Hard Truths

Recently, I attended a baseball game with my young adult group. Within our section were other groups affiliated with the diocese. In front of me were two gentlemen near my age I never met. I paid no mind to them, but the young adult group leader, who was sitting next to me, said that she sold a ticket to one of them, "Al." She was comparing the two men and said that Al was cuter. I agreed, but I honestly hadn't checked them out before she commented. Al was sort of a cross between Chace Crawford and David Cook. Moreso Chace. Then she mentioned that he and I had the same occupation. I gave some sort of reply, and thought "Oh boy, now she's playing matchmaker." Another young man sat with Al and his friend. My young adult leader again whispered that she thought Al was the still cutest of the three. I agreed and she added, "Those other two look like nerds." I responded, "Well if they're nerds, those are probably my choices!" One resembled this guy, but with brownish black hair.

From there, the conversation basically continued with her saying that I shouldn't settle for one of the nerds and I replied that in adolescence, you figure out who your choices are, and guys as cute as Al don't go for women like me. She asked, "Well, haven't you moved on from adolescence?" I said that I have, but others haven't.

A recent show on Discovery Channel talked about attraction and how humans select mates. People generally go for people equal in attractiveness as themselves. Also, in adolescence, you learn by trial and error where you rank in terms of attractiveness. Guys as cute as Al have never been interested in me. The only guys who have been were, well, nerds...like me...

It's a hard truth to face: I know some guys are out of my league. Yes, sometimes oogly guys marry beautiful girls, but I never see men date women less attractive than them. It's not that I don't think I deserve an attractive man, but I'm not naive. I know a little bit about how men function despite never being in a relationship! I know I'm not a "ten." I know I'm the nerdy "girl next door." I know that it's a waste of time going after Chace Crawford-looking boys. They won't date me, and why would they when they figured out they could get someone prettier? Nevermind my great personality traits, nevermind the qualities I have that are important for good girlfriends. If there is no sexual attraction, then I'm just a friend.

Some (meaning a couple coworkers of mine) might argue that maybe I should work harder, girl-ify myself more. Dress sexier, wear makeup, dye and perm my hair, flirt more, get contacts, show off more skin, and then maybe I would get more attractive guys (or more guys period). I'm not good at pretending to be someone I'm not, and what's the point of putting on an act? It'll be a hard reality check when I reveal that I'm actually a makeup-less, four-eyed, khaki and cardigan nerd girl. By the way, I understand I need to dress nice on dates (and have some revealing clothes), and I do own some makeup and high heels for special occasions! But that's not daily.

My young adult leader did go on to say that sometimes people are all looks, no substance. We really didn't know anything about any of the three guys. I concurred that that's usually true :-P . She said she still would try to invite him to a young adult meeting. I'm not holding my breath.

"How to be more attractive to guys"

My inner, independent feminist is ashamed to admit that I did google this recently. I did this because upon reading the little that's out there about men putting women in the friend zone, I found out that the main reason men "friend zone" women is apparently because they don't find them attractive. The stereotype is men care the most about looks and women care the most about confidence.

I think I'm cute, but I recognize that I don't fit the magazine images of women. Well, I don't know any woman who looks like a supermodel, but I certainly am not as "girly" as some of my friends. I don't wear heels or makeup often. I don't have long hair. I usually dress modestly. I'm a bit of a "girl next door" type. So I began to wonder if I'm too much "cute" and not enough "sexy."

Well most of the resources were kind of inane and many were so unfeminist. Actually, a lot of the suggestions for "how to attract guys" I already knew. My inner feminist is not cool about the idea of sexing myself up just to catch a man. However, there was one suggestion I liked, and I actually found this out back in 7th grade but never jumped on this truth. Not surprisingly, I was not a "catch" in junior high. Who wants a goody-goody nerd that doesn't put out? Well on the day of our field trip to an opera, I decided to wear a red velour dress. It wasn't exceptionally revealing, but you could see my legs from the knees down and it was red. I got many compliments that day from junior high boys. I couldn't believe dorky me was getting male attention!

More than ten years later, I'm googling "how to attract guys" and what keeps popping up? "Wear red." I took a peek at my wardrobe and realized that I have very little red. So I went on a bit of a spree this weekend looking for red clothes (specifically deep reds and burgundy).

Now, I'm not convinced that suddenly I'll have men falling at my feet and asking for my number if I dress in red. However, I will say that when I tried on a red dress, I felt sexier. When I gazed upon myself in a fancy red dress, I said, "Damn!" I held my head (and chest) a little higher.

Maybe it's the attitude is most important anyway. I bought a casual red dress and a fancy one as well as a red blouse. In them, I wanted to flirt. I felt womanly. Maybe that's what really will make all the difference.