No, not the virginity.
I am currently crush-less, or perhaps in-between crushes.
I finally found out indirectly that Mark actually plans on having kids someday, or at least assumes it. I never knew for sure. I don't often bring up my childfreedom in casual conversation, especially with people I only see once per month. The crush was waning, but this kills it. Those blinders have fallen off and now I'm seeing all the ways we aren't compatible anyway. If only I knew he wanted kids earlier!
It's always a mix of liberation, boredom and disappointment when a crush terminates. Who can I daydream about in idle moments? Who can I fantasize about when my thoughts wander before bed? I guess I can just daydream about celebrities, but it's not the same.
Yet I also feel “normal” again. When I listen to a love song, I won't imagine a crush singing it to me. When I watch a romantic comedy, I won't imagine myself and the crush in the leading roles.
And my searches on online dating sites, which I've resumed, won't be so half-hearted. I changed to a better picture and already got a few winks and messages, but if it doesn't look like the guy actually read my profile, I ignore the message and block the guy. Cruel? Perhaps, but I actually put a lot of effort in writing my intros. So, if a guy is actually interested, would it kill him to spend a couple minutes reading my spiel? How do I know a guy isn't just winking at everyone and copying and pasting the same message (for example, “Hey, ur beautiful. I like your smile. Let's chat”)? I take time to read profiles. Take time to read mine! It's especially annoying when guys who want kids (or worse, guys who have kids) message me. That further makes me think they didn't even read the basic stuff!
I'm slowly starting to get excited again. In my “real” journal, I've started mapping out a plan for “putting myself out there.” Yes, I'm planning. Yes, I'm being strategic about it. Not just letting it happen or “waiting” for Mr. Right to come to me. When I didn't try, nothing happened. Now I'm trying. Still no relationship, but at least I've dated now. If I didn't do online dating, I'd have no dates at all.
Hey there!
ReplyDeleteThis post kinda made me both sad and excited for you. It made me sad to hear that just the knowledge that maybe someday your crush might want to have kids someday totally turned you off of him. Look, wanting kids is a social norm, 99% of the people out there want kids someday, and completely labeling someone as undateable just because they don't have the exact same ideals as yourself is a great way to stay single forever. Do you assume that just because the person you are dating wants kids someday, they want to have kids with you? Right now? If you do then you couldn't be more wrong. Everyone is different, everyone has their own ideas and beliefs, it's one of the things that make this world such a great and exciting place to live in. And dating it one of the ways you can experience and celebrate the differences people have. Who know what COULD have happened with that guy. Maybe you could have changed his mind, maybe he could have changed yours. Maybe you two could have had a fun, exciting relationship where you two both grew as people and yes this issue might inevitably ended the relationship but in the end you both would have had the memories and experiences that you can keep and use to better the chances that the next relationship will go smoother. But unfortunately now all you have is a bunch of "what ifs." Basically what I'm saying is you shouldn't push potentially great guys away just because he might not have the EXACT criteria you are looking for. Be open and welcome differences because it is these differences that make people so interesting and great.
Ok now on to the stuff that made me excited!!
I'm glad you are putting more attention to your online dating, for girls it's super easy to find the shy, quiet type you are looking for on there. Mostly because shy guys don't stand a chance meeting girls at the "regular" places.
Just promise me one thing... don't just sit there and wait for the guys to message you. You already see that there are a TON of guys out there who just send generic messages to any picture they like, so don't fall into that game. Look for the guys you want and message them. I can't tell you how much I would love to get a message in my inbox from a girl who actually took the time to look at my profile and think I'm worth messaging. I always feel like I'm just churning gears messaging girls all the time and never getting any responses, it would be fantastic if it went the other way around for a change.
Thanks again for your feedback Jay.
ReplyDeleteActually, I've dropped a lot of requirements off my "criteria" for a guy. I used to have a very extensive list of dealbreakers! Now the dealbreakers are down to "aged about 30, spiritual and either childfree or undecided about kids." It's true that the majority of people out there want kids, but I also know people who don't want kids ever and still found longterm relationships, even marriage, and they said, "I didn't date anyone who wanted kids." I really haven't blogged about my childfreedom. There are already a lot of blogs out there about being childfree, and I don't have anything new to add, but maybe I'll write about it in a later post. I'm not going to change my mind. I know this. But it's not easy being in the minority of people who are turned off to childrearing. I'm ready to deal with the questions and stigma that come with it, but it's asking a lot of someone who does want kids to change his mind. I recognize that this dealbreaker might keep me single forever, but I have to be true to myself.
Anyway, yeah I keep getting mixed messages about whether or not to message guys on online dating sites. But to get the kind of guy I want, I know might have to be more assertive. So eff gender roles in online dating!