I try not to put too much stock in dreams. Some people read so much into them, as if they are prophecies, as if we are all Joseph and the amazing technicolor dreamcoat. True, dreams can give us some insight into our feelings, as people we are thinking a lot about often appear in our sleep. Although our dreams have some meaning, sometimes the meaning is mundane. We dream about work because we go there every day. We dream about guns because we watched an action-packed movie. We dream about our mothers after we have a fight with them.
Despite my logical, left-brainer approach to them, I sometimes am troubled by my dreams. Last night, I dreamt about someone I used to have a crush on, years ago, in freshman year of undergrad: "Tim." Tim is not too dissimilar to Walter. Both are liberal, radical activist types. Very political, and both a bit self-righteous, as in "you can't be a true radical/leftist/liberal unless you give up x, y, and z!" Walter, however, is religious while Tim is Atheist. The Atheism, angry self-righteousness and difference in sexual morals were what turned me off of Tim. Really, I had a thing for Tim mainly because I thought he liked me. Honestly, I still sometimes wonder if he harbors some attraction to me. I like to play with stories in my head. I started (and abandoned) a story based on him, about a young, Atheist, hard-ass liberal who falls for a good church girl, and just can't squelch the love, though it's unrequited. Perhaps I'm just in the mood for a good, unrequited love story. But upon more reflection, I always conclude that it is impossible for him to have a secret, seven year crush on me.
Anyway, my dream. I dreamt I was at a party, at the end of the night. I guess it was too late to go home on my own, so I laid down to sleep in one of those long, reclining lawn chairs, on the porch of the apartment where the party was held. It was dark, quiet, just some porch lights on. The sky was dark brown. Mild temperature, just a light breeze. I wasn't wearing a jacket. I was half asleep in the dream, so very relaxed and paying little attention to my environment. Along comes Tim, who lays on top of me (we're both fully clothed), and just wraps his arms around me and sleeps quietly. So warm, so nice it was to have another body mass lay on me. He wasn't heavy, I didn't choke, but I could feel the evenly distributed weight. He wasn't trying to make out or take off my clothes. Just laying. I wrapped my arms around him, his head just below my neck, on the left side of my chest. I felt so peaceful, it felt so natural, I didn't want it to end. My lips parted, waiting, excited, because I knew with his experience, he must be a good kisser. He shifted a little when I parted my lips.
And the dream ended, of course. It always ends before the best part.
And of course, it was one of the last dreams I had before waking up, so it's been on my mind all day. I woke up hot and bothered, not surprisingly. Passion unfulfilled. I do not have a crush on him anymore, though I believe his personality has improved. He isn't quite as angry and self-righteous as he became when the Iraq war started. He's more like the old Tim, laid back, funny, and now more gentlemanly. If only he weren't Atheist and sooo horny. There are qualities in him that I would like in a boyfriend.
Just the same, after last night's dream, if he ever leaned against me on the couch tried to sneak in a kiss with a hug, I can't say I'd push him away. :-P No, I am not interested in a FWB, but a peck (or two) wouldn't hurt!