What should I do with my life?

I've recently joined a Catholic leadership group of sorts, and we've been talking about this question a lot. We've been talking a little about discernment and how we can start to figure out what it is we're supposed to do with our lives. Of course, in addition to thinking about career, or vocation goals of mine, I also wondered about this whole single thing.

On the outside, it might look like I've failed in my dating mission this year. I rarely make it to a date #2 with a guy, and all my "crushes" over the past year have fallen through. Have I really succeeded at all if I'm still single? Yet I feel like I've learned so much about how to date, how men's brains work. I have not obsessed over anyone since December 2009 as I have learned how to tell that a guy does NOT like you. That's a big step for me. I no longer blame a guy not calling me back on him being "too shy." I've stopped fooling myself.

Discernment, by the way, is also about choosing between two goods. I truly don't think to be forever single means one is "doomed." I've never been in a relationship, so I've always kept my plate full. I have great friends, a career, two cats that I adore, my own space, hobbies, travel opportunities... One of speakers said while discerning, pay attention to your affect. When I think about being single or married, how do I "feel?" The thought of being in a longterm relationship, honestly, sometimes frightens me more than being single forever. But although I've seen friends struggle in relationships, I have also seen the beauty and richness of longterm relationships that work.

I don't want to close myself to the possibility of being in a longterm relationship, but not because I think my life will be incomplete if I never find romantic love. It won't. I'm going to be "fully single," and take on all the opportunities I can as a young, single woman.

How to find a nerdy guy

I've been googling this during times when I have nothing better to do, as I am keeping my eyes open for such a man. Although I have never been in a relationship, I think a somewhat dorky or nerdy guy would probably match well with me. I wanted to share some of the tips I found on my searches. Though I plan to try a few out, note that some of the advice was more humorous than helpful.

1) Go to restaurants, the same ones, regularly.
Nerdy guys don't and cannot cook, so they eat out a lot. Also, because they like routine, they tend to frequent the same restaurants.

2) Hang out at "cons."
Comic/Anime cons, Star Trek conventions, video game cons as well as other such sci-fi, technology-ish conventions attract nerdy guys, apparently.

3) Do online dating.
They don't get out much, you know.

4) Try to catch one's eye at the library or bookstore.
I don't know. The library attracts non-nerds too. Students and people who just don't want to pay for books go there.

5) Approach him.
They're too shy and nervous to approach any women, especially one as attractive as you! Well, I'm not one to just go up to guys I find cute. We'll be stuck admiring each other from afar!

6) Join online forums, especially relating to nerdy things.
Again, they seem to have no social skills and do their best communicating online.

7) Go to a technical college.
Too late. I graduated already.

8) Or go to a lecture that's open to the public or take a continuing education adult course at a college.
Nerds are lifelong learners.

9) Hang out at a comic book shop.
Do those still exist? The big chains have manga and comic sections now. I thought they put the comic stores out of business.

10) Hang out at the record shop for a music geek.
One that hasn't closed down, that is.

11) Hang out in the technology section of a store, or even better, a computer store.
If you're into computers and technology, do it. Don't fake being interested in technology.

12) Go to a nice bar.
Nerds like to drink too, but they won't be at the meatmarket.

"Should I stay a virgin until marriage?"

The other night, some non-virgins (who were unaware of my virginity) and I conversed about our love issues, and this question has been front and center for me ever since.

Two of the women were in their forties, one of whom divorced her husband of sixteen years a while back. They mentioned that for them, sexual compatibility was the most important part of relationships. If compatibility were a “pie chart” (as one of them said, and I think the pun was intended), sex took up at least 60% of the pie. The other woman said close to 75%. Now, these are just two women. It made me wonder, though, is this true for most people? They said that from sex comes all else in the relationship, it’s the foundation and glue.

Then where does that leave me? I plan to eliminate the “most important” part of the relationship until marriage (or at least engagement). Is it ridiculous to expect a man to decide to marry me before he sleeps with me? What about me? What if I’m stuck with a man who doesn’t turn me on in bed, until death do us part?

My inner feminist also wondered about the logic behind virginity. Am I just feeding into some idea that for a woman to be “virtuous,” she has to suppress her sexuality? Sexuality, in many ways, gives women a power over men they might not otherwise have. Our sexuality can liberate us. Is virginity really just another way of holding us back?

I don’t feel totally suppressed, at least not always. I took bellydance after all (and might again as my New Year’s Resolution). I’m seldom uncomfortable in conversations about sex. I’ve gone to a sex toy party. I’m not afraid to show some skin. I also know that if I were to have premarital sex, God would forgive me because God is all-forgiving. However, could I forgive myself?

My friend Amy and I have both decided to wait on sex until marriage. We’re like each other’s role models, and if I have premarital sex, I feel like I’ll be letting her down. This is something we’ve been struggling together with since high school. It’s one of the things we bond over. Amy might have no virgin friends left if I leave the V-club. I think that’s one of the main things keeping me a virgin. I don’t want to abandon Amy.

But that night, amongst those women, I felt like a naive little girl. I don’t want a puppy love, kid relationship. I want to be treated like a woman, and that might mean sex.

I’m still not giving the “cookie” to just anyone. If a man and I are in a committed relationship, if it might be going somewhere, maybe I’ll loosen up my stance. I have a right to be picky, but I also have a right to ecstasy.

Saving Money While Single: Food

I decided to take a break from dating posts for a bit and talk about another issue that plagues singles: money. I know married people have money problems too, but at least many married couples are living on two incomes. This summer, due to my part time status, I've had to revert back to the uber-budgeter I was when I lived on a volunteer stipend. Also, because I'm a Vegan, I need to get all the nutrients possible out of everything I eat. So I decided to share some of the ways I save on food and get my vitamins.

1) Eat out less.
-Duh.

2) Embrace the "throw everything in a pot" technique.
-This is especially helpful if you have a lot of things in small quantities to finish: 1/4 head of lettuce, 1/2 cup of rice, 1/2 a tomato, you get the idea. Throw it all together as a stew, casserole, salad, stir fry, or soup.

3) Don't toss marinade liquid.
-Add it to the cooking or use it as a dipping sauce (depending on what you're making).

4) Save water from steaming.
-After you steam veggies, save the water and add it to something else later. There are vitamins in there! Use it for boiling rice, add it to sauce, pour it on whatever you're cooking, etc.

5) Blanch and freeze veggies (instead of letting them rot in the fridge).
-Blanching means “placing in boiling hot water briefly.” You can google how long to blanch each kind of vegetable. Throw the veggies in ice cold water, then throw them in the freezer (in a freezer bag of course).

6) Invest in a crock pot.
-Goes along with the "throw everything in a pot" technique, and I found mine at a thrift store (new!). This is especially good for cooking beans. They are also useful for busy people in general. Throw everything in the pot in the morning and when you return from work, dinner!

7) Save water from soaking nuts.
-I soak nuts for making "cheese" and vegan pesto mainly, but then I use the water in something else (like baked goods or oatmeal).

8) Use the last slices of bread
-I used to hate those last two slices of bread that were the ends of the loaf. But now I know you can soak them, blend them and add them to soup to make a creamy sop (that's what they did in the Middle Ages, sans blender). Also, they can be used as breadcrumbs.

9) Whole Foods' bulk foods
-Whole Foods sells lots of stuff in bulk: beans, teas, flours, nuts, granola, spices, etc. You can just buy what you need, which is especially useful for spices.

10) Don't toss brown bananas!
-Put them in the freezer to eat later as a healthy frozen treat. You could also use them instead of eggs in baked goods (and not just banana bread).

Essentially, “waste not, want not” is what I try to follow with food.

Review: "Why Mr. Right Can't Find You" by JM Kearns

While searching for dating books online, this title kept popping up. I wanted to read this just because of the title. Overall, I love it!

The section that especially grabbed my attention is Kearns' section on compatibility. One of my issues is I'm not so sure what I want. Does it matter if he likes stand-up comedy and pop music like me? Do I really need to look for someone who is my intellectual match? Should I skip over online profiles if I don't find him physically attractive? Well, yes. Kearns specifies what things to pay attention to when figuring out compatibility. One question I love: Can you go on a road trip with this person? Good point. If we have very dissimilar taste in music, what will we listen to on an eight hour road trip?

After reading this book, I did some journaling about my ideal man, with new insights. Before I started dating, I was picky about the wrong things. Once I tried to date, I became un-picky about the wrong things. Now, I feel like I have a better picture of my Mr. Right.

I also have a better idea of how to help Mr. Right find me. Like many other dating sites and books, Kearns says women should be outgoing and we should give a man a signal that it's okay for him to come talk to us (like by smiling). He also challenged my plan to avoid bars, but made a valid argument. Lots of men go to bars, and they aren't all dogs. Seek out more grownup bars or even the bar in a nice restaurant.

What I love most of all, though, is the overarching philosophy of the book. There are lots of guys who will like you just as you are. Also, he challenges us to get rid of the whole "Destiny," thing, as in, "There is only ONE Mr. Right for me and I just need to sit and wait for my prince to come." Although I believe in monogamy and that God has a role to play in matching us up, at the same time, the "there is only ONE man for me" belief is problematic. Billions of people live on this planet, millions in my city. There are probably many men who would match with me. I believe in free will, not fate. God lets us choose which direction we wish to take with our life. I don't believe God plays games like this with us: "Let's see if you can find the ONE man I made for you. I won't tell you who he is or how to find him, but if you don't choose him, you're screwed! Muahaha!" Instead, I think that God already has plenty of good choices for me. Even if I decide not to pair with any, I don't believe God will doom me to an incomplete, meaningless life. What's the point of free will, after all?

Anyway, yes, I recommend it. Yes you must read this if you're single. This will be my new dating manual.

"So why don't I have a boyfriend?" Improve thyself first

After my blah date with Lou yesterday, I decided to google that question, just to see what "advice" comes up. Several search results featured teenagers asking that question, which further added to my feeling of being "behind" everyone else! There were some recurring themes in the answers. Some included the usual, "be more outgoing," "be more flirty," "be less shy," "get out and meet people." However, another tip that kept appearing was basically, "Focus on YOU and your life."

I like to think I am an introspective person, aware of my strengths and weaknesses, always trying to improve myself. Here's the thing, though. Learning about oneself and improving oneself is a lifelong process. You never finish figuring out who you are and what you're about. Many people don't even come close to figuring that out before their middle years, 40-years-old and older. I know plenty of people in relationships who haven't begun trying to figure out "who they are" or are currently struggling with that question. If I waited until I "knew myself" before I sought a relationship, well, I would never seek a relationship! I have been "working on me" my whole life, but no man seems to want to jump on board with my life. So that advice isn't helpful for me.

However, one other piece of advice that I do think is helpful is "go out and meet people," but perhaps not through the typical means. Watching Tyra's show on Friday (hey, sometimes I like trash TV), further confirmed my belief that going to bars is a bad way for an introverted or shy person to find love. They interviewed a 23-year-old woman who never had a boyfriend and sent her off to a bar with a professional "wingwoman." It was clear that the girl was nervous when the wingwoman went away. The girl was not at her best in a bar. SO WHY PUT HER IN A BAR? Put her in a situation where she is comfortable, where she can shine. She totally seemed like a sweet girl, like she'd make a good girlfriend (and she was pretty).

I think I'm on the right track in terms of joining classes and clubs that I like in order to meet more people (especially guys). That way, the focus is not on socializing but on the task. You don't feel like you're "on stage," but you'll probably be showing off some of your best qualities. I'm already an amazing person, but I can't be an amazing person in a bar or "singles event." Perhaps I can't be amazing on a completely blind date either, where I don't know how not to turn the conversation into a job interview. I need to put myself in situations where I can show off my awesomeness, and therefore attract a guy who just might be compatible with me.

getting their act together

I got a phone call tonight for yet another elove referral. Rats. Now they are actually sending me dates. The guy is named Lou. He already got a letter about me in the mail but I haven`t received one for him, so the phone call was a surprise. He sounds a bit old. And he`s out in the burbs, but at least he will drive into the city for me. I still am on a high from Mark too, though l know he is probably not into me. Still, I just can`t trust elove. Hopefully the hour date won`t be totally dull. Let`s see how well they responded to my feedback.