Should women always let men chase them?

There is an "old" dating rule that is driving me a little crazy.  "Women should let men chase them."

Last night, I was facebook chatting with a friend who is on the dating scene.  When I told her about my online dating escapades, she asked, "Well what about the old-fashioned way?"  After I told her how that isn't working, she said to perhaps just stop looking and perhaps a man will come to me.


My response?  "They don't come to me whether or not I'm looking!"

I googled "should women always let men pursue?" Many results were in the affirmative.

To snag a man, let him do the chasing
Ladies, Let Men Pursue You!
Why You Should NEVER Pursue a Man

One link said women should always do the chasing, but I question anyone who references Ayn Rand.

However, not all my friends followed the "let the man chase you" rule.  Also, sitting back and waiting for a man to pursue puts you in a very powerless position.  It leaves you to their whims.  It turns you into a peacock. Dolling yourself up, on display, waiting for a man to notice you.

One could say to just work on you and not worry about men. So we should keep our eyes closed? Never keep an eye out for opportunities? Aren't men always on the lookout?

Some might argue that "chasing" is desperate.  How is initiating contact more desperate than lifting your skirt, batting your eyes and winking at every cute-ish dude across from you at a bar? Why is it "desperate" for a woman to initiate contact but "normal" for a guy to do so?

Now, the June boy, that I chased a little, said that he wants to stay friends, and I haven't heard from him since 4th of July.  I sent a mass "Happy 4th of July" text to my friends to which he responded.  Whenever guys say that they want to "just be friends" with me, I don't really believe it.  I think they were just feeding me a line to "let me down easy." I didn't hear from them again.

Just say, "Thanks for the nice times, good luck with everything." Man!

I don't know if I turned him off by chasing or if he was never that into me, but it is fun being the pursuer instead of the pursued!  And it's not like I texted him every darn day or begged him to take me out.  I just texted a couple times a week. And I kept my flirting at a low level.  Just occasional compliments. 

My feeling now is, every relationship "expert" has contradictory advice. From now on, I'm just going to do what feels right to me, and if dude don't like it, if he is turned off or threatened by a woman sending the first message online, then he isn't the guy for me.

What do you think? Should women always let the men chase them?

the dance of dating

Yesterday, I met my resolution's goal for February and didn't even realize it until afterward.

In the spirit of doing what I love, a female friend and I went to a free dance lesson in my city. It was honky tonk, so we thought it was line dancing, but it was actually partner dancing. Oops. We came without guys and we haven't known each other long enough to be comfortable dancing together. :-P Honky tonk isn't our favorite type of music and I had enough country music when I lived in the south! However, I like dancing and am always up for a free dance lesson, even if it's honky tonk two step. The lesson was followed by a couple hours of dancing, accompanied by a live honky tonk band.

Well, after the lesson, both she and I were asked to dance several times by different men. It sure was nice to be drawn from wallflower-dom! I'm not feminist enough to ask a strange man to dance. That's when traditional gender roles kick in with me. I like being asked to dance though, a man taking my hand to the floor and then taking me by the hand back to my seat.

It occurred to me that dancing with strangers is not dissimilar to dating. If only women thought of dating as a "dance" rather than hunting for a spouse! We wouldn't go so nuts when the date doesn't call us back. Dancing is a microcosm of dating. You spend a little time with a man, and then try out another one. You expect that you might not see them again after that night, but it was fun in the meantime. Some men are good dancers, some are not so good, but you roll with it, and there's no need to see the bad dancers again. It's all about getting out there and having fun.

So now I have another activity to add to my list of ways to meet more guys: free dance lessons. Maybe I should try going alone one day. I'd rather go to a dance lesson alone than a singles event.

Staying in the friend zone

Since I started my dating escapades in August 2009, there have been two guys with whom I wanted to pursue a romantic relationship, and both just wanted to remain friends. Not surprisingly, this is common in my life! I am living proof that men aren't the only ones who are friend-zoned. I'm over "Walter" (name changed), the young man I crushed on during September. It took a month for me to get over him 100%. Now I can't believe I was ever infatuated with him!

Well, the current boy, "Nate," dropped the friend zone thing on me in mid-December after I confessed my like for him, and I am still not 100% over him. If I could quantify it, I'd say I'm more than 50% over him. We started talking and hanging out in October. Yeah, I know some say you should never directly tell a guy you like him. You should do what's gender-appropriate, meaning be indirect and "drop hints." Women are socialized to be indirect and subtle. But it wasn't a disaster when I told Walter I liked him, so my inner feminist doesn't care about that rule!

I told Nate I'm okay with being friends, which is true. I am just "okay" with it, not ecstatic. However, I refuse to do what guys have done to me in the past when I told them I wanted to stay friends: completely disappear. I will not shy away from hanging out with Nate or talking with him just because my heart isn't totally through with him. I must confront the situation. My heart should heal within a couple weeks. She always does.

Anyway, I hung out with him yesterday, and although I was getting closer to being 100% through with Nate, the butterflies fluttered back. We went to a museum, then to one of my favorite cafes and had a great, deep conversation. It is still frustrating to me that I connect with Nate on so many levels, that we share so many similar long term goals, and that we agree on my dealbreaker, which is no desire for children ever. Yet we stay "just friends." It's hard to find a date who's childfree! Even guys in my age group have the baby rabies. My friend, "Amie," said perhaps he'll change his mind, that maybe it will work out after we've known each other longer than a few months. Again, we just met in October. But I refuse to wait around hoping for a rom com ending, where "no" turns into "yes." He confesses that he loved me all along but was too scared or whatever. If he said he wants to stay friends, I should just believe him and move on. I might have just made my first male "platonic soulmate."

So I have 27 more days in January to find a date/singles event, so I need to get a move on that, despite the fact that my heart still pines a little for Nate. It doesn't help that now I'll think of him whenever I open the fridge. He let me pick out something from the gift shop, and I picked a sequined strawberry magnet. It sounds cornier than it really is (totally cute :-) ). I know he only got it to reach the $10 credit card minimum purchase, but that's actually the first "gift" I ever received from a guy.

Is it a blessing or a curse that I encounter so many gentlemanly and friendly guys when none of them ever want a romantic relationship?