going alone

I amended my New Year's resolution to going to someplace alone once per week and meeting a new group of people once per month. Although the idea of going to so many things alone and seeing upwards of twelve new groups of people in a year seemed a bit intimidating, so far, it's been fun!

Some things I have done alone:

-Gone to documentary screenings that were followed by discussion ("Forks Over Knives," "The World According to Monsanto," and "The End of the Line")

-Attended a fundraiser at a bar for an animal shelter

-Participated in my parish's young adult trivia night at a pub

-Took dance lessons with the same young adult group

-Caught up on some reading at a coffeeshop

-Mingled with new people at my other young adult group's biweekly meeting

So after several weeks of busyness, I chose to chill out this week, spending Monday, Tuesday (and tonight) at home! It's been nice to just exercise, veg out, cuddle with my cats and actually play a Wii game besides Wii Fit!

Have any new dates come from these excursions? No. Although I've been enjoying myself so much that I sometimes forget my other objective of staying alert for guys. Of course, when I am on the lookout, I only notice coupled guys checking me out, or old men. Not old like 35 years old. Old like wrinkles and gray hair. Ugh. There are few single guys at any of the things I attend. It's hard not to think that all the men my age aren't taken. Where are the single guys?

I have been lax about okcupid too, although a guy I messaged a couple weeks ago, B, finally responded. Apparently he's been crazy busy too. I looked at his profile again as I couldn't remember why he piqued my interest!

As long as I'm doing something I enjoy, I don't feel lonely in a crowd, and I'm not afraid to go alone. I already go to so many things alone as a single person anyway: laundromat, book club, grocery store, car, gas station, church, work, library, doctor, vet, dentist. I didn't understand why I initially felt a little nervous about doing fun stuff alone. I'd rather attend a Vegan documentary by myself than go to a big party with a friend. Not sure why those two things feel so different. Maybe because I like documentaries about the environment and really dislike big parties, so much that even going with my best friend doesn't help.

Perhaps putting myself in all these places, with all these new people, will bring guys my way. But if not, at least I'm having fun in the meantime.

how to be surrounded by beauty

I love beautiful things. Who doesn't, right?

I'm a big Francophile and have a friend who's an Anglophile, and we often discuss how we wished we lived across the Atlantic. Next to my hometown, Paris is my favorite city, and I've been missing it lately. So I was looking at pictures of French-style apartments. Man, they're beautiful.


Ah, Spring. I could just sit and eat here for hours.



I could spend an entire Saturday playing with this "mood board."



And I'm not really a Coco Chanel fan, but her sitting room is the shiz. I think she might become one of my favorite women from history.


Now, I also am a fan of chic, modern interiors along the lines of IKEA.



Still not sure how to reconcile the two in my own apartment. It's looking more IKEA due to my budget! But Amelie's apartment seems like a good mix of what I like in home decor.



As I spent my lunch break looking at beautiful interiors from French and French-ish apartments, I reflected on my online dating struggles. I just don't find many men online attractive...at all. Or I'll find a man who is attractive to me, but then I think, "Oh, he wouldn't like a girl like me." Yes, I should just go for the guy, message him, but I don't. I get one or two messages per week from guys. Usually they're completely not what I want, but once in a while, the profile information looks good. However, I just don't find the man attractive, and I feel guilty, shallow. If the unattractive man wrote a real message to me, I respond anyway, but then end with, "Good luck in your search!" That's my indirect way of saying, "Not interested." On the one hand, beauty is skin deep, personality is more important than looks. So even though I don't like shaved heads, full beards, cornrows, Bob Marley dreads, Coogi, flannel, blonde hair, overweight builds, I try to look past all that when viewing a profile,

But I still like beauty, including beautiful men...

like Johnny Depp. Even with that nasty, cancer-inducing cigarette, which would turn me off "normal" men, he's gorgeous!

Now I know not every man looks like Johnny Depp. It's really not fair to judge normal man's beauty against Johnny, for whom there is no equal. I don't look like a sexpot either, although one person at work calls me, "Halle Berry." It's nice to be called Halle Berry instead of Tia and Tamera for once!

I realize, though, that I need to be honest with myself. I can't help whom I'm attracted to. I keep race, body type, hair color and height open, but now I wonder if maybe I should narrow that too. One of the issues with my last two dates was I really didn't find them that attractive online, but they were "attractive enough." Then there was no spark in real life. I had no desire to rip off their clothes. I thought maybe I should give the guys a second date, maybe the spark would just be delayed...

But then I go to Mass and the young man who gave me Communion set my heart racing after a 2 second interaction. :-P I haven't seen him at Mass since, darnit. It reminded me of what that spark is supposed to feel like. He didn't look like Johnny Depp, by the way, but there was something about the voice, the look, the eyes, the hair, and it was the same combo that has lit my inner "fire" before.

And anyway, I'm not magazine-hot, but I'm not ugly. Why shouldn't I have a man who is beautiful (to me) inside...and out?

What guys should not do online...

D and I had a conversation about this a couple weeks ago. After clicking through too many profiles of men on okcupid and plentyoffish the past few days, I have to vent about some of the wrong things men are doing.

1) Posting pictures of themselves with other girls.
- D told me he did this because he thought that showing him with other girls would make him look like quite a catch. All these other girls like him, so why wouldn't I? When he was getting no attention, he took the pictures of himself with other girls down. Maybe that works with some girls, but when I see a pic of a man surrounded by girls, I think, "Competition." I don't want to share, and I'm not about to compete with pretty girls for a guy.

2) Not smiling in profile pictures.
-Is this supposed to make men look tough, or suave, or manly? It looks scary, cold and unapproachable. I guess some girls are turned on by the, thuggish, "whassup," semi-frowny face. I pass right over that.

3) Topless pics.
-If all you want is sex, then go ahead and post topless pics, because that's all I think you want. Does that actually get guys more attention? From what kind of ladies? I roll my eyes and move on. You think your body is that hot that you need to show it off to the world? Egomaniac.

4) Pictures of themselves in costume, especially a mask.
-What are you hiding? I want to see you! This is especially bad when it's the only picture.

5) Photos with digital effects and none of their real face.
-Are they trying to show off their graphic design skills? I want to see your actual face, not a pixelated version of it.

6) Posting pictures of celebrity lookalikes as the profile pic.
-Why start off lying? What's wrong with your face? Why won't you show it?

7) Trying too hard to sound smart.
-Just talk like yourself, please (although I guess if you're a phD student, perhaps you would be using a lot of big words). Yes some girls and I do want an educated man, but you don't have to show off ALL the multisyllabic words you learned in college. When you're smart, it just comes through naturally, without you trying to sound that way.

8) Saying something like, "Well, I don't know if this'll really work, but I'll give this online thing a shot," or "I'm skeptical about this."
-Some of us do take online dating seriously. This is insulting.

9) Being negative
-"Don't IM me if all you want is sex." "Don't bring your drama." "All the women on online dating are liars." STFU!
*I know I am being negative in this post too, but I'm not saying this on my online dating profile. I do keep it positive there.

10) Being not-specific and saying something like, "anyone can email me if anything in my profile interested you"
-Tell me what you want. Do you want a nerd? A sporty girl? A partier? A drinker? A non-drinker? Religious? Non-religious? No, you don't have to give an entire checklist but give me some idea. I don't want to waste my time composing a message to you if I am nothing like what you want.

revising the resolution

My New Year's Resolution was to go to bars by myself (starting with once per month and working up to once per week) as well as meeting one new group of people every month.

Sadly, I did not fulfill this month’s bar goal. However, I went on three dates and to several meetups! I attended a Vegan meetup, a gamer meetup and went to two documentary screenings. I'm going to a dance lesson hosted by a young adult group tomorrow. February, despite a life-halting blizzard at the month's beginning, turned out to be busy.

Although I didn't fulfill the bar goal for the month, I think I did manage to "put myself out there!”

Am I any closer to being in a relationship? No. But more importantly, I'm in a good place mentally, emotionally, spiritually. I had a lot of fun this month too, despite not getting further than date #2 with anyone. I enjoyed my date with M over Valentine's Day weekend, yet I felt no sparks toward him, alas. He's a good catch too (if he's telling the truth that is...). He seemed to be more interested in me than I in him. Thankfully, he hasn't called since our salsa date on Monday.

By the way, I did go on a date with my favorite, D, over the weekend, but he turned out to be a let-down in person. I know everyone has baggage, but I can't do a Debbie-downer who's in a kinda-sorta long distance relationship with a kinda-sorta ex right now…

I thought I might need to revise my resolution given the events of February. According to the original plan, I should have gone to a bar alone twice in February and three times in March. Well, I might have to stick to once a month until further notice. Weekly might have to wait until summer, when I have more time. Now, I usually don't feel like going anywhere after dark.

Something I have abandoned in the cold weather is going out to eat and reading at cafes alone. I stopped at a coffeeshop last week to read a book because my computer, TV, and so forth distracted me from reading. Winter turns introverted me into a hermit. But I enjoyed change of scenery, reading at a coffeeshop.

So maybe instead of working my way up to a weekly bar visit, I should work toward going somewhere alone once per week. That's a goal I can fulfill, and I won't feel bad about not going specifically to a bar or meetup every week, every month.

The goal for March, then? Go somewhere alone three times. Next week will be number one: I'm going to a "walking" meetup where we just walk around a particular neighborhood for a few hours. This will be a meetup which I never attended, and might provide opportunities for "first dates." I just have to remember to talk to people other than middle aged women!

what's so great about being a virgin?

Valentine's Day was good for me. I didn't wallow in bitterness and jealousy. I didn't cringe when I saw couples walking together. Currently, I'm in a positive place and feel like life is going well overall. Plus, I spent last night with one of my best friends and hung out with some of my favorite family members over the weekend. I felt the love. So instead of dreading Valentine's Day, forcing myself to bring out heart decorations from the bottom of storage, I was excited. The sight of heart dish towels and placemats uplifted me. I think I'll keep the placemats on the table for a few weeks, just to brighten the gray winter days.

And I didn't feel ashamed or embarrassed or stressed about being a virgin, for once. I've been regretting it lately, but not now.

So I decided to brainstorm a list of the positives about being a virgin.

1) I'm not pregnant.
1b) Therefore, I don't have a child.
2) I don't have an STD (or AIDS).
3) I don't have HPV.
4) I've never had bad sex.
5) I've never had an abortion.
5b) I've never had to give up a baby for adoption.
6) I've never had an allergic reaction to latex...I'm not allergic anyway, so I guess that doesn't count.
7) No baby-daddy drama.
8) I don't have to take birth control pills.
9) I never had to clean-up post-deflowering blood on sheets.
10) I never had to walk around sore all day following a de-flowering.
11) I never had to indulge anyone's strange fetish.
12) I've never had to fake an orgasm. I'm a bad liar. How would I do that?
13) I've never had a man look at my naked body critically.
14) No one has ever criticized my skills in bed.

There are other spiritual and psychological benefits, but it's late and I'm stopping here. :P

"Should I offer my number to a guy?"

Online dating is so tricky.

My policy for giving out numbers to online people is I that I only give it out before we meet. Typically, that's the policy. I tried something different tonight.

I was talking to D, who I have been chatting with for almost a week. He's currently my favorite. We've chatted most days during the past week. Conversations online usually go 45 minutes to an hour. I don't message him when he's online. I let the guys message me. :-P We see eye-to-eye on the kid thing and seem to both be pretty down-to-earth, though he picks on himself a little. The conversations at first were slipping into talking/complaining about our online dating issues, but I tried to turn the conversation to something a little more positive, keep it light. Thankfully, I don't have many bad experiences, so it was easy for me to turn the conversation away from loathing.

I actually initiated contact with D via a wink on okcupid. After the 2nd or 3rd conversation, I said something like "Hopefully we can meet soon..." to which he responded, "for sure." I was a little skeptical, though glad to see some interest on his end. In the past, guys have expressed interest in meeting but it never came to fruition.

After talking to some friends, I wondered if maybe I should be willing to really speak to a guy before meeting. It does make sense to hear his voice, see if you have phone chemistry, before meeting. Perhaps I should be a little less stingy with the number.

I decided this time to offer my number. I had initiated contact, after all, but I was pseudo-assertive. I (honestly) told him I can't guarantee I'll be online a lot this weekend, but I could give him my number if he wanted. He replied that he was not good with the phone, but asked for my email.

Email? WTF?

I gave him my work email address because I forgot my dating address off the top of my head :P. My work email actually has my last name (oops), but I'm just going to trust that he is not someone who'll steal my identity or stalk me.

Well, at least he was honest about not being good with the phone. I'm not either. But geez, I say I wanna meet, I offer my number, isn't that clue enough that I'm interested? In our first conversation, he told me about how no one views his profile or messages him, no one seems to show interest, blah blah blah. Hello? Well, someone "winked" at you. Me!

This is what I get for wanting a less-aggressive, non-alpha male, I guess. Or it's just his nice way of saying he's not so interested after all. But then again, maybe he is still interested and was just being honest, and he actually is much better at email than phone...

Whatever. I'm going on a date with M tomorrow (Friday) night. Just a cafe or bar. M's the one who's interested in salsa. He suggested we go out for drinks casually first before setting up a salsa night, and I was cool with that. Hey, I've NEVER had a date this close to Valentine's Day! New step for me! I initiated contact with M too but he asked for my number first.

Oh D. You were my favorite. Really. But dude, you snooze, you lose.

I'll keep chatting with him and B, but I'm not going to wait forever for them to get the nerve to say, "Let's go out for coffee." I already expressed interest. If they're truly interested but still too insecure to go out for a 45 minute coffee date, oh well.

Spay Day 2011 Photo Contest

This isn't related to anything virginal, but I'm plugging it anyway.

That cute little kitty I use for my icon? I entered him in the Spay Day 2011 pet photo contest. You donate to the charity of my choice, and every dollar counts as a vote for my boy.

So if you have even $5 to spare, come donate and help my pretty little siamese-mix get some votes. :-) Yeah, the bowtie is a little goofy, but we're trying to stand out from the competition. That tie got a lot of "awwwws" and "Likes" from my friends when I first posted it to facebook too.

Spay Day 2011 Online Pet Photo Contest