Tuesday, September 7, 2010

"Should I stay a virgin until marriage?"

The other night, some non-virgins (who were unaware of my virginity) and I conversed about our love issues, and this question has been front and center for me ever since.

Two of the women were in their forties, one of whom divorced her husband of sixteen years a while back. They mentioned that for them, sexual compatibility was the most important part of relationships. If compatibility were a “pie chart” (as one of them said, and I think the pun was intended), sex took up at least 60% of the pie. The other woman said close to 75%. Now, these are just two women. It made me wonder, though, is this true for most people? They said that from sex comes all else in the relationship, it’s the foundation and glue.

Then where does that leave me? I plan to eliminate the “most important” part of the relationship until marriage (or at least engagement). Is it ridiculous to expect a man to decide to marry me before he sleeps with me? What about me? What if I’m stuck with a man who doesn’t turn me on in bed, until death do us part?

My inner feminist also wondered about the logic behind virginity. Am I just feeding into some idea that for a woman to be “virtuous,” she has to suppress her sexuality? Sexuality, in many ways, gives women a power over men they might not otherwise have. Our sexuality can liberate us. Is virginity really just another way of holding us back?

I don’t feel totally suppressed, at least not always. I took bellydance after all (and might again as my New Year’s Resolution). I’m seldom uncomfortable in conversations about sex. I’ve gone to a sex toy party. I’m not afraid to show some skin. I also know that if I were to have premarital sex, God would forgive me because God is all-forgiving. However, could I forgive myself?

My friend Amy and I have both decided to wait on sex until marriage. We’re like each other’s role models, and if I have premarital sex, I feel like I’ll be letting her down. This is something we’ve been struggling together with since high school. It’s one of the things we bond over. Amy might have no virgin friends left if I leave the V-club. I think that’s one of the main things keeping me a virgin. I don’t want to abandon Amy.

But that night, amongst those women, I felt like a naive little girl. I don’t want a puppy love, kid relationship. I want to be treated like a woman, and that might mean sex.

I’m still not giving the “cookie” to just anyone. If a man and I are in a committed relationship, if it might be going somewhere, maybe I’ll loosen up my stance. I have a right to be picky, but I also have a right to ecstasy.


  1. I've never understood the reasoning behind remaining a virgin until marriage. Is it purely religious? I would agree with the girls you were talking to, I couldn't marry someone if I didn't know what our sex life was going to be like. I wouldn't agree to a sex-less relationship either. Not saying I would jump into bed with anybody. I simply would feel under far too must pressure if marriage and sex were interlinked for him. I want him to find me sexually attractive for who I am, not because I am his.

  2. For me it's mostly religious.To go into all the religious reasons would require more than a comment box! However, in "brief," it comes from a belief that the sexual act is the closest one can get to physically experiencing the love of God, and therefore is best expressed in the holy sacrament of marriage. This is because in marriage, two people have joined into a holy covenant, a living witness to God's love in the world, their covenant, their perpetual devotion to each other parallels God's covenant, God's perpetual love and devotion to us. So in the Catholic church, we're taught that sex is for married people, not singles. I also just don't want to get pregnant or want an STD :-P, but I recognize both of those can be avoided via protection. I also don't want to be used or only desired for my "cookie." I don't want to be reduced to only a pleasure vessel for a man. The body falls apart eventually, and I don't want a man to run away just because my body doesn't sexually please him anymore. Also, should the consequence of a child come along, I want to make sure my partner is in a relationship with me for the long haul. It's easier to find younger guys who are willing to wait though, not guys closer to my age or older. So unless I can find a male virgin around my age whom I'm also attracted to, I recognize that I may have set myself up for never obtaining a longterm relationship.

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  4. Hello flamencokitty,
    I'm in same state as you. But it gives a light of hope and joy to find out that virgin girls like you still exist and believe in what God wants... This joy has shut me out of words, but just let you know, there are still equal virgin males like me that still stands for what you stand for - though we virgins(males/females) are in the minority now and are way-way out-numbered but somehow -- somehow, ... ... we're still there.
    For me, (after a hard long journey which i can't explain here), I can boldy say that (1) I know all (and I mean ALL) that there is to sex - trust me (2) My body now is so soft, tender & hyper-sensitive to the point that i conciously avoid having contact with females, NOT because of me but for their sake because a mere 9 seconds contact with my skin can sometimes send them into over-drive even if i'm just meeting her for the first time! (talking from personal experience); I sometimes don't delibrately touch with my hands - No! too risky (except i'm sure there's no threat on my defence) LoL. But if i want to, i can condition my blood pressure in a way so that they ONLY need to find a way to rest their body on my arm, leg, thigh, feet back of hand etc for say 6 - 11 seconds, thats all, what happens after is beyond the scope of this blog. A sample place i sometimes can't help the occurence of this is in a Public Bus. Some of my female friends are aware of this my body behaviour and the naughty ones sometimes attempt to take advantage of it.
    In all, STILL, to the glory of God, I'm a 28 year old male virgin, a genuine christian (born-again) and intend to be so until after marriage. But to find the female that believe in what I believe is the problem, and i've resolved to prayers and God's leading for this... The BIGGEST challenge for all virgins is this: meeting the compactible person that believes in what they stand for, know what they know or more (like me) and yet disciplined, God fearing and Loves them genuinely within and without... ... ... God help us.

  5. Thanks for reading, Michael. Your comment shows that even virgins have a "sexuality" of sorts. We still have sensations, physical experiences with our bodies, though we haven't engaged in intercourse.

    Yes, God help us!

  6. Flamencokitty, it's very worth it to keep your virginity for it goes beyond religious virtue. As a person who got duped into loosing his purity, I can say from the other side that after lost it I felt very used because of my ex-girl friend(who was horrible). I something that was for my future wife was taken away by weakness and manipulation. I know it's not a fantastic answer but, in the long run for the man that he has for you please keep your virginity. You'll stay connected to the one you truely love deeply in that way.