What's it like to be a "spinster?"

Apparently, a ton of fun!

Last Saturday, I went to a party hosted by someone in the Book Club. A friend of hers, Rosie, also attended the party. I mostly hung out with other Book Clubbers but Rosie made the rounds and eventually stopped by our little cluster.

Rosie is in her late forties, unmarried with no kids. She is also a seasoned partier! She lives in a suburb that's about two hours away by the suburban train. She decided not to take her car into the city because the forecast called for a heavy snowstorm. So that night, she had packed a bag with a change of shoes (she was in stilettos), money for taxis, and was on her way to another party where she was going to crash for the night. This party I attended was mostly middle aged people by the way. I think I was the youngest one there, and I'm in my late twenties. So this wasn't drunkfest. People drank wine and just a couple bottles of beer brewed at local breweries or in people's homes. No tequila shots and Beer Pong.

Anyway, Rosie talked a little about some of her travels. She also discussed her annoyance with people who just wanted to talk about their kids. She liked to talk about ideas. She mentioned a book club she used to attend where the women would talk about the book for five minutes and then start talking about babies and all things child-related. Torture! If I spend a few weeks reading a book, I don't want to talk about it as a group for five minutes!

So I related to her love of travel and love for intelligent conversation. She was also gorgeous! She looked ten years younger, slim, few wrinkles, big eyes, shoulder-length straight hair with a slight curl, tanned skin. She said she had no regrets and believed in living life to the fullest, taking chances. I told her I wanted to be like her when I grew up. She said she knew senior citizens whom she hoped to be like when she "grew up!" She said that it was important for us women to have role models, older women to look up to.

Listening to her, I envisioned the possibilities for me if I remained single. Rosie lives a full, exciting life. She has the energy and zest for life of someone in her twenties, yet speaks middle-age wisdom.

I won't soon forget Rosie. Single, middle aged woman today are redefining "spinster." They aren't sad old maids, knitting home alone, lamenting their lack of husband and children. They are being "fully single," doing everything possible that a single person can do. If that's the life that awaits me, singlehood won't be such a bad thing after all.

Oh and Mark, my most recent crush, was there by the way, and we barely spoke to each other. Such is what happens at parties. He spent an hour talking to a new girl, who we clubbers suspected was a new love interest. I was even able to sincerely ask if he got her number. But he stated that she was with someone else. Rarely do I witness a straight guy talking so much, so intensely with girls in whom he has no romantic interest! He and I talked about a book (of course) later in the evening, but not much more than that. Just further confirmation of his lack of interest in me. My crush came back for a second when he revealed that he can play the guitar. I am a complete sucker for guitar players! Ability to play the guitar is a much bigger turn-on for me than ability to bench-press 100 pounds. But after talking to Rosie, I wasn't lamenting my single status quite so much anyway.

"Am I over him?"

I had a little crush on the moderator of the book club I attend, Mark. I wasn't in hot pursuit because I was getting nothing beyond friendliness from him. Still, I secretly admired him.

Last month, though, Angie came to the meeting. She's also getting her doctorate and just as well-read as him. After the meeting, they got into conversation that spilled into our "after party." They basically talked to each other the whole time at the bar. Lowered voices, constant eye contact, exchange of phone numbers. They didn't even notice when we were leaving. I was playing some bar games with other book clubbers, and one whispered, "Good. He needs to get laid!" We all thought something more than friendship was blooming.

Was I a bit heartbroken? Sure. But I went to another party afterward and thoroughly enjoyed myself. We just aren't compatible beyond acquaintances. Oh well.

Yesterday was another meeting. I took the bus on the way and was journaling when I looked up and noticed someone at a stop that resembled Mark. I put my head down, kept writing. "If it's him, let him come to me," I thought. Very teenager-y, I know. Well, it was him and he did sit next to me and we had harmless chat the whole way. As further proof of his disinterest though, I discovered that he's actually been living less than a mile from me (temporarily) and, btw, hasn't told me. :/ It's difficult conversing on buses on trains, especially on the subway when it gets loud and creaky. There were lapses in conversation and I missed flirting opportunities. So I figured I must be mostly "over him." I still got a little nervous and was again freezing in his presence. I did manage to fit in a couple compliments, though.

At the meeting, someone joked to him "So, where's your girlfriend, Angie?" He replied that she was out of town but he did not know she was his girlfriend.

...What? It was classic "interested" body language! He isn’t into Angie? She seemed like a good match for him. In all honesty, I had a spurt of hope, and regretted that I wasn't more flirtatious when I had him all to myself!

Well, after the "after party," I went with him and two other members home on the same bus. He sat by the man and I sat by the young woman. But as Mark left the bus, he shook our hands, and my voice’s pitch rose as I said goodbye. I also finally looked up and waved at him out the window when he looked back at the bus. I'm horrible about remembering to look back, like they do in the movies.

So I added to my flirting repetoire last night. My crush isn't quite as gone as I'd like it to be, but I think I'm in an overall healthy place. I know there are others out there. I just need to keep an eye open.

Mini triumphs in flirting

My inner flirt got to spread her wings a bit this weekend. In all honesty, it looked nothing like the picture, but anyway.

Saturday, my friend asked me to be an extra in an independent short film that her friend was directing. I was assigned, last minute, to do something front and center, so I needed makeup. While the makeup girl was powdering and eye-shadowing me, Mr. Director walked by and asked how it was going. The makeup lady said "Just making her gorgeous," and he replied, "Well I don`t see any difference at all!" I replied, "You are just too kind!" That's me, flirt-mode. He was probably gay, FYI.

On Sunday, during the Sign of Peace at Mass, Rick (who has some sort of special needs) once again said, "Ooh, you still have big muscles." I don`t, btw, but that's become the thing he likes to say to me every weekend, after which he proceeds to pat the bit of fat on my upper arm. I told him, "Oh, you are just too sweet!" My inner flirt was now very attentive to any potential flirting opportunities.

All this came to a sort of climax on Sunday afternoon after the book club meeting. As you may know, I have a little crush on Mark, the club moderator. Still don't know if he's gay (I have reasons to suspect he is, on which I won't elaborate now), or interested, or childfree, but I got a little thing for him anyway until I know otherwise.
Let me quickly explain that to get to the meeting via public transit, I have two options: 1) Take the train to the nearest station and walk about fifteen minutes, or 2) Take the train to a station that's further and take the bus, which brings me right to the door of the meeting site. Option 1 is often the quicker route, but if it's bad weather (or I don't feel like walking), I take the bus. After the meeting, I wait for the bus because when Mark leaves, he usually walks past the bus stop to get to his car. Silly me, I know, but whatev. He usually walks right past me without so much as a nod. However, my goofy self still waits for the bus in hopes that maybe he'll at least wave as he passes one day.
Sunday, he was talking (ahem, debating) with a new book club member outside after the meeting. They couldn't come to a resolution in their discussion during the meeting. I started thinking, "Well I guess he's into her, not me," because that's what I do, jump to conclusions, find reasons to stop crushing on guys. I waited (and waited and waited...) for the bus. I stopped glancing over to see if he was walking my way and just read my book.
Lo and behold, Mark stops and says, "The bus is late, huh?" And we preceeded to converse, much to my delight! Nothing sexy in the conversation, just talked about walking, the city, traveling.
It was very cliche, how I was feeling: not fully listening, unable to speak as coherently as usual, lotsa smiling, giddy. I didn't care what he was saying. I just wanted him to talk to me. He actually stayed with me until my bus arrived. I expected just a quick goodbye, which would have made my day! I'd like to think he just wanted to spend time with me because he's totally into me, but I know, I know. It may mean nothing.
Anyway, when the buses arrived (yes two arrived at the same time, typical), he made a comment about their tardiness and I replied, "Well I guess it's a good thing the bus wasn't on time. Otherwise, I wouldn't have got to talk to you!"

Hey, for me, that's flirting. That's as good as I get.

Anyway, my mania and glee and fantasizing has died down, though I still like to run through the conversation in idle moments. Also, now I remember what "attraction" or "chemistry" is supposed to feel like. The conversation should just flow, the "flirting" should be automatic. I remembered that happy nervousness, the desire to be sexy just for him, which I haven't felt since Nate, back in December. No date has tickled my fancy this year. None, yet I wondered after each date if I should give the guys another chance (I usually didn't). Maybe the spark would be delayed? I don't know if Mark was feeling the tension too. With my luck, probably not, but I friended him on facebook anyway a couple days ago, and he accepted. I guess I should be happy that he sees me as a friend at least.

And now I can facebook-stalk him and keep in touch between meetings. ;-)

Three boys? Which to choose?

So after nothing (really) since January, I can potentially have 3 boys to choose from.

I still have an almost-crush on Mark from the Book Club. He's starting to smile and look at me more, which is better than bad, though still neutral. Whenever I speak at the Book Club, he's a captive listener and always responds to me...well okay he responds to everyone. Whenever he talks about a previous meeting, though, he looks at me, though I'm not the only member of the group who went to the previous meeting. Look at me! I'm acting like Anne in Persuasion. Any little gesture or movement makes me go, "Maybe he likes me!" He hasn't asked for my number, made small talk with me after a meeting or facebooked me. He has my first and last name, so if he wanted to track me down, it wouldn't be difficult. I guess he really isn't that into me.

Then there's Kyle, the boring guy from the virgin website. His contact is infrequent and his profile pic is a little unsettling. Not warm and smiley. Very cold and hard. However, he said he'll be in town soon and would like to meet up, and I just can't get the nerve to say, "Uh, I don't want to meet you anymore because you're boring and look kinda scary." I might do the trick of having someone give me an "emergency" call part way into the date. "Sorry Kyle. My best friend is having a boy problems big time. I can't get into details but I need to cut it short and give her a call back." Something like that. He's not on any social network, which makes cyber-stalking difficult. On my google search, I found him on some car forums, that's it. I just want to make sure he isn't a psycho.

Finally, I'm going to try out elove, a local matchmaking service. They called me one night for a phone consultation (I left my contact info at Speed Dating) and I was too tired to just hang up on them and say, "No thanks." However, it sounds like a really thorough company. I set up an appointment for a face-to-face interview, which is supposed to take about 90 minutes. Yeah, hardcore. They do background checks on everyone too. Well, if it's less than $100, I'll try out the service. They claim to have a good success rate. Considering I have made little progress online dating of late, it's worth a shot I suppose. My money might actually go somewhere, unlike the $30 each I wasted on eharmony and match.com.

Be careful what you wish for. I'm most excited about elove. Even if I don't go with the service, it'll be nice to just talk to a "Relationship Specialist" anyway.

violently in love

In Pride and Prejudice, Austen describes Mr. Darcy as violently in love with Elizabeth...I think. Well, I'm not 100% sure, but that fits my attitude lately. Or at least, it fits where I want to be.

Let me be more specific. I'm in the mood for someone to be violently in love with me. I want a secret admirer. Recently, I've been watching more lovey-dovey types of shows in movies. In particular, I'm eagerly awaiting the series finale of one of my favorite shows, "Ugly Betty." No, I'm not a "Detty" per se. I don't want Betty to fall for Daniel in the final episode and for them to run off in each other's arms. That would be a cheesey way to end the series. However, after Hilda's marriage and Daniel looking so lovingly at Betty, I do want him to confess.

Hey, when you're a single virgin, sometimes you live vicariously through fictional characters!

Add to that nicer Spring weather plus recently finishing Persuasion and now I want some guy to be madly, violently in love with me. I want to be adored. Honestly, I do want some (worthy) man to stumble and falter from violent love in my presence. I want to give a man butterflies. I want a guy to be enchanted by me. Needless to say, I'm more eager to get more serious about online dating, at least compared to the apathy I've been feeling since February.

The moderator of the book club I joined, Mark, might be my next crush pending further investigation. ;-P I know little about him other than he's single, likes books and is a phD student. He's at a pretty smarty-pants school and an immigrant. I don't know his sexuality nor do I know if he's "into" someone else. For a moment, I suspected if he was into me, but no major signs are there. Plus, because I "almost" am in pursuit of him, I might be misinterpreting neutral singles for romantic interest. I do that a lot. Anyway, I tried to get there early, to the book club meeting I mean, to try and attempt some small talk, but it wasn't early enough. One other man was there, and I had a burst of nervousness. If I'm not comfortable around him, that might not be a good sign.

In any case, I am determined not to chase after guys or lust after guys who don't like me. That has been my pattern since....always. No more! I know a little imagining doesn't hurt, but I can't let this almost-crush keep me from remaining active in online dating.

Do what's best for you-part two

There actually wasn't going to be a part two, but events today further confirmed this new mantra of mine.

Since Nate, there has been no man who's piqued my interest. I went on a date with Steven in January, and though the date was not bad, there was mutual disinterest, thankfully.

As usual, I started to get fatalistic again, as in "Well, I guess there is no guy for me after all. I should just give up this fruitless endeavor and go on with my single life." I was starting to feel silly for even trying to date. I'm a perpetually single virgin in my mid-twenties after all. How good are my chances of getting a boyfriend, really?

Today I was reminded of the phrase, "there're other fish in the sea." I'm altering my resolution somewhat. I said I'd go on one new date or to one new singles event every month. However, although I enjoyed Speed Dating, singles mixers at bars don't appeal to me (though I've bookmarked some such meetups). I decided that if I want to meet an intellectual sort (who therefore will be more likely to be childfree), I need another strategy for meeting such a guy. I thought about taking a class, but the problem is most classes I'd be interested in taking lack men. So I decided to do something I always wanted to do anyway: join a book club. Dorky? Yes. But even if I don't find a date or boyfriend, at least I'll be doing something I enjoy. If I want to be articulate and charming, I should do things that put me in non-threatening, unintimidating situations.

Well actually, there was a cute, ph.D student in the book club, "Mark." :-) I didn't talk one-on-one with him. Shame on me! Another missed flirting opportunity. But I was in a comfortable setting and did contribute funny and interesting tidbits to the conversation. Made him laugh a couple times, which is always good for building rapport. Will I go after this guy? I don't know. I don't even know if he's single. However, it woke up my inner dater. How silly of me to give up so quickly! Of course there are other men out there. Of course I haven't exhausted all eligible bachelors.

Needless to say, I will be returning to the book club in two weeks, for two reasons. ;-) Even if we're never more than acquaintances, Mark has inspired me to keep trying.