Thursday, July 12, 2012

Should women always let men chase them?

There is an "old" dating rule that is driving me a little crazy.  "Women should let men chase them."

Last night, I was facebook chatting with a friend who is on the dating scene.  When I told her about my online dating escapades, she asked, "Well what about the old-fashioned way?"  After I told her how that isn't working, she said to perhaps just stop looking and perhaps a man will come to me.

My response?  "They don't come to me whether or not I'm looking!"

I googled "should women always let men pursue?" Many results were in the affirmative.

To snag a man, let him do the chasing
Ladies, Let Men Pursue You!
Why You Should NEVER Pursue a Man

One link said women should always do the chasing, but I question anyone who references Ayn Rand.

However, not all my friends followed the "let the man chase you" rule.  Also, sitting back and waiting for a man to pursue puts you in a very powerless position.  It leaves you to their whims.  It turns you into a peacock. Dolling yourself up, on display, waiting for a man to notice you.

One could say to just work on you and not worry about men. So we should keep our eyes closed? Never keep an eye out for opportunities? Aren't men always on the lookout?

Some might argue that "chasing" is desperate.  How is initiating contact more desperate than lifting your skirt, batting your eyes and winking at every cute-ish dude across from you at a bar? Why is it "desperate" for a woman to initiate contact but "normal" for a guy to do so?

Now, the June boy, that I chased a little, said that he wants to stay friends, and I haven't heard from him since 4th of July.  I sent a mass "Happy 4th of July" text to my friends to which he responded.  Whenever guys say that they want to "just be friends" with me, I don't really believe it.  I think they were just feeding me a line to "let me down easy." I didn't hear from them again.

Just say, "Thanks for the nice times, good luck with everything." Man!

I don't know if I turned him off by chasing or if he was never that into me, but it is fun being the pursuer instead of the pursued!  And it's not like I texted him every darn day or begged him to take me out.  I just texted a couple times a week. And I kept my flirting at a low level.  Just occasional compliments. 

My feeling now is, every relationship "expert" has contradictory advice. From now on, I'm just going to do what feels right to me, and if dude don't like it, if he is turned off or threatened by a woman sending the first message online, then he isn't the guy for me.

What do you think? Should women always let the men chase them?


  1. The crazy thing is I get the advice of "Stop searching for love and let it find you, but if the girl isn't looking and I'm not looking, then how will we find each other? If the girl isn't looking for a guy, and the guy isn't looking for a girl, then what do they look for? How do they deal with their feeling of loneliness? I deal with my loneliness by searching for a partner... That's just how I am.

  2. I ask myself this question all the time. The reason it went so well this time with Frodo, I think, is because I pushed and pushed.. and he gave back. I was honest with him. Whether it'll work out in the long run is anyone's guess but if I never did anything, he wouldn't have tried to be in contact with me.
    I'm just trying to let go of all these rules and just be honest because I'm finding that anyone who plays by them ends up unhappy. People who are easy going don't have a problem finding the right partners, the right jobs and a fruitful life.

  3. Hello! Your blog is very interesting and well written!
    I'm in the same boat as i haven't dated since my previous relationship. I commend you that you've kept your virginity!
    I think personally while it's a great thing to be proactive also holding back can be good as well. A great thing that we've been doing at my church is hanging out and meeting people in small groups. I provides a way to meet people, develop friendships, and get to know people for who they are while growing in relationship with Christ. Traditional dating opens doors for compromising behaviors and often peoples motives are wrong, but in a small group of like minded singles can create friendships and ultimately relationships based on the hearts of the person. Even though I havent found anyone yet, my small group from church has been a great blessing to me.

  4. Casey-My thoughts exactly. Men seize opportunities, why not us?

    girl-I know other couples where the woman pushed. And I agree. Trying to follow the rules all the time just drives you crazy.

    Brandon-Thanks for reading. And yes, I enjoy small groups at my church too. I was going to a church that had a huge young adult population, but it was far too big for me. I only knew 4 people in the group, really. At my current church, the young adult group is smaller, but I feel like I know them better and they do more things I like. Not every event is centered around drinking and mingling with a bunch of strangers. No prospects at church, but a good group. A blessing.