Should women always let men chase them?

There is an "old" dating rule that is driving me a little crazy.  "Women should let men chase them."

Last night, I was facebook chatting with a friend who is on the dating scene.  When I told her about my online dating escapades, she asked, "Well what about the old-fashioned way?"  After I told her how that isn't working, she said to perhaps just stop looking and perhaps a man will come to me.


My response?  "They don't come to me whether or not I'm looking!"

I googled "should women always let men pursue?" Many results were in the affirmative.

To snag a man, let him do the chasing
Ladies, Let Men Pursue You!
Why You Should NEVER Pursue a Man

One link said women should always do the chasing, but I question anyone who references Ayn Rand.

However, not all my friends followed the "let the man chase you" rule.  Also, sitting back and waiting for a man to pursue puts you in a very powerless position.  It leaves you to their whims.  It turns you into a peacock. Dolling yourself up, on display, waiting for a man to notice you.

One could say to just work on you and not worry about men. So we should keep our eyes closed? Never keep an eye out for opportunities? Aren't men always on the lookout?

Some might argue that "chasing" is desperate.  How is initiating contact more desperate than lifting your skirt, batting your eyes and winking at every cute-ish dude across from you at a bar? Why is it "desperate" for a woman to initiate contact but "normal" for a guy to do so?

Now, the June boy, that I chased a little, said that he wants to stay friends, and I haven't heard from him since 4th of July.  I sent a mass "Happy 4th of July" text to my friends to which he responded.  Whenever guys say that they want to "just be friends" with me, I don't really believe it.  I think they were just feeding me a line to "let me down easy." I didn't hear from them again.

Just say, "Thanks for the nice times, good luck with everything." Man!

I don't know if I turned him off by chasing or if he was never that into me, but it is fun being the pursuer instead of the pursued!  And it's not like I texted him every darn day or begged him to take me out.  I just texted a couple times a week. And I kept my flirting at a low level.  Just occasional compliments. 

My feeling now is, every relationship "expert" has contradictory advice. From now on, I'm just going to do what feels right to me, and if dude don't like it, if he is turned off or threatened by a woman sending the first message online, then he isn't the guy for me.

What do you think? Should women always let the men chase them?

How much is too much on OkCupid?

I recently read a blog post by SingleGalNYC about some of her online dating woes, particularly when it comes to "small talk" on OkCupid. I still struggle with figuring out how much is too much in their "You should message me if," section.

On the one hand, one of the things I can't stand on online profiles is vagueness. It drives me nuts when guys, I suppose in an act of desperation, say "If you like anything in my profile, hit me up." So on my profile, I say some of the things I'm looking for in a guy.

But how much should I say?

I don't go as far as saying what I want my ideal man to look like, what kind of home he should have or how much money he should be making. But I never know for sure if I'm also "preventing the chemistry from unfolding." Are guys turned off by a woman who is explicit in her dealbreakers?

But then again, do I want a guy who gets so bothered by someone who knows what she wants? After all, it doesn't bother me when a guy is specific about who should message him.

Perhaps the best thing, in the end, is just to be who I am. My ideal matches, after all, won't be frightened away by a woman who says five things she is looking for in a guy. He'll say, "Hey, that sounds like me," and drop me a hello.

Image: kanate / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

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Why don't nerdy men date their own kind?

I reread one of my favorite blog entries, Revenge of the Nerds. I stumbled across it while googling “dating nerds” a while back. Although Von was talking about black nerds, I think what she said could apply to many non-black nerds too.

In her post, Von was basically telling nerdy black men to STFU. Apparently these men keep complaining that all the hot black girls (“dime pieces”) only go for the thugs and are overlooking these “good” nerds. She makes several points. First off, not every black man is either a thug or a nerd. She defines a nerd as an oogly mofo with no charisma, no social skills, poor fashion, book smarts and a lot of bitterness toward black women. Think Steve Urkel. She differentiates this group of guys from black intellectuals, who are super smart but also have charisma, social skills and know how to pick out a suit. Think Barack Obama. There are plenty of black men within the spectrum of smart with no swagga (nerds) and dumb with swagga (thugs).

Secondly, she points the mirror right back at the nerdy black guys who call the dime pieces “superficial” for turning them down because the dimes do not find them attractive. Von asks nerdy black men why they are not going after female black nerds? Instead, they complain and pursue the “reject” White women (like the chubby ones) and find those reject white women more attractive than nerdy black women. In her own words, “You want a dime piece black woman, but you'll settle for a nerdy marginal white woman [Linda Gates]. You wouldn't accept a black female version of yourself but you would accept a marginal white woman. Tell me what's wrong with this picture!”

According to Von, of course the dime is going to reject a bitter, “ugly,” socially awkward nerd who hasn't made any money yet. However, there are dimes who will still turn down a black nerd after he makes his money, because they see that underneath the Benjamins is that same bitter personality. Money can't cure every fault. I have to agree that even though I like guys who are nerdy, bitterness toward women is a turn off.

Now Von isn't the final authority on the black nerd dating scene, of course. I mean, who is? And I don't agree with everything she says. For example, while I concur that some nerds look like Chewbacca, beauty is relative. However, as a nerdy mixed gal (I say “nerdy” as opposed to nerd, as I don't think I'm completely lacking in swagga), I have seen a lot of what she's saying. I have known plenty of black nerds, and only one ever pursued me. And yes, by and large, nerds that I have known (of all colors) did chase the “dimes,” at least in junior high and undergrad (I went to an all-girls high school and so cannot comment on high school dating drama), and then they got all bitter when the “hottest” girls chose the “hottest” guys. Black nerds never give biracial, nerdy me the time of day, and I have nerdy, black girl friends who are single.

I can't really blame the hotties for turning down the nerds. About a year ago, the Discovery Channel showed a documentary about attraction, and said that we basically find out where our hotness stands during adolescence and pair up accordingly. In seventh grade, I learned pretty quickly that I was not a “ten.” I went to a magnet (meaning you had to score high on an entrance exam to get in) junior high, so you would think I would be surrounded by homely nerd girls who would make me look like Beyonce. Not so much. My geekiness was not quite at the level of the “Magic the Gathering” players, but I certainly was not dating a high school senior while in eighth grade (like our class dime, “Erica”). Why would the alpha-female go for a nerd when she knows she can get an alpha-male? The girly girl wants a manly man. Duh.

Yes, my nerdy self does have a celebrity crush on Johnny Depp, but seriously, that skinny guy who's in love with France is not an alpha-male. The Rock could totally kick his ass. Alpha-males don't impress me much, though. I like falsetto (i.e. kinda girly) singers. Robin Thicke makes me swoon. Barry White? Meh. I like longer, ear-length hair on guys (kinda girly) and slim bodies (kinda girly). Glasses are also not a turn-off for me. Flattering frames can be a turn-on, actually. And although I like a guy with some charisma, who is not stumbling and bumbling over every word on a date, a man who will just sit with me in the corner at a party and chat instead of mingling with everyone, is just fine with me.

Some nerds, therefore, I actually find attractive! No shit!

In seventh grade, I did have a little crush on some nerdy, twin, eighth grade boys. They sat at our lunch table. They showed me little to no attention. I don't think I said more than five words to either of them all year. For one, I felt guilty for lusting after boys. However, even if I did want to show them that I liked them, I had no clue how to do so at age thirteen! One might argue that if you like a guy, you should just be proactive, get over your shyness and go for him. But why bother even trying to “get over” your shyness when he isn't paying attention to you, especially if he's chasing a girl who is “prettier” than you? Might as well direct your efforts elsewhere (like your homework) and admire the boy secretly.http://www.blogger.com/img/blank.gif

I do think some nerd men in their mid-late twenties start to get it. I do have nerdy, white girl friends who are dating or are married/engaged to nerdy, white guys. I've gone on dates with nerdy, white, Asian and Latino guys. Despite my “checklist,” most of the guys I know I would happily go on a coffee date with. My checklist is not just to weed out guys I am least likely to like. It's also to narrow the selection to the guys who are least likely to reject me. Anyway, I know plenty of single, nerdy guys that get bitter when they have no luck going beyond the friend zone with the hotties. This they complain about to their single, nerdy, female friends….

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how to be surrounded by beauty

I love beautiful things. Who doesn't, right?

I'm a big Francophile and have a friend who's an Anglophile, and we often discuss how we wished we lived across the Atlantic. Next to my hometown, Paris is my favorite city, and I've been missing it lately. So I was looking at pictures of French-style apartments. Man, they're beautiful.


Ah, Spring. I could just sit and eat here for hours.



I could spend an entire Saturday playing with this "mood board."



And I'm not really a Coco Chanel fan, but her sitting room is the shiz. I think she might become one of my favorite women from history.


Now, I also am a fan of chic, modern interiors along the lines of IKEA.



Still not sure how to reconcile the two in my own apartment. It's looking more IKEA due to my budget! But Amelie's apartment seems like a good mix of what I like in home decor.



As I spent my lunch break looking at beautiful interiors from French and French-ish apartments, I reflected on my online dating struggles. I just don't find many men online attractive...at all. Or I'll find a man who is attractive to me, but then I think, "Oh, he wouldn't like a girl like me." Yes, I should just go for the guy, message him, but I don't. I get one or two messages per week from guys. Usually they're completely not what I want, but once in a while, the profile information looks good. However, I just don't find the man attractive, and I feel guilty, shallow. If the unattractive man wrote a real message to me, I respond anyway, but then end with, "Good luck in your search!" That's my indirect way of saying, "Not interested." On the one hand, beauty is skin deep, personality is more important than looks. So even though I don't like shaved heads, full beards, cornrows, Bob Marley dreads, Coogi, flannel, blonde hair, overweight builds, I try to look past all that when viewing a profile,

But I still like beauty, including beautiful men...

like Johnny Depp. Even with that nasty, cancer-inducing cigarette, which would turn me off "normal" men, he's gorgeous!

Now I know not every man looks like Johnny Depp. It's really not fair to judge normal man's beauty against Johnny, for whom there is no equal. I don't look like a sexpot either, although one person at work calls me, "Halle Berry." It's nice to be called Halle Berry instead of Tia and Tamera for once!

I realize, though, that I need to be honest with myself. I can't help whom I'm attracted to. I keep race, body type, hair color and height open, but now I wonder if maybe I should narrow that too. One of the issues with my last two dates was I really didn't find them that attractive online, but they were "attractive enough." Then there was no spark in real life. I had no desire to rip off their clothes. I thought maybe I should give the guys a second date, maybe the spark would just be delayed...

But then I go to Mass and the young man who gave me Communion set my heart racing after a 2 second interaction. :-P I haven't seen him at Mass since, darnit. It reminded me of what that spark is supposed to feel like. He didn't look like Johnny Depp, by the way, but there was something about the voice, the look, the eyes, the hair, and it was the same combo that has lit my inner "fire" before.

And anyway, I'm not magazine-hot, but I'm not ugly. Why shouldn't I have a man who is beautiful (to me) inside...and out?

What guys should not do online...

D and I had a conversation about this a couple weeks ago. After clicking through too many profiles of men on okcupid and plentyoffish the past few days, I have to vent about some of the wrong things men are doing.

1) Posting pictures of themselves with other girls.
- D told me he did this because he thought that showing him with other girls would make him look like quite a catch. All these other girls like him, so why wouldn't I? When he was getting no attention, he took the pictures of himself with other girls down. Maybe that works with some girls, but when I see a pic of a man surrounded by girls, I think, "Competition." I don't want to share, and I'm not about to compete with pretty girls for a guy.

2) Not smiling in profile pictures.
-Is this supposed to make men look tough, or suave, or manly? It looks scary, cold and unapproachable. I guess some girls are turned on by the, thuggish, "whassup," semi-frowny face. I pass right over that.

3) Topless pics.
-If all you want is sex, then go ahead and post topless pics, because that's all I think you want. Does that actually get guys more attention? From what kind of ladies? I roll my eyes and move on. You think your body is that hot that you need to show it off to the world? Egomaniac.

4) Pictures of themselves in costume, especially a mask.
-What are you hiding? I want to see you! This is especially bad when it's the only picture.

5) Photos with digital effects and none of their real face.
-Are they trying to show off their graphic design skills? I want to see your actual face, not a pixelated version of it.

6) Posting pictures of celebrity lookalikes as the profile pic.
-Why start off lying? What's wrong with your face? Why won't you show it?

7) Trying too hard to sound smart.
-Just talk like yourself, please (although I guess if you're a phD student, perhaps you would be using a lot of big words). Yes some girls and I do want an educated man, but you don't have to show off ALL the multisyllabic words you learned in college. When you're smart, it just comes through naturally, without you trying to sound that way.

8) Saying something like, "Well, I don't know if this'll really work, but I'll give this online thing a shot," or "I'm skeptical about this."
-Some of us do take online dating seriously. This is insulting.

9) Being negative
-"Don't IM me if all you want is sex." "Don't bring your drama." "All the women on online dating are liars." STFU!
*I know I am being negative in this post too, but I'm not saying this on my online dating profile. I do keep it positive there.

10) Being not-specific and saying something like, "anyone can email me if anything in my profile interested you"
-Tell me what you want. Do you want a nerd? A sporty girl? A partier? A drinker? A non-drinker? Religious? Non-religious? No, you don't have to give an entire checklist but give me some idea. I don't want to waste my time composing a message to you if I am nothing like what you want.

"Should I offer my number to a guy?"

Online dating is so tricky.

My policy for giving out numbers to online people is I that I only give it out before we meet. Typically, that's the policy. I tried something different tonight.

I was talking to D, who I have been chatting with for almost a week. He's currently my favorite. We've chatted most days during the past week. Conversations online usually go 45 minutes to an hour. I don't message him when he's online. I let the guys message me. :-P We see eye-to-eye on the kid thing and seem to both be pretty down-to-earth, though he picks on himself a little. The conversations at first were slipping into talking/complaining about our online dating issues, but I tried to turn the conversation to something a little more positive, keep it light. Thankfully, I don't have many bad experiences, so it was easy for me to turn the conversation away from loathing.

I actually initiated contact with D via a wink on okcupid. After the 2nd or 3rd conversation, I said something like "Hopefully we can meet soon..." to which he responded, "for sure." I was a little skeptical, though glad to see some interest on his end. In the past, guys have expressed interest in meeting but it never came to fruition.

After talking to some friends, I wondered if maybe I should be willing to really speak to a guy before meeting. It does make sense to hear his voice, see if you have phone chemistry, before meeting. Perhaps I should be a little less stingy with the number.

I decided this time to offer my number. I had initiated contact, after all, but I was pseudo-assertive. I (honestly) told him I can't guarantee I'll be online a lot this weekend, but I could give him my number if he wanted. He replied that he was not good with the phone, but asked for my email.

Email? WTF?

I gave him my work email address because I forgot my dating address off the top of my head :P. My work email actually has my last name (oops), but I'm just going to trust that he is not someone who'll steal my identity or stalk me.

Well, at least he was honest about not being good with the phone. I'm not either. But geez, I say I wanna meet, I offer my number, isn't that clue enough that I'm interested? In our first conversation, he told me about how no one views his profile or messages him, no one seems to show interest, blah blah blah. Hello? Well, someone "winked" at you. Me!

This is what I get for wanting a less-aggressive, non-alpha male, I guess. Or it's just his nice way of saying he's not so interested after all. But then again, maybe he is still interested and was just being honest, and he actually is much better at email than phone...

Whatever. I'm going on a date with M tomorrow (Friday) night. Just a cafe or bar. M's the one who's interested in salsa. He suggested we go out for drinks casually first before setting up a salsa night, and I was cool with that. Hey, I've NEVER had a date this close to Valentine's Day! New step for me! I initiated contact with M too but he asked for my number first.

Oh D. You were my favorite. Really. But dude, you snooze, you lose.

I'll keep chatting with him and B, but I'm not going to wait forever for them to get the nerve to say, "Let's go out for coffee." I already expressed interest. If they're truly interested but still too insecure to go out for a 45 minute coffee date, oh well.

don't hate the playa, hate the game

Just hours after I posted that B wasn't talking to me, he IM'ed me. :-P Silly me jumping to conclusions, I guess.

So B and I are still talking...just talking...online...after 3 weeks.

He is a really nice guy. The conversation moves easily, and we agree on a lot of things, especially politics. He's also not perverted or only looking for sex. However, I want to move beyond online chatting. I told him I wanted to meet, twice. So I'm not asking again. I've expressed interest. The ball is in his court. I do enjoy talking to him, but I'm not going to nag, because I'm talking to other guys online.

I never told B that I'm talking to more than just him. I feel a little guilty about that. I wonder, "Should I tell him? Is it any of his business how many people I'm talking to in the first place? Should I have told him at the beginning that I'm talking to a few guys online?" I feel a little like a playa.

But it's typical to be talking to a few different people at once online. B and I aren't a couple. We haven't even met in person! So I'm not obligated to talk to him exclusively. It doesn't bug me if he is talking to other women besides me. We're all single and mingling.

Right now, my plan is if he asks, I'll tell him. If he gets mad, I'll apologize for not being clear about that from the beginning. I don't know if that's the best, but it is what it is.

Talking to 3 guys at once has restored my hope in online dating. I was finding nothing, NOTHING on online dating sites. The other two guys, M and D, are knocking B out of the ballpark.

M is a novice dancer and a bit nerdy. He knows of a salsa place near him that has $5 classes. Fun! I told him to send me dates and times. I might have a salsa date with someone whose skills are equal to mine! I don't like salsa-ing with a salsa expert. It's a bit intimidating. I step the wrong way, step on his foot. It'd be nice to bumble and make mistakes with someone else.

D is Christian and childfree! We have only talked once online (Saturday night), but the conversation was good to me. We talked about why we don't want kids, and a little about what we want in a match. He's in his mid-thirties and just realized he doesn't want kids. So I don't think I have to worry about him changing his mind.

M and D are also cuties. ;)

I know there's a chance that these conversations might never go beyond IM'ing and messaging. Still, after a dry spell, I have new hope. There are compatible guys out there for me. I just have to hold on and keep looking.

moving from online to face-to-face

So I think another conversation has bit the dust.

Sunday (or Monday) of this week marked 2 weeks since I started talking to “B” online.

A couple weeks ago, I spent three or so hours on okcupid searching through profiles, clicking through answered questions, skimming photos, and sent winks (with messages) to about six guys. Two days later, I found 3 responses!

Well, the conversation quickly fizzled with two of the guys but B and I were going strong after a week. He actually read my profile and referenced it in the conversation. After a week, our messages went from a few sentences to paragraphs. B apologized for writing so much and I said, "It's okay. I think it's just a sign that we should probably meet in person..."

B said he was interested in meeting, but asked if we could talk for "just a little while longer." Now, he admitted in his profile that he was kind of shy and he stated that he wasn't just into sex. But I didn't want to wait too much longer to meet. No point in talking for a month (or two), building an image of each other based on online messages, then finding no spark in person. However, I agreed to a little while longer but suggested possibly meeting the following week for coffee.

So we talked for a 2nd week and caught each other on chat one night. Good, fun conversation there. He did ask me what I was looking for on okcupid. That question threw me (this is the day after I suggested meeting up). I checked off in my profile "long term or short term dating." Did he miss that? I said something like it was part of my mission to come out of my shell, be more outgoing, meet more people now that my college friends have dispersed.

On Friday of last week, he asked me if there was anything I wanted to ask him. I asked about his living situation, if he had any siblings and what his job was. In his response, he mentioned he was an only child and I said that he was lucky! I said that I'm much older than my siblings and that between helping with them and babysitting, I have changed enough diapers! He said babysitting is good though because it probably prepares you for parenthood and he said he liked kids. He also asked me a pretty deep question: "If you could change anything about the world, what would you change?"

To his parenting comment, I responded, "Well, as I mentioned in my profile, I don't want kids..." Before I answered the deep question, I said, "Well that is definitely a question I could better answer in person! But what first comes to mind is..." He had also asked if there was a better way to talk than messaging (this he asked for the 2nd or 3rd time). I said that if he was indirectly asking for my number, I'll give it when we get ready to meet.

This was over the weekend. Still no word from him. Prior to this, we were responding to each other's emails within 24 hours.

I'm a little bummed...a little. I started thinking about what I might have done wrong. Did the no-kids thing scare him off? Was I too pushy about meeting? Was I being too guarded with my number? Did he think I was only looking for sex because I mentioned meeting after "only" a week (wow, he really doesn't know me...)? Well, he could be real busy. There is a huge snowstorm out there that's messing us all up.

But tonight, I used my computer instead of my phone for the internet, and I saw we were on okcupid at the same time. No message from him.

Perhaps it's for the best. Maybe it's not me. Maybe he's really self-conscious. Maybe there's something he's hiding. It might not be because there's something "wrong" with me.

He wasn't my number one choice in the looks department anyway! :-P

bad advice from good friends

When I started online dating in Summer 2009, I received a variety of advice from co-workers to whom I was perhaps a little too close.

The first guy I spoke with was Derrick. We met on okcupid. We seemed to have a good rapport online. I had some reservations about him, but because he seemed to be an overall good guy, I overlooked the issues. He definitely boosted my ego a bit with all the compliments (though those got a little annoying after awhile, but anyway). I found him funny and a bit quirky.

My coworkers noticed my lighter, happier demeanor and one asked, “Is it a guy?” When I answered in the affirmative, my other two coworkers of course wanted the deets.

The questions began...

“Does he got a job? Apartment? Car? Where does he live?”
“He a mama's boy?”
“Was he in a relationship before? Why did it end?”
“How much money does he make?”
“What's wrong with him? You need to know to see if you can deal with his flaws!”
“What's his social security number?”

Alright. They were joking with the last one.

Now, despite my lack of experience, I figured that early in a relationship, it is best to keep things light. My mother learned in cosmetology school to never talk about politics or religion with her clients. I figured politics, religion and sex were probably no-no's early in the dating process too. I was not about to jump into a philosophical discussion when we knew each other for only one week.

A lot of their questions, I couldn't answer. I knew he had a job, car, and lived with his mother. I was troubled by them telling me to ask about his past relationships and finding out what was “wrong” with him. I did not think his most recent relationship was any of my business. And trying to find out his “bad habits,” his flaws already? After one week?

Well I did eventually ask about his most recent relationship in the nicest, least nosy way I could. He did not say much. I did not press it.

I think my coworkers just wanted to help. Maybe they were living vicariously through me. Maybe these forty-somethings saw me like a daughter and were trying to protect me, or something. But I think my instincts were right all along. I am open to advice, but I now realize that “advice” that works for some might not work for me.

By the way, Derrick and I stopped talking after about three weeks. I was bored with him, honestly. I used my childfreedom as a “get-out-of-jail-free card.” It was not clear in his profile if he wanted kids. When I asked him directly, he said he did and I said I can only be friends with someone who wanted kids. He logged off and did not message me again until 4 months later. C'est la vie.

I am talking to a guy on okcupid again, now. We hit the one week mark and the conversation is still flowing. Hopefully this will not be another Derrick!

okcupid and the single, childfree Catholic

I do not understand how okcupid matches people.

For those unfamiliar with okcupid, it has a feature called “Quiver,” where they send 3 recommended “matches” daily. For the past week, all my quiver matches have been Atheist or Agnostic. I don't know how this happened. Are there only non-religious people on okcupid? Did I not get that memo?

On okcupid, you can answer thousands of multiple choice questions, which supposedly help improve your matches. When I first started, okcupid was matching me with conservative (politically and religiously) Christians who wanted a crapload of kids. You can choose the “importance” of questions, so I started making any question related to liberal politics “mandatory,” to weed out the conservatives. I was successful in that…too successful apparently. I went from conservative Christians to liberal Atheists. I cannot win!

I know I can be a very logical, scientific person, which maybe came through in how I answered questions. Perhaps my “no kids” answers were matching with Atheists and Agnostics who did not want kids (a lot of people who do not want kids are non-religious).

I do not care what religion a match follows as long as he practices something! Despite not having the same religion, I have a lot in common with my non-Christian, religious friends. We take spiritual growth seriously and are active in enhancing our relationship with our Creator. We also see the world and morality similarly. We “get” each other's holy seasons. They get why Lent is important and I get why Ramadan is important, and we truly respect each other. It's not, “Oh, look at those blind, brainwashed sheep, depriving themselves to keep some power-hungry Skydaddy happy, submitting to an imaginary being's will. Why do they try to 'improve themselves' if nothing is ever good enough for their lightning bolt-wielding Zeus, if they are still going to some 'Hell' anyway?”

I have Atheist and Agnostic friends with whom I agree politically and with whom I share a respect of the scientific method. We just don't talk about religion. If my man and I, though, cannot pray together, if he bows his head to please me but doesn't believe ANY of the words I'm praying, that is a serious mismatch.

I guess the algorithms misinterpreted my openness to other religions to mean “non-religious.”

I do try the Match Searches too where I can type in the criteria (religion, distance, no kids, etc), but scrolling through dozens of matches, reading all those profiles, gets tiresome. I thought Quiver was supposed to pick the “cream of the crop,” as it were, so I do not have to spend forever reading dozens of profiles, looking for compatibility. I have messaged guys whom I found this way...but none of them wrote back.

I plan on going back through the “religious” questions to see how I answered. There are thousands of men out there, but okcupid keeps sending me all the mismatches. Some technology.

adventures on plenty of fish

I'm trying to be active on pof.com, but now I'm remembering why I didn't go on that site for several months.

There are no "catches" on plentyoffish. :-P

Seriously, do all guys just click on girls they think look pretty and send them a "wink" (or whatever it's called on pof). Do any guys read the profiles of the women they find attractive?

Once again, I'm receiving a couple messages per day that say, "Hey gorgeous, wanna chat," or something similar. There is no indication that they read my profile at all! No, "Hey, you like dancing. What kinds of dance?" It's like they all just copy and paste a stock message into every message (if they bother to send a message).

One man earlier in the week actually read my profile. But here was the issue. On my profile, I say that I tend to be more outgoing online than in "real life" (though I am less reserved once I get to know someone). I also said that I am not afraid of the "Where do we stand" conversation, so feel free to ask. Dude messaged me and said, "Both of those are red flags, but I'm still interested." The message also stated that basically I would have to prove to him why he should consider me. I don't have the exact message, but that was the gist. He also said I suffer from "online balls." I don't want to try and figure out what that means.

I wrote him back saying, "If introversion and open communication are red flags for you, we don't need to communicate." I then blocked him. Harsh? Perhaps, but telling a woman that two things in her profile are "red flags" is not the way to win her over! I already did my "proving" in the profile. I'm not going to chase any man online.

Another man was not interested in reading my profile, even after I responded to him. He had sent me a "wink" on Sunday. I checked out his profile and he actually looked kind of cute. Most of the guys who message me, I don't find attractive. However, we had nothing in common other that we were both Catholic and liked animals. He was undecided about kids. So I messaged him and asked what it was in my profile he found interesting. He admitted that the wink was really based on appearance. He asked me to instead say 3 "must know things" about myself, but not funny, nice, honest etc. Again, I already wrote my profile. I said, "Well, if you read my profile, you'll see I have a lot going on. I really can't summarize myself in 3 sentences. What are three things you want to know about?"

Haven't heard from him since Tuesday. Don't think I will.

I actually take time to write my profile. I actually spend one-two minutes reading profiles of guys I find interesting. I expect the same courtesy. Read my profile before you message me. Is that really so much to ask?

I've messaged a few guys, but haven't heard back. Such is the game I guess.

Now I'm really starting to think that the guys on pof are just looking for sex. They don't even want to spend the effort reading a couple paragraphs about someone.

I tried the paid websites and got nothing. I refuse to pay any more than I already am for that stupid elove. Other people find "love" for free. Why can't I?

Going...going ...gone!

No, not the virginity.

I am currently crush-less, or perhaps in-between crushes.

I finally found out indirectly that Mark actually plans on having kids someday, or at least assumes it. I never knew for sure. I don't often bring up my childfreedom in casual conversation, especially with people I only see once per month. The crush was waning, but this kills it. Those blinders have fallen off and now I'm seeing all the ways we aren't compatible anyway. If only I knew he wanted kids earlier!

It's always a mix of liberation, boredom and disappointment when a crush terminates. Who can I daydream about in idle moments? Who can I fantasize about when my thoughts wander before bed? I guess I can just daydream about celebrities, but it's not the same.

Yet I also feel “normal” again. When I listen to a love song, I won't imagine a crush singing it to me. When I watch a romantic comedy, I won't imagine myself and the crush in the leading roles.

And my searches on online dating sites, which I've resumed, won't be so half-hearted. I changed to a better picture and already got a few winks and messages, but if it doesn't look like the guy actually read my profile, I ignore the message and block the guy. Cruel? Perhaps, but I actually put a lot of effort in writing my intros. So, if a guy is actually interested, would it kill him to spend a couple minutes reading my spiel? How do I know a guy isn't just winking at everyone and copying and pasting the same message (for example, “Hey, ur beautiful. I like your smile. Let's chat”)? I take time to read profiles. Take time to read mine! It's especially annoying when guys who want kids (or worse, guys who have kids) message me. That further makes me think they didn't even read the basic stuff!

I'm slowly starting to get excited again. In my “real” journal, I've started mapping out a plan for “putting myself out there.” Yes, I'm planning. Yes, I'm being strategic about it. Not just letting it happen or “waiting” for Mr. Right to come to me. When I didn't try, nothing happened. Now I'm trying. Still no relationship, but at least I've dated now. If I didn't do online dating, I'd have no dates at all.

Am I dateable?

For awhile, I've been seeing myself as undateable. I guess it's normal to go through periods of high and low self-image. I wouldn't exactly call it self-hate or a total lack of self-love, more like some sort of acceptance. "Well, I'm not anyone's type, I guess." I have felt like giving up on dating, or at least on trying. I have felt like just "waiting" and "letting it happen" as opposed to being more proactive, like it's a waste of time for me to try dating because no one wants me anyway. I have been feeling like so many of my qualities are unwanted in a date.

Thoughts running through my head: "I'm vegan. Who would want to date someone who can't eat everywhere? Where would we go on dates?" "I don't want kids, ever, and most guys out there want kids. And the ones who don't want kids are all Atheist or non-religious." "I'm sexually inexperienced and won't put out on the third date or whatever that rule is, and every other girl will." "I'm a practicing Catholic, and nobody wants someone religious because he'll think I'm some brainwashed Jesus freak." "I can't tell a guy I have taken bellydance because he'll either think I'm a whore or flighty. How many people think, 'intelligent' when they hear someone is a bellydancer?" "I like reading, but not all kinds of books. A reader won't think I'm intellectual enough." "I like pop music, but an intellectual guy will think I'm mindless and unsophisticated if I say I like pop music." And on and on and on.

But then I remembered that there are millions of guys out there. Millions. And if a guy is my Mr. Right, being vegan, Catholic, a bellydancer, reader, choosy with the cherry, a lover of pop music and childfree won't be a turn-off.

So for the past few days, I've been changing my self-image back to something more positive! True, I'm not every guy's Ms. Right. However, that doesn't mean I'm NOBODY'S Ms. Right. My Mr. Right will have no problem with going to restaurants that have something for me besides a house salad (I don't need to go to an all-veg restaurant, but I don't want only a salad, I mean I didn't get these womanly curves by eating salad my whole life). He won't think less of me if I like pop music and bellydancing. What straight guy wouldn't be turned on by bellydancing? He won't think I'm a total prude if I don't put-out after a few dates. He'll be willing to wait longer. He won't care if I don't like every piece of high literature out there. I like reading classics, but not all of them. He'll respect my religious practices and won't think I'm a mindless sheep, drunk on the opiate of the masses. And perhaps most importantly of all, he'll either be undecided about or totally against having kids someday.

So I'm at least trying to be active again on the dating websites and trying to stay alert, awake for "sightings." I can't just sit around and "wait." That didn't work. Most of my dates have been with men I met online. So I need to be proactive. And I need to remember that though I may not turn every guy on, I'm SOMEONE'S wet dream.

ARGH!!

I try to avoid doing 2 blog posts in a day, but I'm frustrated, and am so close to abandoning this whole dating resolution!

I decided to try the online dating thing again, per the urging of a friend of mine. She recently found a man on okcupid and told me that there are so many nice guys out there! I have to give it another shot!

So the last week or so, I've been on okcupid, mingle2, you and me pure (the virgin website), idonotwantkids.com, and I've come up with a whole lot of nothing. It's the same problem I had before. I can't find good guys who don't want kids. The guys who don't want kids either a) are Atheist/Agnostic or b) really want sex (some moreso than others). Some are even sexual deviants! What's annoying about okcupid is you can't put "doesn't want kids" as a search preference. So I have to read the entire profile and weed through a bunch of answered questions to figure out if they want kids. I guess I could just ask them, but then I'd be messaging dozens of guys daily and they'd all be incompatible anyway. Only 5 virgins are in my state on the virgin site, and the one who really appealed to me wants kids. Mingle2 is a wasteland. They all look shady. I know, don't judge a book by its cover, but that's what you have to do with online dating. Some of the guys on mingle2 even have very suggestive headlines ("looking for someone to go downstairs")

I can't win!

I read quite a few childfree blogs, and a lot of childfree are married. They found someone, why can't I? Is it because I won't put out? Is that what it is? Sometimes I think so. Perhaps it really is too late. Perhaps this whole effort is fruitless.

I didn't try to date and got no boyfriend. Now I have gone on dates with about 6 guys, still no boyfriend. I started making more of an effort at this a year ago. Am I being impatient? I know, if God has a man for me, God will send him (or lead me to him) when the time is right. Despite this ranting, I really do like my current life. I'm just seeing if there's a worthy young man I can share my life with.

Maybe not. Maybe I really am meant to be single. I can live with that, really. I just wish I knew for sure if I am wasting my time "trying."

Three boys? Which to choose?

So after nothing (really) since January, I can potentially have 3 boys to choose from.

I still have an almost-crush on Mark from the Book Club. He's starting to smile and look at me more, which is better than bad, though still neutral. Whenever I speak at the Book Club, he's a captive listener and always responds to me...well okay he responds to everyone. Whenever he talks about a previous meeting, though, he looks at me, though I'm not the only member of the group who went to the previous meeting. Look at me! I'm acting like Anne in Persuasion. Any little gesture or movement makes me go, "Maybe he likes me!" He hasn't asked for my number, made small talk with me after a meeting or facebooked me. He has my first and last name, so if he wanted to track me down, it wouldn't be difficult. I guess he really isn't that into me.

Then there's Kyle, the boring guy from the virgin website. His contact is infrequent and his profile pic is a little unsettling. Not warm and smiley. Very cold and hard. However, he said he'll be in town soon and would like to meet up, and I just can't get the nerve to say, "Uh, I don't want to meet you anymore because you're boring and look kinda scary." I might do the trick of having someone give me an "emergency" call part way into the date. "Sorry Kyle. My best friend is having a boy problems big time. I can't get into details but I need to cut it short and give her a call back." Something like that. He's not on any social network, which makes cyber-stalking difficult. On my google search, I found him on some car forums, that's it. I just want to make sure he isn't a psycho.

Finally, I'm going to try out elove, a local matchmaking service. They called me one night for a phone consultation (I left my contact info at Speed Dating) and I was too tired to just hang up on them and say, "No thanks." However, it sounds like a really thorough company. I set up an appointment for a face-to-face interview, which is supposed to take about 90 minutes. Yeah, hardcore. They do background checks on everyone too. Well, if it's less than $100, I'll try out the service. They claim to have a good success rate. Considering I have made little progress online dating of late, it's worth a shot I suppose. My money might actually go somewhere, unlike the $30 each I wasted on eharmony and match.com.

Be careful what you wish for. I'm most excited about elove. Even if I don't go with the service, it'll be nice to just talk to a "Relationship Specialist" anyway.

Off Track

So I didn't hit my New Years Resolution goal for this month. In all honesty, I didn't try very hard. I didn't follow my own advice of staying active on dating sites. In my defense, I have been busy this month (and just came back from being out of town). I was not in a dating frame of mind. Also, remember, I actually have been doing the online dating thing for seven months, not merely 3. The novelty is wearing off, needless to say.

Online dating has been discouraging. I've met 4 guys and did not go past "dating" with any of them. Most of the guys who message me don't read my profile, and the tone of their messages makes me think they're just looking for a fling. And the current young man I'm talking to, well, I'm just going to stop.

I know, beauty is only skin deep. Inner beauty is more important than outer beauty. However, Kyle has nothing going for him. His personality is blah. He also finally posted a pic of his whole face on the dating site, and his looks are blah. He's kind of scary looking with his lack of a smile, actually. It looked more like a mug shot. I know some guys are too macho, and too cool to smile. I don't like that. I pictured Kyle to be a shy but warm and sweet type, with a slightly scruffy, Johnny Depp-esque sense of style. His picture changes my view of him to a cold, unwelcoming type whose style is "black." He cut his hair too and now has a buzzcut. He had ear-length hair before, which I prefer on guys. He also finally listed his religion as "spiritual but not religious." Eh, I'm not opposed to trying out a "spiritual" man (Nate was Agnostic), but if this is in addition to a boring personality, not interested.

No wonder he's a 28 year old virgin.

Kyle sent me another email Friday, before I went out of town. I'm not going to write back. Yeah, I'm going to "play the game" a bit and not write back to see if that elicits a follow up "how are you, haven't heard from you in a while" email. I'm sure he's not that into me, and the feeling is mutual. Might as well just let the correspondence fade.

I'm not abandoning my resolution. Just because I slip up once is no reason to stop. I need to make it a priority again. Spring Break will provide a good opportunity to do just that.

Weeding out the lames

One of the pros of online dating is you can weed out potential dates who are boring or horndogs. Such is the case lately with the current guy I'm talking to online.

I'm having flirting withdrawl, so I was excited when Kyle messaged me. Kyle is the boy from the "virgin dating" website who messaged me in December. He was eager to talk to with me, and I thought, "Yay, flirting time!"

Flirting is no fun when the flirting is one-sided. Apparently, one of the reasons this young man is a virgin is because he's shy when it comes to women. That's becoming painfully clear in our messages. I'm very good at keeping my messages brief, positive and interesting, leaving opportunities for the man to ask questions. I'll say "I take dance class on the weekends." Therefore, the man should respond, "What sort of dance do you take? How long have you been taking it?" If I say, "you're so sweet," he should reply, "you sound sweet as well." Right?

He's not asking about me at all, writing too-brief messages (last one was 3 sentences long) and is taking more than 24 hours to respond to each email. Red flag! After reading "He's Just Not That Into You," now I don't think a guy is interested in me if it takes more than 24 hours for him to respond to an EMAIL. Is it really that hard to type an email? In a full blown relationship, no, I don't think I'll need my boyfriend to talk to me every day, but early in the courtship, I now know that it's crucial to respond quickly. If a man doesn't, he's not that into me. No matter how busy a man is, if he likes you, he'll find time to communicate with you daily.

So Kyle is not so fun to talk to. He's about 3 hours away from me anyway, and his life does not sound particularly interesting. But I guess it's good I found this out now. Better to discover he's boring now than go on a date with him and discover it later. I'm not chasing this guy, and don't care if the emails cease altogether. I guess I'll just have to find someone else to flirt with.

Will all the virgins please stand up?

Virgins over the age of 22 that is.

Being childfree makes dating difficult. Being a virgin adds even more difficulty to this. Perhaps if I was sexually active, I'd be more flirty and outgoing because I'd be also looking for some physical loving too. That would motivate me to be more active and extroverted in my dating.

Also, nobody wants to date (and therefore, have sex with) a virgin, at least not anybody past high school age. In my lowest moments, I wondered if I should just lose the virginity already and make myself more marketable, as it were. But those moments, thankfully, are brief, and I realize how dumb that sounds. Just eff anybody for the hell of it? What?

Anyway, I'm on a childfree dating website and a "virgins only" dating site. On both sites, there are hardly any men available in my state (in the age range I selected). On the virgin site, two men. On the childfree site, about half a dozen. This is ridiculous. How in the world can I meet someone? Am I really so hard to match?

The glimmer of light is one of the two virgin guys in my state messaged me, in December. I couldn't respond because I wasn't a premium member, and the site's membership upgrade page wasn't working in December. So I couldn't even open the message until tonight. I discovered that the upgrade option works now, so signed up for 3 months. I give the dating sites (that cost money) 3 months to find me someone. Apparently, he doesn't want kids either. Wha? And he's in his late 20's. A self-proclaimed virgin who doesn't want kids? Seriously? He's not the cutest young man. He has an awful outfit in his profile pic. Some tweed jacket that's too big for him and a 40's style hat, like he's trying to be "vintage." But I'm willing to at least talk to him. I don't know if he'll respond. I can't say I would respond to someone who took 2 months to respond to me. But we'll see.

If it's not meant to be, it's not meant to be. However, I am eager to practice my flirting skills with someone, especially after watching some Jane Austen-style flirting on "Pride and Prejudice."

Spoke too soon

Rats.

Previously, I said that I was glad that Steven hadn't called me back, that the disinterest was mutual. Well, see, I gave him my "online dating" email address. I use that address for all my correspondence with online dates and don't check it daily (sometimes just once a week). The other day, I discovered that he had emailed me a few times in the past week. It was mostly interesting or funny things he found online which he thought I would like as well. However, he also asked about hanging out again.

Ugh. I had to go through this in college. I suspected a friend was attracted to me, but I wanted to be friends only. So I treated him more coldly than my other friends so that he wouldn't think I liked him. It didn't work, by the way, and after two months, I told him directly that I wanted to remain friends.

It really isn't my nature to be cold and distant (despite my introversion). I really am a friendly person. So now, I'll be checking myself, making sure I do nothing that can misinterpreted as flirting: control the laughter, avoid body contact, A-hugs, withold compliments, block smiles, cross arms and legs (close the body language, in other words). I have to force myself to be less friendly. He's a nice guy, and I don't want to just blow him off or say, "I don't want to hang out with you because I don't have a crush on you." How rude! Hopefully, he just wants to stay friends too and I'm overreacting. After all, email is so impersonal, especially after we've already exchanged numbers. If he was smitten, he'd call, wouldn't he?

Saying good bye for good

A wise woman (Madea) once said that some people are meant to be in your life for a lifetime and some only for a season. FYI, most people you encounter in your life are "seasonal" people. They are meant to stay just for a little while and teach you some sort of lesson.

A man who proved to be a seasonal person tried to come back into my life.

In August 2009, when I first started my online dating escapades, the first man I talked to consistently was "Derrick." We were really clicking and connecting at first. In hind sight, I realize that all my excitement about Derrick was only because he was the first gentlemanly man I talked to online. Anyway, I was eager to meet him at first, but he was less available than even me. The IM's dragged on for a couple weeks. Over time, however, I grew less interested in him romantically for various reasons, and I became less eager to meet him. He was more interested in me than I was with him. Before our date, I used my childfreedom as a sort of "get out of jail free" card. I asked if he wanted kids someday (it wasn't clear in his profile). When he said "yes," I told him I could only be friends with a man who wanted kids. It wasn't possible to be more than friends.

The daily IM's stopped instantly. In fact, the next day, when I logged on, he logged off right away. It could have been coincidence, but I assumed that it was deliberate. I took him off my "favorites" list. It hurt for a minute that he could be so cold toward me so abruptly, but I really wasn't interested in even being friends with him anymore.

Flash forward to January 2010, and who should IM me? Derrick. Four months of no communication from him whatsoever, and he says, "Hey hey." Thankfully, I was at work and about to start working for real, so I told him I was busy, etc, and logged off. Later on, I logged back in and blocked him.

Some might say my move was harsh. However, after four months of no communication, I assumed he wasn't interested in being "just friends," especially since he was so cold and bitter in our last contact. Either way, it's not a good sign. He's so bad with rejection that it takes him four months to resume talking to someone who friend zones him? Had he tried with someone else, failed, and therefore tried to talk to me again, like a backup plan? I've done a great deal in just four months. I don't need any more needy people in my life. I don't need anyone that emotionally troubled in my circle.