No, not the virginity.
I am currently crush-less, or perhaps in-between crushes.
I finally found out indirectly that Mark actually plans on having kids someday, or at least assumes it. I never knew for sure. I don't often bring up my childfreedom in casual conversation, especially with people I only see once per month. The crush was waning, but this kills it. Those blinders have fallen off and now I'm seeing all the ways we aren't compatible anyway. If only I knew he wanted kids earlier!
It's always a mix of liberation, boredom and disappointment when a crush terminates. Who can I daydream about in idle moments? Who can I fantasize about when my thoughts wander before bed? I guess I can just daydream about celebrities, but it's not the same.
Yet I also feel “normal” again. When I listen to a love song, I won't imagine a crush singing it to me. When I watch a romantic comedy, I won't imagine myself and the crush in the leading roles.
And my searches on online dating sites, which I've resumed, won't be so half-hearted. I changed to a better picture and already got a few winks and messages, but if it doesn't look like the guy actually read my profile, I ignore the message and block the guy. Cruel? Perhaps, but I actually put a lot of effort in writing my intros. So, if a guy is actually interested, would it kill him to spend a couple minutes reading my spiel? How do I know a guy isn't just winking at everyone and copying and pasting the same message (for example, “Hey, ur beautiful. I like your smile. Let's chat”)? I take time to read profiles. Take time to read mine! It's especially annoying when guys who want kids (or worse, guys who have kids) message me. That further makes me think they didn't even read the basic stuff!
I'm slowly starting to get excited again. In my “real” journal, I've started mapping out a plan for “putting myself out there.” Yes, I'm planning. Yes, I'm being strategic about it. Not just letting it happen or “waiting” for Mr. Right to come to me. When I didn't try, nothing happened. Now I'm trying. Still no relationship, but at least I've dated now. If I didn't do online dating, I'd have no dates at all.