Do what's best for you

I recently had a facebook conversation with someone regarding introversion. Her status update asked, "What is your life story telling you about yourself?" I answered, "That I need to embrace my introversion." She responded with, "Don't let it rule you." The statement bugged me, because that's exactly what I need to do.

For the record, I am not a hermit. My job involves working with people directly. I take dance class and am part of a discussion group on the weekends. Also, I see at least one of my closest friends once a month. On top of that, I have three people I attend Mass with on Sundays. So I'm an introvert with good social skills. ;-)

However, I have recently seen the light. Over and over again, society devalues introverts. We are told to "be more outgoing," "get out of our shells," "talk more." In other words, introversion is seen as a negative that needs to be remedied. How often are extroverts told to "be less outgoing," "go into your shell," or "talk less?" Although I agree socializing is beneficial to the soul (humans are social creatures after all), I disagree that wanting to crawl in a shell necessarily means one is anti-social. On top of that, solo activities, such as reading a book, painting, journaling or taking a bath, are seen as "doing nothing." Those are unnecessary luxuries. Bathing I suppose is a necessity, but bathing just for the sake of relaxing might be seen as a luxury. In America, we "live to work," not "work to live," after all.

The Shy Single taught me a valuable lesson though, especially in terms of dating. One of the messages of the book was to put oneself in dating situations where one is at one's best. So if you bumble and fumble at "Single's Events," where it's you and a bunch of strangers, don't do that. If you're intimidated at fancy restaurants, don't take your date there. Figure out in which situations you are most comfortable, and seek out those. Although going out my comfort zone sometimes improved me, at other times, it put me in awkward, uncomfortable situations. The only lesson learned in those cases was, "Don't do that again."

I like first dates to be at cute, independent coffee shops followed by a walk in the park (weather permitting). So I've gone on most dates at the same cafe. I don't like eating on first dates and I don't like meeting at night, so I try to avoid both those. Tea and a walk in the park suit me fine. I'm most comfortable (and therefore most charming) on such dates.

So although my friend/mentor meant well, she didn't realize the inherent bias in her statement. I will no longer fight who I am nor will I be ashamed of it. Sometimes I prefer solitude to people, and it's nothing that needs to be fixed. There is nothing wrong with nightly "me time."

Chatrooms aka Social Wastelands

In my continued attempts to "put myself out there" in ways most suitable to my introverted personality, I decided to start going into chatrooms again. When I was circa 14 years old, I was a regular in a few chatrooms. I talked to people from all over the world, mostly about our favorite music. I had joined chatrooms relating to my favorite bands and TV shows. Now, I know that there are perverts, pedophiles and sexophiles in chatrooms. Occasionally, I'd get messages asking for A/S/L and if I wanted to "cyber." However, chatting was overall positive, friendly and fun. Also, I have a couple friends who actually met their spouses in chatrooms. So I figured, why not check these out again after about a decade hiatus?

Wow. What has happened? I downloaded ICQ again and perused some Yahoo chatrooms and was appalled by the caliber of people in those particular rooms! Everyone was just asking "A/S/L?" and looking for a good time, to put it politely.

I decided to go into a "Christianity" chatroom in hopes of doing some faith sharing. I ended up in a "debate" with some Atheists and was trying to defend my beliefs and faith at 11:00 at night. Needless to say, I was not in the mood for a fight, I mean debate :-P. I basically asked why these Atheists were in a Christian chatroom, and they answered that it was a public chatroom and therefore it was okay to debate about Christianity there, a somewhat adolescent "it's a free country, there's no rule AGAINST it," response. True, it was a public chatroom and it would actually be very un-Christian to make a chatroom where non-Christians weren't welcomed. But come on. It might be "legal" for a non-Christian to be in the room, but is it really moral to go into a Christian chatroom with the intent of proving the silly, illogical, blind-believing Christians wrong, of picking a fight? If I went to an Islam chatroom, it would be to ask a question, without agenda, i.e. "What's the criteria for meat to be halal?" or "Is it law for Muslim women to wear burkas, or just an optional practice?" I wouldn't be trying to look for holes in their answer and pick a fight! That's disrespectful.

Anyway, after the cybersex requests and attacks from Atheists, I decided to abandon the chatroom idea as a means for meeting new people, at least for the time being. I wonder if the #Jamiroquai or #SailorMoon rooms still exist, and if any of my old online buddies still go?

Read this Book!-The Shy Single

Most people, I imagine, learn how to date by just doing it and asking their friends for advice along the way. However, I'm a bit of research-nut. When I get into something, I read about it. Dating is no exception. So I headed to my favorite public library last week and picked up some books about dating. I threw the books in my basket and covered up the titles because I suddenly was embarassed to be taking out dating books. I hoped the person checking out my books didn't judge me and think "How lame is she that she needs to read 5 books on dating?" My inner, self-conscious 13-year-old emerged ("OMG, everyone is looking at me and judging me").

One of my favorite books of the bunch is The Shy Single: A Bold Guide to Dating for the Less-than-Bold Dater . Although I'm not quite as shy as the book's intended audience, I especially found her breakdown of the 3 stages of a "shyness attack" helpful and applicable to my over-analytical self: 1) Fear of initiation, 2) Circuit overload and 3) Payback. I especially related to the "payback" stage, where one continually runs through past experiences, focusing mainly on what she did wrong. The author gives tips and exercises to help the shy person survive and leave those 3 stages. She also gives reflective questions throughout, which helped me flesh out reasons why I'm single (more on that another day). It helped me solidify my strategy for successful dating.

I definitely plan on buying this book after I return it to my library, and I highly recommend it for any shy or introverted dater.