Friday, November 5, 2010

Look out world, here I come!

Recently, I posted a facebook status saying, "[flamencokitty] needs to learn to go for it." A couple of my friends "liked" it, including a friend who I always saw as assertive, outspoken, someone who already "goes for it." I asked, "How can people as awesome as us be so not proactive?" She responded that she spent a good chunk of her life undermining herself and her abilities, but once she reached her mid-twenties, she began to get over it. So now, she is on her own Project-Get-Out-of-My-Way. She's not perfect at it, but progressing.

I thought that was a fantastic idea!

My facebook status was mainly related to my shyness regarding guys. I don't consider myself shy, except with my crushes. However, I tend to be attracted to the quieter, shier sort. Perhaps instead of sitting around waiting to see if Mr. Shy will ask me out, because I can be assertive, I might need to be the pursuer. I can't worry about whether or not he'll reject me. Isn't knowing for sure that he is not attracted better than being in the gray? I need to get over my self-consciousness (“No, I’m not pretty enough. I’m not his type. I’m not smart enough. He probably doesn’t like me. I’ll look foolish for chasing him…”). At the very least, I need to fight the hesitation more and make my attraction to the guy more obvious. The guy remains Mark right now. That crush waxes and wanes. In idle moments, I run through things he has said or done that make me wonder if the attraction is mutual. However, when a crush hits the "maybe, maybe not," gray area, I obsess and read every little thing as attraction. I don't want this crush to go from fun mental diversion to infatuation.

Upon further reflection, though, I realized that I am also guilty of undermining myself in other situations too. This is my fifth year working in my career, and I'm now starting to feel like less of a beginner. I am actually pretty good at my job. I've even informally begun to mentor others, and the advice I'm giving now is solid (though I of course still turn to more experienced people when I'm stuck too). Also, in dance class, I changed to a class that has more beginners (due to schedule conflicts). I see how far I've come. I'm starting to challenge myself more in class.

It's amazing how it all connects.

I want to do my own version of Project-Get-Out-Of-My-Way, starting in the New Year (a resolution). I'm playing around with different ideas. Doing a new thing every month? Talking to one new guy a month? I don't know yet. But I need to do it. As my young adult group leader told me in Spring, my star is rising. I didn’t believe her until last month. I can't hold my star back. I can't!

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