Friday, April 9, 2010

Why am I still single?...

Every now and then I revisit this question, "Why am I single?" in an attempt to be honest with myself and try to logically analyze something that's emotional. How can you rationalize feelings or attraction?

I identified several reasons why I was single prior to online dating and then after beginning this journey. Today, though, I re-realized something else about myself that could be a hindrance.

Something nearly disastrous happened at work today. I won't go into details, but to give something a little concrete, I took charge of a project of sorts. I wasn't the only leader, but I really was the main one. Due to miscommunication, a big mistake happened. I rightfully assumed everything was okay and that the worst didn't happen. However, because I was in charge, I felt like the near-catastrophe was my fault. If the worst had happened, I could have lost my job. Also, the miscommunication could have been avoided had I taken certain preventative measures, which I forgot to take in all the hustle and bustle of the day. After four years in this sort of job, I felt like I should have known better, but made rookie mistakes. I just hope word of this doesn't get to the new boss (we had a regime change at work recently), as everything was supposedly settled with all parties involved. I did apologize to those most affected by my error. I just don't want the first thing the new boss hears about me to be something like this, when typically, I'm very organized, thoughtful and conscientious.

As you may have noticed, when something bad happens to me or people under my "watch," I blame myself. I have this tendency to take on too much responsibility for bad things that happen in my life. "X happened because I don't have control." "It's my fault that Y happened." "If Mr. B had been in charge instead of me, Q wouldn't have happened." "Z because happened because I didn't do X and Y." Then I start ruminating and ruminating. However, I've found ways to process and release the ruminations in my introverted way. After leaving work and running some errands, I have a clearer head now and can reflect in a more forgiving way on my actions today.

Nevertheless, this "it's my fault" mentality, my tendency to take things personally, leaks into my reflections about why I'm single. I too often think, "I'm single because of something I'M doing wrong." "I'm not trying hard enough." "I'm not putting myself out there." "I'm not making myself look attractive." "I'm not willing to put out." It's a classic scenario of brain vs. emotion for me. In my brain, I know that the reason I'm perpetually single might not have much to do with me at all. Maybe I just haven't met the right man. Or, to put it in a religious context, maybe God does have a man for me, but we're not ready to meet yet. But then my emotions, I guess, kick in, and I start thinking my singledom is all my fault.

It's something I need to work on, this taking things too personally. This could be a real problem should I get into a long-term relationship. I just hope my INTJ tendencies keep me in the logic zone, and that I maintain an ability to look at things objectively.

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