What should I do when a cute guy is checking me out?

My flirt development reached a new milestone over the weekend!

My Flamenco teacher hosted a birthday party for one of my dancemates, “A.” I attended thinking it would be a small affair. Just some Flamenco sisters of mine.

However, as soon as I walk in the door, I find A fumbling around in the kitchenette as she chats with four, young, male friends of hers. My teacher is MIA.

Guys? There are guys here? I have walked into a sea of strangers!

Maybe “sea of strangers” is strong, but there were even more people I did not know in the backyard.

Now, a seasoned flirter rejoices at situations where she knows no one. Flirting opportunities, yay! Well, I still despise (and avoid) parties where I only know two people. Posses of young men intimidate me. I walked to the backyard, hoping to find my teacher.

Well, I fell into my habit of just sitting by the food and spent the first hour talking to other women. However, my peripherals noticed one of A’s cute guy friends (who I first saw inside) sitting a few feet to my right. Fair skin, medium-build, short black hair, glasses with plastic black frames, jeans that actually fit, a little peachfuzz on the face. My type, physically.

My peripherals also noticed, though, that every other time I spoke, Cutey looked my way. Wha? Not possible.

After chatting with the two ladies at the food table, I moved to another seat and conversed with another woman. I was then across from him (though six feet away), and again I noticed that nearly every time I said something, he looked at me, sometimes smiling or laughing. I thought, “Well, he is the one who is in a group. Let him come to me if he really wants to talk.” But honestly, I also thought it impossible that a guy as cute as him would be checking me out. I needed proof that he really was into me before I approached him.

After an engrossing conversation with my dance teacher (so engrossing that I stopped paying attention to Cutey), I headed inside to make a stovetop s'more. The two little kids at the party walked in and of course were intrigued by the s'more and asked me about it, but then pranced away. Next comes Cutey.

Cutey? Could he be following me? Ha! No way. Guys don't follow me! Anyway, he just asked where the paper towels were.

But were paper towels all he wanted?

A little more confident now (or perhaps just running away with my internal romance novel), I strolled back outside…to the food table. Cutey was standing there. I stood by Cutey and grabbed some bread. He reached over to grab wine. Someone said something funny. We both laughed. He was still standing just a foot away, body facing mine. I said something about the food. He smiled (or laughed, I don't remember).

“Should I say something? Is this an opportunity? I always miss opportunities. I am going to kick myself all night if I still do not talk to a guy even when he is checking me out. But maybe he isn't checking me out. Hey, he is still next to me…”

I reached out my hand and introduced myself. An hour-long conversation ensued, and I left the party about 90 minutes later than I originally planned.

Unbelievable! I achieved something I never thought I could achieve on a night that I had zero expectations of talking to any new guys. I broke the ice with a guy I met “in real life.”

This weekend, I picked up a Flirting Bible from Borders’ clearance section. According to this "bible," there were a few things I did wrong. I think I got a lot of the body language right, but now I need to learn what to actually say. Still, even though Cutey did not ask for my number, we carried on an extended conversation, and he invited me to sit with him as we moved back to his posse to talk. So I still consider that a HUGE step for me. I must have done something right. And anyway, one should not just flirt just for the ends, the number. Flirt for flirting's sake, right?

I may never meet Cutey again, but that night gave me some more confidence. Yes, there are guys who are my type and find me attractive. I must not hesitate to introduce myself when a cute guy is making it pretty clear that he wants to know me better…

going alone

I amended my New Year's resolution to going to someplace alone once per week and meeting a new group of people once per month. Although the idea of going to so many things alone and seeing upwards of twelve new groups of people in a year seemed a bit intimidating, so far, it's been fun!

Some things I have done alone:

-Gone to documentary screenings that were followed by discussion ("Forks Over Knives," "The World According to Monsanto," and "The End of the Line")

-Attended a fundraiser at a bar for an animal shelter

-Participated in my parish's young adult trivia night at a pub

-Took dance lessons with the same young adult group

-Caught up on some reading at a coffeeshop

-Mingled with new people at my other young adult group's biweekly meeting

So after several weeks of busyness, I chose to chill out this week, spending Monday, Tuesday (and tonight) at home! It's been nice to just exercise, veg out, cuddle with my cats and actually play a Wii game besides Wii Fit!

Have any new dates come from these excursions? No. Although I've been enjoying myself so much that I sometimes forget my other objective of staying alert for guys. Of course, when I am on the lookout, I only notice coupled guys checking me out, or old men. Not old like 35 years old. Old like wrinkles and gray hair. Ugh. There are few single guys at any of the things I attend. It's hard not to think that all the men my age aren't taken. Where are the single guys?

I have been lax about okcupid too, although a guy I messaged a couple weeks ago, B, finally responded. Apparently he's been crazy busy too. I looked at his profile again as I couldn't remember why he piqued my interest!

As long as I'm doing something I enjoy, I don't feel lonely in a crowd, and I'm not afraid to go alone. I already go to so many things alone as a single person anyway: laundromat, book club, grocery store, car, gas station, church, work, library, doctor, vet, dentist. I didn't understand why I initially felt a little nervous about doing fun stuff alone. I'd rather attend a Vegan documentary by myself than go to a big party with a friend. Not sure why those two things feel so different. Maybe because I like documentaries about the environment and really dislike big parties, so much that even going with my best friend doesn't help.

Perhaps putting myself in all these places, with all these new people, will bring guys my way. But if not, at least I'm having fun in the meantime.

The science of attachment

Valentine's season is coming (apparently). Despite never having a date on Valentine's Day, one thing I like about this time of year is that the nerdy, scientific media starts talking about the science behind attraction.

I had time to kill at the bookstore and saw that this month's Scientific American Mind has an article about attachment. The sub-headline said, "Find your attachment style and make your match." I never saw this magazine before but I had to buy it, especially after browsing the heart-themed optical illusions in the middle of the magazine.

Well, the article wasn't anything particularly new if you've taken some psychology courses about human development (which I have). Levine and Heller referred to Mary Ainsworth's descriptions of three attachment styles: secure, anxious and avoidant. Later research says there might be a fourth attachment style: anxious/avoidant. I learned about these styles in relation to child development (particularly infant's development), not in relation to adult interaction. So that was a new twist. Now, are there only 3ish attachment styles? Who knows? But let's just roll with this idea for now.

Secure attachment means that the people in question are comfortable with intimacy and from their secure base, go out and explore the world. They can be separate from each other and be okay though they also like being together. Anxious people desire intimacy but when they are separated from their partner, they worry a lot about whether or not their partner will be faithful, will be there when they return. Avoidant attachment means people are very independent from their partner, keeping them at a distance, and often avoid intimacy. Of course, secure attachment is probably the ideal, but theoretically, that's not everyone's style (and early experiences influence the later attachment style).

Although the theories seem to make sense, I wonder two things. First, is there an "extrovert bias" to these attachment styles? I think about someone who is introverted (like myself). Introverts aren't always "open" about how they are feeling because introverts, theoretically, process internally. A "secure" person, according to Levine and Heller, has little difficulty expressing needs and wants to his partner. Some introverts don't verbally express what they want often, and is that necessarily "bad?" Avoidant people often don't desire as much intimacy as their partners, and introverts may not be as "intimate" as others. I can see how by these definitions, an introvert can be pegged as "avoidant." So what's the difference between introversion, which is okay, and avoidant, which is not okay? Where do we draw the line between personality trait and problem? And what exactly is "intimacy?"

Similarly, I also wonder if it's possible to be a mixture of styles. Does everyone fall neatly into one of these 3 categories all the time? Is it possible to change from one style to another (or is it pretty much set in stone based on early experiences with parent-child attachment)? Are anxious people only anxious if they match with an avoidant? Can an anxious person switch to secure if they match with another anxious person or a secure person? Of course, a magazine article doesn't have room to go into all these nuances, but I wonder if the actual research did?

My impression after reading, though, is that not having a "secure" style isn't as big a problem as matching up with someone whose attachment style is dissimilar to yours. You have to know your style and what you want from a partner (and your partner should be willing to give it). This can be a bonus for introverts who, because of their introspection, probably know this about themselves already.

Geez, matching up sure is complicated!

"Introvert Power" review

This book isn't specifically about dating, but I imagine a lot of singles have to deal with the "extrovert bias," as the author calls it.

This book is going to become one of the books that changes my life.

When "friends" of mine explain to me why they think I'm single, they often are speaking from an "extrovert bias," meaning extroversion=good/healthy while introversion=flawed/unhealthy. For example, "you need to put yourself out there more," "you need to meet more people," "you need to be more outgoing," "you need to talk more," "you need someone who'll pull you into the conversation." These criticisms go to the core of my being, and refer to qualities which I now realize I can't change.

I'm in dance class, a book club, a young adult group, a leadership group and I have been attending Theology on Tap sessions. I don't have a problem putting myself "out there." I have 200 facebook friends so it's not like I don't know people. I do talk in certain contexts. I don't need someone who'll pull me into a conversation I don't want to get into. How cruel is that? If I felt the need to speak, I would speak. What's wrong with observing, wanting to be left to your own thoughts and reflections?

After reading this, I now have answers to these criticisms. I don't know how many times I wrote "YES" on the margins while reading. I related to so much of what Helgoe was saying. And although I tend to have high self-esteem and love myself, I realized that many of the parts of myself that I thought I needed to "fix," don't need fixing. It's not that I think I'm perfect and flawless. However, I was internally beating myself up about some things, things which I couldn't change. I still bought into the extroverted bias, though I thought I was more independent and free-thinking than that.

Amongst other things, this book confirmed my desire to NOT use "singles events" for dating. I was right. Those sort of dating "network" events where you drink and mingle are NOT good for me, though some well-meaning friends might say that's just what I need. Why put myself in a position that makes me uncomfortable, that shuts me down, where I can't shine? Do I really want a super-outgoing, extroverted guy who knows how to function at those events anyway? Opposites do not always attract.

The funny thing is that many people don't believe it when I say I'm an introverted. According to Helgoe, I'm actually a "socially accessible introvert." I've learned to play the extrovert role, to fake it. Really, though, mingling, idle chat and meeting new people drain me. Big crowds overwhelm me. External busyness wears me out. Although my job requires me to work with people, I'm actually not energized by working with people. More often than not, sitting at home watching movies is more desirable to me than going to a big party.

So EVERY introvert needs to read this, even if you think you're "okay" with yourself. I'm sure you'll get something out of it. Although now I continue to wonder how I'm going to meet a guy who's compatible with my personality. Where do introverts go to socialize?...

Do what's best for you

I recently had a facebook conversation with someone regarding introversion. Her status update asked, "What is your life story telling you about yourself?" I answered, "That I need to embrace my introversion." She responded with, "Don't let it rule you." The statement bugged me, because that's exactly what I need to do.

For the record, I am not a hermit. My job involves working with people directly. I take dance class and am part of a discussion group on the weekends. Also, I see at least one of my closest friends once a month. On top of that, I have three people I attend Mass with on Sundays. So I'm an introvert with good social skills. ;-)

However, I have recently seen the light. Over and over again, society devalues introverts. We are told to "be more outgoing," "get out of our shells," "talk more." In other words, introversion is seen as a negative that needs to be remedied. How often are extroverts told to "be less outgoing," "go into your shell," or "talk less?" Although I agree socializing is beneficial to the soul (humans are social creatures after all), I disagree that wanting to crawl in a shell necessarily means one is anti-social. On top of that, solo activities, such as reading a book, painting, journaling or taking a bath, are seen as "doing nothing." Those are unnecessary luxuries. Bathing I suppose is a necessity, but bathing just for the sake of relaxing might be seen as a luxury. In America, we "live to work," not "work to live," after all.

The Shy Single taught me a valuable lesson though, especially in terms of dating. One of the messages of the book was to put oneself in dating situations where one is at one's best. So if you bumble and fumble at "Single's Events," where it's you and a bunch of strangers, don't do that. If you're intimidated at fancy restaurants, don't take your date there. Figure out in which situations you are most comfortable, and seek out those. Although going out my comfort zone sometimes improved me, at other times, it put me in awkward, uncomfortable situations. The only lesson learned in those cases was, "Don't do that again."

I like first dates to be at cute, independent coffee shops followed by a walk in the park (weather permitting). So I've gone on most dates at the same cafe. I don't like eating on first dates and I don't like meeting at night, so I try to avoid both those. Tea and a walk in the park suit me fine. I'm most comfortable (and therefore most charming) on such dates.

So although my friend/mentor meant well, she didn't realize the inherent bias in her statement. I will no longer fight who I am nor will I be ashamed of it. Sometimes I prefer solitude to people, and it's nothing that needs to be fixed. There is nothing wrong with nightly "me time."