Why I need to stop facebook-stalking

I facebook-stalk in an attempt to find out if the guy I'm crushing on is crushable. "Is he single?" "Is he straight?" Yes, I have this tendency to crush on guys who are gay, because I have a broken "gaydar."

But facebooking-stalking, lately, has been ruining the fun. It has abruptly stopped my crushing twice. Once I found out info on the guys, I said, "Oh, nevermind. We'll just be friends."

The most recent crush was a guy I met at a community center in my neighborhood three weeks ago. "Jack" is a cute guy. Short, curly black hair. Tan skin. Thick glasses. A few inches taller than me and a thin-to-average build. Super-friendly. And he busted out some Spanish at one point to some people who walked in. Bilingualism is definitely a turn-on for me sometimes. There were a few other volunteers at the center but he couldn't stop talking to me, asking me questions, smiling at everything I say.

I went back to the center over the weekend for a movie night. He actually remembered my name! :) We chatted for a bit before the movie started. After the movie, I ended up conversing with another guy and he ended up talking in another group.

I promptly proceeded to facebook-stalk that night. I only had his first name, but the movie night was posted as an event on facebook. I found him through that. Yes, I have some mad facebook-stalker skills.

Jack's profile was private! Boo. I usually don't friend people, especially people I just met. I let others friend me. But eh, why not? He remembered me, after all. I friended him and mentioned that I was at the movie night. To my delight, he accepted my friend request.

To my dismay, he is six years younger than me. He is also Atheist. Man. Now my crush is gone.

This is why I need to stop facebook-stalking cuties I meet "in real life." I have a rapport with a guy, then I discover incompatibility when I look him up. And it's not something unimportant to me, like music or movie tastes. It's something really important to me, like religion. And then I don't want to pursue him beyond friendship.

Of course when I return to the center for future events, I will gladly stop and have a conversation or two with him. But in the meantime, I guess it's back to okcupid.

Follow me on twitter @flamencokitty.

Image: Stuart Miles / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Do I want a husband, or just sex?

I have mentioned before that my best friend, Amy, and I are still virgins. She is gung-ho about holding the cherry hostage until marriage.

Right now, I don’t care if I walk down the aisle de-flowered. I haven’t told Amy that I’m not feeling the “wait ‘til marriage” thing anymore.

Anyway, I think we’ve been having similar feelings lately and are interpreting them in different ways. She longs for marriage, like, right now.

For once, Amy’s been trying harder than me to get a man. Her skirts are a little shorter. She’s actually wearing skirts! And heels! And she is finally moving beyond solid colored cardigans and jeans and no makeup. Now she puts makeup on daily, shows a little cleavage and wears bright colors and patterns.

She even started online dating, two years after me. She gave up after a few weeks, though, when she couldn’t get past the online chatting with any guy.

Whenever she talked to a guy online, she told me about why she thought he might be “the one,” why he might make a good husband.

Yes, Amy flat out told me that she really wants a husband. She also hopes the courtship is brief, perhaps only a few months, just like it was with her virginal parents.

And every single time we hang out now, she talks about the lack of men our age in the place. I sometimes don’t even notice. I’m too busy eating or talking to her or whatever.

If Amy is feeling how I’ve been feeling lately, I wonder if it’s really desire for marriage, or if she is just “in heat?”

One of the many reasons I’ve been less active in dating since Spring is because of my toy. Whenever I get all aflutter, satisfaction is just a flick of the switch away. I know Amy has no “toys” and I’m sure she follows the Catholic rule of not pleasuring yourself either.

I can’t imagine the level of sexual frustration that is still pent up in Amy.

I am talking to new guys in public and occasionally send messages on OkCupid. I do try to stay open and alert for guys who are looking my way. I even talked to a guy in a bar recently!

But my level of desperation is not Amy’s. Marriage is not on the horizon for me, and I’m okay with that.

I mean, I still haven’t even been kissed. Let’s get over that hurdle first!

Follow me on twitter @flamencokitty .

Image: Sharron Goodyear / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

How much is too much on OkCupid?

I recently read a blog post by SingleGalNYC about some of her online dating woes, particularly when it comes to "small talk" on OkCupid. I still struggle with figuring out how much is too much in their "You should message me if," section.

On the one hand, one of the things I can't stand on online profiles is vagueness. It drives me nuts when guys, I suppose in an act of desperation, say "If you like anything in my profile, hit me up." So on my profile, I say some of the things I'm looking for in a guy.

But how much should I say?

I don't go as far as saying what I want my ideal man to look like, what kind of home he should have or how much money he should be making. But I never know for sure if I'm also "preventing the chemistry from unfolding." Are guys turned off by a woman who is explicit in her dealbreakers?

But then again, do I want a guy who gets so bothered by someone who knows what she wants? After all, it doesn't bother me when a guy is specific about who should message him.

Perhaps the best thing, in the end, is just to be who I am. My ideal matches, after all, won't be frightened away by a woman who says five things she is looking for in a guy. He'll say, "Hey, that sounds like me," and drop me a hello.

Image: kanate / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Follow me on twitter @flamencokitty

What guys should not do online...

D and I had a conversation about this a couple weeks ago. After clicking through too many profiles of men on okcupid and plentyoffish the past few days, I have to vent about some of the wrong things men are doing.

1) Posting pictures of themselves with other girls.
- D told me he did this because he thought that showing him with other girls would make him look like quite a catch. All these other girls like him, so why wouldn't I? When he was getting no attention, he took the pictures of himself with other girls down. Maybe that works with some girls, but when I see a pic of a man surrounded by girls, I think, "Competition." I don't want to share, and I'm not about to compete with pretty girls for a guy.

2) Not smiling in profile pictures.
-Is this supposed to make men look tough, or suave, or manly? It looks scary, cold and unapproachable. I guess some girls are turned on by the, thuggish, "whassup," semi-frowny face. I pass right over that.

3) Topless pics.
-If all you want is sex, then go ahead and post topless pics, because that's all I think you want. Does that actually get guys more attention? From what kind of ladies? I roll my eyes and move on. You think your body is that hot that you need to show it off to the world? Egomaniac.

4) Pictures of themselves in costume, especially a mask.
-What are you hiding? I want to see you! This is especially bad when it's the only picture.

5) Photos with digital effects and none of their real face.
-Are they trying to show off their graphic design skills? I want to see your actual face, not a pixelated version of it.

6) Posting pictures of celebrity lookalikes as the profile pic.
-Why start off lying? What's wrong with your face? Why won't you show it?

7) Trying too hard to sound smart.
-Just talk like yourself, please (although I guess if you're a phD student, perhaps you would be using a lot of big words). Yes some girls and I do want an educated man, but you don't have to show off ALL the multisyllabic words you learned in college. When you're smart, it just comes through naturally, without you trying to sound that way.

8) Saying something like, "Well, I don't know if this'll really work, but I'll give this online thing a shot," or "I'm skeptical about this."
-Some of us do take online dating seriously. This is insulting.

9) Being negative
-"Don't IM me if all you want is sex." "Don't bring your drama." "All the women on online dating are liars." STFU!
*I know I am being negative in this post too, but I'm not saying this on my online dating profile. I do keep it positive there.

10) Being not-specific and saying something like, "anyone can email me if anything in my profile interested you"
-Tell me what you want. Do you want a nerd? A sporty girl? A partier? A drinker? A non-drinker? Religious? Non-religious? No, you don't have to give an entire checklist but give me some idea. I don't want to waste my time composing a message to you if I am nothing like what you want.

"Should I offer my number to a guy?"

Online dating is so tricky.

My policy for giving out numbers to online people is I that I only give it out before we meet. Typically, that's the policy. I tried something different tonight.

I was talking to D, who I have been chatting with for almost a week. He's currently my favorite. We've chatted most days during the past week. Conversations online usually go 45 minutes to an hour. I don't message him when he's online. I let the guys message me. :-P We see eye-to-eye on the kid thing and seem to both be pretty down-to-earth, though he picks on himself a little. The conversations at first were slipping into talking/complaining about our online dating issues, but I tried to turn the conversation to something a little more positive, keep it light. Thankfully, I don't have many bad experiences, so it was easy for me to turn the conversation away from loathing.

I actually initiated contact with D via a wink on okcupid. After the 2nd or 3rd conversation, I said something like "Hopefully we can meet soon..." to which he responded, "for sure." I was a little skeptical, though glad to see some interest on his end. In the past, guys have expressed interest in meeting but it never came to fruition.

After talking to some friends, I wondered if maybe I should be willing to really speak to a guy before meeting. It does make sense to hear his voice, see if you have phone chemistry, before meeting. Perhaps I should be a little less stingy with the number.

I decided this time to offer my number. I had initiated contact, after all, but I was pseudo-assertive. I (honestly) told him I can't guarantee I'll be online a lot this weekend, but I could give him my number if he wanted. He replied that he was not good with the phone, but asked for my email.

Email? WTF?

I gave him my work email address because I forgot my dating address off the top of my head :P. My work email actually has my last name (oops), but I'm just going to trust that he is not someone who'll steal my identity or stalk me.

Well, at least he was honest about not being good with the phone. I'm not either. But geez, I say I wanna meet, I offer my number, isn't that clue enough that I'm interested? In our first conversation, he told me about how no one views his profile or messages him, no one seems to show interest, blah blah blah. Hello? Well, someone "winked" at you. Me!

This is what I get for wanting a less-aggressive, non-alpha male, I guess. Or it's just his nice way of saying he's not so interested after all. But then again, maybe he is still interested and was just being honest, and he actually is much better at email than phone...

Whatever. I'm going on a date with M tomorrow (Friday) night. Just a cafe or bar. M's the one who's interested in salsa. He suggested we go out for drinks casually first before setting up a salsa night, and I was cool with that. Hey, I've NEVER had a date this close to Valentine's Day! New step for me! I initiated contact with M too but he asked for my number first.

Oh D. You were my favorite. Really. But dude, you snooze, you lose.

I'll keep chatting with him and B, but I'm not going to wait forever for them to get the nerve to say, "Let's go out for coffee." I already expressed interest. If they're truly interested but still too insecure to go out for a 45 minute coffee date, oh well.

moving from online to face-to-face

So I think another conversation has bit the dust.

Sunday (or Monday) of this week marked 2 weeks since I started talking to “B” online.

A couple weeks ago, I spent three or so hours on okcupid searching through profiles, clicking through answered questions, skimming photos, and sent winks (with messages) to about six guys. Two days later, I found 3 responses!

Well, the conversation quickly fizzled with two of the guys but B and I were going strong after a week. He actually read my profile and referenced it in the conversation. After a week, our messages went from a few sentences to paragraphs. B apologized for writing so much and I said, "It's okay. I think it's just a sign that we should probably meet in person..."

B said he was interested in meeting, but asked if we could talk for "just a little while longer." Now, he admitted in his profile that he was kind of shy and he stated that he wasn't just into sex. But I didn't want to wait too much longer to meet. No point in talking for a month (or two), building an image of each other based on online messages, then finding no spark in person. However, I agreed to a little while longer but suggested possibly meeting the following week for coffee.

So we talked for a 2nd week and caught each other on chat one night. Good, fun conversation there. He did ask me what I was looking for on okcupid. That question threw me (this is the day after I suggested meeting up). I checked off in my profile "long term or short term dating." Did he miss that? I said something like it was part of my mission to come out of my shell, be more outgoing, meet more people now that my college friends have dispersed.

On Friday of last week, he asked me if there was anything I wanted to ask him. I asked about his living situation, if he had any siblings and what his job was. In his response, he mentioned he was an only child and I said that he was lucky! I said that I'm much older than my siblings and that between helping with them and babysitting, I have changed enough diapers! He said babysitting is good though because it probably prepares you for parenthood and he said he liked kids. He also asked me a pretty deep question: "If you could change anything about the world, what would you change?"

To his parenting comment, I responded, "Well, as I mentioned in my profile, I don't want kids..." Before I answered the deep question, I said, "Well that is definitely a question I could better answer in person! But what first comes to mind is..." He had also asked if there was a better way to talk than messaging (this he asked for the 2nd or 3rd time). I said that if he was indirectly asking for my number, I'll give it when we get ready to meet.

This was over the weekend. Still no word from him. Prior to this, we were responding to each other's emails within 24 hours.

I'm a little bummed...a little. I started thinking about what I might have done wrong. Did the no-kids thing scare him off? Was I too pushy about meeting? Was I being too guarded with my number? Did he think I was only looking for sex because I mentioned meeting after "only" a week (wow, he really doesn't know me...)? Well, he could be real busy. There is a huge snowstorm out there that's messing us all up.

But tonight, I used my computer instead of my phone for the internet, and I saw we were on okcupid at the same time. No message from him.

Perhaps it's for the best. Maybe it's not me. Maybe he's really self-conscious. Maybe there's something he's hiding. It might not be because there's something "wrong" with me.

He wasn't my number one choice in the looks department anyway! :-P

bad advice from good friends

When I started online dating in Summer 2009, I received a variety of advice from co-workers to whom I was perhaps a little too close.

The first guy I spoke with was Derrick. We met on okcupid. We seemed to have a good rapport online. I had some reservations about him, but because he seemed to be an overall good guy, I overlooked the issues. He definitely boosted my ego a bit with all the compliments (though those got a little annoying after awhile, but anyway). I found him funny and a bit quirky.

My coworkers noticed my lighter, happier demeanor and one asked, “Is it a guy?” When I answered in the affirmative, my other two coworkers of course wanted the deets.

The questions began...

“Does he got a job? Apartment? Car? Where does he live?”
“He a mama's boy?”
“Was he in a relationship before? Why did it end?”
“How much money does he make?”
“What's wrong with him? You need to know to see if you can deal with his flaws!”
“What's his social security number?”

Alright. They were joking with the last one.

Now, despite my lack of experience, I figured that early in a relationship, it is best to keep things light. My mother learned in cosmetology school to never talk about politics or religion with her clients. I figured politics, religion and sex were probably no-no's early in the dating process too. I was not about to jump into a philosophical discussion when we knew each other for only one week.

A lot of their questions, I couldn't answer. I knew he had a job, car, and lived with his mother. I was troubled by them telling me to ask about his past relationships and finding out what was “wrong” with him. I did not think his most recent relationship was any of my business. And trying to find out his “bad habits,” his flaws already? After one week?

Well I did eventually ask about his most recent relationship in the nicest, least nosy way I could. He did not say much. I did not press it.

I think my coworkers just wanted to help. Maybe they were living vicariously through me. Maybe these forty-somethings saw me like a daughter and were trying to protect me, or something. But I think my instincts were right all along. I am open to advice, but I now realize that “advice” that works for some might not work for me.

By the way, Derrick and I stopped talking after about three weeks. I was bored with him, honestly. I used my childfreedom as a “get-out-of-jail-free card.” It was not clear in his profile if he wanted kids. When I asked him directly, he said he did and I said I can only be friends with someone who wanted kids. He logged off and did not message me again until 4 months later. C'est la vie.

I am talking to a guy on okcupid again, now. We hit the one week mark and the conversation is still flowing. Hopefully this will not be another Derrick!

okcupid and the single, childfree Catholic

I do not understand how okcupid matches people.

For those unfamiliar with okcupid, it has a feature called “Quiver,” where they send 3 recommended “matches” daily. For the past week, all my quiver matches have been Atheist or Agnostic. I don't know how this happened. Are there only non-religious people on okcupid? Did I not get that memo?

On okcupid, you can answer thousands of multiple choice questions, which supposedly help improve your matches. When I first started, okcupid was matching me with conservative (politically and religiously) Christians who wanted a crapload of kids. You can choose the “importance” of questions, so I started making any question related to liberal politics “mandatory,” to weed out the conservatives. I was successful in that…too successful apparently. I went from conservative Christians to liberal Atheists. I cannot win!

I know I can be a very logical, scientific person, which maybe came through in how I answered questions. Perhaps my “no kids” answers were matching with Atheists and Agnostics who did not want kids (a lot of people who do not want kids are non-religious).

I do not care what religion a match follows as long as he practices something! Despite not having the same religion, I have a lot in common with my non-Christian, religious friends. We take spiritual growth seriously and are active in enhancing our relationship with our Creator. We also see the world and morality similarly. We “get” each other's holy seasons. They get why Lent is important and I get why Ramadan is important, and we truly respect each other. It's not, “Oh, look at those blind, brainwashed sheep, depriving themselves to keep some power-hungry Skydaddy happy, submitting to an imaginary being's will. Why do they try to 'improve themselves' if nothing is ever good enough for their lightning bolt-wielding Zeus, if they are still going to some 'Hell' anyway?”

I have Atheist and Agnostic friends with whom I agree politically and with whom I share a respect of the scientific method. We just don't talk about religion. If my man and I, though, cannot pray together, if he bows his head to please me but doesn't believe ANY of the words I'm praying, that is a serious mismatch.

I guess the algorithms misinterpreted my openness to other religions to mean “non-religious.”

I do try the Match Searches too where I can type in the criteria (religion, distance, no kids, etc), but scrolling through dozens of matches, reading all those profiles, gets tiresome. I thought Quiver was supposed to pick the “cream of the crop,” as it were, so I do not have to spend forever reading dozens of profiles, looking for compatibility. I have messaged guys whom I found this way...but none of them wrote back.

I plan on going back through the “religious” questions to see how I answered. There are thousands of men out there, but okcupid keeps sending me all the mismatches. Some technology.