What are good vibrators for virgins?

So I finally have been playing around with my "Stats" tag on blogger. I discovered that quite a bit of you have been visiting my post regarding whether or not a vibrator can de-flower you. Well, if that's what the public wants...

FYI I did also blog about lessons I've learned from the toy, in case you're interested. But I also wanted to share some of the tips I learned about buying a vibrator.

Firstly, you can buy the toys at adult toy shops or online. Online will often have a bigger selection, but I wanted to go in person because I wanted one IMMEDIATELY. My mailbox also isn't secure, and I certainly did not want the package mailed to my mother!

If you're comfortable, you can also ask the salespeople questions, like "How should I clean this?" They won't care how kinky your questions are. Seriously. Look where they work...

Especially if you're a virgin, be conservative with the size you choose for your first toy. Don't get a rabbit, no matter how cool it looks. It'll probably hurt!

For virgins and other vibe beginners, rule of thumb, or maybe rule of fingers, is that whatever vibrator you get should be about the same width as your middle and index finger put together. Kinda like a fat tampon.

"Bullet" type vibrators are usually a good choice for virgins. An adjustable speed is very nice too. If you plan to play in the tub, waterproof ones are available too.

With lubricant, water-based is usually the best option for most materials. Yes, you will need lube. For real. If you aren't sure which to get, ask a salesperson.

Those tips seemed to work well for me, though now I think I am ready to "upgrade..."

Do you have any other tips for toys? Any recommendations? Feel free to share here or tweet me @flamencokitty.

Image: Salvatore Vuono / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

How much is too much on OkCupid?

I recently read a blog post by SingleGalNYC about some of her online dating woes, particularly when it comes to "small talk" on OkCupid. I still struggle with figuring out how much is too much in their "You should message me if," section.

On the one hand, one of the things I can't stand on online profiles is vagueness. It drives me nuts when guys, I suppose in an act of desperation, say "If you like anything in my profile, hit me up." So on my profile, I say some of the things I'm looking for in a guy.

But how much should I say?

I don't go as far as saying what I want my ideal man to look like, what kind of home he should have or how much money he should be making. But I never know for sure if I'm also "preventing the chemistry from unfolding." Are guys turned off by a woman who is explicit in her dealbreakers?

But then again, do I want a guy who gets so bothered by someone who knows what she wants? After all, it doesn't bother me when a guy is specific about who should message him.

Perhaps the best thing, in the end, is just to be who I am. My ideal matches, after all, won't be frightened away by a woman who says five things she is looking for in a guy. He'll say, "Hey, that sounds like me," and drop me a hello.

Image: kanate / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Follow me on twitter @flamencokitty

Why I can't be a consecrated virgin

Pledge to stay a virgin for life? Are you kidding me?

I came across an article about consecrated virgins from July 2011. It wasn't my first time hearing about these women. A fellow virgin friend of mine told me about them a few years ago. She recommended I consider whether or not God is calling me to the life of a consecrated virgin.

I considered it...for about thirty seconds. No. Thank. You

Now of course, there is always the possibility that I will remain a virgin for life anyway because I have no luck with guys, apparently. Becoming a consecrated virgin also isn't the same as becoming a nun. When you're a nun, you have to go wherever your superiors tell you go and do follow the mission of your order. Consecrated virgins can still live their old life, minus dating.

Still, I don't want to close off possibilities completely! I don't know if I'm being called to a romantic relationship, but I'm not feeling the lifelong, voluntary virginity. What if I finally meet a Mr. Right after "marrying" Jesus? What to do, then?

Besides, although I'm technically a virgin, I have a "toy." I know you don't have to be little Miss Perfect and Pure to be a nun. I've know nuns that have cussed, talked about cute guys and didn't dress like school marms all the time. Still, I would have a really hard time ignoring all my biological urges for life. It's not okay for a consecrated virgin or nun to own an adult toy. Masturbation is a sin in the Catholic Church.

I wish all the consecrated virgins the best. I hope that their relationship with God and Jesus is strengthened because of their choice. However, although consecrated virginity is opening their world, it would close mine.

Image: Sura Nualpradid / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Where the single boys at?

I had neglected my mission to go to bars by myself, but recently started up again. I don’t know if I’m picking the wrong bars, the wrong times, or both, but for some reason, I am not running into many young, single guys. At all the bars I’ve gone to, the majority of young men there were with girls.

Apparently, I’m going at the “date hour,” or something.

So, I posted a status update to facebook asking where young single guys go. Two people, only one of whom was a girl, responded. I wish more of my guy friends would have jumped in but oh well. I’m not so sure this is the most inclusive list, but here are my friends’ answers:

-serious sports bars

-a place where I’m likely to be the only female, like golf clubs, boating clubs or craft brew bars

-ski trip

-improv shows

-cougar bars

-sporting events

-barbecues

Is that about right? Are there other places that single guys, who are over 25 and under 35, frequent? Where the young, single guys at?

By the way, you can now stalk, er, follow me on twitter @flamencokitty

Mission Boudoir: Adding a Bit of Bettie Page

 I'd like to give a shout-out to eBay, especially the eBay stores. They are still my favorite source for cheap posters and prints that I can't find easily in real life.

It's easy to find Marilyn memorabilia.  She's everywhere.  But Bettie?  I have to go online to find her, or at least to find a selection of her.

I work part-time over Summer, so I don't have as much disposable income as during the rest of the year. But I had enough money in PayPal to treat myself to a "sexual totem."  I have moved my goofy tchotchkes from the top of my room's book shelf and replaced them with Bettie, candles, and pretty empty wine bottles.

My camera phone doesn't really do my display justice, but you get the idea.

There were so many prints I liked! However, since people sometimes come to visit me, and one of the entrances to my apartment goes through my room, don't ask why, I didn't want to make any guests uncomfortable with a pic of Bettie in her underoos, rolling off a knee-high nylon.  

I mean, I knew it would be in my room, but still.

I thought the print was still sexy, fun, and matched my idea of female sexuality. She's also clad-enough that I don't think anyone who passes through my room, should they notice her, will be weirded out. Dad recently stopped by to feed the kitties when I went out of town, and he didn't ask about it.

By the way, the candles smell all musky and earthy. Of course they are soy candles and locally made by Scented Seasons. Yes, I know you can't smell the candles online, but if you live in Illinois or Northwest Indiana, perhaps they will be coming to a farmer's market or fair near you.

And no, they didn't pay me to plug them.

The scents I got were Happy Hippie, Woodstock, and Earth Angel. They're all basically sandalwood with some other stuff. Happy Hippie is my favorite.

So in terms of the five senses, I've got smell and have begun sight.  Hopefully, the next change will be touch with soft, more-than-200-count-thread bedsheets...

Mission Boudoir: Making brown romantic

As part of my project to get more "bad girl totems," I am tackling my bedroom. I truly believe that your home is more than the place where you sleep and store your food. It is a physical manifestation of you. The bedroom is the sexuality center of the home. Besides the bathroom, it is the most private, most intimate space. This is where sexuality reaches it's climax. It is therefore, the representation, the manifestation, of your sexuality.

Or so I like to think.

Anyway, I've taken an interest in boudoirs lately. I love the idea of a private, girly space that is only for the woman of the house (and whoever she chooses to invite). A place to relax, get pretty, and be sexy. Most women who live with someone else just don't have the space to have their own boudoir separate from the bedroom they share with their mate. The nice thing about living by myself is my bedroom can be my boudoir. I must take advantage of this opportunity.

Even though I think my room is cute, it does not scream "sex." I ask myself, "If I had a man, would I want to bring him in here?" I mean, I know most men probably could care less if the bedroom looks like a boudoir, but do I feel sexy in this space?

The main issue I have right now with my room is the color scheme. Because I rent, I cannot change the wall colors. Three walls are beige and one is chocolate brown. Currently, the color scheme of my fabrics are basically brown, aqua/turquoise, and light green. It's kind of like this.



The color scheme isn't bad. I think I did a good job with buying linens that "go" together. That color scheme is quite popular, actually. It was easy for me to find stuff that was brown-blue-green. But it's not sexy. Not to me anyway. My senses don't really awaken when I walk in my bedroom. I don't feel a rush. My inner sex kitten just keeps right on napping.

And when I look at pictures of "boudoirs," I don't see a whole lot of brown.












Well I can't paint the walls into a hot amber or jewel tone, which is what I really want. I can't even paint white walls that I could dress up with hot, fiery accessories. But I had no idea how to make brown "sexy."

And then I found some inspiration.










So in order to make brown sensual...

1) Use "warm" colored, dim lighting (especially candles). Think shades of yellow.
.
2) Add accessories with deep, dark red.

3) Add gold.

4) Think "rock," like a Greek temple or Turkish bath (marble, stone furniture or accents).

Now I don't feel so limited, or feel like my room will forever be just "cute." I don't need to wait until I buy a condo and paint the walls whatever I want. I can have my boudoir, even with brown walls.

Being a childfree Catholic

This has been heavy on my mind lately. I don’t talk much about why I don’t want kids because there is already a plethora of blogs, forums and websites that address “childfreedom.” My childfreedom and sexuality are connected though, so it isn’t completely outside the scope of this blog.

It would be inaccurate to say I never ever wanted kids. In high school, I told Mom I would have up to four kids. I even had names picked out for my “future” children. I remember talking about what kinds of toys I would buy, what kind of house I would live in, what I would do with the kids when I got sick of them: “Go outside and don’t come back in until dark!”

Looking back, though, I realize that there is a difference between “planning” for something and “wanting” something. Even though I had some Hallmark images of what being a parent would be like, pregnancy frightened and disgusted me. I also knew there was always the possibility that my kids could grow up to be psychopaths. It rubbed me the wrong way whenever someone said, “The most womanly thing you can do is have a baby,” though at the time, I did not understand why it bothered me…

Growing up, parenthood was never presented as optional, especially not in a Catholic context. If you got married, you had kids, unless something was wrong with your body.

In my mind, sex, marriage and children were all intertwined. The Catholic Church teaches that sex has two functions: building the bond of a married (heterosexual) couple and reproduction. Essentially, sex isn’t fully “sex” unless it is fun for the couple and open to procreation, hence why it should only be done in marriage. Children are supposed to be the physical manifestation/representation of a married couple’s love for each other. So my previous goal was not to marry until I was ready to have kids. Therefore, I did not want to start dating seriously until I was ready to get married. So I really couldn’t start dating until I was ready for kids.

After some extensive soul-searching in my mid-twenties, I realized I will never be “ready” for kids. My life decisions were not leading me to parenthood, and I really wasn’t keen on the idea of being a mom after all. I had become a “fencesitter” in my early twenties. In my mid-twenties, I gladly placed myself on the “childfree” side of the fence.

Right after I came to this realization, I went to a friend’s wedding. During the reception, the priest started talking about the couple’s future family. I thought, “That will never be me up there. I will never get married, because I am never having kids.”

A couple months later, though, I read an article in a local newspaper about married couples who chose not to have kids. I thought, “You can do that?” That idea captured my imagination.

The thought of being married to a man and raising kids with him was weird, uncomfortable, scary, strange, even nauseating. But to just be married to a man, to have all the years of marriage be like everyone else’s “early years of marriage, before the kids were born,” that sounded exciting! Soon after I read that article, I made online dating profiles.

So my childfreedom is actually what motivated me to date. I no longer saw kids as necessary to marriage. Of course, this does not fly in the Catholic (or perhaps any) Church. Human sterilization is actually a “mortal sin” (though you can actually still get married despite being sterilized) and a Catholic marriage has to be open to children. So how do I survive in this Church?

As pro-natal as the Church is, the Church also recognizes the many gifts of single people. Many Catholic saints neither married nor had kids, and the Church points to them as examples of how we should live. Also, because I live in a major Catholic city, I have choices for parishes. I previously attended a parish that mainly held events for families with children and senior citizens. They had nothing for single young adults (without kids). I now attend a parish with a high young adult population. It hosts events for young adults weekly. There is actually a middle-aged married couple who joins in the activities too, and they have no kids. I never asked them why they had no kids, but it inspires me. They found a place. I can too.