It's so nice when the feeling, or lack thereof, is mutual! No drama, no worrying about what to say, how to dress, whether or not to call, what to do on a second date, how to let the guy down easy if he likes me and I don't care for him in that way...
Nick hasn't called me back, which is fine with me. I waited until Tuesday of last week, and then I sent in my feedback to elove.
What's difficult about elove's feedback requirements is that they want you to be honest, be specific, but not be critical of the referral. I understand that "he's boring and ugly and undateable" is useless feedback, and you want to focus on the date, not the person. But then, how can I "be specific" without being at all critical of the guy? "There was just no chemistry," is not helpful feedback either for a matchmaker. They can't guarantee chemistry and therefore there really is nothing they can do if you just don't "feel it" with the guy.
Well, my membership includes 12 referrals, I believe. So there's 11 more chances, 11 more guys I have yet to meet. They really did do a good job on their first try. Hopefully among their male members is someone who is boyfriend material for me.
Monday, May 17, 2010
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
Not your type? Just right...right?
Yahoo's Shine site recently had an article about dating outside your type. It had advice from Andrea Syrtash, author of He's Just Not Your Type. The idea was that women should widen their scopes and not be so focused on "checklists" for their dates. Also, women should not freak out if they fall for a guy who isn't their type.
Having never been in a relationship, I don't know what my "type" is. I can't seem to click with anyone. :-P I have a checklist of sorts, but lately I've dated guys who don't fit everything on my list. Actually, I've loosened up a lot having decided to be childfree. It's already "picky" enough to say, "I will not date a man who wants children." I still have a somewhat negative approach when it comes to figuring out my type, as in "my type is not..." I don't want to date Atheists, political extremists, sexual deviants, gangbangers or drug addicts. I have also dated guys who were just, well, dull, and was not interested in a second date. Perhaps that's the sort of man I should pursue according to her? Someone who goes to work and goes home every day? Someone who isn't more than his job, who mostly hangs at home when not at work is who I should consider?
Because I am childfree, I am not in a race against time. I don't need to hurry up and get married and have children because my fertility will stop dropping within a few years. Some estimates say women's fertility can start dropping as early as twenty-seven years old. I come from a long line of Fertile Myrtles, so I don't know if that's true for me. However, I don't need to "settle" as they say. I don't need to settle for someone who's boring but stable and father-material. I can hold out for the type I really want.
Now, I know that exciting guys can be high maintenance and intense, and that might not work for me either. I guess I want someone who's a happy medium. I don't want someone completely average, but I don't want a party animal, daredevil type.
I guess I just need to read the book to see what Syrtash means by dating someone who isn't one's type. I just don't see how a radical, Atheist, BDSM druggie would work for me. :-P
Having never been in a relationship, I don't know what my "type" is. I can't seem to click with anyone. :-P I have a checklist of sorts, but lately I've dated guys who don't fit everything on my list. Actually, I've loosened up a lot having decided to be childfree. It's already "picky" enough to say, "I will not date a man who wants children." I still have a somewhat negative approach when it comes to figuring out my type, as in "my type is not..." I don't want to date Atheists, political extremists, sexual deviants, gangbangers or drug addicts. I have also dated guys who were just, well, dull, and was not interested in a second date. Perhaps that's the sort of man I should pursue according to her? Someone who goes to work and goes home every day? Someone who isn't more than his job, who mostly hangs at home when not at work is who I should consider?
Because I am childfree, I am not in a race against time. I don't need to hurry up and get married and have children because my fertility will stop dropping within a few years. Some estimates say women's fertility can start dropping as early as twenty-seven years old. I come from a long line of Fertile Myrtles, so I don't know if that's true for me. However, I don't need to "settle" as they say. I don't need to settle for someone who's boring but stable and father-material. I can hold out for the type I really want.
Now, I know that exciting guys can be high maintenance and intense, and that might not work for me either. I guess I want someone who's a happy medium. I don't want someone completely average, but I don't want a party animal, daredevil type.
I guess I just need to read the book to see what Syrtash means by dating someone who isn't one's type. I just don't see how a radical, Atheist, BDSM druggie would work for me. :-P
Monday, May 10, 2010
Girls Aloud - Life Got Cold
This was one of my favorite songs in undergrad. I heard it on an online French radio station. However, looking back, I think it contributed to my staying single for so long, particularly the lyric, "I don't believe in Romeos or heroes anymore."
The video is a let down. They're just walking around looking sultry. So close your eyes and just listen :-P
The video is a let down. They're just walking around looking sultry. So close your eyes and just listen :-P
Sunday, May 9, 2010
On the right track...
Yesterday I had a date with my first referral from elove. Although I'm not sure where we'll go from here, I must say they did a good job on round one.
They really did try to match me up with a guy who fit what I wanted and whose personality went well with mine. When the interviewer asked me what guys I find most attractive, I replied that like most people, I often find guys that look like a male version of me are the most attractive :-P. Well, Nick did have features similar to mine so of course I thought he was cute (not "hot," but I recognize hotness does not necessarily equal quality). Both of us also don't eat meat, have the same number of siblings (with a similar age gap between us and our younger siblings) and live within about 5 miles of each other. Also, I said I wanted a man who was stable, employed and independent, all of which he fits. He's a gentleman too, per my request. It sounds like he's Christian (though I didn't ask directly) and he might not be eager to have children. He's also the height and build I wanted.
I wish, though, that elove didn't ask us to give feedback after the first meeting. If I gave feedback now, I'd say give me a new referral. He seemed a little nervous and was not the best at maintaining a conversation. Also, he seemed a little too ordinary. I have various hobbies, like to travel and basically try to do more than just my job. However, all Nick does is work and play basketball with his brothers. He admitted to being a bit of a homebody. Although I am introverted and do enjoy occasional days or weekends where I just sit at home, I wouldn't define myself as a "homebody."
So he's kinda boring. I feel sorry for him. He really is a sweet guy, but as they say, nice guys finish last. That probably explains his lack of a girlfriend.
The fact that he never finished college is a bit of a turn-off too. But at least he has a decent job and works hard. That's not true for all college grads.
However, I know people tend to be more nervous and awkward on first dates than they might be on following dates. Because he is such a nice guy, I'm willing to try a second date with him before I give the feedback. I put it on him, though, to call me. After reading "He's Just Not That Into You," I refuse to chase a guy. Let him call me, let him chase me. Perhaps that's old fashioned, but I am notorious for being a chaser and misinterpreting friendliness for romantic interest. I'll give him a few days, and if he doesn't call, I'll send in my feedback. If he really likes me, he'll call.
So I'll just tell them that I want a guy who was basically a "Nick" but with hobbies and interests outside of work.
They really did try to match me up with a guy who fit what I wanted and whose personality went well with mine. When the interviewer asked me what guys I find most attractive, I replied that like most people, I often find guys that look like a male version of me are the most attractive :-P. Well, Nick did have features similar to mine so of course I thought he was cute (not "hot," but I recognize hotness does not necessarily equal quality). Both of us also don't eat meat, have the same number of siblings (with a similar age gap between us and our younger siblings) and live within about 5 miles of each other. Also, I said I wanted a man who was stable, employed and independent, all of which he fits. He's a gentleman too, per my request. It sounds like he's Christian (though I didn't ask directly) and he might not be eager to have children. He's also the height and build I wanted.
I wish, though, that elove didn't ask us to give feedback after the first meeting. If I gave feedback now, I'd say give me a new referral. He seemed a little nervous and was not the best at maintaining a conversation. Also, he seemed a little too ordinary. I have various hobbies, like to travel and basically try to do more than just my job. However, all Nick does is work and play basketball with his brothers. He admitted to being a bit of a homebody. Although I am introverted and do enjoy occasional days or weekends where I just sit at home, I wouldn't define myself as a "homebody."
So he's kinda boring. I feel sorry for him. He really is a sweet guy, but as they say, nice guys finish last. That probably explains his lack of a girlfriend.
The fact that he never finished college is a bit of a turn-off too. But at least he has a decent job and works hard. That's not true for all college grads.
However, I know people tend to be more nervous and awkward on first dates than they might be on following dates. Because he is such a nice guy, I'm willing to try a second date with him before I give the feedback. I put it on him, though, to call me. After reading "He's Just Not That Into You," I refuse to chase a guy. Let him call me, let him chase me. Perhaps that's old fashioned, but I am notorious for being a chaser and misinterpreting friendliness for romantic interest. I'll give him a few days, and if he doesn't call, I'll send in my feedback. If he really likes me, he'll call.
So I'll just tell them that I want a guy who was basically a "Nick" but with hobbies and interests outside of work.
Sunday, May 2, 2010
People have sex before marriage, really?
I hung out with some fellow virgin friends of mine this weekend. Well, I can't say with 100% certainty that they are all virgins because I never asked them, but I suspect they all are. At the very least, they have "virginal" personalities, if that makes sense.
They fit a lot of the stereotypes I think people have of virgins.
One of them made a statement that made my stomach sink. First off, let me mention we're both in our mid-twenties. Even though I'm planning until at least my engagement before I get my cherry popped, I realize that my lifestyle is not the norm. Most people in their mid-twenties are not virgins. So it doesn't surprise me when people my age talk about premarital sex like it's no big deal and don't consider waiting until marriage. I thought all folks in their mid-twenties, virgin or not, knew this.
Well, not one of my virginal friends. She commented on a recent episode of "Glee." I don't watch the show so forgive my vague description. Anyway, she talked about how she was disappointed that the characters were so eager to talk about (and have) sex, and was especially disappointed in how one character was having sex. She didn't think he would do so because he seemed "strong." I guess that means she thought he wasn't the type to give into peer pressure. Even the characters who weren't having sex in that episode talked about having it in the near future. There was no talk about waiting until marriage, and she was saddened about that.
I said nothing, but thought, "For real? This shocks you?" I can't recall any teen sitcom promoting "no sex til marriage." How many teens make that commitment? And how many teens who make those commitments, a la True Love Waits, actually stick by that?
In all honesty, I don't know this girl all that well. She's a mutual friend who I've only hung out with occasionally. Perhaps she's lived a very sheltered life, where the norm amongst her circle of friends or acquaintances was "no sex til marriage." She's a very prayerful person. She's very into praying the Rosary and has a very nun-like spirituality. She likes the traditional Catholic prayers. She also has a very calm demeanor and is uber-humble. I discovered the depths of her humility this weekend, and it's almost unhealthy (Catholic guilt?), but anyway.
It made me wonder if this sort of mindset is actually the norm for virgins, if this stereotype is true. Are most virgins, even ones in their twenties, so naive? They are surprised that mainstream television presents/suggests premarital sex and never throws in the option of abstinence (or at least not in a positive light)?
Maybe I'm the outlier. Truly, though I plan to wait until engagement if not marriage, I really don't think premarital sex is a big deal...necessarily. Not every unmarried non-virgin is premiscuous. Some people are actually responsible and don't have sex outside of long-term relationships. For me, the preference is "not til marriage" because I've seen what drama can enfold once sex comes in, and a lot of that drama can be avoided if people just waited until marriage (and were serious about doing marriage right). There's just too much at stake. Maybe the Church's original reasons for telling people, "not til marriage" were more about subduing women, or demonizing sex, or only focusing on marriage=childrearing, but for me, that's not what it's about (and the Church, I think, is starting to give better reasons now).
But I know other people are on different journeys. So I can't make assumptions about all non-virgins. Maybe they do "get" what sex is about even though they didn't wait.
They fit a lot of the stereotypes I think people have of virgins.
One of them made a statement that made my stomach sink. First off, let me mention we're both in our mid-twenties. Even though I'm planning until at least my engagement before I get my cherry popped, I realize that my lifestyle is not the norm. Most people in their mid-twenties are not virgins. So it doesn't surprise me when people my age talk about premarital sex like it's no big deal and don't consider waiting until marriage. I thought all folks in their mid-twenties, virgin or not, knew this.
Well, not one of my virginal friends. She commented on a recent episode of "Glee." I don't watch the show so forgive my vague description. Anyway, she talked about how she was disappointed that the characters were so eager to talk about (and have) sex, and was especially disappointed in how one character was having sex. She didn't think he would do so because he seemed "strong." I guess that means she thought he wasn't the type to give into peer pressure. Even the characters who weren't having sex in that episode talked about having it in the near future. There was no talk about waiting until marriage, and she was saddened about that.
I said nothing, but thought, "For real? This shocks you?" I can't recall any teen sitcom promoting "no sex til marriage." How many teens make that commitment? And how many teens who make those commitments, a la True Love Waits, actually stick by that?
In all honesty, I don't know this girl all that well. She's a mutual friend who I've only hung out with occasionally. Perhaps she's lived a very sheltered life, where the norm amongst her circle of friends or acquaintances was "no sex til marriage." She's a very prayerful person. She's very into praying the Rosary and has a very nun-like spirituality. She likes the traditional Catholic prayers. She also has a very calm demeanor and is uber-humble. I discovered the depths of her humility this weekend, and it's almost unhealthy (Catholic guilt?), but anyway.
It made me wonder if this sort of mindset is actually the norm for virgins, if this stereotype is true. Are most virgins, even ones in their twenties, so naive? They are surprised that mainstream television presents/suggests premarital sex and never throws in the option of abstinence (or at least not in a positive light)?
Maybe I'm the outlier. Truly, though I plan to wait until engagement if not marriage, I really don't think premarital sex is a big deal...necessarily. Not every unmarried non-virgin is premiscuous. Some people are actually responsible and don't have sex outside of long-term relationships. For me, the preference is "not til marriage" because I've seen what drama can enfold once sex comes in, and a lot of that drama can be avoided if people just waited until marriage (and were serious about doing marriage right). There's just too much at stake. Maybe the Church's original reasons for telling people, "not til marriage" were more about subduing women, or demonizing sex, or only focusing on marriage=childrearing, but for me, that's not what it's about (and the Church, I think, is starting to give better reasons now).
But I know other people are on different journeys. So I can't make assumptions about all non-virgins. Maybe they do "get" what sex is about even though they didn't wait.
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
Cameo - Single Life
I heard this song awhile ago on the R&B station and it's been in my head lately (the chorus anyway). OK, the song is definitely better than the cheeseball video, but hey...
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
Submission for One Single Life
Here is the essay I'm submitting to Beth Knobbe. She's looking for essays on the single life.
~~~
It’s funny when people assume that singles live selfish, indulgent, Epicurean lives. We blow money on luxuries like lavish vacations, spa treatments, fancy cars, expensive drinks, memberships at yuppie gyms and condo lofts. We also don’t give to charity and date tons of people.
Yes, my life is just fraught with material luxuries. Now that I am middle income, I do take vacations. When I get to my destination, I stay in hostels, but they’re just four stars away from those fancy five star hotels. I get a massage twice per year, if I have a discount coupon. I get a pedicure at the nail shop in Chinatown once a year. I do have a car now. It’s a used, four door coupe, but still. Sometimes I go out to eat with friends, and I buy one entire drink (maybe) as well as blow $10 on my meal. I do work out at home with my two exercise DVD’s sometimes. I have my own place too. It’s in an un-hip part of town surrounded by factories, but, hey, no roommates! That’s glamorous, right? I guess I am a bit of a Scrooge as I’ve only donated money to lupus research, animal shelters, Vincentian priests and nuns as well as natural disaster relief. Before the group folded, I also volunteered once a month with a group all over my city, but I should have found somewhere else to volunteer once that group ended! Selfish me! Oh, I give to church too, but you’re supposed to do that. In terms of dating, I have dated four guys total. I didn’t go beyond date two with any of them and have never been in a relationship, but four sure is promiscuous!
I live this “extravagant” life without the $3000+ tax return parents receive, by the way.
If single people are selfish and indulgent, I must be an outlier. I guess I live more extravagantly than a homeless person, but I listen to Gandhi’s quote: “Live simply so that others may simply live.” My Catholic upbringing ingrained in me the idea of living simply and giving your extra to the poor. In fact, in Luke 21:1-4, Jesus praises the widow who gave all she had to the collection plate rather than ones who gave out of their surplus.
I was taught (and believe) that all the money and material possessions of the world mean nothing if you don’t have the love of God. We are supposed to store up treasures in Heaven, not on Earth. True joy and fulfillment comes from living the life God called you to live. Perhaps that life for me is perpetual singlehood, but that’s okay. If that’s the life God has for me, I have faith that it’ll be perfect for me, even if it’s lacking in some material comforts.
I do want to move away from these factories, however.
~~~
It’s funny when people assume that singles live selfish, indulgent, Epicurean lives. We blow money on luxuries like lavish vacations, spa treatments, fancy cars, expensive drinks, memberships at yuppie gyms and condo lofts. We also don’t give to charity and date tons of people.
Yes, my life is just fraught with material luxuries. Now that I am middle income, I do take vacations. When I get to my destination, I stay in hostels, but they’re just four stars away from those fancy five star hotels. I get a massage twice per year, if I have a discount coupon. I get a pedicure at the nail shop in Chinatown once a year. I do have a car now. It’s a used, four door coupe, but still. Sometimes I go out to eat with friends, and I buy one entire drink (maybe) as well as blow $10 on my meal. I do work out at home with my two exercise DVD’s sometimes. I have my own place too. It’s in an un-hip part of town surrounded by factories, but, hey, no roommates! That’s glamorous, right? I guess I am a bit of a Scrooge as I’ve only donated money to lupus research, animal shelters, Vincentian priests and nuns as well as natural disaster relief. Before the group folded, I also volunteered once a month with a group all over my city, but I should have found somewhere else to volunteer once that group ended! Selfish me! Oh, I give to church too, but you’re supposed to do that. In terms of dating, I have dated four guys total. I didn’t go beyond date two with any of them and have never been in a relationship, but four sure is promiscuous!
I live this “extravagant” life without the $3000+ tax return parents receive, by the way.
If single people are selfish and indulgent, I must be an outlier. I guess I live more extravagantly than a homeless person, but I listen to Gandhi’s quote: “Live simply so that others may simply live.” My Catholic upbringing ingrained in me the idea of living simply and giving your extra to the poor. In fact, in Luke 21:1-4, Jesus praises the widow who gave all she had to the collection plate rather than ones who gave out of their surplus.
I was taught (and believe) that all the money and material possessions of the world mean nothing if you don’t have the love of God. We are supposed to store up treasures in Heaven, not on Earth. True joy and fulfillment comes from living the life God called you to live. Perhaps that life for me is perpetual singlehood, but that’s okay. If that’s the life God has for me, I have faith that it’ll be perfect for me, even if it’s lacking in some material comforts.
I do want to move away from these factories, however.
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