Saturday, December 18, 2010

adventures on plenty of fish

I'm trying to be active on, but now I'm remembering why I didn't go on that site for several months.

There are no "catches" on plentyoffish. :-P

Seriously, do all guys just click on girls they think look pretty and send them a "wink" (or whatever it's called on pof). Do any guys read the profiles of the women they find attractive?

Once again, I'm receiving a couple messages per day that say, "Hey gorgeous, wanna chat," or something similar. There is no indication that they read my profile at all! No, "Hey, you like dancing. What kinds of dance?" It's like they all just copy and paste a stock message into every message (if they bother to send a message).

One man earlier in the week actually read my profile. But here was the issue. On my profile, I say that I tend to be more outgoing online than in "real life" (though I am less reserved once I get to know someone). I also said that I am not afraid of the "Where do we stand" conversation, so feel free to ask. Dude messaged me and said, "Both of those are red flags, but I'm still interested." The message also stated that basically I would have to prove to him why he should consider me. I don't have the exact message, but that was the gist. He also said I suffer from "online balls." I don't want to try and figure out what that means.

I wrote him back saying, "If introversion and open communication are red flags for you, we don't need to communicate." I then blocked him. Harsh? Perhaps, but telling a woman that two things in her profile are "red flags" is not the way to win her over! I already did my "proving" in the profile. I'm not going to chase any man online.

Another man was not interested in reading my profile, even after I responded to him. He had sent me a "wink" on Sunday. I checked out his profile and he actually looked kind of cute. Most of the guys who message me, I don't find attractive. However, we had nothing in common other that we were both Catholic and liked animals. He was undecided about kids. So I messaged him and asked what it was in my profile he found interesting. He admitted that the wink was really based on appearance. He asked me to instead say 3 "must know things" about myself, but not funny, nice, honest etc. Again, I already wrote my profile. I said, "Well, if you read my profile, you'll see I have a lot going on. I really can't summarize myself in 3 sentences. What are three things you want to know about?"

Haven't heard from him since Tuesday. Don't think I will.

I actually take time to write my profile. I actually spend one-two minutes reading profiles of guys I find interesting. I expect the same courtesy. Read my profile before you message me. Is that really so much to ask?

I've messaged a few guys, but haven't heard back. Such is the game I guess.

Now I'm really starting to think that the guys on pof are just looking for sex. They don't even want to spend the effort reading a couple paragraphs about someone.

I tried the paid websites and got nothing. I refuse to pay any more than I already am for that stupid elove. Other people find "love" for free. Why can't I?


  1. The whole online dating game is fascinating to me, so I really enjoy reading about it - sorry if that seems morbid, since your post isn't what one would call positive. I just find it really interesting.

    I did try it once about 6 or 7 years ago before my husband and I got together. I had just moved to a new city and knew nobody so it seemed like the logical thing to do. I met one guy who just wanted to hook up, and we somehow ended up becoming good friends despite his intentions.

    Later on I started dating a guy I met online who seemed ideal - cute, Scottish accent, just finishing up with med school. He was older, though, and ready to settle down, whereas I was younger and just looking to meet new people and maybe have a casual relationship.

    Looking back I think the experience was overall good, but maybe I just got lucky.

    Sometimes I think the best relationships come when you least expect them...I know it's a cliche, but maybe it's true that you have to stop looking for someone for them to find you.

  2. That didn't sound morbid. I usually find the online dating scene comical. I've met 4 online guys in "real life," and only one of them seemed odd. The attraction just wasn't mutual with the other 3. No pedophiles or people with fetishes, unlike my friend....

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  4. Hello again...

    Let me start off first by saying I do not in any way support the idea of just sending out canned messages to girls based solely on their profile pictures, but I do understand it.

    Look, guys on dating sites have it really hard. I mean HARD.

    Let me elaborate...

    So you said you get on average a couple messages a day, right? Hold on a sec and let me check my okcupid inbox... Ok I'm back. I have six messages from girls that I didn't first contact, total, and I've been on the site for about two years.

    And I know what you are thinking, "well, this guy must be a total loser/perv/ugly/etc. why would anyone message him."

    I wish that were the case, at least then I would have an explanation as to why I'm having such a hard time.

    The bottom line is guys have a serious disadvantage, number one, for every girl on these sites, there are probably 20 guys, it's just not balanced. Number two, society has put all the pressure on the guys to chase after the girls, and that makes the girls very selective, sometimes too selective in my opinion (don't roll your eyes at me, we have discussed this before).

  5. There is a theory most guys have, it's called the "numbers game." Not sure if you know how it works, but basically it goes something like "if you put yourself out there to as many women as possible, you will have a better chance of finding one that will like you. Now I know what you are thinking, "well if all guys are doing is just trying to meet any girl and doesn't care about who I am as a person, why on earth would I want to be with him?" And yes there is some truth to that, but in a lot of ways it is our only defense against the constant rejection and indifference we get from the ladies. I'm sure many (not all mind you) of those guys started their online dating adventure taking great care of reading each profile, and putting together the most interesting and charming message they could. But the reality is that if girls get a few of those messages a day, and if upon looking at their profile the girl and seeing something on the profile that doesn't match exactly to what she is looking for (like their religion or stance on children) what real chance does that guy have of ever getting anywhere? So what do they do? The only thing they can, get the word out to as many people as possible. Now I personally don't make it a habit to do that kind of stuff when I message women, I take time to read their profile, see if we are a good match, and try my hardest to be simultaneously funny, charming, intelligent, witty, confident but not arrogant, and not sound desperate or needy (keep in mind I'm not a good at writing, so whatever I end up sending isn't going to be that good anyway). And 99.9 percent of the time I get no response. Let me tell you, it's a lot of work to do all that, and yes sometimes I need a break and I just send out a "Hey, how's it goin'" type message and most of the time I get the same results from that than I do putting out my best social/literary work... nothing.

    What's even more confusing is sometimes I manage to start off some really great conversations with women with something simple like that. Women who are funny, down to earth and who mostly understand that it's not how the conversation starts, but where it goes from there.

    I only know as much as what you post on here but it looks to me like you are not trying even half as hard as I or most other guys out there. It looks like instead of looking for things to like about a guy you are looking for flaws, and I hate to break it to ya, but ALL guys have flaws.

    So what is a guy supposed to do?

  6. I'm not looking for flaws as much as dealbreakers, and I think it's okay to make core values the dealbreakers. Like I said, when I said, "No kids," I had to let go of a lot of other "requirements" I had. I eased up from Catholic to "spiritual," for example. I have quite a few Catholic friends, virgins and nonvirgins, who still refuse to date non-Catholics. I don't see saying "no Atheists or Agnostics" as being too picky, especially when I'm an active, practicing Catholic. My faith is the core of my being. I can't be so unpicky that I talk to every single guy who "winks" at me.

    Besides, oh the dealbreakers my friends have! "No smokers." "Must have a car." "Must make at least X amount of money per year." "Must be White." Me saying, "must practice something and must be undecided or against having kids," is really not that limiting.

    I understand that it's frustrating being the chaser, especially when one is getting no response. However, I have sent out "winks" as well as actual messages, figuring guys would appreciate someone contacting them first. But I also got no response. The 4 guys I've met were all guys who messaged me first. I have yet to meet anyone IRL with whom I made first contact. None of those 4 guys fit all my requirements, btw (one was actually Agnostic), but I was still willing to give them a shot.

    I try to defy gender roles and do the "work" of writing a 4 sentence message, but guys don't seem to appreciate it much after all. So sometimes I do just fall back into traditional roles for awhile and let the guys message me until I get a message that sounds like they read my profile. And I do respond to guys who don't send me a canned message.

    So it's not easier being the "chased."