Hit and miss

Over the weekend, I had what J.M. Kearns, author of Why Mr. Right Can't Find You, would call a "sighting."

Sort of.

I'm trying to be better about keeping my eyes open for potential matches. Taking off the headphones, putting down the novel on the train, etc. This weekend, I went to my favorite coffee shop to do paperwork. A trio of young people, two girls and a guy, arrived. I was working at a couch and facing the wall opposite. They sat at a table on the wall opposite me, to my left. One girl had her back to me, while the guy and other girl sat beside each other, facing my wall. I continued my work.

While working, my peripheral noticed the male head turned in my direction. I took off my headphones, remembering my mission to stay alert for sightings. I pretended to look at the artwork on the opposite wall. He turned away. I glanced at him when his head was turned. I hadn't checked him out when he first arrived. He was a somewhat attractive (to me). Just needed a shave. He looked like all the other young, White, hipsterish men in my neighborhood: black, thick, square frame glasses; ear-length, wavy brownish hair; blue knit skull cap; khakis; green hooded sweatshirt.

I also noticed, though, that the girl beside him (whose attention was mainly directed at her girlfriend and whatever they were looking at on the laptop) was leaning on him, snuggly.

Great. A guy who looks like my type, at my favorite coffee shop, who is checking me out...is taken.

I thought perhaps I was imagining his glances, but my peripherals saw his head turn my direction at least three times. I actually did make eye contact with him once while he was sipping his mug, confirming my suspicion. Honestly, I was flattered, though I made no expression as such when I looked at him. I was facebook-chatting with my one of my friends during this episode, and asked her if I should smile back anyway. My friend said, "YES! U GO GIRL!" But just when I decided to be "bad" for once and wink at a cute guy who was clearly taken, he stopped looking my direction. He turned his head all the way to his girlfriend and covered his face with his left arm.

I like to think he covered and turned his head because my beauty was so striking, he wouldn't have been able to resist looking at me otherwise. :-P

Once the buddy left, the young man and girl beside him kissed each other, and her attention was finally totally on her man. They did look like a match. She also had a knit skull cap, fingerless knit gloves, denim frayed mini skirt with leggings, thick black square framed glasses. Two young, White, hipsterish people in love, or lust, whatever.

Better luck next time I suppose. At least I had a burst of hope. It is possible for the attraction to be mutual someday. Now where to find the single boys?...

Why would a virgin need lube?

Because I've been having issues with the girly bits lately.

I'll try not to be too specific (though any women reading this might figure out what it is anyway). What's strange about the issue is that, upon googling it, I discovered that it is typical of menopausal women, as lack of estrogen causes it. However, I'm not menopausal. For other women, causes of the issue include childbirth, sex without adequate foreplay, new detergent, and stress. I figured it must be stress as I was stressed out last month. I had the issue during my PMS week last month but now again during PMS week this month. Could it be hormonal? Is it an infection? I got some feminine wipes last month, but those didn't really help.

You're probably thinking, “Just go to the gyno, flamencokitty.” You're right, but here's the thing. Firstly, I don't know when I'll have time this week. If the pattern from last month continues, the issue will go away before I make it to the doctor. Secondly, upon further reading about my issue, it sounds like all I might need is...lubricant. I don't have any of the other related symptoms. I don't want to panic and run to the doctor when I don't need a prescription.

So today, I returned to the girly-bit-medicine shelf. Now, I strive for all-natural and animal byproduct-free ingredients when I'm in the health aisle. What bugs me about the feminine products, though, is most of the medicine, cleansers, creams, douches etcetera are loaded with ingredients I can't pronounce. They also have parabens, animal-based Vitamin D, and other things I try to avoid. I am not concerned if I, one time, put parabens or whatever on my arms or legs (like in lotion), but I don't want to rub these chemicals all over the girly area! Plus, the wipes I got last month had all that mess and still didn't help.

In addition to the annoyance with all the un-hippie chemicals, I did feel a little uncomfortable looking for a lubricant. Yes, I'm an adult. Yes, most adults are sexually active. Yes, the cashiers don't care what I buy. Still, it was weird. I'm a virgin and still need these things for the girly area, though the main purpose of the lube is to “enhance sexual pleasure!”

Fortunately, the only products that had “all natural,” paraben-free ingredients were the lubricants. It actually is helping more than the wipes. Plus, I don't have to worry about using it only a few times a day or week. I can use it as needed. Don't worry, if the issue arises again next month, I will go to the gyno.

My nosy mother is coming by to the visit next week. I just hope she doesn't go poking around my bathroom cabinets! She will confront me if she finds the lube.

Do you regret being single and a virgin?

Not when I listen to the radio.

En route to work, I switch between the Steve Harvey Morning Show and some local pop radio stations. Every morning, with rare exceptions, the radio shows talk about relationships. The pop radio stations in particular, talk about sex (while Steve Harvey's Strawberry Letters tend to focus more on long term relationships…well, usually one party thinks it's long term while the other thinks it's a fling). When people call and discuss their love, sex, or other relationship issues, I don't think I'm missing much.

“I slept with a married man and got pregnant but he doesn't want to leave his wife for me.”

“I had a great date with this woman but when I tried to call her, she never returns my calls and I don't know what I did wrong.”

“Should I stay in school or go move in overseas with my long distance boyfriend?”

“I was married to a man for 15 years and had two kids with him and he cheated on me.”

“My man's in jail, but he says he's a changed man, and when he gets out he still wants to be together and we have a kid together but I don't know if I should get back with him.”

“I found out my girlfriend has had several dozen sex partners and now I don't know if I want to be with her anymore.”

“I'm a woman and my man won't marry me until I have sex with my best girl friend, and he wants to video it.”

“I don't want to be friends with benefits any more. I want a real relationship with him.”

“I think my boyfriend sexually assaulted my son. I don't know what to do.”

And on and on and on.

Frankly, the drama frightens me. There's a lot of drama out there too. A lot. Some I could never imagine. I'd like to think I'm smart enough and wise enough and have set my standards high enough to avoid the most dramatic drama, but who knows? Who's to say I wouldn't end up in such messes? In some of these situations, the solution of “break up with him/her” seems obvious to me, but I'm an outsider. Do I really understand what's at stake if the couples break up?

I'm hoping that because I am older and my pool of men is older, my future partner and I will be mature and wise enough to not end up like some of the people on the radio. If we do break up, hopefully it won't be as messy, as traumatic as some of these other couples. Breakups are seldom smooth and easy, but if I choose right, at least authorities will not be involved.

Look out world, here I come!

Recently, I posted a facebook status saying, "[flamencokitty] needs to learn to go for it." A couple of my friends "liked" it, including a friend who I always saw as assertive, outspoken, someone who already "goes for it." I asked, "How can people as awesome as us be so not proactive?" She responded that she spent a good chunk of her life undermining herself and her abilities, but once she reached her mid-twenties, she began to get over it. So now, she is on her own Project-Get-Out-of-My-Way. She's not perfect at it, but progressing.

I thought that was a fantastic idea!

My facebook status was mainly related to my shyness regarding guys. I don't consider myself shy, except with my crushes. However, I tend to be attracted to the quieter, shier sort. Perhaps instead of sitting around waiting to see if Mr. Shy will ask me out, because I can be assertive, I might need to be the pursuer. I can't worry about whether or not he'll reject me. Isn't knowing for sure that he is not attracted better than being in the gray? I need to get over my self-consciousness (“No, I’m not pretty enough. I’m not his type. I’m not smart enough. He probably doesn’t like me. I’ll look foolish for chasing him…”). At the very least, I need to fight the hesitation more and make my attraction to the guy more obvious. The guy remains Mark right now. That crush waxes and wanes. In idle moments, I run through things he has said or done that make me wonder if the attraction is mutual. However, when a crush hits the "maybe, maybe not," gray area, I obsess and read every little thing as attraction. I don't want this crush to go from fun mental diversion to infatuation.

Upon further reflection, though, I realized that I am also guilty of undermining myself in other situations too. This is my fifth year working in my career, and I'm now starting to feel like less of a beginner. I am actually pretty good at my job. I've even informally begun to mentor others, and the advice I'm giving now is solid (though I of course still turn to more experienced people when I'm stuck too). Also, in dance class, I changed to a class that has more beginners (due to schedule conflicts). I see how far I've come. I'm starting to challenge myself more in class.

It's amazing how it all connects.

I want to do my own version of Project-Get-Out-Of-My-Way, starting in the New Year (a resolution). I'm playing around with different ideas. Doing a new thing every month? Talking to one new guy a month? I don't know yet. But I need to do it. As my young adult group leader told me in Spring, my star is rising. I didn’t believe her until last month. I can't hold my star back. I can't!

peer pressure and virginity

Lately, I've been going back and forth between whether or not to stay a virgin until marriage, or even engagement. It didn't seem so naive when I was 18. However, I'm approaching my late twenties this month. It's making less sense now. Recent conversations continue to challenge me.

Very few of my friends and acquaintances know I'm still a virgin. So they speak to me as if I'm sexually active. Last week, a friend of mine posted a facebook status saying, "No sex for you haha." I think that was aimed at a former lover of hers. In a moment of sexual frustration, I replied, "You just had to bring that up," to which she responded, "You better get some!"

Today, while knocking on doors and encouraging people to vote, my partner, a 21 year old man (and a new dad, who is not with the baby mama), said, "You need to get some penis!" I laughed and said, "Maybe." I didn't reveal my virginity to him, but I did reveal that I never had a boyfriend. During our conversation about all things dating-related, he asked if I ever did booty calls or one night stands. I said that I didn't, and he said, "Oh, you're very careful with your partners." I replied, "Yeah, I am." It's true, I am careful, hence my lack of partners!

In high school, I had no problem ignoring media messages about sex. I didn't feel pressure from many peers, but the little I did encounter I brushed off, no problem. I didn't really have a sex drive back then. Even when I crushed on a guy, I didn't consider swaying from my position. Now, when I look around at my friends, I can't help but think, "Am I the stupid one?" Even most of my good, unmarried Christian friends are sexually active. I don't think they're bigger "sinners" or "less pure" than me. In fact, in another conversation with the 21 year old about religion, I said, "If you don't smoke, drink or cuss but are mean to others, that doesn't make you a good Christian. It’s about how you treat other people. It's not about trying to be pure or follow some set of rules. It's about being whole."

After I said that, though, I (internally) put the mirror on myself. Am I also trying to fit some warped idea of purity? Does being a virgin really make me "whole?" Does that really make me a better Christian? I did agree with the young man when he said, “You women have biological needs, right?”

I'm just glad this is all hypothetical thinking. Even if I don't stick to the virgin-til-engagement thing, though, today's conversations with the 21 year old showed me that I won't just give it up to anyone. I will choose a quality man. Even if we don't stay together, I won't regret it...well, unless he's even worse than me in bed!