Do I want a husband, or just sex?

I have mentioned before that my best friend, Amy, and I are still virgins. She is gung-ho about holding the cherry hostage until marriage.

Right now, I don’t care if I walk down the aisle de-flowered. I haven’t told Amy that I’m not feeling the “wait ‘til marriage” thing anymore.

Anyway, I think we’ve been having similar feelings lately and are interpreting them in different ways. She longs for marriage, like, right now.

For once, Amy’s been trying harder than me to get a man. Her skirts are a little shorter. She’s actually wearing skirts! And heels! And she is finally moving beyond solid colored cardigans and jeans and no makeup. Now she puts makeup on daily, shows a little cleavage and wears bright colors and patterns.

She even started online dating, two years after me. She gave up after a few weeks, though, when she couldn’t get past the online chatting with any guy.

Whenever she talked to a guy online, she told me about why she thought he might be “the one,” why he might make a good husband.

Yes, Amy flat out told me that she really wants a husband. She also hopes the courtship is brief, perhaps only a few months, just like it was with her virginal parents.

And every single time we hang out now, she talks about the lack of men our age in the place. I sometimes don’t even notice. I’m too busy eating or talking to her or whatever.

If Amy is feeling how I’ve been feeling lately, I wonder if it’s really desire for marriage, or if she is just “in heat?”

One of the many reasons I’ve been less active in dating since Spring is because of my toy. Whenever I get all aflutter, satisfaction is just a flick of the switch away. I know Amy has no “toys” and I’m sure she follows the Catholic rule of not pleasuring yourself either.

I can’t imagine the level of sexual frustration that is still pent up in Amy.

I am talking to new guys in public and occasionally send messages on OkCupid. I do try to stay open and alert for guys who are looking my way. I even talked to a guy in a bar recently!

But my level of desperation is not Amy’s. Marriage is not on the horizon for me, and I’m okay with that.

I mean, I still haven’t even been kissed. Let’s get over that hurdle first!

Follow me on twitter @flamencokitty .

Image: Sharron Goodyear / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

What are good vibrators for virgins?

So I finally have been playing around with my "Stats" tag on blogger. I discovered that quite a bit of you have been visiting my post regarding whether or not a vibrator can de-flower you. Well, if that's what the public wants...

FYI I did also blog about lessons I've learned from the toy, in case you're interested. But I also wanted to share some of the tips I learned about buying a vibrator.

Firstly, you can buy the toys at adult toy shops or online. Online will often have a bigger selection, but I wanted to go in person because I wanted one IMMEDIATELY. My mailbox also isn't secure, and I certainly did not want the package mailed to my mother!

If you're comfortable, you can also ask the salespeople questions, like "How should I clean this?" They won't care how kinky your questions are. Seriously. Look where they work...

Especially if you're a virgin, be conservative with the size you choose for your first toy. Don't get a rabbit, no matter how cool it looks. It'll probably hurt!

For virgins and other vibe beginners, rule of thumb, or maybe rule of fingers, is that whatever vibrator you get should be about the same width as your middle and index finger put together. Kinda like a fat tampon.

"Bullet" type vibrators are usually a good choice for virgins. An adjustable speed is very nice too. If you plan to play in the tub, waterproof ones are available too.

With lubricant, water-based is usually the best option for most materials. Yes, you will need lube. For real. If you aren't sure which to get, ask a salesperson.

Those tips seemed to work well for me, though now I think I am ready to "upgrade..."

Do you have any other tips for toys? Any recommendations? Feel free to share here or tweet me @flamencokitty.

Image: Salvatore Vuono / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

How to (indirectly) let him know he isn't getting any...

In hindsight, I have realized that some of the men I dated might have been expecting something to happen after the date. They asked, "So, you up for anything else?" "You want a ride home? (after the first date)" "You wanna go anywhere else." I, of course said, "No," but later thought, "Wait, what were they really asking for?" I know I didn't give off much (if any) "Take me now," body signals. I never discuss sex on dates.

Now, however, I've figured out a few ways to let the guys indirectly know that nothing is happening after the date, in case they couldn't figure it out by our lack of sex talk and me only hugging them after the date.

1) Put a time limit on the date-I tell guys when we're setting up the date that I will only have 45 minutes to an hour.

2) Schedule dates in the afternoon or early evening-Apparently, if the date is after sundown, some guys seem to assume the date is going to go all night. Schedule it early!

3) Have a lie ready, especially if you have to meet after dark-Of course, if he's nosy and asks what you have going on after the date, you could be honest and say, "Oh, I'm just tired," or "Oh I need some me-time," as "None of your business" is probably too mean. :-P However, implying that you'll be home alone might leave the door open for him to pester you and say, "Well, do you want a little company?..." I always have a stock lie ready (which I have yet to use): my neighbor is having a girls-night-in at her apartment.

4) Have your own way to get home-It seems some guys think of a ride home as a down payment for action. Is that some "game" thing? If you offer a girl for a ride and she says "Yes," that means she wants you to come to her apartment? I don't know all the "rules." If I wanted him to come upstairs, I wouldn't have waited until the car ride to tell him so!

Whenever I have put a limit on the date and scheduled the dates by day, I never had a slightly awkward, "So, you wanna do anything else," conversation. But even the guys who were hoping for some action on date one seem to get it after date two, and I never hear from them again (thankfully).

what's so great about being a virgin?

Valentine's Day was good for me. I didn't wallow in bitterness and jealousy. I didn't cringe when I saw couples walking together. Currently, I'm in a positive place and feel like life is going well overall. Plus, I spent last night with one of my best friends and hung out with some of my favorite family members over the weekend. I felt the love. So instead of dreading Valentine's Day, forcing myself to bring out heart decorations from the bottom of storage, I was excited. The sight of heart dish towels and placemats uplifted me. I think I'll keep the placemats on the table for a few weeks, just to brighten the gray winter days.

And I didn't feel ashamed or embarrassed or stressed about being a virgin, for once. I've been regretting it lately, but not now.

So I decided to brainstorm a list of the positives about being a virgin.

1) I'm not pregnant.
1b) Therefore, I don't have a child.
2) I don't have an STD (or AIDS).
3) I don't have HPV.
4) I've never had bad sex.
5) I've never had an abortion.
5b) I've never had to give up a baby for adoption.
6) I've never had an allergic reaction to latex...I'm not allergic anyway, so I guess that doesn't count.
7) No baby-daddy drama.
8) I don't have to take birth control pills.
9) I never had to clean-up post-deflowering blood on sheets.
10) I never had to walk around sore all day following a de-flowering.
11) I never had to indulge anyone's strange fetish.
12) I've never had to fake an orgasm. I'm a bad liar. How would I do that?
13) I've never had a man look at my naked body critically.
14) No one has ever criticized my skills in bed.

There are other spiritual and psychological benefits, but it's late and I'm stopping here. :P

"If I use a vibrator, am I still a virgin?"

Reason number 537 why we need sex education in schools!

I googled "vibrators for virgins," seeing if there was some sort of list or recommendations for vibrators for virgins. A couple forums popped up and one adult toy website gave a sort of buyer's guide. It's rather overwhelming the choices that are out there. Wow. And some are over $100? And there are further accessories you need, and they are made of different materials...

But actually, what kept popping up more often than adult toy shops were forums of girls asking, "Is it okay for virgins to use vibrators? Am I still a virgin if I use a vibrator?"

Pardon my virginal ignorance of all things sexual, but I thought coitus involved more than one person?...

Well, 15-year-old girls asking if a vibrator can deflower them I guess isn't so surprising. What was more disturbing were some of the answers they received.

"No. If you insert anything inside you, you aren't a virgin."
"Well, if you just use it outside and not put it in, then I guess you're still a virgin."
"No because vibrators can break a hymen and if you break your hymen, you're not a virgin."
"Well, if you use a vibrator, and it doesn't break the hymen, you're still a virgin."
"You shouldn't get a vibrator. You should wait until you're married and have sex with your husband. Don't put plastic inside you first!"

Is the virginity of teenage boys questioned like this when they start self-stimulating? Why is it such a dilemma for teenage girls? Actually, I can think of some reasons why: women being the keepers of purity, sexuality being a dirty thing for women (you can't be the Madonna and a "whore"), etc.

I can't believe people (people who live in the "educated," industrialized world anyway) still use the hymen as the test for virginity. It can break if a girl has a bad fall or goes horseback riding! I don't know the percentage, but many girls/women have no hymen when they initiate sex.

Thankfully, there were some people who said, "Sex means more than one person," and who clarified the deal with the hymen. There is such a stigma around toys for women. It's hard enough saying no to sex until marriage. Now women are made to feel guilty for a vibrator? We aren't allowed to know anything about our sexuality until the wedding night?

Now I already know that the Catholic Church says, "No," to masturbation because there is no possibility for procreation. Sex has to be open to kids in order to be valid, legal sex.

It can't only be for kids, by the way. It's also the closest a human can come to physically experiencing God's love and seals the "covenant," the love of the wife and husband. So having un-fun sex is not good either.

I get why the Church says it, though I don't fully agree with it. My thing is, if self-stimulating keeps a person from engaging in unsafe sex, isn't that preferable? And if you already know what pleases you, doesn't that help the sexual aspect of the relationship?

Anyway, it just further shows why we need to get information out there, particularly to young people. Otherwise, a lot of misinformation and needless guilt fly around. The ignorance just spreads like weeds.

Follow me on twitter @flamencokitty

Why choose virginity?

I usually avoid two posts in a day, but today I was reading about stay-at-home daughters and Purity Balls. I thought, "These people are nuts!"

But when I said, as a teenager, "I'm going to be a virgin until marriage," it put me in solidarity with these crazies.

When I think back on why I chose virginity in adolescence, though, I realize that despite being connected with these loons, I wasn't exactly like them. Firstly, I was able to choose it. Stay-at-home daughters don't choose their destiny or how to explore their sexuality. They go straight from home to husband, with no time on their own to even think about getting their cherries popped.

I thought about conversations I had with my mother. Of course, she encouraged me to wait until marriage (she only had one partner before my father, her husband), but she still said, "If you do have sex before marriage, use protection!" So there was never pressure from my mom to stay a virgin "or else." It wasn't so much about being pure because God says that's what purity is (even though that became part of it for me). It was more about protection of my body, heart and soul. Protection of the body from pregnancy and STD's, protection of the heart and soul from the heartbreak of breaking up with someone to whom you lost your virginity. Meanwhile, my dad said, "No dating until you're 16!" I was a little too obedient to that! But he said it was because teenage boys were immature and only interested in sex. I went to an all-girls high school so I don't know if that was true for every teenage boy, but the junior high boys sure seemed that way...

I think there's a difference between telling your daughter to be a virgin to please God and telling your daughter to be a virgin to protect herself. I guess both can be problematic, but at least in the latter it's more about your daughter, not rules. My parents taught me that I shouldn't give it up to a guy that didn't deserve me. My mom told me over and over, "your body is a temple, and was only designed for a king." That statement can be problematic too. I think my body is not just designed for a man's pleasure. But again, that statement is taken out of the context of a discussion of how wonderful a person I am, how precious my body is, and how I shouldn't just throw it around at any guy who flirts with me.

And I never thought for a second that abstinence-only education should be taught in public schools! I went to public schools through junior high. In the late 90's, we learned about abstinence and contraception. I liked that the best protection against pregnancy and STD's was just to not have sex. Obvious, straightforward, and you don't have to worry about taking pills or fiddling with condoms or getting tested...protected sex seemed like such a hassle. Get to the fun already!

Again, my stance is in transition. I don't want to have an oppressive definition of femininity or female sexuality. As a teenager, I didn't feel like I was missing out or that virginity was holding me back from living a full life. My early twenties were quite full and amazing, even without a boyfriend!

But now I do feel like I'm missing out. Now, I feel it's a lie to say being a virgin is still liberating or empowering me, helping me live a full life. Now, something's missing...

And I definitely don't want to be mistaken for the SAHD's or Purity Ball people! But if people still talk to me like someone who's had sex, I guess I'm not as loony as the fundamentalists.

peer pressure and virginity

Lately, I've been going back and forth between whether or not to stay a virgin until marriage, or even engagement. It didn't seem so naive when I was 18. However, I'm approaching my late twenties this month. It's making less sense now. Recent conversations continue to challenge me.

Very few of my friends and acquaintances know I'm still a virgin. So they speak to me as if I'm sexually active. Last week, a friend of mine posted a facebook status saying, "No sex for you haha." I think that was aimed at a former lover of hers. In a moment of sexual frustration, I replied, "You just had to bring that up," to which she responded, "You better get some!"

Today, while knocking on doors and encouraging people to vote, my partner, a 21 year old man (and a new dad, who is not with the baby mama), said, "You need to get some penis!" I laughed and said, "Maybe." I didn't reveal my virginity to him, but I did reveal that I never had a boyfriend. During our conversation about all things dating-related, he asked if I ever did booty calls or one night stands. I said that I didn't, and he said, "Oh, you're very careful with your partners." I replied, "Yeah, I am." It's true, I am careful, hence my lack of partners!

In high school, I had no problem ignoring media messages about sex. I didn't feel pressure from many peers, but the little I did encounter I brushed off, no problem. I didn't really have a sex drive back then. Even when I crushed on a guy, I didn't consider swaying from my position. Now, when I look around at my friends, I can't help but think, "Am I the stupid one?" Even most of my good, unmarried Christian friends are sexually active. I don't think they're bigger "sinners" or "less pure" than me. In fact, in another conversation with the 21 year old about religion, I said, "If you don't smoke, drink or cuss but are mean to others, that doesn't make you a good Christian. It’s about how you treat other people. It's not about trying to be pure or follow some set of rules. It's about being whole."

After I said that, though, I (internally) put the mirror on myself. Am I also trying to fit some warped idea of purity? Does being a virgin really make me "whole?" Does that really make me a better Christian? I did agree with the young man when he said, “You women have biological needs, right?”

I'm just glad this is all hypothetical thinking. Even if I don't stick to the virgin-til-engagement thing, though, today's conversations with the 21 year old showed me that I won't just give it up to anyone. I will choose a quality man. Even if we don't stay together, I won't regret it...well, unless he's even worse than me in bed!

"Should I stay a virgin until marriage?"

The other night, some non-virgins (who were unaware of my virginity) and I conversed about our love issues, and this question has been front and center for me ever since.

Two of the women were in their forties, one of whom divorced her husband of sixteen years a while back. They mentioned that for them, sexual compatibility was the most important part of relationships. If compatibility were a “pie chart” (as one of them said, and I think the pun was intended), sex took up at least 60% of the pie. The other woman said close to 75%. Now, these are just two women. It made me wonder, though, is this true for most people? They said that from sex comes all else in the relationship, it’s the foundation and glue.

Then where does that leave me? I plan to eliminate the “most important” part of the relationship until marriage (or at least engagement). Is it ridiculous to expect a man to decide to marry me before he sleeps with me? What about me? What if I’m stuck with a man who doesn’t turn me on in bed, until death do us part?

My inner feminist also wondered about the logic behind virginity. Am I just feeding into some idea that for a woman to be “virtuous,” she has to suppress her sexuality? Sexuality, in many ways, gives women a power over men they might not otherwise have. Our sexuality can liberate us. Is virginity really just another way of holding us back?

I don’t feel totally suppressed, at least not always. I took bellydance after all (and might again as my New Year’s Resolution). I’m seldom uncomfortable in conversations about sex. I’ve gone to a sex toy party. I’m not afraid to show some skin. I also know that if I were to have premarital sex, God would forgive me because God is all-forgiving. However, could I forgive myself?

My friend Amy and I have both decided to wait on sex until marriage. We’re like each other’s role models, and if I have premarital sex, I feel like I’ll be letting her down. This is something we’ve been struggling together with since high school. It’s one of the things we bond over. Amy might have no virgin friends left if I leave the V-club. I think that’s one of the main things keeping me a virgin. I don’t want to abandon Amy.

But that night, amongst those women, I felt like a naive little girl. I don’t want a puppy love, kid relationship. I want to be treated like a woman, and that might mean sex.

I’m still not giving the “cookie” to just anyone. If a man and I are in a committed relationship, if it might be going somewhere, maybe I’ll loosen up my stance. I have a right to be picky, but I also have a right to ecstasy.

Taking back our dignity...really?

One of the nun blogs to which I subscribe linked to a website called, "Demand Your Dignity," in honor of today's feast day, which is the feast day of a virgin martyr. FYI, in the Catholic Church, a feast day is the anniversary of the date a saint died.

On the one hand, I think it's totally cool for a nun to link to a somewhat edgy site like this. That ups her coolness and realness to me. I do appreciate that it's a site created by "real men," trying to get the message out there that not all men care about how a woman looks or whether or not she is sexually desirable. They encourage women to demand respect and equality from men in relationships. I have only read a couple articles on the site, but I did enjoyr the "Pressure Against Virgins" article, which argues against the idea that virgins should "downplay their virginity" in relationships. They also link to unknown clothing designers who donate part of their profits to needy organizations and design cute, modest clothes, such as Christa Taylor.

The modesty argument doesn't sit well with me 100% however. I agree that how you dress affects how people see you. Everyone should think about how they dress and what image they want to present to the world. If I'm on a job interview, I shouldn't wear jeans, a t-shirt and gym shoes. If I go to a formal party, I probably shouldn't wear jeans to that either. Different situations call for different "uniforms." I also agree that if you don't want men to look at your large chest, your probably shouldn't wear tight, low-cut clothes. If you don't want men to stare at your butt all night, don't wear tight pants.

However, men need to get their acts together too and learn to control their eyes. I shouldn't have to walk around in a burka all day just because some man can't help staring at me. I've gone to the laundromat in jogging pants and a t-shirt and STILL had men try to flirt with me. No joke. I've been completely covered in a winter coat and men have still said, "Hey baby," to me. It's not just that women are being "too revealing" in their clothing choices. Really, either way, whether I'm dressing like a hoochie to get male attention or dressing like a missionary to avoid their attention, I'm worrying about what men think. So the problem still remains.

It's also one of the things people say to women girls to help them avoid getting raped, i.e. "If you dress like a ho, you have a higher chance of being raped."

Perhaps these men who created demand your dignity dot com also need to make a website for their fellow men telling them, "It doesn't matter what a woman is wearing. You have NO right to stare at her."

you go Offbeat Bride!

I like the wedding blog, Offbeat Bride, although I am no where near planning a wedding. I'm still working on finding dates! It's just inspirational seeing people do what THEY want to do, regardless of what society (and the wedding industry) says a wedding should be.

Recently, they had a post about losing your virginity on your wedding night. Some of the advice goes against what Catholics are "supposed" to do (or rather, not do :-P), but I still thought the advice as well as the comments that followed made good points. I particularly liked how they said you shouldn't leave your pleasure completely in the hands of your partner. Communicate!

Personally, although I used to say I would wait until "the wedding night," I'm not so sure about that now. Firstly, not all virgins feel like sex after all the craziness of the wedding day, so I might be exhausted too. Also, I don't know if I want to be bumbling and fumbling so much on the wedding night or the honeymoon. I might amend that goal of mine to "wait until we move in together." No, I'm not saying I want to cohabitate pre-engagement. But seriously, if we move in together a week or so before the wedding day, does it really matter if we wait until the proverbial wedding night? Now we're supposed to wait one or two weeks AFTER we move in to hook up? I mean, really. Is that a reasonable expectation?

I don't know, but it looks like I have quite a while before I have to worry about that anyway!

How NOT to be a prude virgin

Virgins are often stereotyped as prude, ashamed of their bodies and shy. Most of the world (virgins included) think one needs to have sex in order to have a sexuality. However, a woman can celebrate her womanhood in healthy ways, even if she's a virgin.

I know the idea of a virgin who loves her body and has a sexuality might not make sense. For instance, in Latino culture, there is the idea that a woman can either be a "Madonna" (virgin) or a "whore." There is no in-between. You are either pure or slutty. This Madonna/whore dichotomy I think exists in many cultures, though perhaps it is most pronounced in Latino culture.

Anyway, now when I tell people I'm a virgin, they are shocked. Perhaps it's because I'm so old to still be a virgin, but I'd like to think it's because I'm not a total prude. ;-) Based on my experience (and also including advice from my friends), here are ways I've found a virgin woman can still have a sexuality.

1) Join a bellydance class- Contrary to popular belief, bellydance is not inherently exotic stripperdance. It's a safe, fun way to move your body in a manner that is very natural to women. The sisterhood that permeates bellydance classes is also infectious.

2) Buy sexy, matching underwear- Wearing sexy underwear makes you feel sexier. Even if no one will see it but you, it is cool to see your body in a sexy panty and bra set. It also helps one feel sexier when buried under layers of sweaters during winter.

3) Go to a "Surprise Party" once- Surprise Parties (and the like) are basically grown up "tupperware" parties. I was slightly uncomfortable at first, but in the end, I found it to be quite educational. Also, the party was not promoting promiscuous sexual behavior. The emphasis was on enhancing the romance in your relationship. It's a fun girls night out.

4) Have a makeover party-If going to a sex toy party is too much (or too "sinful") for you, a tamer girls night out/girls day would be painting your nails with your girlfriends. It taps into your inner five year old, playing dress-up, making yourself even prettier.

5) Take a burlesque class or pole dancing class-OK, a bit ago, I indirectly criticized stripping by saying that bellydance is not exotic stripperdance. However, on a trip to Montreal, I happened upon an outdoor burlesque lesson at a street fest. FYI, the teacher did not strip down all the way during the lesson! Once again though, it's just plain fun! It's about being flirty and emphasizing/celebrating your best assets, so to speak. I am determined to take a burlesque workshop. You don't strip all the way in burlesque classes, by the way. Also, similar to bellydance, pole dancing provides a workout that includes womanly moves. You can get in shape without making your body "manly," meaning too much muscle and not enough curves.

6) Show off when you go out- Great calves? Wear a skirt that shows them off. Beautiful eyes? Find a complimentary eyeshadow color to draw attention to them. Got a nice pair of girls? Wear a v-neck. I used to be afraid of showing any part of my chest, until my mom once said from outside the dressing room, "You can't help what God gave you!" I was 17 at the time, and it changed how I shopped for clothes. If you can't hide it, might as well embellish it.

7) See the "Vagina Monologues"-Yes, some of the women in the monologues didn't feel sexy until someone had sex with them, but overall, the message is about loving your body, loving your self, and not being ashamed of your vagina/sexuality. Plus, proceeds from the monologues always benefit a good cause related to helping abused and oppressed women.

Body Image, Self Esteem and Virginity

One stereotype I've heard about virgins is that virgins are virgins because we don't think we're attractive or "eff"-able (to put it politely). Well, I don't think that my body is hideous, but I pondered this as I read a friend of mine's blog. She talked a little about how she struggled with self-body-hate. Upon becoming sexually active, though, her insecurities about one particular part of her body were gone. It took sex for her to get over (or at least begin getting over) hating her body. Whoa. An extreme solution to a solve-able problem, I think! Although, I guess some wouldn't think sex is such an extreme solution. Rather, some might argue that's the natural, normal solution to low body image.

Then why have I met so many sexually active women who are still insecure about their bodies? Who freak out at the thought of baring their belly to strangers (which I've done as a bellydancer)? Who are shy about trying on a corset at a female-only party? If you have low self esteem before sex, you'll probably have low self esteem after it too, apparently. I think your perception of your beauty, your love for your body, should come from within and not be based on whether or not others want to have sex with you. But I guess that's yet another reason why I'm (still) a virgin. I don't need a guy to fondle me to feel sexy or beautiful.

I tried to find some studies which researched self esteem (or body image) and virginity. Now that I'm no longer a student, access to scholarly articles is difficult. I only found two studies. However, both yielded results which question the idea that virgins have low self esteem or hate their bodies. This excerpt suggested that there was no significant difference in the level of self esteem between sexually active adolescent girls and non sexually active girls. This study, however, basically said the lower the self esteem of younger teenage girls, the more likely they were to become sexually active early. So girls with higher self esteem initiated intercourse later.

By the way, it was the opposite with boys. High self esteem in boys led to earlier initiation of coitus. Perhaps this view of virgins as having low self esteem is based on the male experience, then? Once again, female experience is based on the male experience, but I'll leave that rant to another feminist who can speak to that more precisely than me.

Anyway, contradictory results? Maybe, but based on these two results, I conclude that virgin females, particularly older ones, have either the same amount of self esteem or more compared to the mean self esteem of their nonvirgin peers. So no, we don't think lower of ourselves than the nonvirgins think of themselves. There is more than one reason why virgins remain virgins. Sure, some hate their bodies or don't think their preferred sex will find them sexy. Some just never had the chance. Some are virgins for religious reasons. Some just have a low sex drive. Some are fearful of STD's or pregnancy. Some already feel attractive and don't need external affirmation. Some already have enough body "fun" without the assistance of a partner.

Once again, I'm glad to be in the place I'm in regarding my self esteem and body image. I'm happy I love my body. I don't always like it, and I know it's imperfect, but I love it.

Do what's best for you-part two

There actually wasn't going to be a part two, but events today further confirmed this new mantra of mine.

Since Nate, there has been no man who's piqued my interest. I went on a date with Steven in January, and though the date was not bad, there was mutual disinterest, thankfully.

As usual, I started to get fatalistic again, as in "Well, I guess there is no guy for me after all. I should just give up this fruitless endeavor and go on with my single life." I was starting to feel silly for even trying to date. I'm a perpetually single virgin in my mid-twenties after all. How good are my chances of getting a boyfriend, really?

Today I was reminded of the phrase, "there're other fish in the sea." I'm altering my resolution somewhat. I said I'd go on one new date or to one new singles event every month. However, although I enjoyed Speed Dating, singles mixers at bars don't appeal to me (though I've bookmarked some such meetups). I decided that if I want to meet an intellectual sort (who therefore will be more likely to be childfree), I need another strategy for meeting such a guy. I thought about taking a class, but the problem is most classes I'd be interested in taking lack men. So I decided to do something I always wanted to do anyway: join a book club. Dorky? Yes. But even if I don't find a date or boyfriend, at least I'll be doing something I enjoy. If I want to be articulate and charming, I should do things that put me in non-threatening, unintimidating situations.

Well actually, there was a cute, ph.D student in the book club, "Mark." :-) I didn't talk one-on-one with him. Shame on me! Another missed flirting opportunity. But I was in a comfortable setting and did contribute funny and interesting tidbits to the conversation. Made him laugh a couple times, which is always good for building rapport. Will I go after this guy? I don't know. I don't even know if he's single. However, it woke up my inner dater. How silly of me to give up so quickly! Of course there are other men out there. Of course I haven't exhausted all eligible bachelors.

Needless to say, I will be returning to the book club in two weeks, for two reasons. ;-) Even if we're never more than acquaintances, Mark has inspired me to keep trying.

The Lies of The 40 Year Old Virgin

Don't get me wrong. I love "The 40 Year Old Virgin," because I'm a sap. For those of you who don't know, the movie is about a man who is, well, a 40 year old virgin, and his dating escapades. He soon starts dating a woman in her forties. He doesn't tell the whole truth about his sexual history, initially, for fear of losing her, etc, though they agree to no sex anyway for 30 dates. Once he finally reveals his virginity, she is totally okay with it. No surprise, no shock, no running for the hills.

That's precious, gives me warm fuzzies and fills me with hope, briefly. The hope is brief because upon googling, "Would you date a virgin," the discussions by real people are discouraging to a 20-something virgin. At least here, here and here, a good number of people say "No." Often, the people who say "yes" are either under 23 years old or say "yes" because they want the glory of deflowering someone, like it's a sex merit badge. So the idea that a non-virgin (with kids) in her forties would be totally cool with dating a virgin seems unrealistic when a great deal of nonvirgins in their twenties and thirties wouldn't even bother.

One "no" answer that particularly struck me was when a man said he wouldn't want to be the one to take that woman's "innocence." It reminded me of the "Myths: Dreams, Fears and Idols" chapter of Simone de Beauvoir's The Second Sex. In that chapter, she discusses the myths men have created about women, how they make us seem like some otherworldly, incomprehensible beings. She goes on to discuss how these ideas about women have helped men keep us in a subordinate, "other" position. So on that forum, here was a man putting some lofty idea on a virgin's sexuality: "taking her innocence." By that statement, he made the virgin woman untouchable, too pure to be defiled, childish (and you know you can't have sex with children!)

True, we virgins might have strong convictions about maintaining virginity until marriage/a committed relationship, but we aren't goddesses! We're people, we're flawed. We also have a sexuality. Virgin does not necessarily equal "innocent." Sex is everywhere. We know about sex. We've taken sex ed.

I never required any man I date to be a virgin, but sometimes it looks like my chances of having a relationship with a nonvirgin are nonexistent. Sometimes I think I might as well make that a requirement.

Inspiration-"Am I old enough for sex?"

The inspiration for this blog came from a recent post I made on Yahoo! Answers. Apparently, I convinced a girl to save herself for marriage. Truly, I was not trying to impose my beliefs on her! She was a virgin in a conundrum, and I thought she would benefit from my insight. Lo and behold, she chose my answer as the best answer. And I thought, hey, maybe this is what other virgins and shy, under-experienced non-virgins need. Maybe they could use an anonymous friend who is going through what they're going through, and maybe that friend could be me (and whoever else I can sucker into following my blog).

So here's the question and the answer that brought about this blog:

How old should you be to have sex?? Really old or really young?? I'm getting ready to have it and I want to know if it's the right choice!?! I am 20 years old.

I don't think there's a specific age. However, I don't think you should do it because you "feel" ready or think you're "old enough." Feelings are fleeting, and just because you want something doesn't mean you should have it (think chocolate and french fries).

As others have stated, you have to be ready to handle the potential consequences of sex. Have you looked into the different forms of contraception? Also, just because you have sex with a guy doesn't mean you'll get married. Clearly, you don't want to have sex with just anyone. Because you've waited so long, do you think you could handle breaking up with a man after having sex with him?

I'm also a virgin (and older than you!) for religious reasons, but I do know that the first time can really hurt for women. There could be bleeding, soreness, etc. Assuming you have a boyfriend already, is he worth the initial pain? Are you willing to let him break you in knowing it'll get better later?

If you've really thought thoroughly about all this and you're in a committed relationship, then it sounds like you're ready. If this is a "I like him, he likes me, we're in heat, I'm sick of waiting, let's go already" kind of thing, I think you need to keep your pants on and do some thinking first! I think you also should have had a conversation about his sexual history first and find out if he's clean of STD's.