For awhile, I've been seeing myself as undateable. I guess it's normal to go through periods of high and low self-image. I wouldn't exactly call it self-hate or a total lack of self-love, more like some sort of acceptance. "Well, I'm not anyone's type, I guess." I have felt like giving up on dating, or at least on trying. I have felt like just "waiting" and "letting it happen" as opposed to being more proactive, like it's a waste of time for me to try dating because no one wants me anyway. I have been feeling like so many of my qualities are unwanted in a date.
Thoughts running through my head: "I'm vegan. Who would want to date someone who can't eat everywhere? Where would we go on dates?" "I don't want kids, ever, and most guys out there want kids. And the ones who don't want kids are all Atheist or non-religious." "I'm sexually inexperienced and won't put out on the third date or whatever that rule is, and every other girl will." "I'm a practicing Catholic, and nobody wants someone religious because he'll think I'm some brainwashed Jesus freak." "I can't tell a guy I have taken bellydance because he'll either think I'm a whore or flighty. How many people think, 'intelligent' when they hear someone is a bellydancer?" "I like reading, but not all kinds of books. A reader won't think I'm intellectual enough." "I like pop music, but an intellectual guy will think I'm mindless and unsophisticated if I say I like pop music." And on and on and on.
But then I remembered that there are millions of guys out there. Millions. And if a guy is my Mr. Right, being vegan, Catholic, a bellydancer, reader, choosy with the cherry, a lover of pop music and childfree won't be a turn-off.
So for the past few days, I've been changing my self-image back to something more positive! True, I'm not every guy's Ms. Right. However, that doesn't mean I'm NOBODY'S Ms. Right. My Mr. Right will have no problem with going to restaurants that have something for me besides a house salad (I don't need to go to an all-veg restaurant, but I don't want only a salad, I mean I didn't get these womanly curves by eating salad my whole life). He won't think less of me if I like pop music and bellydancing. What straight guy wouldn't be turned on by bellydancing? He won't think I'm a total prude if I don't put-out after a few dates. He'll be willing to wait longer. He won't care if I don't like every piece of high literature out there. I like reading classics, but not all of them. He'll respect my religious practices and won't think I'm a mindless sheep, drunk on the opiate of the masses. And perhaps most importantly of all, he'll either be undecided about or totally against having kids someday.
So I'm at least trying to be active again on the dating websites and trying to stay alert, awake for "sightings." I can't just sit around and "wait." That didn't work. Most of my dates have been with men I met online. So I need to be proactive. And I need to remember that though I may not turn every guy on, I'm SOMEONE'S wet dream.
Showing posts with label self esteem. Show all posts
Showing posts with label self esteem. Show all posts
Saturday, December 4, 2010
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
Body Image, Self Esteem and Virginity
One stereotype I've heard about virgins is that virgins are virgins because we don't think we're attractive or "eff"-able (to put it politely). Well, I don't think that my body is hideous, but I pondered this as I read a friend of mine's blog. She talked a little about how she struggled with self-body-hate. Upon becoming sexually active, though, her insecurities about one particular part of her body were gone. It took sex for her to get over (or at least begin getting over) hating her body. Whoa. An extreme solution to a solve-able problem, I think! Although, I guess some wouldn't think sex is such an extreme solution. Rather, some might argue that's the natural, normal solution to low body image.
Then why have I met so many sexually active women who are still insecure about their bodies? Who freak out at the thought of baring their belly to strangers (which I've done as a bellydancer)? Who are shy about trying on a corset at a female-only party? If you have low self esteem before sex, you'll probably have low self esteem after it too, apparently. I think your perception of your beauty, your love for your body, should come from within and not be based on whether or not others want to have sex with you. But I guess that's yet another reason why I'm (still) a virgin. I don't need a guy to fondle me to feel sexy or beautiful.
I tried to find some studies which researched self esteem (or body image) and virginity. Now that I'm no longer a student, access to scholarly articles is difficult. I only found two studies. However, both yielded results which question the idea that virgins have low self esteem or hate their bodies. This excerpt suggested that there was no significant difference in the level of self esteem between sexually active adolescent girls and non sexually active girls. This study, however, basically said the lower the self esteem of younger teenage girls, the more likely they were to become sexually active early. So girls with higher self esteem initiated intercourse later.
By the way, it was the opposite with boys. High self esteem in boys led to earlier initiation of coitus. Perhaps this view of virgins as having low self esteem is based on the male experience, then? Once again, female experience is based on the male experience, but I'll leave that rant to another feminist who can speak to that more precisely than me.
Anyway, contradictory results? Maybe, but based on these two results, I conclude that virgin females, particularly older ones, have either the same amount of self esteem or more compared to the mean self esteem of their nonvirgin peers. So no, we don't think lower of ourselves than the nonvirgins think of themselves. There is more than one reason why virgins remain virgins. Sure, some hate their bodies or don't think their preferred sex will find them sexy. Some just never had the chance. Some are virgins for religious reasons. Some just have a low sex drive. Some are fearful of STD's or pregnancy. Some already feel attractive and don't need external affirmation. Some already have enough body "fun" without the assistance of a partner.
Once again, I'm glad to be in the place I'm in regarding my self esteem and body image. I'm happy I love my body. I don't always like it, and I know it's imperfect, but I love it.
Then why have I met so many sexually active women who are still insecure about their bodies? Who freak out at the thought of baring their belly to strangers (which I've done as a bellydancer)? Who are shy about trying on a corset at a female-only party? If you have low self esteem before sex, you'll probably have low self esteem after it too, apparently. I think your perception of your beauty, your love for your body, should come from within and not be based on whether or not others want to have sex with you. But I guess that's yet another reason why I'm (still) a virgin. I don't need a guy to fondle me to feel sexy or beautiful.
I tried to find some studies which researched self esteem (or body image) and virginity. Now that I'm no longer a student, access to scholarly articles is difficult. I only found two studies. However, both yielded results which question the idea that virgins have low self esteem or hate their bodies. This excerpt suggested that there was no significant difference in the level of self esteem between sexually active adolescent girls and non sexually active girls. This study, however, basically said the lower the self esteem of younger teenage girls, the more likely they were to become sexually active early. So girls with higher self esteem initiated intercourse later.
By the way, it was the opposite with boys. High self esteem in boys led to earlier initiation of coitus. Perhaps this view of virgins as having low self esteem is based on the male experience, then? Once again, female experience is based on the male experience, but I'll leave that rant to another feminist who can speak to that more precisely than me.
Anyway, contradictory results? Maybe, but based on these two results, I conclude that virgin females, particularly older ones, have either the same amount of self esteem or more compared to the mean self esteem of their nonvirgin peers. So no, we don't think lower of ourselves than the nonvirgins think of themselves. There is more than one reason why virgins remain virgins. Sure, some hate their bodies or don't think their preferred sex will find them sexy. Some just never had the chance. Some are virgins for religious reasons. Some just have a low sex drive. Some are fearful of STD's or pregnancy. Some already feel attractive and don't need external affirmation. Some already have enough body "fun" without the assistance of a partner.
Once again, I'm glad to be in the place I'm in regarding my self esteem and body image. I'm happy I love my body. I don't always like it, and I know it's imperfect, but I love it.
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