Do you regret being single and a virgin?

Not when I listen to the radio.

En route to work, I switch between the Steve Harvey Morning Show and some local pop radio stations. Every morning, with rare exceptions, the radio shows talk about relationships. The pop radio stations in particular, talk about sex (while Steve Harvey's Strawberry Letters tend to focus more on long term relationships…well, usually one party thinks it's long term while the other thinks it's a fling). When people call and discuss their love, sex, or other relationship issues, I don't think I'm missing much.

“I slept with a married man and got pregnant but he doesn't want to leave his wife for me.”

“I had a great date with this woman but when I tried to call her, she never returns my calls and I don't know what I did wrong.”

“Should I stay in school or go move in overseas with my long distance boyfriend?”

“I was married to a man for 15 years and had two kids with him and he cheated on me.”

“My man's in jail, but he says he's a changed man, and when he gets out he still wants to be together and we have a kid together but I don't know if I should get back with him.”

“I found out my girlfriend has had several dozen sex partners and now I don't know if I want to be with her anymore.”

“I'm a woman and my man won't marry me until I have sex with my best girl friend, and he wants to video it.”

“I don't want to be friends with benefits any more. I want a real relationship with him.”

“I think my boyfriend sexually assaulted my son. I don't know what to do.”

And on and on and on.

Frankly, the drama frightens me. There's a lot of drama out there too. A lot. Some I could never imagine. I'd like to think I'm smart enough and wise enough and have set my standards high enough to avoid the most dramatic drama, but who knows? Who's to say I wouldn't end up in such messes? In some of these situations, the solution of “break up with him/her” seems obvious to me, but I'm an outsider. Do I really understand what's at stake if the couples break up?

I'm hoping that because I am older and my pool of men is older, my future partner and I will be mature and wise enough to not end up like some of the people on the radio. If we do break up, hopefully it won't be as messy, as traumatic as some of these other couples. Breakups are seldom smooth and easy, but if I choose right, at least authorities will not be involved.

Book Review: "Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man"

I know the book is over a year old, but I finally bought a copy and read it in two evenings.

I'm a huge fan of Steve Harvey's morning show, particularly the Strawberry Letters. So I couldn't wait to read the book, thinking Steve would be just as funny and insightful in the book as he is on his show.

Although some parts of the book made me LOL and he did say a few enlightening things (which I'll discuss later), overall, I was a little underwhelmed and wished I hadn't paid full price for the hardcover book. :-P In ALALTLAM, Steve's goal is to shed light on how men really function and think, what motivates them.

As someone who grew up in post-feminist America, some of what he said seemed a little too traditional-gender-roley for me. Steve is from my parent's generation, who generally courted during the 70's. Women's lives have changed a lot over the past 40 years. He talks a lot about "real men" being providers, basically restating the idea that men are supposed to "take care of" women and their families. As other feminists have pointed out, the idea of "men taking care of women" can lead to misogynism and keeps women in a dependent, vulnerable role. SAHM's are no longer the norm. Moms and dads work now. In many ways, especially in such an uncertain economy, the idea of one parent staying at home and not working (by choice) is frankly dangerous. Steve's statement that most men don't mind being the sole provider might have been true for his generation. However, I wonder how many men my age would be 100% okay with mom staying at home full time while he works.

However, although it's true that women's roles are slowly changing, I think boys today are still raised to believe that they will need to be the "provider" and "protector" of their future family. In my line of work, I constantly see parents, particularly parents of African-American boys, telling their boys to "man up," "stop crying like a little girl." Boys are still being socialized to hold in their feelings (which Steve mentions in his book, though he claims it's wired into men's DNA) and be "men." So when he talks about men not being ready for a long term relationship until they have defined "who they are, what they do, and how much money they make," I think that still holds true. I see it amongst my single male friends in their twenties. I've had male friends who were in long term relationships (relationships without sex, by the way), but didn't marry the girl. I wondered why, and reading Steve's book help me see a possible reason why.

He did have some useful tips too, such as 5 questions every woman should ask a man, particularly before she sleeps with him. He also says women should wait "90 days" before they have sex with a guy, to give enough time to figure out if he's worth being intimate with. I have a couple friends who should definitely take that advice! They jump in bed with their guys very quickly. He also tells women to have standards and reminds us that we are really in charge in relationships. We define which way the relationship goes. When a man is really "into" a woman, when he wants more than sex from her, he will follow her terms in a relationship.

So I guess it's not all so revolutionary or new, and definitely not as funny as the Strawberry Letters segment. However, I think it's worth a read if you can excuse his more traditional statements. After all, he's a product of his generation.

I just wouldn't pay $24 for it if I were you.