What exactly is a "virgin?"

I've been pondering this a lot lately.  Although I'm still technically a "virgin," I'm not quite as virginal as I was earlier this year...

I had a fling in February, though I didn't know it was a fling.  There were signs along the way that the guy and I were falling into the fling zone, never to leave, but I hoped anyway.  February was A LOT of fun!  March and April were terrible.

Now I have an idea of what it must be like to go through withdrawal from a drug.  Although the guy and I didn't go "all the way," we did visit each others apartments, and clothes kind of just fell off...

Even at "third base," my hormones go nuts!  I read somewhere that the chemicals in the brain that fire while doing cocaine, I believe, also fire during orgasm. Or something. Here's an article about it.  Recovering from a boy is like recovering from a drug!

Anyway, it makes me wonder about the definition of a virgin.  Sure, me and my bestie both have never had vaginal sex, but are we in the same category of "virgin?"  I went from never kissing a guy to third base in one night! Amy isn't even comfortable dancing, just dancing, with a stranger, if he puts his hands anywhere on her abdomen.

It goes to show how labels are not always accurate.

I learned a lot from my experience with the February Fling, more than I could cover in one post.  However, one of my biggest lessons is now I know how far I can go, physically, without attaching to a guy.  I now know, in the future, that I can't even go to third base and then not see a guy ever again. 

There will be no happy-fun-naked times outside the context of a relationship.  No matter how tempting it is to recapture the ecstasy I had in February, I can't go that far without commitment.  The heartbreak aftermath is just not worth it.

Thankfully, the guy I'm "hanging out" with now is truly respectful and interested in me, not my body.  For those of you who are Jane Austen nerds like me, well, in February, I dated Mr. Wickham.  Now, I think I'm hanging with a version of Mr. Darcy!  I don't know if we'll go beyond friends, or go beyond one month, which is my record with any guy.  However, things have not been going the way of Mr. Wickham, and that is a very good thing!

So how do you define "virgin?"

Where should I look for my kind of guy?

I've been reading the book, Buddhism: Plain and Simple, lately, and have started thinking about it in relation to my lack-of-dating life.  In this book, the author, Steve Hagen, discusses "seeing" a lot.  He says that Buddhism is partially about really seeing what is in front of you.  Not analyzing it, not creating ideas about it, just "seeing," truly seeing.

I went to a few events last month, one of which was aimed at Catholic, young adult singles. Some things were becoming clear to me, once I opened my eyes and really saw what was in front of me.

As soon as I pulled into the lot of the Catholic singles event, I saw a bumper sticker for Bill Brady on one car and another car with a "crisis pregnancy" center bumper sticker.  Crisis pregnancy centers are basically pro-life centers.  If I wasn't meeting my bestie at this event, I would have left.

Not only were there signs of Republicans, but most of the guys who were there were either too old or way too young for me.  The guy who spoke with me the longest actually had kids. And the conversations were mostly boring small talk, like about jobs.

Again, if it hadn't been for "Amy," I would not have stayed longer than an hour.  Some other friends of mine happened to be there. The world of Catholic singles in my city is small after all.  I talked to them until Amy arrived.

Surprisingly, though, or maybe not so surprisingly, when I went to the community center where I met Jack, I felt very comfortable.  Much more comfortable and welcomed than I did at the Catholic event.  They were screening a progressive, radical movie.  Complete strangers willing to strike up a conversation, usually about social justicey things.  And of course, there was a potluck with plenty of vegan-friendly food.

Jack, of course, was a nice addition too.

If I really open my eyes, I see that Catholic young adult events for singles are probably not the place to meet my Mr. Right.  Yet I keep going to them.  I go to some hippie-liberal-progressive event, that isn't even a "singles" event, and feel much more at home.

Einstein said something like insanity is doing the same thing over and over though you're getting the same result. I'll go to Catholic young adult events for my own spiritual needs.  That's it.

Follow me on twitter @flamencokitty 

Image: Danilo Rizzuti / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Do I want a husband, or just sex?

I have mentioned before that my best friend, Amy, and I are still virgins. She is gung-ho about holding the cherry hostage until marriage.

Right now, I don’t care if I walk down the aisle de-flowered. I haven’t told Amy that I’m not feeling the “wait ‘til marriage” thing anymore.

Anyway, I think we’ve been having similar feelings lately and are interpreting them in different ways. She longs for marriage, like, right now.

For once, Amy’s been trying harder than me to get a man. Her skirts are a little shorter. She’s actually wearing skirts! And heels! And she is finally moving beyond solid colored cardigans and jeans and no makeup. Now she puts makeup on daily, shows a little cleavage and wears bright colors and patterns.

She even started online dating, two years after me. She gave up after a few weeks, though, when she couldn’t get past the online chatting with any guy.

Whenever she talked to a guy online, she told me about why she thought he might be “the one,” why he might make a good husband.

Yes, Amy flat out told me that she really wants a husband. She also hopes the courtship is brief, perhaps only a few months, just like it was with her virginal parents.

And every single time we hang out now, she talks about the lack of men our age in the place. I sometimes don’t even notice. I’m too busy eating or talking to her or whatever.

If Amy is feeling how I’ve been feeling lately, I wonder if it’s really desire for marriage, or if she is just “in heat?”

One of the many reasons I’ve been less active in dating since Spring is because of my toy. Whenever I get all aflutter, satisfaction is just a flick of the switch away. I know Amy has no “toys” and I’m sure she follows the Catholic rule of not pleasuring yourself either.

I can’t imagine the level of sexual frustration that is still pent up in Amy.

I am talking to new guys in public and occasionally send messages on OkCupid. I do try to stay open and alert for guys who are looking my way. I even talked to a guy in a bar recently!

But my level of desperation is not Amy’s. Marriage is not on the horizon for me, and I’m okay with that.

I mean, I still haven’t even been kissed. Let’s get over that hurdle first!

Follow me on twitter @flamencokitty .

Image: Sharron Goodyear / FreeDigitalPhotos.net