy. I didn't care what he was saying. I just wanted him to talk to me. He actually stayed with me until my bus arrived. I expected just a quick goodbye, which would have made my day! I'd like to think he just wanted to spend time with me because he's totally into me, but I know, I know. It may mean nothing.
Anyway, when the buses arrived (yes two arrived at the same time, typical), he made a comment about their tardiness and I replied, "Well I guess it's a good thing the bus wasn't on time. Otherwise, I wouldn't have got to talk to you!"

Hey, for me, that's flirting. That's as good as I get.

Anyway, my mania and glee and fantasizing has died down, though I still like to run through the conversation in idle moments. Also, now I remember what "attraction" or "chemistry" is supposed to feel like. The conversation should just flow, the "flirting" should be automatic. I remembered that happy nervousness, the desire to be sexy just for him, which I haven't felt since Nate, back in December. No date has tickled my fancy this year. None, yet I wondered after each date if I should give the guys another chance (I usually didn't). Maybe the spark would be delayed? I don't know if Mark was feeling the tension too. With my luck, probably not, but I friended him on facebook anyway a couple days ago, and he accepted. I guess I should be happy that he sees me as a friend at least.

And now I can facebook-stalk him and keep in touch between meetings. ;-)

Shortest crush ever

Last Thursday, I went for some drinks with a few old friends from college. One young man who attended was “Eric.” He is a year older than me, and we were in a few student groups in college together. Therefore, we have many mutual friends and hung out (in groups, never one-on-one) regularly in college, but seldom see each other since he graduated. We exchange small talk at parties and when I used to take public transit, I ran into him on the train a few times. I also saw him at a protest that I passed while riding my bike. So we still run into each other, actually. :-P He’s very sweet, a bit introverted (which is a turn-on for me), very passionate about his political beliefs, but not self-righteous. His political activism is fueled by his religious convictions. We’re both practicing Catholics, FYI.

In college, I had no romantic interest in Eric. Although he is “in my league” in terms of looks (we’re both nerdy), I never found him particularly attractive on the outside. Plus, a friend of mine had the hots for him during freshman year, and I have this policy of not chasing after guys that my friends like. I hesitate to even do it eight years after she supposedly got over her crush on him. I say “supposedly” because I think she still likes him a little. What kind of friend am I if I pursue a guy who I know one of my best friends likes?

However, Thursday, I was in the mood for a little flirting. Sadly, I’m not particularly good at it. I was happy to see Eric, genuinely, platonically happy. But then it morphed into a more romantic interest. He appeals to me more now than he did in college, and in all honesty, I have toyed with the idea of us together. I sat next to him at the bar, but of course, didn’t talk much to him. A boisterous young man at the table held more of my attention. Bars are too loud for meaningful conversation as far as I’m concerned anyway. Also, in a group of about half a dozen, I become more of a listener and daydreamer. “Eve” had to bring me into her conversation.

So I missed my opportunity to flirt with Eric, but because he was attending a party after our bar outing that wasn’t too far, I offered to give him a ride. I was driving Eve home too, so what did an extra five minutes matter? The three of us exchanged small talk and a few jokes in the car. As he left, my goodbye was extended, and my voice jumped to a higher, more girly pitch. Eve caught my higher pitch and said, “You like Eric, don’t you?”

If it’s possible to blush on the inside, that’s exactly what I did. I’m a contradiction. I want to flirt, but don’t want anyone else to know that I’m flirting. :-P I was caught! I stumbled over my words and told Eve I have thought about it, but I was just playing, having a little fun. But that observation of hers started a whole weekend of me daydreaming, fantasizing and wondering, “What if?” I looked through old photo albums on facebook and on my bookshelf, trying to piece together a story, trying to see if there was ever any hint of something brewing between us. I hate when I obsess over a guy, so I made a deal with myself: “One weekend. I’ll give myself the whole weekend to daydream and fantasize to my heart’s content, that’s it.”

I’m happy to say that the crush that had been sizzling all weekend has fizzled. Although typing this blog entry has got me daydreaming a little again, I’m definitely not where I was this weekend. Plus, I had a bad week at work, and I think I needed a couple days of daydreaming about a boy. So I thank Eric for giving me a needed distraction. Although I certainly wouldn’t turn him down if he ever asked me on a date, I recognize that the likelihood of that is low to nil. We’ve known each other eight years and not once has he asked me even to get coffee with him. Clearly, he’s pegged me as a friend and has no romantic interest in me.

But that’s okay. It really is.

violently in love

In Pride and Prejudice, Austen describes Mr. Darcy as violently in love with Elizabeth...I think. Well, I'm not 100% sure, but that fits my attitude lately. Or at least, it fits where I want to be.

Let me be more specific. I'm in the mood for someone to be violently in love with me. I want a secret admirer. Recently, I've been watching more lovey-dovey types of shows in movies. In particular, I'm eagerly awaiting the series finale of one of my favorite shows, "Ugly Betty." No, I'm not a "Detty" per se. I don't want Betty to fall for Daniel in the final episode and for them to run off in each other's arms. That would be a cheesey way to end the series. However, after Hilda's marriage and Daniel looking so lovingly at Betty, I do want him to confess.

Hey, when you're a single virgin, sometimes you live vicariously through fictional characters!

Add to that nicer Spring weather plus recently finishing Persuasion and now I want some guy to be madly, violently in love with me. I want to be adored. Honestly, I do want some (worthy) man to stumble and falter from violent love in my presence. I want to give a man butterflies. I want a guy to be enchanted by me. Needless to say, I'm more eager to get more serious about online dating, at least compared to the apathy I've been feeling since February.

The moderator of the book club I joined, Mark, might be my next crush pending further investigation. ;-P I know little about him other than he's single, likes books and is a phD student. He's at a pretty smarty-pants school and an immigrant. I don't know his sexuality nor do I know if he's "into" someone else. For a moment, I suspected if he was into me, but no major signs are there. Plus, because I "almost" am in pursuit of him, I might be misinterpreting neutral singles for romantic interest. I do that a lot. Anyway, I tried to get there early, to the book club meeting I mean, to try and attempt some small talk, but it wasn't early enough. One other man was there, and I had a burst of nervousness. If I'm not comfortable around him, that might not be a good sign.

In any case, I am determined not to chase after guys or lust after guys who don't like me. That has been my pattern since....always. No more! I know a little imagining doesn't hurt, but I can't let this almost-crush keep me from remaining active in online dating.

Dreams

I try not to put too much stock in dreams. Some people read so much into them, as if they are prophecies, as if we are all Joseph and the amazing technicolor dreamcoat. True, dreams can give us some insight into our feelings, as people we are thinking a lot about often appear in our sleep. Although our dreams have some meaning, sometimes the meaning is mundane. We dream about work because we go there every day. We dream about guns because we watched an action-packed movie. We dream about our mothers after we have a fight with them.

Despite my logical, left-brainer approach to them, I sometimes am troubled by my dreams. Last night, I dreamt about someone I used to have a crush on, years ago, in freshman year of undergrad: "Tim." Tim is not too dissimilar to Walter. Both are liberal, radical activist types. Very political, and both a bit self-righteous, as in "you can't be a true radical/leftist/liberal unless you give up x, y, and z!" Walter, however, is religious while Tim is Atheist. The Atheism, angry self-righteousness and difference in sexual morals were what turned me off of Tim. Really, I had a thing for Tim mainly because I thought he liked me. Honestly, I still sometimes wonder if he harbors some attraction to me. I like to play with stories in my head. I started (and abandoned) a story based on him, about a young, Atheist, hard-ass liberal who falls for a good church girl, and just can't squelch the love, though it's unrequited. Perhaps I'm just in the mood for a good, unrequited love story. But upon more reflection, I always conclude that it is impossible for him to have a secret, seven year crush on me.

Anyway, my dream. I dreamt I was at a party, at the end of the night. I guess it was too late to go home on my own, so I laid down to sleep in one of those long, reclining lawn chairs, on the porch of the apartment where the party was held. It was dark, quiet, just some porch lights on. The sky was dark brown. Mild temperature, just a light breeze. I wasn't wearing a jacket. I was half asleep in the dream, so very relaxed and paying little attention to my environment. Along comes Tim, who lays on top of me (we're both fully clothed), and just wraps his arms around me and sleeps quietly. So warm, so nice it was to have another body mass lay on me. He wasn't heavy, I didn't choke, but I could feel the evenly distributed weight. He wasn't trying to make out or take off my clothes. Just laying. I wrapped my arms around him, his head just below my neck, on the left side of my chest. I felt so peaceful, it felt so natural, I didn't want it to end. My lips parted, waiting, excited, because I knew with his experience, he must be a good kisser. He shifted a little when I parted my lips.

And the dream ended, of course. It always ends before the best part.

And of course, it was one of the last dreams I had before waking up, so it's been on my mind all day. I woke up hot and bothered, not surprisingly. Passion unfulfilled. I do not have a crush on him anymore, though I believe his personality has improved. He isn't quite as angry and self-righteous as he became when the Iraq war started. He's more like the old Tim, laid back, funny, and now more gentlemanly. If only he weren't Atheist and sooo horny. There are qualities in him that I would like in a boyfriend.

Just the same, after last night's dream, if he ever leaned against me on the couch tried to sneak in a kiss with a hug, I can't say I'd push him away. :-P No, I am not interested in a FWB, but a peck (or two) wouldn't hurt!