Where should I look for my kind of guy?

I've been reading the book, Buddhism: Plain and Simple, lately, and have started thinking about it in relation to my lack-of-dating life.  In this book, the author, Steve Hagen, discusses "seeing" a lot.  He says that Buddhism is partially about really seeing what is in front of you.  Not analyzing it, not creating ideas about it, just "seeing," truly seeing.

I went to a few events last month, one of which was aimed at Catholic, young adult singles. Some things were becoming clear to me, once I opened my eyes and really saw what was in front of me.

As soon as I pulled into the lot of the Catholic singles event, I saw a bumper sticker for Bill Brady on one car and another car with a "crisis pregnancy" center bumper sticker.  Crisis pregnancy centers are basically pro-life centers.  If I wasn't meeting my bestie at this event, I would have left.

Not only were there signs of Republicans, but most of the guys who were there were either too old or way too young for me.  The guy who spoke with me the longest actually had kids. And the conversations were mostly boring small talk, like about jobs.

Again, if it hadn't been for "Amy," I would not have stayed longer than an hour.  Some other friends of mine happened to be there. The world of Catholic singles in my city is small after all.  I talked to them until Amy arrived.

Surprisingly, though, or maybe not so surprisingly, when I went to the community center where I met Jack, I felt very comfortable.  Much more comfortable and welcomed than I did at the Catholic event.  They were screening a progressive, radical movie.  Complete strangers willing to strike up a conversation, usually about social justicey things.  And of course, there was a potluck with plenty of vegan-friendly food.

Jack, of course, was a nice addition too.

If I really open my eyes, I see that Catholic young adult events for singles are probably not the place to meet my Mr. Right.  Yet I keep going to them.  I go to some hippie-liberal-progressive event, that isn't even a "singles" event, and feel much more at home.

Einstein said something like insanity is doing the same thing over and over though you're getting the same result. I'll go to Catholic young adult events for my own spiritual needs.  That's it.

Follow me on twitter @flamencokitty 

Image: Danilo Rizzuti / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Why I need to stop facebook-stalking

I facebook-stalk in an attempt to find out if the guy I'm crushing on is crushable. "Is he single?" "Is he straight?" Yes, I have this tendency to crush on guys who are gay, because I have a broken "gaydar."

But facebooking-stalking, lately, has been ruining the fun. It has abruptly stopped my crushing twice. Once I found out info on the guys, I said, "Oh, nevermind. We'll just be friends."

The most recent crush was a guy I met at a community center in my neighborhood three weeks ago. "Jack" is a cute guy. Short, curly black hair. Tan skin. Thick glasses. A few inches taller than me and a thin-to-average build. Super-friendly. And he busted out some Spanish at one point to some people who walked in. Bilingualism is definitely a turn-on for me sometimes. There were a few other volunteers at the center but he couldn't stop talking to me, asking me questions, smiling at everything I say.

I went back to the center over the weekend for a movie night. He actually remembered my name! :) We chatted for a bit before the movie started. After the movie, I ended up conversing with another guy and he ended up talking in another group.

I promptly proceeded to facebook-stalk that night. I only had his first name, but the movie night was posted as an event on facebook. I found him through that. Yes, I have some mad facebook-stalker skills.

Jack's profile was private! Boo. I usually don't friend people, especially people I just met. I let others friend me. But eh, why not? He remembered me, after all. I friended him and mentioned that I was at the movie night. To my delight, he accepted my friend request.

To my dismay, he is six years younger than me. He is also Atheist. Man. Now my crush is gone.

This is why I need to stop facebook-stalking cuties I meet "in real life." I have a rapport with a guy, then I discover incompatibility when I look him up. And it's not something unimportant to me, like music or movie tastes. It's something really important to me, like religion. And then I don't want to pursue him beyond friendship.

Of course when I return to the center for future events, I will gladly stop and have a conversation or two with him. But in the meantime, I guess it's back to okcupid.

Follow me on twitter @flamencokitty.

Image: Stuart Miles / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Do I want a husband, or just sex?

I have mentioned before that my best friend, Amy, and I are still virgins. She is gung-ho about holding the cherry hostage until marriage.

Right now, I don’t care if I walk down the aisle de-flowered. I haven’t told Amy that I’m not feeling the “wait ‘til marriage” thing anymore.

Anyway, I think we’ve been having similar feelings lately and are interpreting them in different ways. She longs for marriage, like, right now.

For once, Amy’s been trying harder than me to get a man. Her skirts are a little shorter. She’s actually wearing skirts! And heels! And she is finally moving beyond solid colored cardigans and jeans and no makeup. Now she puts makeup on daily, shows a little cleavage and wears bright colors and patterns.

She even started online dating, two years after me. She gave up after a few weeks, though, when she couldn’t get past the online chatting with any guy.

Whenever she talked to a guy online, she told me about why she thought he might be “the one,” why he might make a good husband.

Yes, Amy flat out told me that she really wants a husband. She also hopes the courtship is brief, perhaps only a few months, just like it was with her virginal parents.

And every single time we hang out now, she talks about the lack of men our age in the place. I sometimes don’t even notice. I’m too busy eating or talking to her or whatever.

If Amy is feeling how I’ve been feeling lately, I wonder if it’s really desire for marriage, or if she is just “in heat?”

One of the many reasons I’ve been less active in dating since Spring is because of my toy. Whenever I get all aflutter, satisfaction is just a flick of the switch away. I know Amy has no “toys” and I’m sure she follows the Catholic rule of not pleasuring yourself either.

I can’t imagine the level of sexual frustration that is still pent up in Amy.

I am talking to new guys in public and occasionally send messages on OkCupid. I do try to stay open and alert for guys who are looking my way. I even talked to a guy in a bar recently!

But my level of desperation is not Amy’s. Marriage is not on the horizon for me, and I’m okay with that.

I mean, I still haven’t even been kissed. Let’s get over that hurdle first!

Follow me on twitter @flamencokitty .

Image: Sharron Goodyear / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

What are good vibrators for virgins?

So I finally have been playing around with my "Stats" tag on blogger. I discovered that quite a bit of you have been visiting my post regarding whether or not a vibrator can de-flower you. Well, if that's what the public wants...

FYI I did also blog about lessons I've learned from the toy, in case you're interested. But I also wanted to share some of the tips I learned about buying a vibrator.

Firstly, you can buy the toys at adult toy shops or online. Online will often have a bigger selection, but I wanted to go in person because I wanted one IMMEDIATELY. My mailbox also isn't secure, and I certainly did not want the package mailed to my mother!

If you're comfortable, you can also ask the salespeople questions, like "How should I clean this?" They won't care how kinky your questions are. Seriously. Look where they work...

Especially if you're a virgin, be conservative with the size you choose for your first toy. Don't get a rabbit, no matter how cool it looks. It'll probably hurt!

For virgins and other vibe beginners, rule of thumb, or maybe rule of fingers, is that whatever vibrator you get should be about the same width as your middle and index finger put together. Kinda like a fat tampon.

"Bullet" type vibrators are usually a good choice for virgins. An adjustable speed is very nice too. If you plan to play in the tub, waterproof ones are available too.

With lubricant, water-based is usually the best option for most materials. Yes, you will need lube. For real. If you aren't sure which to get, ask a salesperson.

Those tips seemed to work well for me, though now I think I am ready to "upgrade..."

Do you have any other tips for toys? Any recommendations? Feel free to share here or tweet me @flamencokitty.

Image: Salvatore Vuono / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

How much is too much on OkCupid?

I recently read a blog post by SingleGalNYC about some of her online dating woes, particularly when it comes to "small talk" on OkCupid. I still struggle with figuring out how much is too much in their "You should message me if," section.

On the one hand, one of the things I can't stand on online profiles is vagueness. It drives me nuts when guys, I suppose in an act of desperation, say "If you like anything in my profile, hit me up." So on my profile, I say some of the things I'm looking for in a guy.

But how much should I say?

I don't go as far as saying what I want my ideal man to look like, what kind of home he should have or how much money he should be making. But I never know for sure if I'm also "preventing the chemistry from unfolding." Are guys turned off by a woman who is explicit in her dealbreakers?

But then again, do I want a guy who gets so bothered by someone who knows what she wants? After all, it doesn't bother me when a guy is specific about who should message him.

Perhaps the best thing, in the end, is just to be who I am. My ideal matches, after all, won't be frightened away by a woman who says five things she is looking for in a guy. He'll say, "Hey, that sounds like me," and drop me a hello.

Image: kanate / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Follow me on twitter @flamencokitty

Why I can't be a consecrated virgin

Pledge to stay a virgin for life? Are you kidding me?

I came across an article about consecrated virgins from July 2011. It wasn't my first time hearing about these women. A fellow virgin friend of mine told me about them a few years ago. She recommended I consider whether or not God is calling me to the life of a consecrated virgin.

I considered it...for about thirty seconds. No. Thank. You

Now of course, there is always the possibility that I will remain a virgin for life anyway because I have no luck with guys, apparently. Becoming a consecrated virgin also isn't the same as becoming a nun. When you're a nun, you have to go wherever your superiors tell you go and do follow the mission of your order. Consecrated virgins can still live their old life, minus dating.

Still, I don't want to close off possibilities completely! I don't know if I'm being called to a romantic relationship, but I'm not feeling the lifelong, voluntary virginity. What if I finally meet a Mr. Right after "marrying" Jesus? What to do, then?

Besides, although I'm technically a virgin, I have a "toy." I know you don't have to be little Miss Perfect and Pure to be a nun. I've know nuns that have cussed, talked about cute guys and didn't dress like school marms all the time. Still, I would have a really hard time ignoring all my biological urges for life. It's not okay for a consecrated virgin or nun to own an adult toy. Masturbation is a sin in the Catholic Church.

I wish all the consecrated virgins the best. I hope that their relationship with God and Jesus is strengthened because of their choice. However, although consecrated virginity is opening their world, it would close mine.

Image: Sura Nualpradid / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Where the single boys at?

I had neglected my mission to go to bars by myself, but recently started up again. I don’t know if I’m picking the wrong bars, the wrong times, or both, but for some reason, I am not running into many young, single guys. At all the bars I’ve gone to, the majority of young men there were with girls.

Apparently, I’m going at the “date hour,” or something.

So, I posted a status update to facebook asking where young single guys go. Two people, only one of whom was a girl, responded. I wish more of my guy friends would have jumped in but oh well. I’m not so sure this is the most inclusive list, but here are my friends’ answers:

-serious sports bars

-a place where I’m likely to be the only female, like golf clubs, boating clubs or craft brew bars

-ski trip

-improv shows

-cougar bars

-sporting events

-barbecues

Is that about right? Are there other places that single guys, who are over 25 and under 35, frequent? Where the young, single guys at?

By the way, you can now stalk, er, follow me on twitter @flamencokitty