The Lies of The 40 Year Old Virgin

Don't get me wrong. I love "The 40 Year Old Virgin," because I'm a sap. For those of you who don't know, the movie is about a man who is, well, a 40 year old virgin, and his dating escapades. He soon starts dating a woman in her forties. He doesn't tell the whole truth about his sexual history, initially, for fear of losing her, etc, though they agree to no sex anyway for 30 dates. Once he finally reveals his virginity, she is totally okay with it. No surprise, no shock, no running for the hills.

That's precious, gives me warm fuzzies and fills me with hope, briefly. The hope is brief because upon googling, "Would you date a virgin," the discussions by real people are discouraging to a 20-something virgin. At least here, here and here, a good number of people say "No." Often, the people who say "yes" are either under 23 years old or say "yes" because they want the glory of deflowering someone, like it's a sex merit badge. So the idea that a non-virgin (with kids) in her forties would be totally cool with dating a virgin seems unrealistic when a great deal of nonvirgins in their twenties and thirties wouldn't even bother.

One "no" answer that particularly struck me was when a man said he wouldn't want to be the one to take that woman's "innocence." It reminded me of the "Myths: Dreams, Fears and Idols" chapter of Simone de Beauvoir's The Second Sex. In that chapter, she discusses the myths men have created about women, how they make us seem like some otherworldly, incomprehensible beings. She goes on to discuss how these ideas about women have helped men keep us in a subordinate, "other" position. So on that forum, here was a man putting some lofty idea on a virgin's sexuality: "taking her innocence." By that statement, he made the virgin woman untouchable, too pure to be defiled, childish (and you know you can't have sex with children!)

True, we virgins might have strong convictions about maintaining virginity until marriage/a committed relationship, but we aren't goddesses! We're people, we're flawed. We also have a sexuality. Virgin does not necessarily equal "innocent." Sex is everywhere. We know about sex. We've taken sex ed.

I never required any man I date to be a virgin, but sometimes it looks like my chances of having a relationship with a nonvirgin are nonexistent. Sometimes I think I might as well make that a requirement.

Report back: Speed Dating

Last Friday, before the hustle and bustle of Christmas took over my life, I experienced my first taste of Speed Dating. Speed Dating is basically grownup musical chairs with drinks and conversation. The women sit as the men rotate from girl to girl. You have a brief date which each man, then each person circles "yes" or "no" for each date on their scorecards. This particular speed dating had 16 men and 16 women, and each date was 4 minutes long.

I've heard mixed things about speed dating, and movies like "40 Year Old Virgin" certainly don't help speed dating's rep! However, I think people who are disappointed in Speed Dating tend to expect too much from it. They expect to actually get a longterm relationship or spouse out of it. Some do, most don't. I took it as an opportunity to practice my conversational and flirting skills with new people. It was another way for me to get out of my shell. To my delight, I was successful at keeping the conversation going with all my dates. I used open-ended questions and talked about more than just my job. I also avoided hot topics like politics, religion and family (if someone has parent issues, it can be a hot topic). Also, the majority of men were professionals. No 21 year old college boys! Most of them put their best foot forward for the event (one was drunk).

I don't know who said "yes" to me and no man from that night has contacted me, but that's okay. That wasn't my goal. Also, the Speed Dating company charges another $10 on to find out who said "yes" to me. They emailed me a "match" with his phone number and email, although they sent the same match to my friend. Going with a friend made it easier for me. I'm not ready to go to singles events all alone yet! I need moral support. Anyway, IMHO, if a man who spoke to me last Friday was so enamored by me, HE can call me. I'm not chasing after any man, certainly not after one 4-minute date! That's one gender role I've learned to accept in my dating quest: let the male be the chaser. Let him pay the ten dollars to find my contact info. I refuse to chase a man who's just not that into me.

So yes, I'll try it again. I don't take it too seriously, which makes it more fun, and although I would like to find a spouse or longterm boyfriend by the end of next year, I also just want to have fun. Flirt for flirt's sake. No expectations.