What exactly is a "virgin?"

I've been pondering this a lot lately.  Although I'm still technically a "virgin," I'm not quite as virginal as I was earlier this year...

I had a fling in February, though I didn't know it was a fling.  There were signs along the way that the guy and I were falling into the fling zone, never to leave, but I hoped anyway.  February was A LOT of fun!  March and April were terrible.

Now I have an idea of what it must be like to go through withdrawal from a drug.  Although the guy and I didn't go "all the way," we did visit each others apartments, and clothes kind of just fell off...

Even at "third base," my hormones go nuts!  I read somewhere that the chemicals in the brain that fire while doing cocaine, I believe, also fire during orgasm. Or something. Here's an article about it.  Recovering from a boy is like recovering from a drug!

Anyway, it makes me wonder about the definition of a virgin.  Sure, me and my bestie both have never had vaginal sex, but are we in the same category of "virgin?"  I went from never kissing a guy to third base in one night! Amy isn't even comfortable dancing, just dancing, with a stranger, if he puts his hands anywhere on her abdomen.

It goes to show how labels are not always accurate.

I learned a lot from my experience with the February Fling, more than I could cover in one post.  However, one of my biggest lessons is now I know how far I can go, physically, without attaching to a guy.  I now know, in the future, that I can't even go to third base and then not see a guy ever again. 

There will be no happy-fun-naked times outside the context of a relationship.  No matter how tempting it is to recapture the ecstasy I had in February, I can't go that far without commitment.  The heartbreak aftermath is just not worth it.

Thankfully, the guy I'm "hanging out" with now is truly respectful and interested in me, not my body.  For those of you who are Jane Austen nerds like me, well, in February, I dated Mr. Wickham.  Now, I think I'm hanging with a version of Mr. Darcy!  I don't know if we'll go beyond friends, or go beyond one month, which is my record with any guy.  However, things have not been going the way of Mr. Wickham, and that is a very good thing!

So how do you define "virgin?"

Do I want a husband, or just sex?

I have mentioned before that my best friend, Amy, and I are still virgins. She is gung-ho about holding the cherry hostage until marriage.

Right now, I don’t care if I walk down the aisle de-flowered. I haven’t told Amy that I’m not feeling the “wait ‘til marriage” thing anymore.

Anyway, I think we’ve been having similar feelings lately and are interpreting them in different ways. She longs for marriage, like, right now.

For once, Amy’s been trying harder than me to get a man. Her skirts are a little shorter. She’s actually wearing skirts! And heels! And she is finally moving beyond solid colored cardigans and jeans and no makeup. Now she puts makeup on daily, shows a little cleavage and wears bright colors and patterns.

She even started online dating, two years after me. She gave up after a few weeks, though, when she couldn’t get past the online chatting with any guy.

Whenever she talked to a guy online, she told me about why she thought he might be “the one,” why he might make a good husband.

Yes, Amy flat out told me that she really wants a husband. She also hopes the courtship is brief, perhaps only a few months, just like it was with her virginal parents.

And every single time we hang out now, she talks about the lack of men our age in the place. I sometimes don’t even notice. I’m too busy eating or talking to her or whatever.

If Amy is feeling how I’ve been feeling lately, I wonder if it’s really desire for marriage, or if she is just “in heat?”

One of the many reasons I’ve been less active in dating since Spring is because of my toy. Whenever I get all aflutter, satisfaction is just a flick of the switch away. I know Amy has no “toys” and I’m sure she follows the Catholic rule of not pleasuring yourself either.

I can’t imagine the level of sexual frustration that is still pent up in Amy.

I am talking to new guys in public and occasionally send messages on OkCupid. I do try to stay open and alert for guys who are looking my way. I even talked to a guy in a bar recently!

But my level of desperation is not Amy’s. Marriage is not on the horizon for me, and I’m okay with that.

I mean, I still haven’t even been kissed. Let’s get over that hurdle first!

Follow me on twitter @flamencokitty .

Image: Sharron Goodyear / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

What are good vibrators for virgins?

So I finally have been playing around with my "Stats" tag on blogger. I discovered that quite a bit of you have been visiting my post regarding whether or not a vibrator can de-flower you. Well, if that's what the public wants...

FYI I did also blog about lessons I've learned from the toy, in case you're interested. But I also wanted to share some of the tips I learned about buying a vibrator.

Firstly, you can buy the toys at adult toy shops or online. Online will often have a bigger selection, but I wanted to go in person because I wanted one IMMEDIATELY. My mailbox also isn't secure, and I certainly did not want the package mailed to my mother!

If you're comfortable, you can also ask the salespeople questions, like "How should I clean this?" They won't care how kinky your questions are. Seriously. Look where they work...

Especially if you're a virgin, be conservative with the size you choose for your first toy. Don't get a rabbit, no matter how cool it looks. It'll probably hurt!

For virgins and other vibe beginners, rule of thumb, or maybe rule of fingers, is that whatever vibrator you get should be about the same width as your middle and index finger put together. Kinda like a fat tampon.

"Bullet" type vibrators are usually a good choice for virgins. An adjustable speed is very nice too. If you plan to play in the tub, waterproof ones are available too.

With lubricant, water-based is usually the best option for most materials. Yes, you will need lube. For real. If you aren't sure which to get, ask a salesperson.

Those tips seemed to work well for me, though now I think I am ready to "upgrade..."

Do you have any other tips for toys? Any recommendations? Feel free to share here or tweet me @flamencokitty.

Image: Salvatore Vuono / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Why I can't be a consecrated virgin

Pledge to stay a virgin for life? Are you kidding me?

I came across an article about consecrated virgins from July 2011. It wasn't my first time hearing about these women. A fellow virgin friend of mine told me about them a few years ago. She recommended I consider whether or not God is calling me to the life of a consecrated virgin.

I considered it...for about thirty seconds. No. Thank. You

Now of course, there is always the possibility that I will remain a virgin for life anyway because I have no luck with guys, apparently. Becoming a consecrated virgin also isn't the same as becoming a nun. When you're a nun, you have to go wherever your superiors tell you go and do follow the mission of your order. Consecrated virgins can still live their old life, minus dating.

Still, I don't want to close off possibilities completely! I don't know if I'm being called to a romantic relationship, but I'm not feeling the lifelong, voluntary virginity. What if I finally meet a Mr. Right after "marrying" Jesus? What to do, then?

Besides, although I'm technically a virgin, I have a "toy." I know you don't have to be little Miss Perfect and Pure to be a nun. I've know nuns that have cussed, talked about cute guys and didn't dress like school marms all the time. Still, I would have a really hard time ignoring all my biological urges for life. It's not okay for a consecrated virgin or nun to own an adult toy. Masturbation is a sin in the Catholic Church.

I wish all the consecrated virgins the best. I hope that their relationship with God and Jesus is strengthened because of their choice. However, although consecrated virginity is opening their world, it would close mine.

Image: Sura Nualpradid / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

People have sex before marriage, really?

I hung out with some fellow virgin friends of mine this weekend. Well, I can't say with 100% certainty that they are all virgins because I never asked them, but I suspect they all are. At the very least, they have "virginal" personalities, if that makes sense.

They fit a lot of the stereotypes I think people have of virgins.

One of them made a statement that made my stomach sink. First off, let me mention we're both in our mid-twenties. Even though I'm planning until at least my engagement before I get my cherry popped, I realize that my lifestyle is not the norm. Most people in their mid-twenties are not virgins. So it doesn't surprise me when people my age talk about premarital sex like it's no big deal and don't consider waiting until marriage. I thought all folks in their mid-twenties, virgin or not, knew this.

Well, not one of my virginal friends. She commented on a recent episode of "Glee." I don't watch the show so forgive my vague description. Anyway, she talked about how she was disappointed that the characters were so eager to talk about (and have) sex, and was especially disappointed in how one character was having sex. She didn't think he would do so because he seemed "strong." I guess that means she thought he wasn't the type to give into peer pressure. Even the characters who weren't having sex in that episode talked about having it in the near future. There was no talk about waiting until marriage, and she was saddened about that.

I said nothing, but thought, "For real? This shocks you?" I can't recall any teen sitcom promoting "no sex til marriage." How many teens make that commitment? And how many teens who make those commitments, a la True Love Waits, actually stick by that?

In all honesty, I don't know this girl all that well. She's a mutual friend who I've only hung out with occasionally. Perhaps she's lived a very sheltered life, where the norm amongst her circle of friends or acquaintances was "no sex til marriage." She's a very prayerful person. She's very into praying the Rosary and has a very nun-like spirituality. She likes the traditional Catholic prayers. She also has a very calm demeanor and is uber-humble. I discovered the depths of her humility this weekend, and it's almost unhealthy (Catholic guilt?), but anyway.

It made me wonder if this sort of mindset is actually the norm for virgins, if this stereotype is true. Are most virgins, even ones in their twenties, so naive? They are surprised that mainstream television presents/suggests premarital sex and never throws in the option of abstinence (or at least not in a positive light)?

Maybe I'm the outlier. Truly, though I plan to wait until engagement if not marriage, I really don't think premarital sex is a big deal...necessarily. Not every unmarried non-virgin is premiscuous. Some people are actually responsible and don't have sex outside of long-term relationships. For me, the preference is "not til marriage" because I've seen what drama can enfold once sex comes in, and a lot of that drama can be avoided if people just waited until marriage (and were serious about doing marriage right). There's just too much at stake. Maybe the Church's original reasons for telling people, "not til marriage" were more about subduing women, or demonizing sex, or only focusing on marriage=childrearing, but for me, that's not what it's about (and the Church, I think, is starting to give better reasons now).

But I know other people are on different journeys. So I can't make assumptions about all non-virgins. Maybe they do "get" what sex is about even though they didn't wait.

Three boys? Which to choose?

So after nothing (really) since January, I can potentially have 3 boys to choose from.

I still have an almost-crush on Mark from the Book Club. He's starting to smile and look at me more, which is better than bad, though still neutral. Whenever I speak at the Book Club, he's a captive listener and always responds to me...well okay he responds to everyone. Whenever he talks about a previous meeting, though, he looks at me, though I'm not the only member of the group who went to the previous meeting. Look at me! I'm acting like Anne in Persuasion. Any little gesture or movement makes me go, "Maybe he likes me!" He hasn't asked for my number, made small talk with me after a meeting or facebooked me. He has my first and last name, so if he wanted to track me down, it wouldn't be difficult. I guess he really isn't that into me.

Then there's Kyle, the boring guy from the virgin website. His contact is infrequent and his profile pic is a little unsettling. Not warm and smiley. Very cold and hard. However, he said he'll be in town soon and would like to meet up, and I just can't get the nerve to say, "Uh, I don't want to meet you anymore because you're boring and look kinda scary." I might do the trick of having someone give me an "emergency" call part way into the date. "Sorry Kyle. My best friend is having a boy problems big time. I can't get into details but I need to cut it short and give her a call back." Something like that. He's not on any social network, which makes cyber-stalking difficult. On my google search, I found him on some car forums, that's it. I just want to make sure he isn't a psycho.

Finally, I'm going to try out elove, a local matchmaking service. They called me one night for a phone consultation (I left my contact info at Speed Dating) and I was too tired to just hang up on them and say, "No thanks." However, it sounds like a really thorough company. I set up an appointment for a face-to-face interview, which is supposed to take about 90 minutes. Yeah, hardcore. They do background checks on everyone too. Well, if it's less than $100, I'll try out the service. They claim to have a good success rate. Considering I have made little progress online dating of late, it's worth a shot I suppose. My money might actually go somewhere, unlike the $30 each I wasted on eharmony and match.com.

Be careful what you wish for. I'm most excited about elove. Even if I don't go with the service, it'll be nice to just talk to a "Relationship Specialist" anyway.

Weeding out the lames

One of the pros of online dating is you can weed out potential dates who are boring or horndogs. Such is the case lately with the current guy I'm talking to online.

I'm having flirting withdrawl, so I was excited when Kyle messaged me. Kyle is the boy from the "virgin dating" website who messaged me in December. He was eager to talk to with me, and I thought, "Yay, flirting time!"

Flirting is no fun when the flirting is one-sided. Apparently, one of the reasons this young man is a virgin is because he's shy when it comes to women. That's becoming painfully clear in our messages. I'm very good at keeping my messages brief, positive and interesting, leaving opportunities for the man to ask questions. I'll say "I take dance class on the weekends." Therefore, the man should respond, "What sort of dance do you take? How long have you been taking it?" If I say, "you're so sweet," he should reply, "you sound sweet as well." Right?

He's not asking about me at all, writing too-brief messages (last one was 3 sentences long) and is taking more than 24 hours to respond to each email. Red flag! After reading "He's Just Not That Into You," now I don't think a guy is interested in me if it takes more than 24 hours for him to respond to an EMAIL. Is it really that hard to type an email? In a full blown relationship, no, I don't think I'll need my boyfriend to talk to me every day, but early in the courtship, I now know that it's crucial to respond quickly. If a man doesn't, he's not that into me. No matter how busy a man is, if he likes you, he'll find time to communicate with you daily.

So Kyle is not so fun to talk to. He's about 3 hours away from me anyway, and his life does not sound particularly interesting. But I guess it's good I found this out now. Better to discover he's boring now than go on a date with him and discover it later. I'm not chasing this guy, and don't care if the emails cease altogether. I guess I'll just have to find someone else to flirt with.

Will all the virgins please stand up?

Virgins over the age of 22 that is.

Being childfree makes dating difficult. Being a virgin adds even more difficulty to this. Perhaps if I was sexually active, I'd be more flirty and outgoing because I'd be also looking for some physical loving too. That would motivate me to be more active and extroverted in my dating.

Also, nobody wants to date (and therefore, have sex with) a virgin, at least not anybody past high school age. In my lowest moments, I wondered if I should just lose the virginity already and make myself more marketable, as it were. But those moments, thankfully, are brief, and I realize how dumb that sounds. Just eff anybody for the hell of it? What?

Anyway, I'm on a childfree dating website and a "virgins only" dating site. On both sites, there are hardly any men available in my state (in the age range I selected). On the virgin site, two men. On the childfree site, about half a dozen. This is ridiculous. How in the world can I meet someone? Am I really so hard to match?

The glimmer of light is one of the two virgin guys in my state messaged me, in December. I couldn't respond because I wasn't a premium member, and the site's membership upgrade page wasn't working in December. So I couldn't even open the message until tonight. I discovered that the upgrade option works now, so signed up for 3 months. I give the dating sites (that cost money) 3 months to find me someone. Apparently, he doesn't want kids either. Wha? And he's in his late 20's. A self-proclaimed virgin who doesn't want kids? Seriously? He's not the cutest young man. He has an awful outfit in his profile pic. Some tweed jacket that's too big for him and a 40's style hat, like he's trying to be "vintage." But I'm willing to at least talk to him. I don't know if he'll respond. I can't say I would respond to someone who took 2 months to respond to me. But we'll see.

If it's not meant to be, it's not meant to be. However, I am eager to practice my flirting skills with someone, especially after watching some Jane Austen-style flirting on "Pride and Prejudice."

Inspiration-"Am I old enough for sex?"

The inspiration for this blog came from a recent post I made on Yahoo! Answers. Apparently, I convinced a girl to save herself for marriage. Truly, I was not trying to impose my beliefs on her! She was a virgin in a conundrum, and I thought she would benefit from my insight. Lo and behold, she chose my answer as the best answer. And I thought, hey, maybe this is what other virgins and shy, under-experienced non-virgins need. Maybe they could use an anonymous friend who is going through what they're going through, and maybe that friend could be me (and whoever else I can sucker into following my blog).

So here's the question and the answer that brought about this blog:

How old should you be to have sex?? Really old or really young?? I'm getting ready to have it and I want to know if it's the right choice!?! I am 20 years old.

I don't think there's a specific age. However, I don't think you should do it because you "feel" ready or think you're "old enough." Feelings are fleeting, and just because you want something doesn't mean you should have it (think chocolate and french fries).

As others have stated, you have to be ready to handle the potential consequences of sex. Have you looked into the different forms of contraception? Also, just because you have sex with a guy doesn't mean you'll get married. Clearly, you don't want to have sex with just anyone. Because you've waited so long, do you think you could handle breaking up with a man after having sex with him?

I'm also a virgin (and older than you!) for religious reasons, but I do know that the first time can really hurt for women. There could be bleeding, soreness, etc. Assuming you have a boyfriend already, is he worth the initial pain? Are you willing to let him break you in knowing it'll get better later?

If you've really thought thoroughly about all this and you're in a committed relationship, then it sounds like you're ready. If this is a "I like him, he likes me, we're in heat, I'm sick of waiting, let's go already" kind of thing, I think you need to keep your pants on and do some thinking first! I think you also should have had a conversation about his sexual history first and find out if he's clean of STD's.