"Am I over him?"

I had a little crush on the moderator of the book club I attend, Mark. I wasn't in hot pursuit because I was getting nothing beyond friendliness from him. Still, I secretly admired him.

Last month, though, Angie came to the meeting. She's also getting her doctorate and just as well-read as him. After the meeting, they got into conversation that spilled into our "after party." They basically talked to each other the whole time at the bar. Lowered voices, constant eye contact, exchange of phone numbers. They didn't even notice when we were leaving. I was playing some bar games with other book clubbers, and one whispered, "Good. He needs to get laid!" We all thought something more than friendship was blooming.

Was I a bit heartbroken? Sure. But I went to another party afterward and thoroughly enjoyed myself. We just aren't compatible beyond acquaintances. Oh well.

Yesterday was another meeting. I took the bus on the way and was journaling when I looked up and noticed someone at a stop that resembled Mark. I put my head down, kept writing. "If it's him, let him come to me," I thought. Very teenager-y, I know. Well, it was him and he did sit next to me and we had harmless chat the whole way. As further proof of his disinterest though, I discovered that he's actually been living less than a mile from me (temporarily) and, btw, hasn't told me. :/ It's difficult conversing on buses on trains, especially on the subway when it gets loud and creaky. There were lapses in conversation and I missed flirting opportunities. So I figured I must be mostly "over him." I still got a little nervous and was again freezing in his presence. I did manage to fit in a couple compliments, though.

At the meeting, someone joked to him "So, where's your girlfriend, Angie?" He replied that she was out of town but he did not know she was his girlfriend.

...What? It was classic "interested" body language! He isn’t into Angie? She seemed like a good match for him. In all honesty, I had a spurt of hope, and regretted that I wasn't more flirtatious when I had him all to myself!

Well, after the "after party," I went with him and two other members home on the same bus. He sat by the man and I sat by the young woman. But as Mark left the bus, he shook our hands, and my voice’s pitch rose as I said goodbye. I also finally looked up and waved at him out the window when he looked back at the bus. I'm horrible about remembering to look back, like they do in the movies.

So I added to my flirting repetoire last night. My crush isn't quite as gone as I'd like it to be, but I think I'm in an overall healthy place. I know there are others out there. I just need to keep an eye open.