The Virgin Single

Where should I look for my kind of guy?

2011-10-08T20:27:00.000-07:00

I've been reading the book, Buddhism: Plain and Simple, lately, and have started thinking about it in relation to my lack-of-dating life. In this book, the author, Steve Hagen, discusses "seeing" a lot. He says that Buddhism is partially about really seeing what is in front of you. Not analyzing it, not creating ideas about it, just "seeing," truly seeing.

I went to a few events last month, one of which was aimed at Catholic, young adult singles. Some things were becoming clear to me, once I opened my eyes and really saw what was in front of me.

As soon as I pulled into the lot of the Catholic singles event, I saw a bumper sticker for Bill Brady on one car and another car with a "crisis pregnancy" center bumper sticker. Crisis pregnancy centers are basically pro-life centers. If I wasn't meeting my bestie at this event, I would have left.

Not only were there signs of Republicans, but most of the guys who were there were either too old or way too young for me. The guy who spoke with me the longest actually had kids. And the conversations were mostly boring small talk, like about jobs.

Again, if it hadn't been for "Amy," I would not have stayed longer than an hour. Some other friends of mine happened to be there. The world of Catholic singles in my city is small after all. I talked to them until Amy arrived.

Surprisingly, though, or maybe not so surprisingly, when I went to the community center where I met Jack, I felt very comfortable. Much more comfortable and welcomed than I did at the Catholic event. They were screening a progressive, radical movie. Complete strangers willing to strike up a conversation, usually about social justicey things. And of course, there was a potluck with plenty of vegan-friendly food.

Jack, of course, was a nice addition too.

If I really open my eyes, I see that Catholic young adult events for singles are probably not the place to meet my Mr. Right. Yet I keep going to them. I go to some hippie-liberal-progressive event, that isn't even a "singles" event, and feel much more at home.

Einstein said something like insanity is doing the same thing over and over though you're getting the same result. I'll go to Catholic young adult events for my own spiritual needs. That's it.

Follow me on twitter @flamencokitty

Image: Danilo Rizzuti / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Why I need to stop facebook-stalking

2011-09-13T21:49:00.000-07:00

I facebook-stalk in an attempt to find out if the guy I'm crushing on is crushable. "Is he single?" "Is he straight?" Yes, I have this tendency to crush on guys who are gay, because I have a broken "gaydar."

But facebooking-stalking, lately, has been ruining the fun. It has abruptly stopped my crushing twice. Once I found out info on the guys, I said, "Oh, nevermind. We'll just be friends."

The most recent crush was a guy I met at a community center in my neighborhood three weeks ago. "Jack" is a cute guy. Short, curly black hair. Tan skin. Thick glasses. A few inches taller than me and a thin-to-average build. Super-friendly. And he busted out some Spanish at one point to some people who walked in. Bilingualism is definitely a turn-on for me sometimes. There were a few other volunteers at the center but he couldn't stop talking to me, asking me questions, smiling at everything I say.

I went back to the center over the weekend for a movie night. He actually remembered my name! :) We chatted for a bit before the movie started. After the movie, I ended up conversing with another guy and he ended up talking in another group.

I promptly proceeded to facebook-stalk that night. I only had his first name, but the movie night was posted as an event on facebook. I found him through that. Yes, I have some mad facebook-stalker skills.

Jack's profile was private! Boo. I usually don't friend people, especially people I just met. I let others friend me. But eh, why not? He remembered me, after all. I friended him and mentioned that I was at the movie night. To my delight, he accepted my friend request.

To my dismay, he is six years younger than me. He is also Atheist. Man. Now my crush is gone.

This is why I need to stop facebook-stalking cuties I meet "in real life." I have a rapport with a guy, then I discover incompatibility when I look him up. And it's not something unimportant to me, like music or movie tastes. It's something really important to me, like religion. And then I don't want to pursue him beyond friendship.

Of course when I return to the center for future events, I will gladly stop and have a conversation or two with him. But in the meantime, I guess it's back to okcupid.

Follow me on twitter @flamencokitty.

Image: Stuart Miles / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Do I want a husband, or just sex?

2011-09-07T16:51:00.000-07:00

I have mentioned before that my best friend, Amy, and I are still virgins. She is gung-ho about holding the cherry hostage until marriage.

Right now, I don’t care if I walk down the aisle de-flowered. I haven’t told Amy that I’m not feeling the “wait ‘til marriage” thing anymore.

Anyway, I think we’ve been having similar feelings lately and are interpreting them in different ways. She longs for marriage, like, right now.

For once, Amy’s been trying harder than me to get a man. Her skirts are a little shorter. She’s actually wearing skirts! And heels! And she is finally moving beyond solid colored cardigans and jeans and no makeup. Now she puts makeup on daily, shows a little cleavage and wears bright colors and patterns.

She even started online dating, two years after me. She gave up after a few weeks, though, when she couldn’t get past the online chatting with any guy.

Whenever she talked to a guy online, she told me about why she thought he might be “the one,” why he might make a good husband.

Yes, Amy flat out told me that she really wants a husband. She also hopes the courtship is brief, perhaps only a few months, just like it was with her virginal parents.

And every single time we hang out now, she talks about the lack of men our age in the place. I sometimes don’t even notice. I’m too busy eating or talking to her or whatever.

If Amy is feeling how I’ve been feeling lately, I wonder if it’s really desire for marriage, or if she is just “in heat?”

One of the many reasons I’ve been less active in dating since Spring is because of my toy. Whenever I get all aflutter, satisfaction is just a flick of the switch away. I know Amy has no “toys” and I’m sure she follows the Catholic rule of not pleasuring yourself either.

I can’t imagine the level of sexual frustration that is still pent up in Amy.

I am talking to new guys in public and occasionally send messages on OkCupid. I do try to stay open and alert for guys who are looking my way. I even talked to a guy in a bar recently!

But my level of desperation is not Amy’s. Marriage is not on the horizon for me, and I’m okay with that.

I mean, I still haven’t even been kissed. Let’s get over that hurdle first!

Follow me on twitter @flamencokitty .

Image: Sharron Goodyear / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Is "transgender" a sexual orientation?

2011-09-02T20:44:00.000-07:00

I came across a blog post by Evil Slutopia which discusses why transgender is not a sexual orientation. Come to think of it, no, it isn't a "sexual orientation."

Recently, a friend I have known for nearly twenty years announced that she was going to identify as male from now on. He even emailed some of us and asked for suggestions for a new name.

It was surprising, but only for about thirty seconds.

I already knew my friend had been identifying as "androgynous" for at least a few years. Last year, though, my friend actually showed up on my OkCupid as a match. My friend had listed himself as male and looking for female. I didn't ask my friend about it, as I didn't know if I was supposed to know that he was identifying as male.

It got me thinking, "If [my friend] is biologically female, but identifies as male and is attracted to women, is my friend a lesbian?" Well, lesbians are females who are attracted to females, and my friend doesn't identify as female. But my friend was born with female parts. But biology isn't destiny...

I wondered if I was perhaps thinking too hard about something that really isn't any of my business. And I don't define my friend's sexuality, anyway. He does. And why do I want to put a label on my friend?

Well, I do have almost twenty years of conditioning to re-wire. Even though his new name is on my phone, I still sometimes slip and call him by his former name. I have to ruminate in order for the new identity of my old friend to set in my brain.

But it also goes to show you how sexuality isn't always easy to define. It's not always easy to place someone's sexuality in a nice, neat little box.

Maybe BlogHer was just trying to be more inclusive and open by putting "transgender" as a choice for "sexual orientation." If so, that is definitely commendable. Some people still see homosexuality as sexually deviant, a disorder, even.

However, "transgender," as it says in the effin word, refers to GENDER identity. Just selecting "transgender" doesn't give BlogHer any idea of who the reader is attracted to or what parts the person has. Neither is really any of BlogHer's business anyway, though I get that they ask for outreach and research purposes.

So even though he still has the girly parts (I think...) and likes women, I don't see my friend as a lesbian. He's not a woman at heart, so labels for women don't fit him. As far as I can see on OkCupid, he is identifying as a straight male.

And it makes me wonder, if I was dating a man, and right before things got "serious," I found out he was a biologically a woman, would I still want to be with him? Would you? That sounds like a future blog post...

Follow me on twitter @flamencokitty.

What are good vibrators for virgins?

2011-08-26T19:58:00.000-07:00

So I finally have been playing around with my "Stats" tag on blogger. I discovered that quite a bit of you have been visiting my post regarding whether or not a vibrator can de-flower you. Well, if that's what the public wants...

FYI I did also blog about lessons I've learned from the toy, in case you're interested. But I also wanted to share some of the tips I learned about buying a vibrator.

Firstly, you can buy the toys at adult toy shops or online. Online will often have a bigger selection, but I wanted to go in person because I wanted one IMMEDIATELY. My mailbox also isn't secure, and I certainly did not want the package mailed to my mother!

If you're comfortable, you can also ask the salespeople questions, like "How should I clean this?" They won't care how kinky your questions are. Seriously. Look where they work...

Especially if you're a virgin, be conservative with the size you choose for your first toy. Don't get a rabbit, no matter how cool it looks. It'll probably hurt!

For virgins and other vibe beginners, rule of thumb, or maybe rule of fingers, is that whatever vibrator you get should be about the same width as your middle and index finger put together. Kinda like a fat tampon.

"Bullet" type vibrators are usually a good choice for virgins. An adjustable speed is very nice too. If you plan to play in the tub, waterproof ones are available too.

With lubricant, water-based is usually the best option for most materials. Yes, you will need lube. For real. If you aren't sure which to get, ask a salesperson.

Those tips seemed to work well for me, though now I think I am ready to "upgrade..."

Do you have any other tips for toys? Any recommendations? Feel free to share here or tweet me @flamencokitty.

Image: Salvatore Vuono / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

How much is too much on OkCupid?

2011-08-22T20:01:00.000-07:00

I recently read a blog post by SingleGalNYC about some of her online dating woes, particularly when it comes to "small talk" on OkCupid. I still struggle with figuring out how much is too much in their "You should message me if," section.

On the one hand, one of the things I can't stand on online profiles is vagueness. It drives me nuts when guys, I suppose in an act of desperation, say "If you like anything in my profile, hit me up." So on my profile, I say some of the things I'm looking for in a guy.

But how much should I say?

I don't go as far as saying what I want my ideal man to look like, what kind of home he should have or how much money he should be making. But I never know for sure if I'm also "preventing the chemistry from unfolding." Are guys turned off by a woman who is explicit in her dealbreakers?

But then again, do I want a guy who gets so bothered by someone who knows what she wants? After all, it doesn't bother me when a guy is specific about who should message him.

Perhaps the best thing, in the end, is just to be who I am. My ideal matches, after all, won't be frightened away by a woman who says five things she is looking for in a guy. He'll say, "Hey, that sounds like me," and drop me a hello.

Image: kanate / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Follow me on twitter @flamencokitty

Why I can't be a consecrated virgin

2011-08-09T22:27:00.000-07:00

Pledge to stay a virgin for life? Are you kidding me?

I came across an article about consecrated virgins from July 2011. It wasn't my first time hearing about these women. A fellow virgin friend of mine told me about them a few years ago. She recommended I consider whether or not God is calling me to the life of a consecrated virgin.

I considered it...for about thirty seconds. No. Thank. You

Now of course, there is always the possibility that I will remain a virgin for life anyway because I have no luck with guys, apparently. Becoming a consecrated virgin also isn't the same as becoming a nun. When you're a nun, you have to go wherever your superiors tell you go and do follow the mission of your order. Consecrated virgins can still live their old life, minus dating.

Still, I don't want to close off possibilities completely! I don't know if I'm being called to a romantic relationship, but I'm not feeling the lifelong, voluntary virginity. What if I finally meet a Mr. Right after "marrying" Jesus? What to do, then?

Besides, although I'm technically a virgin, I have a "toy." I know you don't have to be little Miss Perfect and Pure to be a nun. I've know nuns that have cussed, talked about cute guys and didn't dress like school marms all the time. Still, I would have a really hard time ignoring all my biological urges for life. It's not okay for a consecrated virgin or nun to own an adult toy. Masturbation is a sin in the Catholic Church.

I wish all the consecrated virgins the best. I hope that their relationship with God and Jesus is strengthened because of their choice. However, although consecrated virginity is opening their world, it would close mine.

Image: Sura Nualpradid / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Where the single boys at?

2011-08-04T22:28:00.000-07:00

I had neglected my mission to go to bars by myself, but recently started up again. I don’t know if I’m picking the wrong bars, the wrong times, or both, but for some reason, I am not running into many young, single guys. At all the bars I’ve gone to, the majority of young men there were with girls.

Apparently, I’m going at the “date hour,” or something.

So, I posted a status update to facebook asking where young single guys go. Two people, only one of whom was a girl, responded. I wish more of my guy friends would have jumped in but oh well. I’m not so sure this is the most inclusive list, but here are my friends’ answers:

-serious sports bars

-a place where I’m likely to be the only female, like golf clubs, boating clubs or craft brew bars

-ski trip

-improv shows

-cougar bars

-sporting events

-barbecues

Is that about right? Are there other places that single guys, who are over 25 and under 35, frequent? Where the young, single guys at?

By the way, you can now stalk, er, follow me on twitter @flamencokitty

Mission Boudoir: Adding a Bit of Bettie Page

2011-07-27T20:06:00.000-07:00

I'd like to give a shout-out to eBay, especially the eBay stores. They are still my favorite source for cheap posters and prints that I can't find easily in real life.

It's easy to find Marilyn memorabilia. She's everywhere. But Bettie? I have to go online to find her, or at least to find a selection of her.

I work part-time over Summer, so I don't have as much disposable income as during the rest of the year. But I had enough money in PayPal to treat myself to a "sexual totem." I have moved my goofy tchotchkes from the top of my room's book shelf and replaced them with Bettie, candles, and pretty empty wine bottles.

My camera phone doesn't really do my display justice, but you get the idea.

There were so many prints I liked! However, since people sometimes come to visit me, and one of the entrances to my apartment goes through my room, don't ask why, I didn't want to make any guests uncomfortable with a pic of Bettie in her underoos, rolling off a knee-high nylon.

I mean, I knew it would be in my room, but still.

I thought the print was still sexy, fun, and matched my idea of female sexuality. She's also clad-enough that I don't think anyone who passes through my room, should they notice her, will be weirded out. Dad recently stopped by to feed the kitties when I went out of town, and he didn't ask about it.

By the way, the candles smell all musky and earthy. Of course they are soy candles and locally made by Scented Seasons. Yes, I know you can't smell the candles online, but if you live in Illinois or Northwest Indiana, perhaps they will be coming to a farmer's market or fair near you.

And no, they didn't pay me to plug them.

The scents I got were Happy Hippie, Woodstock, and Earth Angel. They're all basically sandalwood with some other stuff. Happy Hippie is my favorite.

So in terms of the five senses, I've got smell and have begun sight. Hopefully, the next change will be touch with soft, more-than-200-count-thread bedsheets...

Mission Boudoir: Making brown romantic

2011-07-02T21:06:00.000-07:00

As part of my project to get more "bad girl totems," I am tackling my bedroom. I truly believe that your home is more than the place where you sleep and store your food. It is a physical manifestation of you. The bedroom is the sexuality center of the home. Besides the bathroom, it is the most private, most intimate space. This is where sexuality reaches it's climax. It is therefore, the representation, the manifestation, of your sexuality.

Or so I like to think.

Anyway, I've taken an interest in boudoirs lately. I love the idea of a private, girly space that is only for the woman of the house (and whoever she chooses to invite). A place to relax, get pretty, and be sexy. Most women who live with someone else just don't have the space to have their own boudoir separate from the bedroom they share with their mate. The nice thing about living by myself is my bedroom can be my boudoir. I must take advantage of this opportunity.

Even though I think my room is cute, it does not scream "sex." I ask myself, "If I had a man, would I want to bring him in here?" I mean, I know most men probably could care less if the bedroom looks like a boudoir, but do I feel sexy in this space?

The main issue I have right now with my room is the color scheme. Because I rent, I cannot change the wall colors. Three walls are beige and one is chocolate brown. Currently, the color scheme of my fabrics are basically brown, aqua/turquoise, and light green. It's kind of like this.

The color scheme isn't bad. I think I did a good job with buying linens that "go" together. That color scheme is quite popular, actually. It was easy for me to find stuff that was brown-blue-green. But it's not sexy. Not to me anyway. My senses don't really awaken when I walk in my bedroom. I don't feel a rush. My inner sex kitten just keeps right on napping.

And when I look at pictures of "boudoirs," I don't see a whole lot of brown.

Well I can't paint the walls into a hot amber or jewel tone, which is what I really want. I can't even paint white walls that I could dress up with hot, fiery accessories. But I had no idea how to make brown "sexy."

And then I found some inspiration.

So in order to make brown sensual...

1) Use "warm" colored, dim lighting (especially candles). Think shades of yellow.
.
2) Add accessories with deep, dark red.

3) Add gold.

4) Think "rock," like a Greek temple or Turkish bath (marble, stone furniture or accents).

Now I don't feel so limited, or feel like my room will forever be just "cute." I don't need to wait until I buy a condo and paint the walls whatever I want. I can have my boudoir, even with brown walls.

Being a childfree Catholic

2011-06-29T20:34:00.000-07:00

This has been heavy on my mind lately. I don’t talk much about why I don’t want kids because there is already a plethora of blogs, forums and websites that address “childfreedom.” My childfreedom and sexuality are connected though, so it isn’t completely outside the scope of this blog.

It would be inaccurate to say I never ever wanted kids. In high school, I told Mom I would have up to four kids. I even had names picked out for my “future” children. I remember talking about what kinds of toys I would buy, what kind of house I would live in, what I would do with the kids when I got sick of them: “Go outside and don’t come back in until dark!”

Looking back, though, I realize that there is a difference between “planning” for something and “wanting” something. Even though I had some Hallmark images of what being a parent would be like, pregnancy frightened and disgusted me. I also knew there was always the possibility that my kids could grow up to be psychopaths. It rubbed me the wrong way whenever someone said, “The most womanly thing you can do is have a baby,” though at the time, I did not understand why it bothered me…

Growing up, parenthood was never presented as optional, especially not in a Catholic context. If you got married, you had kids, unless something was wrong with your body.

In my mind, sex, marriage and children were all intertwined. The Catholic Church teaches that sex has two functions: building the bond of a married (heterosexual) couple and reproduction. Essentially, sex isn’t fully “sex” unless it is fun for the couple and open to procreation, hence why it should only be done in marriage. Children are supposed to be the physical manifestation/representation of a married couple’s love for each other. So my previous goal was not to marry until I was ready to have kids. Therefore, I did not want to start dating seriously until I was ready to get married. So I really couldn’t start dating until I was ready for kids.

After some extensive soul-searching in my mid-twenties, I realized I will never be “ready” for kids. My life decisions were not leading me to parenthood, and I really wasn’t keen on the idea of being a mom after all. I had become a “fencesitter” in my early twenties. In my mid-twenties, I gladly placed myself on the “childfree” side of the fence.

Right after I came to this realization, I went to a friend’s wedding. During the reception, the priest started talking about the couple’s future family. I thought, “That will never be me up there. I will never get married, because I am never having kids.”

A couple months later, though, I read an article in a local newspaper about married couples who chose not to have kids. I thought, “You can do that?” That idea captured my imagination.

The thought of being married to a man and raising kids with him was weird, uncomfortable, scary, strange, even nauseating. But to just be married to a man, to have all the years of marriage be like everyone else’s “early years of marriage, before the kids were born,” that sounded exciting! Soon after I read that article, I made online dating profiles.

So my childfreedom is actually what motivated me to date. I no longer saw kids as necessary to marriage. Of course, this does not fly in the Catholic (or perhaps any) Church. Human sterilization is actually a “mortal sin” (though you can actually still get married despite being sterilized) and a Catholic marriage has to be open to children. So how do I survive in this Church?

As pro-natal as the Church is, the Church also recognizes the many gifts of single people. Many Catholic saints neither married nor had kids, and the Church points to them as examples of how we should live. Also, because I live in a major Catholic city, I have choices for parishes. I previously attended a parish that mainly held events for families with children and senior citizens. They had nothing for single young adults (without kids). I now attend a parish with a high young adult population. It hosts events for young adults weekly. There is actually a middle-aged married couple who joins in the activities too, and they have no kids. I never asked them why they had no kids, but it inspires me. They found a place. I can too.

How does it feel to never have been kissed?

2011-06-23T21:48:00.000-07:00

Awful. Crappy. Awfully crappy.

It is easy to say, “I will not have sex until marriage,” when you have never been in the throngs of passion. Am I untouched because I pull my hand away when guys reach for it, or turn my head away when guys lean in for a kiss?

No!

Guys do not reach for my hand, do not lean in for a kiss. Perhaps my virginity has created a “hands-off,” aura around me. This is fine when dirty old men on the corner yell, “Hey! Can I tap that?” This is a problem when I'm with guys I like.

Sometimes, I do want a guy to play with my blouse. But they don't. The only time guys have ever touched me in the bathing suit area was strangers grabbing my butt at a nightclub. Eww.

So when I liked a guy, I have tried to give hints that physical contact was welcome on date number two. While walking together down the street, I made sure that nothing was in my hands, got a hand within a centimeter of his, and kept it open. When riding with the guy in a car, I leaned in, laughed, smiled and held eye contact. I sat next to the guy on the train and got close enough that our thighs touched and arms kept brushing, with all those smiles and eye contact and leaning in. Once on a movie date, I put my arm on the arm rest next to him.

Nothing.

The guy at the movie didn't even do that cliché move of stretching and putting his arm around my shoulders! I just don't know what to do. Either I'm too subtle or the guys are too disinterested. I don't know. I guess I have to sit on the guy's lap, wrap my arms around his neck, stick my face right in his and part my lips.

I don't know if I want to be with a guy who needs such a not-so-subtle hint…

It is difficult to keep being assertive, to initiate contact, when even after you initiate contact, they still do not ask you out. Or when you go out with them, they do not make a move. I try to persist, but it is hard.

So I think, “Let the guys come to me.” I need proof. I have seen what my guy-friends do when they like a girl. They chase, even the shy ones chase. The girls just have to sit and exist. The guys run to them.

Guys are not running after me. I try to watch for a guy who is checking me out, but usually, no one's looking. Once a month, MAYBE one attractive guy will check me out. If I get any male attention, it is from horndogs on the corner.

So whenever my non-virgin friends complain about not feeling sexy, I think, “Well at least someone screwed you!” Some days I think some good guys out there will not just see me as a sweet, nice, intelligent FRIEND who they respect. Yes, guys have told me they “respected me,” and therefore just wanted to stay friends. What? You cannot simultaneously desire and respect the same woman?

Yet sometimes I think, “Stop kidding yourself. You're average-looking at best. You don't have a ‘milkshake,’ no matter how many bellydance classes you take. You are a prude nerd in bellydance clothing. You're holding back a ‘cookie’ that probably isn't even good. What man in his late twenties or early thirties wants to work for bad, virgin sex? You're hopeless. Go play with your cats.”

The Good Girl’s Guide to Bad Girl Sex: Good and Bad Girl totems

2011-06-17T15:34:00.000-07:00

In The Good Girl's Guide…, Keesling talks about good and bad girl totems. Bad girl totems are tangible symbols, objects one has in her home that help reconnect her to her sensual core. At Keesling's home, for example, is a statue of a woman who is posed sensually. According to her, a concrete object placed prominently in your home can help remind you that it is okay to be sexual. It helps set free the bad girl within.

However, in addition to “bad girl” sexual totems, there are also “good girl” totems. Good girl totems are objects from your girlhood that actually reconnect you to your chaste, childish self. These, therefore, can hinder your blooming sexuality. So in addition to placing a conspicuous sexual totem in your home, you also need to get rid of or hide those things that tie you to your inner little girl.

Like most humans, I like the concrete. I do believe external objects can connect us to internal experiences. So I heeded this advice. Looking around my apartment, I realized that I had displayed girlhood objects in my living room and, even worse, my bedroom.

Of course, I am not going to dispose of old keepsake dolls. However, I decided to store most of them out of sight. Only my Scarlett O’Hara doll remains. Even though I received her when I was as a super-chaste teenager, I think it does help reconnect me to my sensuality. Scarlett is definitely a fiery, spirited woman, so I like having her near. I can't say that putting away the toys has completely unleashed my inner vixen, but my apartment does feel different.

I still haven't found a sexual totem though. I mean, Scarlett is okay for now. But she's still a little too safe. She is on display on my living room's “Gone with the Wind” shelf. I need something for my bedroom.

And I have an idea of what I want.

My favorite pin-up girl is Bettie Page. Now I know she posed for some scandalous bondage photos, of which I am not a huge fan (though some are cool). But I love her mischievous smile and “sexy girl next door” attitude. Her little “peep show” dance routines are too funny. She just shakes and prances and teases. I try to channel her spirit whenever I'm on stage. Burlesque in general interests me, though I still haven't gone to a Burlesque show. I want something Burlesque-y or Bettie Page-y. Maybe a poster of her on my wall. Maybe a Burlesque book on displayed on my shelf. Those seem to awaken my dormant “bad girl.”

So here is a taste of my favorite "bad" girl, Bettie.

Follow me on twitter @flamencokitty

Am I Too Picky?

2011-06-16T13:04:00.000-07:00

To celebrate my hundredth post, I'm honoring pickiness!

In our young adult meeting last night, we slipped into talking about dating. After sharing a few of my dating woes, I told the moderator/minister that some of my friends have accused me of being too picky. After a quizzical look, she said, "But it's for the rest of your life. You're looking for someone you want to sit up with when you're seventy." A single mom in the group added, "When you let go of your standards, then you end up with a baby."

It's nice to talk to people who "get" it.

The moderator added, "Now if you're looking for just a little summer love, you shouldn't be picky, but if you're looking for the rest of your life, that's different."

So I googled "picky date," "picky dating,"etc, and found the following pictures. Enjoy!

Where do all the single men work?

2011-05-25T18:29:00.000-07:00

One of the many reasons why I am still single is because I just do not encounter a lot of men daily, particularly at work. I live in a neighborhood full of millennials, which helps with "chance encounters," but my industry is predominantly female. There are no men at my job, at all.

I am contemplating a career change. Not to find a man...necessarily. However, I am considering a career in a field that has more men. Actually, I think it’s predominantly male (woohoo!). So just for fun, I decided to google which jobs are male-heavy. Some I would have thought of on my own (like construction), but it was fun to just see more official lists and get more ideas. With some help from about.com, NEW and the Florida Times, here is a list of jobs dominated by men:

Architects
Engineers
Firefighters
Detectives
Construction inspectors
Welders
Chefs
Barbers
Clergy
Computer repairers
Railroad conductors
Machinists
Truck drivers
Pilots
Small engine mechanics
Utilities

So if you’re thinking of a career-change, why not put yourself in the place of more suitors? Although, if you are a construction worker, I guess the men might not find you all that feminine or womanly. Well, that is, until you come to the holiday party all dolled-up! You can also work behind the desk in some of these industries though as the accountant, secretary, lawyer, etc. Why not consider it?

Always be ready for an encounter

2011-05-17T12:17:00.000-07:00

When I was a teenager, men often flirted with me at the laundromat, of all places. That always boggled my mind. My hair was a mess. I was dressed in old gym shoes, jogging pants and an oversized winter coat. So not-sexy. Plus, I was fifteen, and have always looked three or more years younger than my age. I thought, "Eww, dirty old men!" Although laundry day provided me-time to listen to my Discman and finish my homework, on those days, I liked it when my father stopped by the laundromat a bit too early.

No one had approached me at the laundromat since high school, until Sunday.

I saw a young-ish man checking me out. Well, I thought I did. I am notorious for misinterpreting signals. Anyway, he was kinda cute, to me anyway. It was hard to fully gauge his cuteness as he was dressed in ratty laundry-day clothes, but he had a cute face. I walked past him a few times to verify my suspicions (and give him something to look at in case he was checking me out...).

This laundromat has a room with wifi where you can work on your laptop. I sat in there and net-surfed while my clothes were drying. The young man stopped in and asked, "Do you think my clothes are dry yet?" I replied I didn't notice when he started the dryer but it was seven minutes per quarter. He glanced at my laptop and then said, "Let me show you something. Go to youtube." He showed me a variety of silly youtube videos that he liked. Some were funny and some were mindless time wasters, but he was cute and had a nice smile and pretty eyes, so I didn't mind the company. :-P He showed me some clips of his favorite anime too. Wow, we anime fans can sniff each other out anywhere, huh? I have been out-of-touch with all things anime since high school, however.

Of course, I was taking mental notes of said boy as we talked, well, he talked, rather. He had a specialized knowledge (plus), he was friendly without being all "hey baby, hey hot stuff" (plus), he could hold a conversation (plus), he took the initiative to approach me (plus). Oh, and yeah, he was cute. I was playing "makeover" in my head, imagining how he might look when he wasn't in laundry-day gear. I wasn't sure how old he was, knew no details like job, school, or whatnot, and didn't want to go there, really. All I knew was he was a friendly, youngish guy in my neighborhood who knew how to do his own laundry and shares an interest with me.

He eventually said, "Hey, do you have facebook?" It was one of the tabs on my computer screen so I had to say, "Yes." He said, "Here, friend request me." Twitter is actually for my professional stuff, which I would have been more comfortable giving, but he didn't have Twitter, so I facebooked him. Whoa, how did he manage to get a facebook friend request out of me? This guy's good. I figured if the guy turned out to be weird, I could always delete him later. I guess this was his equivalent of asking a girl for her number.

I googled his name later (of course) and found out that he was actually twenty-years old. Ew, he can't even drink legally yet? That's almost a ten year difference. Darn google. Why did I have to google him and spoil my fun? Anyway, I have to give the young guy kudos for doing what guys my age don't do (anymore?). I know I was giving off "leave me alone" body language, though I was consciously trying to be more approachable.

But this boy did exactly what any match needs to do with me. The guy needs to approach me, but he needs to do it in a friendly way. No "hey beautiful, hey baby girl, can I talk to you?" Just come and talk to me, maybe talk about a "prop" I'm carrying. He needs to actually be able to talk about something other than work or school. He needs to be persistent, even when I'm giving off "leave me alone," signals (like me saying, "I have to get going"). Is it a lot? Yeah, maybe. But he got a friend request out of me, which gives a lot of access to my personal, inner world. I don't even give that to guys I contact on okcupid. I don't even give out my phone number until right before I meet a guy! So his persistence worked.

How to (indirectly) let him know he isn't getting any...

2011-05-04T18:17:00.001-07:00

In hindsight, I have realized that some of the men I dated might have been expecting something to happen after the date. They asked, "So, you up for anything else?" "You want a ride home? (after the first date)" "You wanna go anywhere else." I, of course said, "No," but later thought, "Wait, what were they really asking for?" I know I didn't give off much (if any) "Take me now," body signals. I never discuss sex on dates.

Now, however, I've figured out a few ways to let the guys indirectly know that nothing is happening after the date, in case they couldn't figure it out by our lack of sex talk and me only hugging them after the date.

1) Put a time limit on the date-I tell guys when we're setting up the date that I will only have 45 minutes to an hour.

2) Schedule dates in the afternoon or early evening-Apparently, if the date is after sundown, some guys seem to assume the date is going to go all night. Schedule it early!

3) Have a lie ready, especially if you have to meet after dark-Of course, if he's nosy and asks what you have going on after the date, you could be honest and say, "Oh, I'm just tired," or "Oh I need some me-time," as "None of your business" is probably too mean. :-P However, implying that you'll be home alone might leave the door open for him to pester you and say, "Well, do you want a little company?..." I always have a stock lie ready (which I have yet to use): my neighbor is having a girls-night-in at her apartment.

4) Have your own way to get home-It seems some guys think of a ride home as a down payment for action. Is that some "game" thing? If you offer a girl for a ride and she says "Yes," that means she wants you to come to her apartment? I don't know all the "rules." If I wanted him to come upstairs, I wouldn't have waited until the car ride to tell him so!

Whenever I have put a limit on the date and scheduled the dates by day, I never had a slightly awkward, "So, you wanna do anything else," conversation. But even the guys who were hoping for some action on date one seem to get it after date two, and I never hear from them again (thankfully).

Working through "The Good Girl's Guide to Bad Girls Sex"

2011-04-25T12:23:00.000-07:00

I found a copy of The Good Girl's Guide to Bad Girl Sex in the bargain book section and simply had to get it. How can I resist the title? It just might be a $7.00 well spent.

Of course, the book assumes the person reading it is not a virgin, which just makes me feel like an even bigger baby as I read it! It's self-helpy, but so far, I think it will be fun and helpful even if I don't do every single "exercise."

I did begin the first exercise in the book, however. In the exercise, Keesling asks the reader to write down times from her past where her sexual development was stifled by someone else. An example might be looking at pictures of naked men in a magazine and your momma saying, "No, stop that!" It can be a distinct memory, or a feeling, or a mashing of memories.

As I brainstormed all the times I received the message "sex(uality) was bad" in childhood (and boy, there were a lot), I discovered something in particular that was unsettling. My father was very controlling of me growing up (it's fun to be the oldest). I thought I had successfully rid myself of the chains he held on me in childhood during my adult life. Looking at my sexual repression list, though, I saw what a huge impact he had on my sexual development, and that I actually haven't shaken all of his problematic teachings. I'm not as free of him as I thought I was.

A few examples of lessons from dear old dad (some more problematic than others):

When I was 10, I had a peasant shirt that could be worn off-shoulder. Dad said to cover my shoulders. (I only show them in public now at the beach).

I was forbidden from wearing skirts that did not go below the knee (Most of my skirts are knee-length or longer).

No slits in skirts either (I still don't have any skirts with slits...).

No makeup until age 16 (I rarely wear it now).

No dating until age 16 (I didn't really start until I was 25).

If I was dancing and started shaking my hips, Dad said to stop.

Dad always told me that "Men and boys are only looking for one thing!" Wonder why I'm so distrustful of men...

It was basically a whole lot of "Don't show men any remotely sexual part of your body, ever" and "Stay away from males."

Even Mom, though, had a bigger influence than I thought. I thought she was the more lenient parent, but she had a few doozies too. The major one she told me at age six? "Only your husband or doctor should see you naked."

And here I thought the Catholic Church was the main one to blame for me saying, "I'm not having sex until marriage."

Were my parents trying to sexually repress me? Did they only have my best interests at heart? Were they just trying to protect me? No, yes and yes. Should I keep pointing the finger at my parents for my issues in adulthood? No. The beauty of adulthood is now you can turn around the errors of childhood, start anew.

And with The Good Girl's Guide... (and other aids like it), I hope to do just that.

Lessons learned from the toy

2011-04-19T14:04:00.000-07:00

In lieu of having a real guy to play with, I ventured to an adult toy store a couple months ago for my own un-birthday gift. Now, I do hear that playing with a toy is not the same as playing with a man. Playtime with a toy, no matter how satisfying, cannot substitute 100% the experience with a guy.

Well actually, I take that back. Word on the street is that sometimes playtime with a toy can be more satisfying than playtime with a man…

Anyway, I figured a toy can still help me learn what I like, help loosen things up before I play with a real man (per the recommendation of a toy website I visited, I bought a toy that is about the width of two of my fingers) and satisfy urges enough for the time being. During our relationship, I have learned some things which I think will apply when…ok if, I actually play with a real man.

1) If you are not relaxed, nothing is going in. Or if it does squeeze in without relaxation, it hurts!
2) Lube helps, particularly when one has not sufficiently “warmed up.”
3) But too much lube means little-to-no-feeling...
4) Your mind should be relaxed and all Zen-like. Just let go and go with the flow.
5) Experiment (with intensity, speed, position).
6) Experiment with different times of day. Forget caffeine to jumpstart the morning!
7) Breathe.
8) Wash.
9) Experiment with the environment (music, no music, some light, no light).
10) Move with the music!
11) See what room temperature works. For me, I usually need to turn off the space heater, just like when I do other exercise. Go figure.
12) The exception to number 4: fantasize that someone (else?) is with you…

What should I do when a cute guy is checking me out?

2011-04-13T12:52:00.000-07:00

My flirt development reached a new milestone over the weekend!

My Flamenco teacher hosted a birthday party for one of my dancemates, “A.” I attended thinking it would be a small affair. Just some Flamenco sisters of mine.

However, as soon as I walk in the door, I find A fumbling around in the kitchenette as she chats with four, young, male friends of hers. My teacher is MIA.

Guys? There are guys here? I have walked into a sea of strangers!

Maybe “sea of strangers” is strong, but there were even more people I did not know in the backyard.

Now, a seasoned flirter rejoices at situations where she knows no one. Flirting opportunities, yay! Well, I still despise (and avoid) parties where I only know two people. Posses of young men intimidate me. I walked to the backyard, hoping to find my teacher.

Well, I fell into my habit of just sitting by the food and spent the first hour talking to other women. However, my peripherals noticed one of A’s cute guy friends (who I first saw inside) sitting a few feet to my right. Fair skin, medium-build, short black hair, glasses with plastic black frames, jeans that actually fit, a little peachfuzz on the face. My type, physically.

My peripherals also noticed, though, that every other time I spoke, Cutey looked my way. Wha? Not possible.

After chatting with the two ladies at the food table, I moved to another seat and conversed with another woman. I was then across from him (though six feet away), and again I noticed that nearly every time I said something, he looked at me, sometimes smiling or laughing. I thought, “Well, he is the one who is in a group. Let him come to me if he really wants to talk.” But honestly, I also thought it impossible that a guy as cute as him would be checking me out. I needed proof that he really was into me before I approached him.

After an engrossing conversation with my dance teacher (so engrossing that I stopped paying attention to Cutey), I headed inside to make a stovetop s'more. The two little kids at the party walked in and of course were intrigued by the s'more and asked me about it, but then pranced away. Next comes Cutey.

Cutey? Could he be following me? Ha! No way. Guys don't follow me! Anyway, he just asked where the paper towels were.

But were paper towels all he wanted?

A little more confident now (or perhaps just running away with my internal romance novel), I strolled back outside…to the food table. Cutey was standing there. I stood by Cutey and grabbed some bread. He reached over to grab wine. Someone said something funny. We both laughed. He was still standing just a foot away, body facing mine. I said something about the food. He smiled (or laughed, I don't remember).

“Should I say something? Is this an opportunity? I always miss opportunities. I am going to kick myself all night if I still do not talk to a guy even when he is checking me out. But maybe he isn't checking me out. Hey, he is still next to me…”

I reached out my hand and introduced myself. An hour-long conversation ensued, and I left the party about 90 minutes later than I originally planned.

Unbelievable! I achieved something I never thought I could achieve on a night that I had zero expectations of talking to any new guys. I broke the ice with a guy I met “in real life.”

This weekend, I picked up a Flirting Bible from Borders’ clearance section. According to this "bible," there were a few things I did wrong. I think I got a lot of the body language right, but now I need to learn what to actually say. Still, even though Cutey did not ask for my number, we carried on an extended conversation, and he invited me to sit with him as we moved back to his posse to talk. So I still consider that a HUGE step for me. I must have done something right. And anyway, one should not just flirt just for the ends, the number. Flirt for flirting's sake, right?

I may never meet Cutey again, but that night gave me some more confidence. Yes, there are guys who are my type and find me attractive. I must not hesitate to introduce myself when a cute guy is making it pretty clear that he wants to know me better…

Why don't nerdy men date their own kind?

2011-04-07T12:24:00.000-07:00

I reread one of my favorite blog entries, Revenge of the Nerds. I stumbled across it while googling “dating nerds” a while back. Although Von was talking about black nerds, I think what she said could apply to many non-black nerds too.

In her post, Von was basically telling nerdy black men to STFU. Apparently these men keep complaining that all the hot black girls (“dime pieces”) only go for the thugs and are overlooking these “good” nerds. She makes several points. First off, not every black man is either a thug or a nerd. She defines a nerd as an oogly mofo with no charisma, no social skills, poor fashion, book smarts and a lot of bitterness toward black women. Think Steve Urkel. She differentiates this group of guys from black intellectuals, who are super smart but also have charisma, social skills and know how to pick out a suit. Think Barack Obama. There are plenty of black men within the spectrum of smart with no swagga (nerds) and dumb with swagga (thugs).

Secondly, she points the mirror right back at the nerdy black guys who call the dime pieces “superficial” for turning them down because the dimes do not find them attractive. Von asks nerdy black men why they are not going after female black nerds? Instead, they complain and pursue the “reject” White women (like the chubby ones) and find those reject white women more attractive than nerdy black women. In her own words, “You want a dime piece black woman, but you'll settle for a nerdy marginal white woman [Linda Gates]. You wouldn't accept a black female version of yourself but you would accept a marginal white woman. Tell me what's wrong with this picture!”

According to Von, of course the dime is going to reject a bitter, “ugly,” socially awkward nerd who hasn't made any money yet. However, there are dimes who will still turn down a black nerd after he makes his money, because they see that underneath the Benjamins is that same bitter personality. Money can't cure every fault. I have to agree that even though I like guys who are nerdy, bitterness toward women is a turn off.

Now Von isn't the final authority on the black nerd dating scene, of course. I mean, who is? And I don't agree with everything she says. For example, while I concur that some nerds look like Chewbacca, beauty is relative. However, as a nerdy mixed gal (I say “nerdy” as opposed to nerd, as I don't think I'm completely lacking in swagga), I have seen a lot of what she's saying. I have known plenty of black nerds, and only one ever pursued me. And yes, by and large, nerds that I have known (of all colors) did chase the “dimes,” at least in junior high and undergrad (I went to an all-girls high school and so cannot comment on high school dating drama), and then they got all bitter when the “hottest” girls chose the “hottest” guys. Black nerds never give biracial, nerdy me the time of day, and I have nerdy, black girl friends who are single.

I can't really blame the hotties for turning down the nerds. About a year ago, the Discovery Channel showed a documentary about attraction, and said that we basically find out where our hotness stands during adolescence and pair up accordingly. In seventh grade, I learned pretty quickly that I was not a “ten.” I went to a magnet (meaning you had to score high on an entrance exam to get in) junior high, so you would think I would be surrounded by homely nerd girls who would make me look like Beyonce. Not so much. My geekiness was not quite at the level of the “Magic the Gathering” players, but I certainly was not dating a high school senior while in eighth grade (like our class dime, “Erica”). Why would the alpha-female go for a nerd when she knows she can get an alpha-male? The girly girl wants a manly man. Duh.

Yes, my nerdy self does have a celebrity crush on Johnny Depp, but seriously, that skinny guy who's in love with France is not an alpha-male. The Rock could totally kick his ass. Alpha-males don't impress me much, though. I like falsetto (i.e. kinda girly) singers. Robin Thicke makes me swoon. Barry White? Meh. I like longer, ear-length hair on guys (kinda girly) and slim bodies (kinda girly). Glasses are also not a turn-off for me. Flattering frames can be a turn-on, actually. And although I like a guy with some charisma, who is not stumbling and bumbling over every word on a date, a man who will just sit with me in the corner at a party and chat instead of mingling with everyone, is just fine with me.

Some nerds, therefore, I actually find attractive! No shit!

In seventh grade, I did have a little crush on some nerdy, twin, eighth grade boys. They sat at our lunch table. They showed me little to no attention. I don't think I said more than five words to either of them all year. For one, I felt guilty for lusting after boys. However, even if I did want to show them that I liked them, I had no clue how to do so at age thirteen! One might argue that if you like a guy, you should just be proactive, get over your shyness and go for him. But why bother even trying to “get over” your shyness when he isn't paying attention to you, especially if he's chasing a girl who is “prettier” than you? Might as well direct your efforts elsewhere (like your homework) and admire the boy secretly.http://www.blogger.com/img/blank.gif

I do think some nerd men in their mid-late twenties start to get it. I do have nerdy, white girl friends who are dating or are married/engaged to nerdy, white guys. I've gone on dates with nerdy, white, Asian and Latino guys. Despite my “checklist,” most of the guys I know I would happily go on a coffee date with. My checklist is not just to weed out guys I am least likely to like. It's also to narrow the selection to the guys who are least likely to reject me. Anyway, I know plenty of single, nerdy guys that get bitter when they have no luck going beyond the friend zone with the hotties. This they complain about to their single, nerdy, female friends….

Follow me on twitter @flamencokitty

the ballad of the geeky teenybopper

2011-04-04T13:22:00.000-07:00

I do enjoy this song. Not gonna lie.

I've been thinking about this a lot lately...not the song specifically, but the idea. :P I went to an all-girls high school so I didn't experience watching some guy I crushed on since freshman year chasing after (or dating) a girl who was so not right for him. However, based on my experience since high school, I think that had I gone to a co-ed school, Taylor Swift's character totally would have been me. Geeky girl likes geeky guy, but geeky guy likes the girl who's a "ten." At least Taylor has a happy ending. Lucky.

the things guys will do for...

2011-04-03T13:04:00.001-07:00

Sometimes I wonder if I'm too hard to match. Firstly, I'm Vegan, and how many men want to date Vegans? Seriously. I mean, where could they take us to eat? Well, actually, I can tell him where we can eat, but anyway. Won't their family be insulted if they bring vegan-girlfriend home for Thanksgiving and she doesn't eat anything?

Also, I don't want kids ever. No, never ever. Will I change my mind? I doubt it. The only reason I would do it, as far as I can see, is because of biological urges, and I'm pretty good at resisting biological urges...But apparently okcupid says the best matches for me are the guys who want 3-4 kids. You expect me to spew at least three humans out my uterus to prove my love for you? No thanks.

But after talking to some guys and reading posts by some guys on forums, it's interesting to see what they are willing to do to get with a girl they like.

Firstly, my cousin Lou (who is the same age as me) married a vegetarian, Layla. She was raised vegetarian while I converted in college. So of course, when we get together, Layla and I exchange recipes and talk endlessly in our Vegetarianese (seitan, nutritional yeast, tempeh...). He joins in at times, because now he's mostly vegetarian. He likes a steak every now and then, though it messes up his digestion for a couple days when he eats it now! He did not grow up vegetarian, though. Like me, his dinners growing up were basically "big-chunk-o-meat and potatoes," "big-chunk-o-meat and steamed veggies" or "big-chunk-o-meat with bread and butter." He seems pretty cool with being veggie, and they are raising their son to be mostly-veggie. I think he's convinced that being vegetarian is good for your health and still delicious.

However, I've read posts by guys in their early-to-mid twenties who said they were dating a girl who was vegetarian and they went vegetarian while with her, but then went back to eating meat after they broke up. It makes me wonder if that was Lou once upon a time, if he converted in college to be more appealing to his then-girlfriend. "Yeah, Layla, I'll try a seitan sandwich. Sounds great..." Had he married another woman, would he be mostly vegetarian now?

Also, just when I was thinking that my childfreedom is limiting my selection of men too much, that I'm putting myself on the road to spinsterhood (not that that's necessarily a bad thing, as long as I'm a cool spinster), D told me about how he broke up with his last girlfriend because she was undecided about kids (but leaning toward yes), while he discovered during the course of the relationship that he really didn't want kids. He said that a lot of guys don't think seriously about having kids. They just want the "cookie" (as Steve Harvey calls it). So they go along with parenthood because their significant other really wants a widdle baby. From the way he said it, it sounded like quite a few guys are actually undecided or ambivalent, but figure, well, babies come with the cookie...

That restored my faith a bit, though I apparently encounter all the men with the "baby rabies!" I shouldn't lament that I'm too hard to match and think that I need to change core beliefs to get a guy. I certainly don't expect a guy to convert to Veganism to be with me, though he needs to understand I ain't cooking meat for him! And if D's assessment is accurate, I shouldn't think that all guys who claim to want kids will be turned off by me. They might just be saying that because they figure all girls want to reproduce, even though they could probably go either way on the parenting thing.

I'm still not messaging guys who say they want 3-4 kids, but maybe I should send a message to the ones who say, "1 or 2." It's just coffee date anyway, not a marriage proposal.

going alone

2011-03-22T12:25:00.000-07:00

I amended my New Year's resolution to going to someplace alone once per week and meeting a new group of people once per month. Although the idea of going to so many things alone and seeing upwards of twelve new groups of people in a year seemed a bit intimidating, so far, it's been fun!

Some things I have done alone:

-Gone to documentary screenings that were followed by discussion ("Forks Over Knives," "The World According to Monsanto," and "The End of the Line")

-Attended a fundraiser at a bar for an animal shelter

-Participated in my parish's young adult trivia night at a pub

-Took dance lessons with the same young adult group

-Caught up on some reading at a coffeeshop

-Mingled with new people at my other young adult group's biweekly meeting

So after several weeks of busyness, I chose to chill out this week, spending Monday, Tuesday (and tonight) at home! It's been nice to just exercise, veg out, cuddle with my cats and actually play a Wii game besides Wii Fit!

Have any new dates come from these excursions? No. Although I've been enjoying myself so much that I sometimes forget my other objective of staying alert for guys. Of course, when I am on the lookout, I only notice coupled guys checking me out, or old men. Not old like 35 years old. Old like wrinkles and gray hair. Ugh. There are few single guys at any of the things I attend. It's hard not to think that all the men my age aren't taken. Where are the single guys?

I have been lax about okcupid too, although a guy I messaged a couple weeks ago, B, finally responded. Apparently he's been crazy busy too. I looked at his profile again as I couldn't remember why he piqued my interest!

As long as I'm doing something I enjoy, I don't feel lonely in a crowd, and I'm not afraid to go alone. I already go to so many things alone as a single person anyway: laundromat, book club, grocery store, car, gas station, church, work, library, doctor, vet, dentist. I didn't understand why I initially felt a little nervous about doing fun stuff alone. I'd rather attend a Vegan documentary by myself than go to a big party with a friend. Not sure why those two things feel so different. Maybe because I like documentaries about the environment and really dislike big parties, so much that even going with my best friend doesn't help.

Perhaps putting myself in all these places, with all these new people, will bring guys my way. But if not, at least I'm having fun in the meantime.

how to be surrounded by beauty

2011-03-15T12:24:00.000-07:00

I love beautiful things. Who doesn't, right?

I'm a big Francophile and have a friend who's an Anglophile, and we often discuss how we wished we lived across the Atlantic. Next to my hometown, Paris is my favorite city, and I've been missing it lately. So I was looking at pictures of French-style apartments. Man, they're beautiful.

Ah, Spring. I could just sit and eat here for hours.

I could spend an entire Saturday playing with this "mood board."

And I'm not really a Coco Chanel fan, but her sitting room is the shiz. I think she might become one of my favorite women from history.

Now, I also am a fan of chic, modern interiors along the lines of IKEA.

Still not sure how to reconcile the two in my own apartment. It's looking more IKEA due to my budget! But Amelie's apartment seems like a good mix of what I like in home decor.

As I spent my lunch break looking at beautiful interiors from French and French-ish apartments, I reflected on my online dating struggles. I just don't find many men online attractive...at all. Or I'll find a man who is attractive to me, but then I think, "Oh, he wouldn't like a girl like me." Yes, I should just go for the guy, message him, but I don't. I get one or two messages per week from guys. Usually they're completely not what I want, but once in a while, the profile information looks good. However, I just don't find the man attractive, and I feel guilty, shallow. If the unattractive man wrote a real message to me, I respond anyway, but then end with, "Good luck in your search!" That's my indirect way of saying, "Not interested." On the one hand, beauty is skin deep, personality is more important than looks. So even though I don't like shaved heads, full beards, cornrows, Bob Marley dreads, Coogi, flannel, blonde hair, overweight builds, I try to look past all that when viewing a profile,

But I still like beauty, including beautiful men...

like Johnny Depp. Even with that nasty, cancer-inducing cigarette, which would turn me off "normal" men, he's gorgeous!

Now I know not every man looks like Johnny Depp. It's really not fair to judge normal man's beauty against Johnny, for whom there is no equal. I don't look like a sexpot either, although one person at work calls me, "Halle Berry." It's nice to be called Halle Berry instead of Tia and Tamera for once!

I realize, though, that I need to be honest with myself. I can't help whom I'm attracted to. I keep race, body type, hair color and height open, but now I wonder if maybe I should narrow that too. One of the issues with my last two dates was I really didn't find them that attractive online, but they were "attractive enough." Then there was no spark in real life. I had no desire to rip off their clothes. I thought maybe I should give the guys a second date, maybe the spark would just be delayed...

But then I go to Mass and the young man who gave me Communion set my heart racing after a 2 second interaction. :-P I haven't seen him at Mass since, darnit. It reminded me of what that spark is supposed to feel like. He didn't look like Johnny Depp, by the way, but there was something about the voice, the look, the eyes, the hair, and it was the same combo that has lit my inner "fire" before.

And anyway, I'm not magazine-hot, but I'm not ugly. Why shouldn't I have a man who is beautiful (to me) inside...and out?

What guys should not do online...

2011-03-06T18:25:00.000-08:00

D and I had a conversation about this a couple weeks ago. After clicking through too many profiles of men on okcupid and plentyoffish the past few days, I have to vent about some of the wrong things men are doing.

1) Posting pictures of themselves with other girls.
- D told me he did this because he thought that showing him with other girls would make him look like quite a catch. All these other girls like him, so why wouldn't I? When he was getting no attention, he took the pictures of himself with other girls down. Maybe that works with some girls, but when I see a pic of a man surrounded by girls, I think, "Competition." I don't want to share, and I'm not about to compete with pretty girls for a guy.

2) Not smiling in profile pictures.
-Is this supposed to make men look tough, or suave, or manly? It looks scary, cold and unapproachable. I guess some girls are turned on by the, thuggish, "whassup," semi-frowny face. I pass right over that.

3) Topless pics.
-If all you want is sex, then go ahead and post topless pics, because that's all I think you want. Does that actually get guys more attention? From what kind of ladies? I roll my eyes and move on. You think your body is that hot that you need to show it off to the world? Egomaniac.

4) Pictures of themselves in costume, especially a mask.
-What are you hiding? I want to see you! This is especially bad when it's the only picture.

5) Photos with digital effects and none of their real face.
-Are they trying to show off their graphic design skills? I want to see your actual face, not a pixelated version of it.

6) Posting pictures of celebrity lookalikes as the profile pic.
-Why start off lying? What's wrong with your face? Why won't you show it?

7) Trying too hard to sound smart.
-Just talk like yourself, please (although I guess if you're a phD student, perhaps you would be using a lot of big words). Yes some girls and I do want an educated man, but you don't have to show off ALL the multisyllabic words you learned in college. When you're smart, it just comes through naturally, without you trying to sound that way.

8) Saying something like, "Well, I don't know if this'll really work, but I'll give this online thing a shot," or "I'm skeptical about this."
-Some of us do take online dating seriously. This is insulting.

9) Being negative
-"Don't IM me if all you want is sex." "Don't bring your drama." "All the women on online dating are liars." STFU!
*I know I am being negative in this post too, but I'm not saying this on my online dating profile. I do keep it positive there.

10) Being not-specific and saying something like, "anyone can email me if anything in my profile interested you"
-Tell me what you want. Do you want a nerd? A sporty girl? A partier? A drinker? A non-drinker? Religious? Non-religious? No, you don't have to give an entire checklist but give me some idea. I don't want to waste my time composing a message to you if I am nothing like what you want.

revising the resolution

2011-02-27T20:05:00.000-08:00

My New Year's Resolution was to go to bars by myself (starting with once per month and working up to once per week) as well as meeting one new group of people every month.

Sadly, I did not fulfill this month’s bar goal. However, I went on three dates and to several meetups! I attended a Vegan meetup, a gamer meetup and went to two documentary screenings. I'm going to a dance lesson hosted by a young adult group tomorrow. February, despite a life-halting blizzard at the month's beginning, turned out to be busy.

Although I didn't fulfill the bar goal for the month, I think I did manage to "put myself out there!”

Am I any closer to being in a relationship? No. But more importantly, I'm in a good place mentally, emotionally, spiritually. I had a lot of fun this month too, despite not getting further than date #2 with anyone. I enjoyed my date with M over Valentine's Day weekend, yet I felt no sparks toward him, alas. He's a good catch too (if he's telling the truth that is...). He seemed to be more interested in me than I in him. Thankfully, he hasn't called since our salsa date on Monday.

By the way, I did go on a date with my favorite, D, over the weekend, but he turned out to be a let-down in person. I know everyone has baggage, but I can't do a Debbie-downer who's in a kinda-sorta long distance relationship with a kinda-sorta ex right now…

I thought I might need to revise my resolution given the events of February. According to the original plan, I should have gone to a bar alone twice in February and three times in March. Well, I might have to stick to once a month until further notice. Weekly might have to wait until summer, when I have more time. Now, I usually don't feel like going anywhere after dark.

Something I have abandoned in the cold weather is going out to eat and reading at cafes alone. I stopped at a coffeeshop last week to read a book because my computer, TV, and so forth distracted me from reading. Winter turns introverted me into a hermit. But I enjoyed change of scenery, reading at a coffeeshop.

So maybe instead of working my way up to a weekly bar visit, I should work toward going somewhere alone once per week. That's a goal I can fulfill, and I won't feel bad about not going specifically to a bar or meetup every week, every month.

The goal for March, then? Go somewhere alone three times. Next week will be number one: I'm going to a "walking" meetup where we just walk around a particular neighborhood for a few hours. This will be a meetup which I never attended, and might provide opportunities for "first dates." I just have to remember to talk to people other than middle aged women!

what's so great about being a virgin?

2011-02-15T20:37:00.000-08:00

Valentine's Day was good for me. I didn't wallow in bitterness and jealousy. I didn't cringe when I saw couples walking together. Currently, I'm in a positive place and feel like life is going well overall. Plus, I spent last night with one of my best friends and hung out with some of my favorite family members over the weekend. I felt the love. So instead of dreading Valentine's Day, forcing myself to bring out heart decorations from the bottom of storage, I was excited. The sight of heart dish towels and placemats uplifted me. I think I'll keep the placemats on the table for a few weeks, just to brighten the gray winter days.

And I didn't feel ashamed or embarrassed or stressed about being a virgin, for once. I've been regretting it lately, but not now.

So I decided to brainstorm a list of the positives about being a virgin.

1) I'm not pregnant.
1b) Therefore, I don't have a child.
2) I don't have an STD (or AIDS).
3) I don't have HPV.
4) I've never had bad sex.
5) I've never had an abortion.
5b) I've never had to give up a baby for adoption.
6) I've never had an allergic reaction to latex...I'm not allergic anyway, so I guess that doesn't count.
7) No baby-daddy drama.
8) I don't have to take birth control pills.
9) I never had to clean-up post-deflowering blood on sheets.
10) I never had to walk around sore all day following a de-flowering.
11) I never had to indulge anyone's strange fetish.
12) I've never had to fake an orgasm. I'm a bad liar. How would I do that?
13) I've never had a man look at my naked body critically.
14) No one has ever criticized my skills in bed.

There are other spiritual and psychological benefits, but it's late and I'm stopping here. :P

"Should I offer my number to a guy?"

2011-02-10T21:29:00.000-08:00

Online dating is so tricky.

My policy for giving out numbers to online people is I that I only give it out before we meet. Typically, that's the policy. I tried something different tonight.

I was talking to D, who I have been chatting with for almost a week. He's currently my favorite. We've chatted most days during the past week. Conversations online usually go 45 minutes to an hour. I don't message him when he's online. I let the guys message me. :-P We see eye-to-eye on the kid thing and seem to both be pretty down-to-earth, though he picks on himself a little. The conversations at first were slipping into talking/complaining about our online dating issues, but I tried to turn the conversation to something a little more positive, keep it light. Thankfully, I don't have many bad experiences, so it was easy for me to turn the conversation away from loathing.

I actually initiated contact with D via a wink on okcupid. After the 2nd or 3rd conversation, I said something like "Hopefully we can meet soon..." to which he responded, "for sure." I was a little skeptical, though glad to see some interest on his end. In the past, guys have expressed interest in meeting but it never came to fruition.

After talking to some friends, I wondered if maybe I should be willing to really speak to a guy before meeting. It does make sense to hear his voice, see if you have phone chemistry, before meeting. Perhaps I should be a little less stingy with the number.

I decided this time to offer my number. I had initiated contact, after all, but I was pseudo-assertive. I (honestly) told him I can't guarantee I'll be online a lot this weekend, but I could give him my number if he wanted. He replied that he was not good with the phone, but asked for my email.

Email? WTF?

I gave him my work email address because I forgot my dating address off the top of my head :P. My work email actually has my last name (oops), but I'm just going to trust that he is not someone who'll steal my identity or stalk me.

Well, at least he was honest about not being good with the phone. I'm not either. But geez, I say I wanna meet, I offer my number, isn't that clue enough that I'm interested? In our first conversation, he told me about how no one views his profile or messages him, no one seems to show interest, blah blah blah. Hello? Well, someone "winked" at you. Me!

This is what I get for wanting a less-aggressive, non-alpha male, I guess. Or it's just his nice way of saying he's not so interested after all. But then again, maybe he is still interested and was just being honest, and he actually is much better at email than phone...

Whatever. I'm going on a date with M tomorrow (Friday) night. Just a cafe or bar. M's the one who's interested in salsa. He suggested we go out for drinks casually first before setting up a salsa night, and I was cool with that. Hey, I've NEVER had a date this close to Valentine's Day! New step for me! I initiated contact with M too but he asked for my number first.

Oh D. You were my favorite. Really. But dude, you snooze, you lose.

I'll keep chatting with him and B, but I'm not going to wait forever for them to get the nerve to say, "Let's go out for coffee." I already expressed interest. If they're truly interested but still too insecure to go out for a 45 minute coffee date, oh well.

Spay Day 2011 Photo Contest

2011-02-09T11:54:00.000-08:00

This isn't related to anything virginal, but I'm plugging it anyway.

That cute little kitty I use for my icon? I entered him in the Spay Day 2011 pet photo contest. You donate to the charity of my choice, and every dollar counts as a vote for my boy.

So if you have even $5 to spare, come donate and help my pretty little siamese-mix get some votes. :-) Yeah, the bowtie is a little goofy, but we're trying to stand out from the competition. That tie got a lot of "awwwws" and "Likes" from my friends when I first posted it to facebook too.

Spay Day 2011 Online Pet Photo Contest

don't hate the playa, hate the game

2011-02-06T12:55:00.000-08:00

Just hours after I posted that B wasn't talking to me, he IM'ed me. :-P Silly me jumping to conclusions, I guess.

So B and I are still talking...just talking...online...after 3 weeks.

He is a really nice guy. The conversation moves easily, and we agree on a lot of things, especially politics. He's also not perverted or only looking for sex. However, I want to move beyond online chatting. I told him I wanted to meet, twice. So I'm not asking again. I've expressed interest. The ball is in his court. I do enjoy talking to him, but I'm not going to nag, because I'm talking to other guys online.

I never told B that I'm talking to more than just him. I feel a little guilty about that. I wonder, "Should I tell him? Is it any of his business how many people I'm talking to in the first place? Should I have told him at the beginning that I'm talking to a few guys online?" I feel a little like a playa.

But it's typical to be talking to a few different people at once online. B and I aren't a couple. We haven't even met in person! So I'm not obligated to talk to him exclusively. It doesn't bug me if he is talking to other women besides me. We're all single and mingling.

Right now, my plan is if he asks, I'll tell him. If he gets mad, I'll apologize for not being clear about that from the beginning. I don't know if that's the best, but it is what it is.

Talking to 3 guys at once has restored my hope in online dating. I was finding nothing, NOTHING on online dating sites. The other two guys, M and D, are knocking B out of the ballpark.

M is a novice dancer and a bit nerdy. He knows of a salsa place near him that has $5 classes. Fun! I told him to send me dates and times. I might have a salsa date with someone whose skills are equal to mine! I don't like salsa-ing with a salsa expert. It's a bit intimidating. I step the wrong way, step on his foot. It'd be nice to bumble and make mistakes with someone else.

D is Christian and childfree! We have only talked once online (Saturday night), but the conversation was good to me. We talked about why we don't want kids, and a little about what we want in a match. He's in his mid-thirties and just realized he doesn't want kids. So I don't think I have to worry about him changing his mind.

M and D are also cuties. ;)

I know there's a chance that these conversations might never go beyond IM'ing and messaging. Still, after a dry spell, I have new hope. There are compatible guys out there for me. I just have to hold on and keep looking.

moving from online to face-to-face

2011-02-01T21:20:00.000-08:00

So I think another conversation has bit the dust.

Sunday (or Monday) of this week marked 2 weeks since I started talking to “B” online.

A couple weeks ago, I spent three or so hours on okcupid searching through profiles, clicking through answered questions, skimming photos, and sent winks (with messages) to about six guys. Two days later, I found 3 responses!

Well, the conversation quickly fizzled with two of the guys but B and I were going strong after a week. He actually read my profile and referenced it in the conversation. After a week, our messages went from a few sentences to paragraphs. B apologized for writing so much and I said, "It's okay. I think it's just a sign that we should probably meet in person..."

B said he was interested in meeting, but asked if we could talk for "just a little while longer." Now, he admitted in his profile that he was kind of shy and he stated that he wasn't just into sex. But I didn't want to wait too much longer to meet. No point in talking for a month (or two), building an image of each other based on online messages, then finding no spark in person. However, I agreed to a little while longer but suggested possibly meeting the following week for coffee.

So we talked for a 2nd week and caught each other on chat one night. Good, fun conversation there. He did ask me what I was looking for on okcupid. That question threw me (this is the day after I suggested meeting up). I checked off in my profile "long term or short term dating." Did he miss that? I said something like it was part of my mission to come out of my shell, be more outgoing, meet more people now that my college friends have dispersed.

On Friday of last week, he asked me if there was anything I wanted to ask him. I asked about his living situation, if he had any siblings and what his job was. In his response, he mentioned he was an only child and I said that he was lucky! I said that I'm much older than my siblings and that between helping with them and babysitting, I have changed enough diapers! He said babysitting is good though because it probably prepares you for parenthood and he said he liked kids. He also asked me a pretty deep question: "If you could change anything about the world, what would you change?"

To his parenting comment, I responded, "Well, as I mentioned in my profile, I don't want kids..." Before I answered the deep question, I said, "Well that is definitely a question I could better answer in person! But what first comes to mind is..." He had also asked if there was a better way to talk than messaging (this he asked for the 2nd or 3rd time). I said that if he was indirectly asking for my number, I'll give it when we get ready to meet.

This was over the weekend. Still no word from him. Prior to this, we were responding to each other's emails within 24 hours.

I'm a little bummed...a little. I started thinking about what I might have done wrong. Did the no-kids thing scare him off? Was I too pushy about meeting? Was I being too guarded with my number? Did he think I was only looking for sex because I mentioned meeting after "only" a week (wow, he really doesn't know me...)? Well, he could be real busy. There is a huge snowstorm out there that's messing us all up.

But tonight, I used my computer instead of my phone for the internet, and I saw we were on okcupid at the same time. No message from him.

Perhaps it's for the best. Maybe it's not me. Maybe he's really self-conscious. Maybe there's something he's hiding. It might not be because there's something "wrong" with me.

He wasn't my number one choice in the looks department anyway! :-P

Should we support our friends...no matter what?

2011-01-29T09:14:00.000-08:00

A few weeks ago, my friend Sandra got engaged to Greg, a guy she had been dating since Summer of last year. Given her history of dating so many men who didn't deserve her, who verbally, emotionally abused her, I was so happy she finally found a guy who treats her like the queen she is, or at least it seems that way. Sandra now lives across the country. Her friends here and I never met Greg, but she seems very happy in this relationship. So although I was a little concerned about how quickly they got engaged, I was able to honestly say, "Congratulations," when she made the announcement.

Four days ago, Sandra and Greg eloped. Sandra basically said they couldn't afford the wedding, couldn't figure out logistics, and didn't see the point in waiting any longer when they really wanted to be married. I couldn't get the nerve to type "Congratulations," when I received her email. Is that wrong?

I was concerned about the quick engagement. I'm worried about the eloping. Scared, even. She made a wedding site anyway with their favorite songs, their story, photos, etcetera, as a way to still have the rest of us be part of their wedding. I'm still not satisfied. Well, all I knew about their story was that they met on okcupid. Sandra was one of the people who urged me to try it again, in fact. I didn't know much else about their story, so at least I finally got to read that.

But it just doesn't feel right! I worry. I'm worried that this girl, who is so book-smart, might have let her heart run away with her. It sounds like they've had a lot of deep conversations in a pretty short amount of time. Maybe they do know each other well enough to marry. Maybe they have thought longterm. Their plan for now is to save for a car and condo, for Sandra to get her doctorate, and they don't want kids. Well, Sandra doesn't want kids and it sounds like she's talked Greg out of it. But saying no to kids is a big deal. Well really, it's a bigger deal for the family than it is for the couple. Do Sandra's parents know she's not giving them grandkids? Do Greg's parents know? Have they even met each other's parents? Not that you should only do things your parents approve of, but how did mom and pop take the news that Greg has married a young woman he met online after dating for about 6 months, who, by the way, won't give them grandchildren? Do Sandra and Greg really know the implications of their actions? Lord, I hope they thought this through!

Both Greg and Sandra are from around here, actually. So they're both living far from their homes. It's so easy to forget you are part of a community when it's just the two of you living 1000 miles away from your old friends and family. It's so easy to think you're the only ones in the world and that your choices and life do not affect others. Well, Sandra made the wedding site so perhaps that consideration did cross her mind.

I told her I hope the first few days of marriage have been going well so far and that next time she and Greg come home, we can still celebrate their marriage some other way, even if it's not a big wedding. That was the most sincere thing I could say about this. Honestly, I feel terrible that I can't be more excited and shower her with "Congrats! Congrats! I'm so happy for you," like everyone else. Of course I wish her well. Of course I don't want her to divorce (unlike her parents, who had a shotgun wedding because mom was pregnant and later divorced). But I worry anyway. I hope they really do have a strong foundation, and are really ready to face marriage, and face the world, together.

bad advice from good friends

2011-01-24T19:34:00.000-08:00

When I started online dating in Summer 2009, I received a variety of advice from co-workers to whom I was perhaps a little too close.

The first guy I spoke with was Derrick. We met on okcupid. We seemed to have a good rapport online. I had some reservations about him, but because he seemed to be an overall good guy, I overlooked the issues. He definitely boosted my ego a bit with all the compliments (though those got a little annoying after awhile, but anyway). I found him funny and a bit quirky.

My coworkers noticed my lighter, happier demeanor and one asked, “Is it a guy?” When I answered in the affirmative, my other two coworkers of course wanted the deets.

The questions began...

“Does he got a job? Apartment? Car? Where does he live?”
“He a mama's boy?”
“Was he in a relationship before? Why did it end?”
“How much money does he make?”
“What's wrong with him? You need to know to see if you can deal with his flaws!”
“What's his social security number?”

Alright. They were joking with the last one.

Now, despite my lack of experience, I figured that early in a relationship, it is best to keep things light. My mother learned in cosmetology school to never talk about politics or religion with her clients. I figured politics, religion and sex were probably no-no's early in the dating process too. I was not about to jump into a philosophical discussion when we knew each other for only one week.

A lot of their questions, I couldn't answer. I knew he had a job, car, and lived with his mother. I was troubled by them telling me to ask about his past relationships and finding out what was “wrong” with him. I did not think his most recent relationship was any of my business. And trying to find out his “bad habits,” his flaws already? After one week?

Well I did eventually ask about his most recent relationship in the nicest, least nosy way I could. He did not say much. I did not press it.

I think my coworkers just wanted to help. Maybe they were living vicariously through me. Maybe these forty-somethings saw me like a daughter and were trying to protect me, or something. But I think my instincts were right all along. I am open to advice, but I now realize that “advice” that works for some might not work for me.

By the way, Derrick and I stopped talking after about three weeks. I was bored with him, honestly. I used my childfreedom as a “get-out-of-jail-free card.” It was not clear in his profile if he wanted kids. When I asked him directly, he said he did and I said I can only be friends with someone who wanted kids. He logged off and did not message me again until 4 months later. C'est la vie.

I am talking to a guy on okcupid again, now. We hit the one week mark and the conversation is still flowing. Hopefully this will not be another Derrick!

step 1-put yourself out there, step 2-TALK!

2011-01-22T14:28:00.000-08:00

My New Year's Resolution is to "put myself out there." It has two parts: go to a bar by myself regularly (starting with once a month and gradually working toward 1x per week) and meet a new group of people every month. So far, I've met my goal for January. No date came out of it, but at least I started.

I went to a vegan meetup at a restaurant in my city. There were two big tables with some seats left. I sat at a table but didn't really pay attention to who was sitting there. Oops. As more people arrived, my table became the table where all the married and middle aged people sat. :/ All the young men were at the next table. The food was good and I did have good conversation...with two married women. Didn't succeed in the other part of the plan.

So that night, because the meetup ended early, I decided to go to a bar by myself. Apparently it was still a little too early in the night. I went to my favorite local bar, just a few blocks from my apartment. There weren't many people there and most of the people there were coupled. There was a group of decent-looking men a couple seats from mine at the bar. There was a mirror behind the bar and I looked in it, seeing if any of the men were looking my way. Nope. But at one point, the men talked about going to some other bar to pick up chicks. Perhaps we weren't compatible after all.

So I've succeeded in putting myself "out there," but clearly that's not really enough. I might have to actually talk to someone. A novel idea! But in my defense, no way I'm going to go up to a guy who is surrounded by a posse of four of his friends! The person who is in a group should go to the one who is alone. I'm willing now to approach a cute guy looking my way if he's alone and I'm with a friend or two. I don't expect a man to come talk to me when I'm surrounded by my posse. It's like a tribunal of girls.

Next month, the plan is to actually go where the young men are, and possibly go a little later in the night to encounter single guys at a bar.

Rowan Atkinson Live - Elementary dating

2011-01-20T14:23:00.000-08:00

I was watching Rowan Atkinson Live and this was an extra on the DVD. Love it!

okcupid and the single, childfree Catholic

2011-01-17T13:08:00.000-08:00

I do not understand how okcupid matches people.

For those unfamiliar with okcupid, it has a feature called “Quiver,” where they send 3 recommended “matches” daily. For the past week, all my quiver matches have been Atheist or Agnostic. I don't know how this happened. Are there only non-religious people on okcupid? Did I not get that memo?

On okcupid, you can answer thousands of multiple choice questions, which supposedly help improve your matches. When I first started, okcupid was matching me with conservative (politically and religiously) Christians who wanted a crapload of kids. You can choose the “importance” of questions, so I started making any question related to liberal politics “mandatory,” to weed out the conservatives. I was successful in that…too successful apparently. I went from conservative Christians to liberal Atheists. I cannot win!

I know I can be a very logical, scientific person, which maybe came through in how I answered questions. Perhaps my “no kids” answers were matching with Atheists and Agnostics who did not want kids (a lot of people who do not want kids are non-religious).

I do not care what religion a match follows as long as he practices something! Despite not having the same religion, I have a lot in common with my non-Christian, religious friends. We take spiritual growth seriously and are active in enhancing our relationship with our Creator. We also see the world and morality similarly. We “get” each other's holy seasons. They get why Lent is important and I get why Ramadan is important, and we truly respect each other. It's not, “Oh, look at those blind, brainwashed sheep, depriving themselves to keep some power-hungry Skydaddy happy, submitting to an imaginary being's will. Why do they try to 'improve themselves' if nothing is ever good enough for their lightning bolt-wielding Zeus, if they are still going to some 'Hell' anyway?”

I have Atheist and Agnostic friends with whom I agree politically and with whom I share a respect of the scientific method. We just don't talk about religion. If my man and I, though, cannot pray together, if he bows his head to please me but doesn't believe ANY of the words I'm praying, that is a serious mismatch.

I guess the algorithms misinterpreted my openness to other religions to mean “non-religious.”

I do try the Match Searches too where I can type in the criteria (religion, distance, no kids, etc), but scrolling through dozens of matches, reading all those profiles, gets tiresome. I thought Quiver was supposed to pick the “cream of the crop,” as it were, so I do not have to spend forever reading dozens of profiles, looking for compatibility. I have messaged guys whom I found this way...but none of them wrote back.

I plan on going back through the “religious” questions to see how I answered. There are thousands of men out there, but okcupid keeps sending me all the mismatches. Some technology.

Enneagram: "The worst thing is to be morally corrupt."

2011-01-11T20:26:00.000-08:00

Last night at my leadership meeting, we discussed the Enneagram. For those who don't know, the Enneagram is a tool for exploring one's personality, motives, drives, needs, values, "shadows," etc. I've seen it mainly used in religious and spiritual groups, but it was developed by psychiatrists. The supposed Eastern origins of it are unconfirmed. According to the Enneagram, everyone is one of nine basic personality types. Everyone is a little bit of everything, but one type will emerge as dominant, and it's innate. It's your own way of being in the world.

In college, some friends of mine were learning about the Enneagram. I read bits of one of their books and took the survey in the back. Based on that inventory, I typed as a 3, aka "the achiever." I read a little of "the achiever as a child" and the another blurb in the book about 3's, and it sounded like me: hard-working, leader, well-liked by teachers and parents, efficient, gets the job done.

Last night, the presenter went into more depth (as much as is possible in a 90 minute presentation). She also focused a great deal on each type's motivations. Knowing a type's motivations can help one determine which type she is, especially if she can't figure out which type of two she is. Prior to all this, we took an inventory for our Enneagram type, but the email didn't tell us how to score it.

The first signal that I may not know myself as well as I think was when she discussed the 3 big categories of the Enneagram. Again, there are 9 personality types, but they can be grouped into heart, head and gut orientations. She gave us a worksheet where we had to check off whether we thought we were a head, heart or gut person followed by nine words. We had to choose the word we thought suited us. I checked off "head" and "good." The other two words I considered were "wise" and "productive." I don't think I'm wise or productive enough to check off one as those as my defining word. Also, I have always thought of myself as a "head" person. Maybe gut was my number 2, but heart was definitely not how I function.

However, when the presenter said that the "gut" people enter new situations and basically act like, "Here I am. Deal with me," that struck a chord.

She then started going into personality types. Enneagram type 1 is "the Reformer" or "The Perfectionist." Reformers value goodness and avoid anger because to them, anger is not good. They want to live life the "right" way. Hey, that sounded familiar. Then she said they value wholeness (me too...). They don't want to be wrong (neither do I...). Then she said that to a one, the worst thing is to be "morally corrupt."

WHOA!

Then she said that ones are big on repression and suppression in order to better themselves (yes...) and when those pesky emotions/instincts act up, they do something that's the exact opposite to fight it. For example, when they get really angry, they actually get really polite and nice toward the person that angered them (guilty, though I think my anger is becoming more obvious). Ones under-express their drives. And the presenter mentioned that when they, in particular, feel their sexual desires arise, they act the exact opposite: puritanical.

What's my blog's name again? I wanted to crawl under my chair and hide. Did she just sneak into my brain?

She did mention positives about ones, though. They always strive to be better, they are witnesses to the truth, they can be very wise, very hard-working, get things done early (that's usually true for me). I guess because I just might be the perfectionist One, I'm focusing mainly on my issues, my shadows. :-P

By the way, ones are a "gut." I thought that I couldn't possibly be a one, then. I'm so cerebral! I'm such a thinking, reflective person. Therefore, I resemble the Enneagram 5 type, "the Thinker," too. I thought, "I better reflect further on this and look deeper into the Enneagram so that I don't think that I'm the wrong type...wait a minute..." "Guts" are about holding their ground as they interact with the outer and inner world. Guts need reflection with action. To reflect and think endlessly without action (like the 5's do), is a waste of time to them. Ones have deeply held opinions or beliefs that "feel" right, and then they rationalize it.

That's actually how I make a lot of big decisions. I narrow down the choices to the ones that fit my specified criteria, and then I go with the one that feels right instantly. Isn't that what everyone does though?...Maybe not. I am very practical and don't take much interest in ideas or theories that don't have a practical application.

The presenter also said that another clue to your type is to see which of the "shadows" bug you the most. If there's a shadow you really don't want to deal with, that's probably your type. Later, I went online and looked at the description of extreme, unhealthy Ones: judgmental, self-righteous, intolerant, inflexible, dogmatic, absolute. Well, in two of my former crushes, the biggest turn-offs for me were that they were snobby and self-righteous. You couldn't be radical enough or Christian enough or whatever enough for them, and of course, they were the gold standard. Actually, all of those qualities of unhealthy ones sound horrible! I could not possibly be in a romantic relationship with someone like that!

Wait a minute, the extremes of the unhealthy One are my biggest turn-offs? Hmm...

By the way, that original inventory she emailed to us prior? I typed as a One (Three and Five were tied for second place).

So I think I'm a One. I know, essentially it's a personality test, and you shouldn't let it box you in. It's a tool. It's a tool to help gain a better understanding of yourself, and can give you tools to bring out the best in you, help you live more authentically and overcome your shadows. Of course, I've been thinking about how the shadows of my One personality might be keeping me from being more successful in dating.

Being a "reformer" or "perfectionist" isn't all negative. There's nothing wrong with striving to be better, to improving oneself and wanting to help others improve themselves. Though it sounds limiting, it's rather secure to think, "I'm a perfectionist. That's just the way I am. I can't change it, but I don't need to change it." I just have to get to that "healthy perfectionist" place and stay there.

So the task is figuring out how to use my strengths to be more successful in romance!

"If I use a vibrator, am I still a virgin?"

2011-01-06T12:34:00.000-08:00

Reason number 537 why we need sex education in schools!

I googled "vibrators for virgins," seeing if there was some sort of list or recommendations for vibrators for virgins. A couple forums popped up and one adult toy website gave a sort of buyer's guide. It's rather overwhelming the choices that are out there. Wow. And some are over $100? And there are further accessories you need, and they are made of different materials...

But actually, what kept popping up more often than adult toy shops were forums of girls asking, "Is it okay for virgins to use vibrators? Am I still a virgin if I use a vibrator?"

Pardon my virginal ignorance of all things sexual, but I thought coitus involved more than one person?...

Well, 15-year-old girls asking if a vibrator can deflower them I guess isn't so surprising. What was more disturbing were some of the answers they received.

"No. If you insert anything inside you, you aren't a virgin."
"Well, if you just use it outside and not put it in, then I guess you're still a virgin."
"No because vibrators can break a hymen and if you break your hymen, you're not a virgin."
"Well, if you use a vibrator, and it doesn't break the hymen, you're still a virgin."
"You shouldn't get a vibrator. You should wait until you're married and have sex with your husband. Don't put plastic inside you first!"

Is the virginity of teenage boys questioned like this when they start self-stimulating? Why is it such a dilemma for teenage girls? Actually, I can think of some reasons why: women being the keepers of purity, sexuality being a dirty thing for women (you can't be the Madonna and a "whore"), etc.

I can't believe people (people who live in the "educated," industrialized world anyway) still use the hymen as the test for virginity. It can break if a girl has a bad fall or goes horseback riding! I don't know the percentage, but many girls/women have no hymen when they initiate sex.

Thankfully, there were some people who said, "Sex means more than one person," and who clarified the deal with the hymen. There is such a stigma around toys for women. It's hard enough saying no to sex until marriage. Now women are made to feel guilty for a vibrator? We aren't allowed to know anything about our sexuality until the wedding night?

Now I already know that the Catholic Church says, "No," to masturbation because there is no possibility for procreation. Sex has to be open to kids in order to be valid, legal sex.

It can't only be for kids, by the way. It's also the closest a human can come to physically experiencing God's love and seals the "covenant," the love of the wife and husband. So having un-fun sex is not good either.

I get why the Church says it, though I don't fully agree with it. My thing is, if self-stimulating keeps a person from engaging in unsafe sex, isn't that preferable? And if you already know what pleases you, doesn't that help the sexual aspect of the relationship?

Anyway, it just further shows why we need to get information out there, particularly to young people. Otherwise, a lot of misinformation and needless guilt fly around. The ignorance just spreads like weeds.

Follow me on twitter @flamencokitty

The science of attachment

2011-01-02T11:25:00.000-08:00

Valentine's season is coming (apparently). Despite never having a date on Valentine's Day, one thing I like about this time of year is that the nerdy, scientific media starts talking about the science behind attraction.

I had time to kill at the bookstore and saw that this month's Scientific American Mind has an article about attachment. The sub-headline said, "Find your attachment style and make your match." I never saw this magazine before but I had to buy it, especially after browsing the heart-themed optical illusions in the middle of the magazine.

Well, the article wasn't anything particularly new if you've taken some psychology courses about human development (which I have). Levine and Heller referred to Mary Ainsworth's descriptions of three attachment styles: secure, anxious and avoidant. Later research says there might be a fourth attachment style: anxious/avoidant. I learned about these styles in relation to child development (particularly infant's development), not in relation to adult interaction. So that was a new twist. Now, are there only 3ish attachment styles? Who knows? But let's just roll with this idea for now.

Secure attachment means that the people in question are comfortable with intimacy and from their secure base, go out and explore the world. They can be separate from each other and be okay though they also like being together. Anxious people desire intimacy but when they are separated from their partner, they worry a lot about whether or not their partner will be faithful, will be there when they return. Avoidant attachment means people are very independent from their partner, keeping them at a distance, and often avoid intimacy. Of course, secure attachment is probably the ideal, but theoretically, that's not everyone's style (and early experiences influence the later attachment style).

Although the theories seem to make sense, I wonder two things. First, is there an "extrovert bias" to these attachment styles? I think about someone who is introverted (like myself). Introverts aren't always "open" about how they are feeling because introverts, theoretically, process internally. A "secure" person, according to Levine and Heller, has little difficulty expressing needs and wants to his partner. Some introverts don't verbally express what they want often, and is that necessarily "bad?" Avoidant people often don't desire as much intimacy as their partners, and introverts may not be as "intimate" as others. I can see how by these definitions, an introvert can be pegged as "avoidant." So what's the difference between introversion, which is okay, and avoidant, which is not okay? Where do we draw the line between personality trait and problem? And what exactly is "intimacy?"

Similarly, I also wonder if it's possible to be a mixture of styles. Does everyone fall neatly into one of these 3 categories all the time? Is it possible to change from one style to another (or is it pretty much set in stone based on early experiences with parent-child attachment)? Are anxious people only anxious if they match with an avoidant? Can an anxious person switch to secure if they match with another anxious person or a secure person? Of course, a magazine article doesn't have room to go into all these nuances, but I wonder if the actual research did?

My impression after reading, though, is that not having a "secure" style isn't as big a problem as matching up with someone whose attachment style is dissimilar to yours. You have to know your style and what you want from a partner (and your partner should be willing to give it). This can be a bonus for introverts who, because of their introspection, probably know this about themselves already.

Geez, matching up sure is complicated!

Why do stores hate my body?

2010-12-29T10:07:00.000-08:00

This isn't directly related to virginity or singledom. However, it is about the plight of the modern American woman and has been on my mind the past 24 hours. :-P So I wanted to blog about it.

I was doing some after-Christmas shopping with my fellow virgin friend, Amy. After a couple hours of finding nothing, I whipped out my phone and put on my facebook status, "I don't understand why stores don't like my body. I'm not the only one with curves in this city!"

Oh the slew of comments that followed! I don't think I've ever had such an active discussion on my status. Basically, everyone agreed that shopping sucks and it's hard to find anything that flatters your body. The crazy thing is, it's hard for everyone. EVERYONE. Well, at least everyone who responded to or "liked" my status. Not all of them were curvy. One girl was short and lamented that she can't find anything either. She has to get clothes altered. Even one guy said he can't find any clothes.

I don't HATE my body. I like having curves, though I do wish the butt was a little smaller! It's not fun shopping for pants or skirts when your hips are two sizes bigger than your waist (according to the clothing makers). I just get frustrated when clothes that suit my frame are not "in style."

I know what looks good on me. I'm not a poor grad student anymore or a broke teenager who doesn't know any better about what clothes to get. I hate having to "settle" for second-best (or third-best) clothes even though I now can afford to pay more for nicer stuff. It used to be I had to settle for not-as-flattering stuff because it was the cheapest thing that could get over my hips. I can pay $50 for a flattering skirt now (which I did, by the way, on this shopping trip because I couldn't find one like it anywhere else).

I think about "What Not to Wear," that TLC show where the hosts make people throw away their old wardrobes, give them lessons on what to buy for their body, and send them off to stores with a credit card to buy new clothes. Some people would break down and cry when they put on clothes that actually flattered them. "Wow, I have gorgeous legs!" "Hey, I do have a nice rack!" "I never thought I could look like this." It's so true! When you finally put on a pair of jeans that are actually cut for you, when you put on a dress that shows off your best assets, oh my goodness. It can drive you to tears, especially after years of walking into stores that have nothing, of seeing "beautiful" people on TV who look nothing like you. No matter how highly you think of yourself, it can be discouraging. And you settle. You settle for the "best you can find," instead of the best.

And how often do women settle in their lives? The clothing shopping experience becomes a metaphor for women's (perhaps everyone's) lives. You know what you want out of life, you know exactly what will make you happy, but you can't find it and don't know where to look for it or how to attain it, so you "settle." You settle for good enough. The good enough jeans, the good enough dress, the good enough dinner, the good enough car, the good enough job, the good enough boyfriend. Sometimes good enough is all you need (like a "good enough" tomato), but when everything in your life is "good enough," especially if you're a dreamer, you want to pull out your hair in frustration. Life is too exciting, there's too much for you to experience, yet you're stuck in the ordinary, the "good enough."

So my friend with the generous thighs and I buy low-rise jeans that we constantly pull up every time we sit down, because even though the waist is too big, we need to get jeans that fit over our big butts. We need mid-rise or high-rise, but guess what? Mid-rise jeans that are relaxed in the thighs are not "in style." Instead, all the mid-rise jeans are tight through the thighs right now. We have a hard time finding jeans that are tight in the waist and loose in the hips.

The glimmer of light in my facebook comment string was by the end, I put together everyone's recommendations for curvy-friendly stores. It shows how necessary it is for women to get together, share our stories, share our wisdom, even if the wisdom is about something as "unimportant" as where to buy cute jeans. Individually, we have little clue how to go about our lives, but together, we can do this!

By the way, here's our list in case you need some ideas:

"Seven" at Lane Bryant
"St. John's Bay" at J.C. Penney
Zara
Levi's
Fashion Bug
Old Navy (sometimes)
Torrid
Avenue
the maternity department at any store

I also typically have good luck at New York and Company and H&M.

What's it like to be a "spinster?"

2010-12-19T18:55:00.000-08:00

Apparently, a ton of fun!

Last Saturday, I went to a party hosted by someone in the Book Club. A friend of hers, Rosie, also attended the party. I mostly hung out with other Book Clubbers but Rosie made the rounds and eventually stopped by our little cluster.

Rosie is in her late forties, unmarried with no kids. She is also a seasoned partier! She lives in a suburb that's about two hours away by the suburban train. She decided not to take her car into the city because the forecast called for a heavy snowstorm. So that night, she had packed a bag with a change of shoes (she was in stilettos), money for taxis, and was on her way to another party where she was going to crash for the night. This party I attended was mostly middle aged people by the way. I think I was the youngest one there, and I'm in my late twenties. So this wasn't drunkfest. People drank wine and just a couple bottles of beer brewed at local breweries or in people's homes. No tequila shots and Beer Pong.

Anyway, Rosie talked a little about some of her travels. She also discussed her annoyance with people who just wanted to talk about their kids. She liked to talk about ideas. She mentioned a book club she used to attend where the women would talk about the book for five minutes and then start talking about babies and all things child-related. Torture! If I spend a few weeks reading a book, I don't want to talk about it as a group for five minutes!

So I related to her love of travel and love for intelligent conversation. She was also gorgeous! She looked ten years younger, slim, few wrinkles, big eyes, shoulder-length straight hair with a slight curl, tanned skin. She said she had no regrets and believed in living life to the fullest, taking chances. I told her I wanted to be like her when I grew up. She said she knew senior citizens whom she hoped to be like when she "grew up!" She said that it was important for us women to have role models, older women to look up to.

Listening to her, I envisioned the possibilities for me if I remained single. Rosie lives a full, exciting life. She has the energy and zest for life of someone in her twenties, yet speaks middle-age wisdom.

I won't soon forget Rosie. Single, middle aged woman today are redefining "spinster." They aren't sad old maids, knitting home alone, lamenting their lack of husband and children. They are being "fully single," doing everything possible that a single person can do. If that's the life that awaits me, singlehood won't be such a bad thing after all.

Oh and Mark, my most recent crush, was there by the way, and we barely spoke to each other. Such is what happens at parties. He spent an hour talking to a new girl, who we clubbers suspected was a new love interest. I was even able to sincerely ask if he got her number. But he stated that she was with someone else. Rarely do I witness a straight guy talking so much, so intensely with girls in whom he has no romantic interest! He and I talked about a book (of course) later in the evening, but not much more than that. Just further confirmation of his lack of interest in me. My crush came back for a second when he revealed that he can play the guitar. I am a complete sucker for guitar players! Ability to play the guitar is a much bigger turn-on for me than ability to bench-press 100 pounds. But after talking to Rosie, I wasn't lamenting my single status quite so much anyway.

adventures on plenty of fish

2010-12-18T12:46:00.000-08:00

I'm trying to be active on pof.com, but now I'm remembering why I didn't go on that site for several months.

There are no "catches" on plentyoffish. :-P

Seriously, do all guys just click on girls they think look pretty and send them a "wink" (or whatever it's called on pof). Do any guys read the profiles of the women they find attractive?

Once again, I'm receiving a couple messages per day that say, "Hey gorgeous, wanna chat," or something similar. There is no indication that they read my profile at all! No, "Hey, you like dancing. What kinds of dance?" It's like they all just copy and paste a stock message into every message (if they bother to send a message).

One man earlier in the week actually read my profile. But here was the issue. On my profile, I say that I tend to be more outgoing online than in "real life" (though I am less reserved once I get to know someone). I also said that I am not afraid of the "Where do we stand" conversation, so feel free to ask. Dude messaged me and said, "Both of those are red flags, but I'm still interested." The message also stated that basically I would have to prove to him why he should consider me. I don't have the exact message, but that was the gist. He also said I suffer from "online balls." I don't want to try and figure out what that means.

I wrote him back saying, "If introversion and open communication are red flags for you, we don't need to communicate." I then blocked him. Harsh? Perhaps, but telling a woman that two things in her profile are "red flags" is not the way to win her over! I already did my "proving" in the profile. I'm not going to chase any man online.

Another man was not interested in reading my profile, even after I responded to him. He had sent me a "wink" on Sunday. I checked out his profile and he actually looked kind of cute. Most of the guys who message me, I don't find attractive. However, we had nothing in common other that we were both Catholic and liked animals. He was undecided about kids. So I messaged him and asked what it was in my profile he found interesting. He admitted that the wink was really based on appearance. He asked me to instead say 3 "must know things" about myself, but not funny, nice, honest etc. Again, I already wrote my profile. I said, "Well, if you read my profile, you'll see I have a lot going on. I really can't summarize myself in 3 sentences. What are three things you want to know about?"

Haven't heard from him since Tuesday. Don't think I will.

I actually take time to write my profile. I actually spend one-two minutes reading profiles of guys I find interesting. I expect the same courtesy. Read my profile before you message me. Is that really so much to ask?

I've messaged a few guys, but haven't heard back. Such is the game I guess.

Now I'm really starting to think that the guys on pof are just looking for sex. They don't even want to spend the effort reading a couple paragraphs about someone.

I tried the paid websites and got nothing. I refuse to pay any more than I already am for that stupid elove. Other people find "love" for free. Why can't I?

Why choose virginity?

2010-12-07T20:55:00.001-08:00

I usually avoid two posts in a day, but today I was reading about stay-at-home daughters and Purity Balls. I thought, "These people are nuts!"

But when I said, as a teenager, "I'm going to be a virgin until marriage," it put me in solidarity with these crazies.

When I think back on why I chose virginity in adolescence, though, I realize that despite being connected with these loons, I wasn't exactly like them. Firstly, I was able to choose it. Stay-at-home daughters don't choose their destiny or how to explore their sexuality. They go straight from home to husband, with no time on their own to even think about getting their cherries popped.

I thought about conversations I had with my mother. Of course, she encouraged me to wait until marriage (she only had one partner before my father, her husband), but she still said, "If you do have sex before marriage, use protection!" So there was never pressure from my mom to stay a virgin "or else." It wasn't so much about being pure because God says that's what purity is (even though that became part of it for me). It was more about protection of my body, heart and soul. Protection of the body from pregnancy and STD's, protection of the heart and soul from the heartbreak of breaking up with someone to whom you lost your virginity. Meanwhile, my dad said, "No dating until you're 16!" I was a little too obedient to that! But he said it was because teenage boys were immature and only interested in sex. I went to an all-girls high school so I don't know if that was true for every teenage boy, but the junior high boys sure seemed that way...

I think there's a difference between telling your daughter to be a virgin to please God and telling your daughter to be a virgin to protect herself. I guess both can be problematic, but at least in the latter it's more about your daughter, not rules. My parents taught me that I shouldn't give it up to a guy that didn't deserve me. My mom told me over and over, "your body is a temple, and was only designed for a king." That statement can be problematic too. I think my body is not just designed for a man's pleasure. But again, that statement is taken out of the context of a discussion of how wonderful a person I am, how precious my body is, and how I shouldn't just throw it around at any guy who flirts with me.

And I never thought for a second that abstinence-only education should be taught in public schools! I went to public schools through junior high. In the late 90's, we learned about abstinence and contraception. I liked that the best protection against pregnancy and STD's was just to not have sex. Obvious, straightforward, and you don't have to worry about taking pills or fiddling with condoms or getting tested...protected sex seemed like such a hassle. Get to the fun already!

Again, my stance is in transition. I don't want to have an oppressive definition of femininity or female sexuality. As a teenager, I didn't feel like I was missing out or that virginity was holding me back from living a full life. My early twenties were quite full and amazing, even without a boyfriend!

But now I do feel like I'm missing out. Now, I feel it's a lie to say being a virgin is still liberating or empowering me, helping me live a full life. Now, something's missing...

And I definitely don't want to be mistaken for the SAHD's or Purity Ball people! But if people still talk to me like someone who's had sex, I guess I'm not as loony as the fundamentalists.

Going...going ...gone!

2010-12-07T12:43:00.000-08:00

No, not the virginity.

I am currently crush-less, or perhaps in-between crushes.

I finally found out indirectly that Mark actually plans on having kids someday, or at least assumes it. I never knew for sure. I don't often bring up my childfreedom in casual conversation, especially with people I only see once per month. The crush was waning, but this kills it. Those blinders have fallen off and now I'm seeing all the ways we aren't compatible anyway. If only I knew he wanted kids earlier!

It's always a mix of liberation, boredom and disappointment when a crush terminates. Who can I daydream about in idle moments? Who can I fantasize about when my thoughts wander before bed? I guess I can just daydream about celebrities, but it's not the same.

Yet I also feel “normal” again. When I listen to a love song, I won't imagine a crush singing it to me. When I watch a romantic comedy, I won't imagine myself and the crush in the leading roles.

And my searches on online dating sites, which I've resumed, won't be so half-hearted. I changed to a better picture and already got a few winks and messages, but if it doesn't look like the guy actually read my profile, I ignore the message and block the guy. Cruel? Perhaps, but I actually put a lot of effort in writing my intros. So, if a guy is actually interested, would it kill him to spend a couple minutes reading my spiel? How do I know a guy isn't just winking at everyone and copying and pasting the same message (for example, “Hey, ur beautiful. I like your smile. Let's chat”)? I take time to read profiles. Take time to read mine! It's especially annoying when guys who want kids (or worse, guys who have kids) message me. That further makes me think they didn't even read the basic stuff!

I'm slowly starting to get excited again. In my “real” journal, I've started mapping out a plan for “putting myself out there.” Yes, I'm planning. Yes, I'm being strategic about it. Not just letting it happen or “waiting” for Mr. Right to come to me. When I didn't try, nothing happened. Now I'm trying. Still no relationship, but at least I've dated now. If I didn't do online dating, I'd have no dates at all.

Am I dateable?

2010-12-04T14:32:00.000-08:00

For awhile, I've been seeing myself as undateable. I guess it's normal to go through periods of high and low self-image. I wouldn't exactly call it self-hate or a total lack of self-love, more like some sort of acceptance. "Well, I'm not anyone's type, I guess." I have felt like giving up on dating, or at least on trying. I have felt like just "waiting" and "letting it happen" as opposed to being more proactive, like it's a waste of time for me to try dating because no one wants me anyway. I have been feeling like so many of my qualities are unwanted in a date.

Thoughts running through my head: "I'm vegan. Who would want to date someone who can't eat everywhere? Where would we go on dates?" "I don't want kids, ever, and most guys out there want kids. And the ones who don't want kids are all Atheist or non-religious." "I'm sexually inexperienced and won't put out on the third date or whatever that rule is, and every other girl will." "I'm a practicing Catholic, and nobody wants someone religious because he'll think I'm some brainwashed Jesus freak." "I can't tell a guy I have taken bellydance because he'll either think I'm a whore or flighty. How many people think, 'intelligent' when they hear someone is a bellydancer?" "I like reading, but not all kinds of books. A reader won't think I'm intellectual enough." "I like pop music, but an intellectual guy will think I'm mindless and unsophisticated if I say I like pop music." And on and on and on.

But then I remembered that there are millions of guys out there. Millions. And if a guy is my Mr. Right, being vegan, Catholic, a bellydancer, reader, choosy with the cherry, a lover of pop music and childfree won't be a turn-off.

So for the past few days, I've been changing my self-image back to something more positive! True, I'm not every guy's Ms. Right. However, that doesn't mean I'm NOBODY'S Ms. Right. My Mr. Right will have no problem with going to restaurants that have something for me besides a house salad (I don't need to go to an all-veg restaurant, but I don't want only a salad, I mean I didn't get these womanly curves by eating salad my whole life). He won't think less of me if I like pop music and bellydancing. What straight guy wouldn't be turned on by bellydancing? He won't think I'm a total prude if I don't put-out after a few dates. He'll be willing to wait longer. He won't care if I don't like every piece of high literature out there. I like reading classics, but not all of them. He'll respect my religious practices and won't think I'm a mindless sheep, drunk on the opiate of the masses. And perhaps most importantly of all, he'll either be undecided about or totally against having kids someday.

So I'm at least trying to be active again on the dating websites and trying to stay alert, awake for "sightings." I can't just sit around and "wait." That didn't work. Most of my dates have been with men I met online. So I need to be proactive. And I need to remember that though I may not turn every guy on, I'm SOMEONE'S wet dream.

Hit and miss

2010-11-29T12:52:00.000-08:00

Over the weekend, I had what J.M. Kearns, author of Why Mr. Right Can't Find You, would call a "sighting."

Sort of.

I'm trying to be better about keeping my eyes open for potential matches. Taking off the headphones, putting down the novel on the train, etc. This weekend, I went to my favorite coffee shop to do paperwork. A trio of young people, two girls and a guy, arrived. I was working at a couch and facing the wall opposite. They sat at a table on the wall opposite me, to my left. One girl had her back to me, while the guy and other girl sat beside each other, facing my wall. I continued my work.

While working, my peripheral noticed the male head turned in my direction. I took off my headphones, remembering my mission to stay alert for sightings. I pretended to look at the artwork on the opposite wall. He turned away. I glanced at him when his head was turned. I hadn't checked him out when he first arrived. He was a somewhat attractive (to me). Just needed a shave. He looked like all the other young, White, hipsterish men in my neighborhood: black, thick, square frame glasses; ear-length, wavy brownish hair; blue knit skull cap; khakis; green hooded sweatshirt.

I also noticed, though, that the girl beside him (whose attention was mainly directed at her girlfriend and whatever they were looking at on the laptop) was leaning on him, snuggly.

Great. A guy who looks like my type, at my favorite coffee shop, who is checking me out...is taken.

I thought perhaps I was imagining his glances, but my peripherals saw his head turn my direction at least three times. I actually did make eye contact with him once while he was sipping his mug, confirming my suspicion. Honestly, I was flattered, though I made no expression as such when I looked at him. I was facebook-chatting with my one of my friends during this episode, and asked her if I should smile back anyway. My friend said, "YES! U GO GIRL!" But just when I decided to be "bad" for once and wink at a cute guy who was clearly taken, he stopped looking my direction. He turned his head all the way to his girlfriend and covered his face with his left arm.

I like to think he covered and turned his head because my beauty was so striking, he wouldn't have been able to resist looking at me otherwise. :-P

Once the buddy left, the young man and girl beside him kissed each other, and her attention was finally totally on her man. They did look like a match. She also had a knit skull cap, fingerless knit gloves, denim frayed mini skirt with leggings, thick black square framed glasses. Two young, White, hipsterish people in love, or lust, whatever.

Better luck next time I suppose. At least I had a burst of hope. It is possible for the attraction to be mutual someday. Now where to find the single boys?...

Why would a virgin need lube?

2010-11-20T15:44:00.000-08:00

Because I've been having issues with the girly bits lately.

I'll try not to be too specific (though any women reading this might figure out what it is anyway). What's strange about the issue is that, upon googling it, I discovered that it is typical of menopausal women, as lack of estrogen causes it. However, I'm not menopausal. For other women, causes of the issue include childbirth, sex without adequate foreplay, new detergent, and stress. I figured it must be stress as I was stressed out last month. I had the issue during my PMS week last month but now again during PMS week this month. Could it be hormonal? Is it an infection? I got some feminine wipes last month, but those didn't really help.

You're probably thinking, “Just go to the gyno, flamencokitty.” You're right, but here's the thing. Firstly, I don't know when I'll have time this week. If the pattern from last month continues, the issue will go away before I make it to the doctor. Secondly, upon further reading about my issue, it sounds like all I might need is...lubricant. I don't have any of the other related symptoms. I don't want to panic and run to the doctor when I don't need a prescription.

So today, I returned to the girly-bit-medicine shelf. Now, I strive for all-natural and animal byproduct-free ingredients when I'm in the health aisle. What bugs me about the feminine products, though, is most of the medicine, cleansers, creams, douches etcetera are loaded with ingredients I can't pronounce. They also have parabens, animal-based Vitamin D, and other things I try to avoid. I am not concerned if I, one time, put parabens or whatever on my arms or legs (like in lotion), but I don't want to rub these chemicals all over the girly area! Plus, the wipes I got last month had all that mess and still didn't help.

In addition to the annoyance with all the un-hippie chemicals, I did feel a little uncomfortable looking for a lubricant. Yes, I'm an adult. Yes, most adults are sexually active. Yes, the cashiers don't care what I buy. Still, it was weird. I'm a virgin and still need these things for the girly area, though the main purpose of the lube is to “enhance sexual pleasure!”

Fortunately, the only products that had “all natural,” paraben-free ingredients were the lubricants. It actually is helping more than the wipes. Plus, I don't have to worry about using it only a few times a day or week. I can use it as needed. Don't worry, if the issue arises again next month, I will go to the gyno.

My nosy mother is coming by to the visit next week. I just hope she doesn't go poking around my bathroom cabinets! She will confront me if she finds the lube.

Do you regret being single and a virgin?

2010-11-13T13:51:00.000-08:00

Not when I listen to the radio.

En route to work, I switch between the Steve Harvey Morning Show and some local pop radio stations. Every morning, with rare exceptions, the radio shows talk about relationships. The pop radio stations in particular, talk about sex (while Steve Harvey's Strawberry Letters tend to focus more on long term relationships…well, usually one party thinks it's long term while the other thinks it's a fling). When people call and discuss their love, sex, or other relationship issues, I don't think I'm missing much.

“I slept with a married man and got pregnant but he doesn't want to leave his wife for me.”

“I had a great date with this woman but when I tried to call her, she never returns my calls and I don't know what I did wrong.”

“Should I stay in school or go move in overseas with my long distance boyfriend?”

“I was married to a man for 15 years and had two kids with him and he cheated on me.”

“My man's in jail, but he says he's a changed man, and when he gets out he still wants to be together and we have a kid together but I don't know if I should get back with him.”

“I found out my girlfriend has had several dozen sex partners and now I don't know if I want to be with her anymore.”

“I'm a woman and my man won't marry me until I have sex with my best girl friend, and he wants to video it.”

“I don't want to be friends with benefits any more. I want a real relationship with him.”

“I think my boyfriend sexually assaulted my son. I don't know what to do.”

And on and on and on.

Frankly, the drama frightens me. There's a lot of drama out there too. A lot. Some I could never imagine. I'd like to think I'm smart enough and wise enough and have set my standards high enough to avoid the most dramatic drama, but who knows? Who's to say I wouldn't end up in such messes? In some of these situations, the solution of “break up with him/her” seems obvious to me, but I'm an outsider. Do I really understand what's at stake if the couples break up?

I'm hoping that because I am older and my pool of men is older, my future partner and I will be mature and wise enough to not end up like some of the people on the radio. If we do break up, hopefully it won't be as messy, as traumatic as some of these other couples. Breakups are seldom smooth and easy, but if I choose right, at least authorities will not be involved.

Look out world, here I come!

2010-11-05T20:42:00.000-07:00

Recently, I posted a facebook status saying, "[flamencokitty] needs to learn to go for it." A couple of my friends "liked" it, including a friend who I always saw as assertive, outspoken, someone who already "goes for it." I asked, "How can people as awesome as us be so not proactive?" She responded that she spent a good chunk of her life undermining herself and her abilities, but once she reached her mid-twenties, she began to get over it. So now, she is on her own Project-Get-Out-of-My-Way. She's not perfect at it, but progressing.

I thought that was a fantastic idea!

My facebook status was mainly related to my shyness regarding guys. I don't consider myself shy, except with my crushes. However, I tend to be attracted to the quieter, shier sort. Perhaps instead of sitting around waiting to see if Mr. Shy will ask me out, because I can be assertive, I might need to be the pursuer. I can't worry about whether or not he'll reject me. Isn't knowing for sure that he is not attracted better than being in the gray? I need to get over my self-consciousness (“No, I’m not pretty enough. I’m not his type. I’m not smart enough. He probably doesn’t like me. I’ll look foolish for chasing him…”). At the very least, I need to fight the hesitation more and make my attraction to the guy more obvious. The guy remains Mark right now. That crush waxes and wanes. In idle moments, I run through things he has said or done that make me wonder if the attraction is mutual. However, when a crush hits the "maybe, maybe not," gray area, I obsess and read every little thing as attraction. I don't want this crush to go from fun mental diversion to infatuation.

Upon further reflection, though, I realized that I am also guilty of undermining myself in other situations too. This is my fifth year working in my career, and I'm now starting to feel like less of a beginner. I am actually pretty good at my job. I've even informally begun to mentor others, and the advice I'm giving now is solid (though I of course still turn to more experienced people when I'm stuck too). Also, in dance class, I changed to a class that has more beginners (due to schedule conflicts). I see how far I've come. I'm starting to challenge myself more in class.

It's amazing how it all connects.

I want to do my own version of Project-Get-Out-Of-My-Way, starting in the New Year (a resolution). I'm playing around with different ideas. Doing a new thing every month? Talking to one new guy a month? I don't know yet. But I need to do it. As my young adult group leader told me in Spring, my star is rising. I didn’t believe her until last month. I can't hold my star back. I can't!

peer pressure and virginity

2010-11-02T18:58:00.000-07:00

Lately, I've been going back and forth between whether or not to stay a virgin until marriage, or even engagement. It didn't seem so naive when I was 18. However, I'm approaching my late twenties this month. It's making less sense now. Recent conversations continue to challenge me.

Very few of my friends and acquaintances know I'm still a virgin. So they speak to me as if I'm sexually active. Last week, a friend of mine posted a facebook status saying, "No sex for you haha." I think that was aimed at a former lover of hers. In a moment of sexual frustration, I replied, "You just had to bring that up," to which she responded, "You better get some!"

Today, while knocking on doors and encouraging people to vote, my partner, a 21 year old man (and a new dad, who is not with the baby mama), said, "You need to get some penis!" I laughed and said, "Maybe." I didn't reveal my virginity to him, but I did reveal that I never had a boyfriend. During our conversation about all things dating-related, he asked if I ever did booty calls or one night stands. I said that I didn't, and he said, "Oh, you're very careful with your partners." I replied, "Yeah, I am." It's true, I am careful, hence my lack of partners!

In high school, I had no problem ignoring media messages about sex. I didn't feel pressure from many peers, but the little I did encounter I brushed off, no problem. I didn't really have a sex drive back then. Even when I crushed on a guy, I didn't consider swaying from my position. Now, when I look around at my friends, I can't help but think, "Am I the stupid one?" Even most of my good, unmarried Christian friends are sexually active. I don't think they're bigger "sinners" or "less pure" than me. In fact, in another conversation with the 21 year old about religion, I said, "If you don't smoke, drink or cuss but are mean to others, that doesn't make you a good Christian. It’s about how you treat other people. It's not about trying to be pure or follow some set of rules. It's about being whole."

After I said that, though, I (internally) put the mirror on myself. Am I also trying to fit some warped idea of purity? Does being a virgin really make me "whole?" Does that really make me a better Christian? I did agree with the young man when he said, “You women have biological needs, right?”

I'm just glad this is all hypothetical thinking. Even if I don't stick to the virgin-til-engagement thing, though, today's conversations with the 21 year old showed me that I won't just give it up to anyone. I will choose a quality man. Even if we don't stay together, I won't regret it...well, unless he's even worse than me in bed!

Rethinking "He's Just Not That Into You"

2010-10-24T17:59:00.000-07:00

I googled the question, "How to tell if a guy isn't into you," and book reviews for Greg and Liz's book emerged. I have read that book and previously sung its praises, but user reviews on Amazon challenged my thoughts on He's Just Not that Into You.

I must admit, the book really is pop psychology, and can't be considered a scholarly source on dating. It's anecdotal, although Greg does indirectly admit that it's not scientific. I suppose it really is just The Rules revamped for modern, young readers. The book, in a nutshell, says that if a guy likes you, he will go above and beyond to show it. If he's too "shy" to ask you out, he's lazy and not worth your time. The book says women shouldn't have to chase men, call or text men after a date, because a man will come after you.

Now, it is true that some men are shy, some are too busy to think about dating (even if they like you), and some men just don't want to risk rejection by asking a woman out, no matter how much they are crushing on her.

Still though, my problem is that guys in the past were giving me clear signs that they didn't like me, but because I thought they were shy, or secretly crushing on me but insecure or unsure of my feelings, I pursued them anyway. I was the one initiating contact. I was the one asking when to hang out. From age 19 until now, two guys have made it obvious that they liked me (though I didn't like them as more than friends): emailing me a lot, calling me regularly, asking to hang out one-on-one (which I suppose is a date). The obvious ones did like me, the not-obvious, mixed signal guys didn't like me. So for me, there was a lot of truth in Greg's book.

Just the same, after reading the reviews, I am taking HJNTIY a little less seriously. It reminded me that sitting and waiting for the guys to come to you is not always a fun place to be. Also, the guys who are very assertive and very obvious in their attraction might be the wrong kind of guy for you. I don't really want a very extroverted guy, no matter how charming he seems at first. They could be very demanding, possessive, and traditional in their gender roles.

So I'm still in a conundrum. The HJNTIY type is really not my type, but my type would probably never tell me that he's into me. That means I have to initiate. But how do I distinguish Shy Guy from a man who isn't into me?...

Maybe I should just stay single. This relationship stuff is too complicated!

Do virgins shop at Victoria's Secret?

2010-10-19T18:40:00.000-07:00

Yes, well, Amy and I do anyway.

This Sweetest Day weekend, I spent one day with my girl, Amy, shopping. Amy is my fellow "virgin until marriage" friend. We walked into Victoria's Secret and neither one of us found what we wanted. While she tried on her unmentionables, though, I looked around at all the sexy duds and reflected. I've been to Victoria's Secret before and have bought bras and panties from there, yet I still feel out of place, like the store is not for me. I know the associates couldn't care less if I "belonged" there or not, if I was a virgin or not, if I was single or not. They just want me to buy crap. Yet my inner, egocentric teenager thought, "Everyone knows I'm a virgin and thinks I shouldn't be here!" Still, I continue to be amazed at all the different ways women can move, shift and tuck their flesh using the goodies at VS: "Can my girls really look like that?" "Could I get away with ruffles on my panties?"

Apparently Amy was thinking some of the same thoughts I was, because upon leaving, she said something along the lines of, "Too bad we aren't going on a honeymoon." I replied, "I know. What's the point of buying lacy, sequined, sexy bras when no one's gonna see it but me?" She said, "It's not gonna stay on very long anyway on your honeymoon!" I agreed, and said that the hubby probably couldn't care less if it all matched.

I admit, I do have one matching lace panty-bra set and some other cute, colored lingerie. This was per the suggestion of a college friend. Even though no one sees the duds, it does help you feel feminine, especially in winter. Underneath my layers of sweaters, cardigans and long johns, I wear lace to remind myself that I'm still female! I do walk with a little more "style" I guess, when I wear girly drawers instead of granny panties.

Still, it would be nice if someone besides me saw the cuteness.

And during my conversation, I might have admitted more than I wanted to admit, though perhaps Amy didn't notice. We discussed our dating woes and how it sometimes sucks not having a boyfriend. I said that I recognize that being single isn't a bad thing and that I have a good life. But it would be nice to share that life with someone, and just once, not sleep alone.

Be aware that I have said multiple times to her that I will NOT have sex before marriage. I said that I refuse, and if I do, the world is coming to an end! Now, though, as I continue to re-examine my stance, I'm starting to think that unless Amy marries first, she won't be the first of us to be deflowered. :/ When I consider whether or not to wait, sometimes it seems so silly to wait. So naive. So limiting. So backward. It made sense as a teenager, but now that I'm in my late twenties, I can't help but question my stance.

But it's hard to know what choice I would make because I've never had to say, "yes" or "no." I've never even been kissed!

Perhaps one day I will go into VS and buy something besides basic black or white, or perfume. Maybe one day I will walk in with a man and ask him which set he thinks would be sexier on me. And perhaps he will whisper the right response, "I don't care which you wear. It ain't staying on..."

"Am I over him?"

2010-10-11T10:55:00.001-07:00

I had a little crush on the moderator of the book club I attend, Mark. I wasn't in hot pursuit because I was getting nothing beyond friendliness from him. Still, I secretly admired him.

Last month, though, Angie came to the meeting. She's also getting her doctorate and just as well-read as him. After the meeting, they got into conversation that spilled into our "after party." They basically talked to each other the whole time at the bar. Lowered voices, constant eye contact, exchange of phone numbers. They didn't even notice when we were leaving. I was playing some bar games with other book clubbers, and one whispered, "Good. He needs to get laid!" We all thought something more than friendship was blooming.

Was I a bit heartbroken? Sure. But I went to another party afterward and thoroughly enjoyed myself. We just aren't compatible beyond acquaintances. Oh well.

Yesterday was another meeting. I took the bus on the way and was journaling when I looked up and noticed someone at a stop that resembled Mark. I put my head down, kept writing. "If it's him, let him come to me," I thought. Very teenager-y, I know. Well, it was him and he did sit next to me and we had harmless chat the whole way. As further proof of his disinterest though, I discovered that he's actually been living less than a mile from me (temporarily) and, btw, hasn't told me. :/ It's difficult conversing on buses on trains, especially on the subway when it gets loud and creaky. There were lapses in conversation and I missed flirting opportunities. So I figured I must be mostly "over him." I still got a little nervous and was again freezing in his presence. I did manage to fit in a couple compliments, though.

At the meeting, someone joked to him "So, where's your girlfriend, Angie?" He replied that she was out of town but he did not know she was his girlfriend.

...What? It was classic "interested" body language! He isn’t into Angie? She seemed like a good match for him. In all honesty, I had a spurt of hope, and regretted that I wasn't more flirtatious when I had him all to myself!

Well, after the "after party," I went with him and two other members home on the same bus. He sat by the man and I sat by the young woman. But as Mark left the bus, he shook our hands, and my voice’s pitch rose as I said goodbye. I also finally looked up and waved at him out the window when he looked back at the bus. I'm horrible about remembering to look back, like they do in the movies.

So I added to my flirting repetoire last night. My crush isn't quite as gone as I'd like it to be, but I think I'm in an overall healthy place. I know there are others out there. I just need to keep an eye open.

What should I do with my life?

2010-09-29T12:18:00.000-07:00

I've recently joined a Catholic leadership group of sorts, and we've been talking about this question a lot. We've been talking a little about discernment and how we can start to figure out what it is we're supposed to do with our lives. Of course, in addition to thinking about career, or vocation goals of mine, I also wondered about this whole single thing.

On the outside, it might look like I've failed in my dating mission this year. I rarely make it to a date #2 with a guy, and all my "crushes" over the past year have fallen through. Have I really succeeded at all if I'm still single? Yet I feel like I've learned so much about how to date, how men's brains work. I have not obsessed over anyone since December 2009 as I have learned how to tell that a guy does NOT like you. That's a big step for me. I no longer blame a guy not calling me back on him being "too shy." I've stopped fooling myself.

Discernment, by the way, is also about choosing between two goods. I truly don't think to be forever single means one is "doomed." I've never been in a relationship, so I've always kept my plate full. I have great friends, a career, two cats that I adore, my own space, hobbies, travel opportunities... One of speakers said while discerning, pay attention to your affect. When I think about being single or married, how do I "feel?" The thought of being in a longterm relationship, honestly, sometimes frightens me more than being single forever. But although I've seen friends struggle in relationships, I have also seen the beauty and richness of longterm relationships that work.

I don't want to close myself to the possibility of being in a longterm relationship, but not because I think my life will be incomplete if I never find romantic love. It won't. I'm going to be "fully single," and take on all the opportunities I can as a young, single woman.

How to find a nerdy guy

2010-09-13T15:45:00.001-07:00

I've been googling this during times when I have nothing better to do, as I am keeping my eyes open for such a man. Although I have never been in a relationship, I think a somewhat dorky or nerdy guy would probably match well with me. I wanted to share some of the tips I found on my searches. Though I plan to try a few out, note that some of the advice was more humorous than helpful.

1) Go to restaurants, the same ones, regularly.
Nerdy guys don't and cannot cook, so they eat out a lot. Also, because they like routine, they tend to frequent the same restaurants.

2) Hang out at "cons."
Comic/Anime cons, Star Trek conventions, video game cons as well as other such sci-fi, technology-ish conventions attract nerdy guys, apparently.

3) Do online dating.
They don't get out much, you know.

4) Try to catch one's eye at the library or bookstore.
I don't know. The library attracts non-nerds too. Students and people who just don't want to pay for books go there.

5) Approach him.
They're too shy and nervous to approach any women, especially one as attractive as you! Well, I'm not one to just go up to guys I find cute. We'll be stuck admiring each other from afar!

6) Join online forums, especially relating to nerdy things.
Again, they seem to have no social skills and do their best communicating online.

7) Go to a technical college.
Too late. I graduated already.

8) Or go to a lecture that's open to the public or take a continuing education adult course at a college.
Nerds are lifelong learners.

9) Hang out at a comic book shop.
Do those still exist? The big chains have manga and comic sections now. I thought they put the comic stores out of business.

10) Hang out at the record shop for a music geek.
One that hasn't closed down, that is.

11) Hang out in the technology section of a store, or even better, a computer store.
If you're into computers and technology, do it. Don't fake being interested in technology.

12) Go to a nice bar.
Nerds like to drink too, but they won't be at the meatmarket.

"Should I stay a virgin until marriage?"

2010-09-07T18:42:00.000-07:00

The other night, some non-virgins (who were unaware of my virginity) and I conversed about our love issues, and this question has been front and center for me ever since.

Two of the women were in their forties, one of whom divorced her husband of sixteen years a while back. They mentioned that for them, sexual compatibility was the most important part of relationships. If compatibility were a “pie chart” (as one of them said, and I think the pun was intended), sex took up at least 60% of the pie. The other woman said close to 75%. Now, these are just two women. It made me wonder, though, is this true for most people? They said that from sex comes all else in the relationship, it’s the foundation and glue.

Then where does that leave me? I plan to eliminate the “most important” part of the relationship until marriage (or at least engagement). Is it ridiculous to expect a man to decide to marry me before he sleeps with me? What about me? What if I’m stuck with a man who doesn’t turn me on in bed, until death do us part?

My inner feminist also wondered about the logic behind virginity. Am I just feeding into some idea that for a woman to be “virtuous,” she has to suppress her sexuality? Sexuality, in many ways, gives women a power over men they might not otherwise have. Our sexuality can liberate us. Is virginity really just another way of holding us back?

I don’t feel totally suppressed, at least not always. I took bellydance after all (and might again as my New Year’s Resolution). I’m seldom uncomfortable in conversations about sex. I’ve gone to a sex toy party. I’m not afraid to show some skin. I also know that if I were to have premarital sex, God would forgive me because God is all-forgiving. However, could I forgive myself?

My friend Amy and I have both decided to wait on sex until marriage. We’re like each other’s role models, and if I have premarital sex, I feel like I’ll be letting her down. This is something we’ve been struggling together with since high school. It’s one of the things we bond over. Amy might have no virgin friends left if I leave the V-club. I think that’s one of the main things keeping me a virgin. I don’t want to abandon Amy.

But that night, amongst those women, I felt like a naive little girl. I don’t want a puppy love, kid relationship. I want to be treated like a woman, and that might mean sex.

I’m still not giving the “cookie” to just anyone. If a man and I are in a committed relationship, if it might be going somewhere, maybe I’ll loosen up my stance. I have a right to be picky, but I also have a right to ecstasy.

Saving Money While Single: Food

2010-08-29T13:18:00.000-07:00

I decided to take a break from dating posts for a bit and talk about another issue that plagues singles: money. I know married people have money problems too, but at least many married couples are living on two incomes. This summer, due to my part time status, I've had to revert back to the uber-budgeter I was when I lived on a volunteer stipend. Also, because I'm a Vegan, I need to get all the nutrients possible out of everything I eat. So I decided to share some of the ways I save on food and get my vitamins.

1) Eat out less.
-Duh.

2) Embrace the "throw everything in a pot" technique.
-This is especially helpful if you have a lot of things in small quantities to finish: 1/4 head of lettuce, 1/2 cup of rice, 1/2 a tomato, you get the idea. Throw it all together as a stew, casserole, salad, stir fry, or soup.

3) Don't toss marinade liquid.
-Add it to the cooking or use it as a dipping sauce (depending on what you're making).

4) Save water from steaming.
-After you steam veggies, save the water and add it to something else later. There are vitamins in there! Use it for boiling rice, add it to sauce, pour it on whatever you're cooking, etc.

5) Blanch and freeze veggies (instead of letting them rot in the fridge).
-Blanching means “placing in boiling hot water briefly.” You can google how long to blanch each kind of vegetable. Throw the veggies in ice cold water, then throw them in the freezer (in a freezer bag of course).

6) Invest in a crock pot.
-Goes along with the "throw everything in a pot" technique, and I found mine at a thrift store (new!). This is especially good for cooking beans. They are also useful for busy people in general. Throw everything in the pot in the morning and when you return from work, dinner!

7) Save water from soaking nuts.
-I soak nuts for making "cheese" and vegan pesto mainly, but then I use the water in something else (like baked goods or oatmeal).

8) Use the last slices of bread
-I used to hate those last two slices of bread that were the ends of the loaf. But now I know you can soak them, blend them and add them to soup to make a creamy sop (that's what they did in the Middle Ages, sans blender). Also, they can be used as breadcrumbs.

9) Whole Foods' bulk foods
-Whole Foods sells lots of stuff in bulk: beans, teas, flours, nuts, granola, spices, etc. You can just buy what you need, which is especially useful for spices.

10) Don't toss brown bananas!
-Put them in the freezer to eat later as a healthy frozen treat. You could also use them instead of eggs in baked goods (and not just banana bread).

Essentially, “waste not, want not” is what I try to follow with food.

Review: "Why Mr. Right Can't Find You" by JM Kearns

2010-08-24T17:49:00.001-07:00

While searching for dating books online, this title kept popping up. I wanted to read this just because of the title. Overall, I love it!

The section that especially grabbed my attention is Kearns' section on compatibility. One of my issues is I'm not so sure what I want. Does it matter if he likes stand-up comedy and pop music like me? Do I really need to look for someone who is my intellectual match? Should I skip over online profiles if I don't find him physically attractive? Well, yes. Kearns specifies what things to pay attention to when figuring out compatibility. One question I love: Can you go on a road trip with this person? Good point. If we have very dissimilar taste in music, what will we listen to on an eight hour road trip?

After reading this book, I did some journaling about my ideal man, with new insights. Before I started dating, I was picky about the wrong things. Once I tried to date, I became un-picky about the wrong things. Now, I feel like I have a better picture of my Mr. Right.

I also have a better idea of how to help Mr. Right find me. Like many other dating sites and books, Kearns says women should be outgoing and we should give a man a signal that it's okay for him to come talk to us (like by smiling). He also challenged my plan to avoid bars, but made a valid argument. Lots of men go to bars, and they aren't all dogs. Seek out more grownup bars or even the bar in a nice restaurant.

What I love most of all, though, is the overarching philosophy of the book. There are lots of guys who will like you just as you are. Also, he challenges us to get rid of the whole "Destiny," thing, as in, "There is only ONE Mr. Right for me and I just need to sit and wait for my prince to come." Although I believe in monogamy and that God has a role to play in matching us up, at the same time, the "there is only ONE man for me" belief is problematic. Billions of people live on this planet, millions in my city. There are probably many men who would match with me. I believe in free will, not fate. God lets us choose which direction we wish to take with our life. I don't believe God plays games like this with us: "Let's see if you can find the ONE man I made for you. I won't tell you who he is or how to find him, but if you don't choose him, you're screwed! Muahaha!" Instead, I think that God already has plenty of good choices for me. Even if I decide not to pair with any, I don't believe God will doom me to an incomplete, meaningless life. What's the point of free will, after all?

Anyway, yes, I recommend it. Yes you must read this if you're single. This will be my new dating manual.

"So why don't I have a boyfriend?" Improve thyself first

2010-08-22T15:25:00.000-07:00

After my blah date with Lou yesterday, I decided to google that question, just to see what "advice" comes up. Several search results featured teenagers asking that question, which further added to my feeling of being "behind" everyone else! There were some recurring themes in the answers. Some included the usual, "be more outgoing," "be more flirty," "be less shy," "get out and meet people." However, another tip that kept appearing was basically, "Focus on YOU and your life."

I like to think I am an introspective person, aware of my strengths and weaknesses, always trying to improve myself. Here's the thing, though. Learning about oneself and improving oneself is a lifelong process. You never finish figuring out who you are and what you're about. Many people don't even come close to figuring that out before their middle years, 40-years-old and older. I know plenty of people in relationships who haven't begun trying to figure out "who they are" or are currently struggling with that question. If I waited until I "knew myself" before I sought a relationship, well, I would never seek a relationship! I have been "working on me" my whole life, but no man seems to want to jump on board with my life. So that advice isn't helpful for me.

However, one other piece of advice that I do think is helpful is "go out and meet people," but perhaps not through the typical means. Watching Tyra's show on Friday (hey, sometimes I like trash TV), further confirmed my belief that going to bars is a bad way for an introverted or shy person to find love. They interviewed a 23-year-old woman who never had a boyfriend and sent her off to a bar with a professional "wingwoman." It was clear that the girl was nervous when the wingwoman went away. The girl was not at her best in a bar. SO WHY PUT HER IN A BAR? Put her in a situation where she is comfortable, where she can shine. She totally seemed like a sweet girl, like she'd make a good girlfriend (and she was pretty).

I think I'm on the right track in terms of joining classes and clubs that I like in order to meet more people (especially guys). That way, the focus is not on socializing but on the task. You don't feel like you're "on stage," but you'll probably be showing off some of your best qualities. I'm already an amazing person, but I can't be an amazing person in a bar or "singles event." Perhaps I can't be amazing on a completely blind date either, where I don't know how not to turn the conversation into a job interview. I need to put myself in situations where I can show off my awesomeness, and therefore attract a guy who just might be compatible with me.

getting their act together

2010-08-19T20:01:00.000-07:00

I got a phone call tonight for yet another elove referral. Rats. Now they are actually sending me dates. The guy is named Lou. He already got a letter about me in the mail but I haven`t received one for him, so the phone call was a surprise. He sounds a bit old. And he`s out in the burbs, but at least he will drive into the city for me. I still am on a high from Mark too, though l know he is probably not into me. Still, I just can`t trust elove. Hopefully the hour date won`t be totally dull. Let`s see how well they responded to my feedback.

Mini triumphs in flirting

2010-08-18T11:00:00.001-07:00

My inner flirt got to spread her wings a bit this weekend. In all honesty, it looked nothing like the picture, but anyway.

Saturday, my friend asked me to be an extra in an independent short film that her friend was directing. I was assigned, last minute, to do something front and center, so I needed makeup. While the makeup girl was powdering and eye-shadowing me, Mr. Director walked by and asked how it was going. The makeup lady said "Just making her gorgeous," and he replied, "Well I don`t see any difference at all!" I replied, "You are just too kind!" That's me, flirt-mode. He was probably gay, FYI.

On Sunday, during the Sign of Peace at Mass, Rick (who has some sort of special needs) once again said, "Ooh, you still have big muscles." I don`t, btw, but that's become the thing he likes to say to me every weekend, after which he proceeds to pat the bit of fat on my upper arm. I told him, "Oh, you are just too sweet!" My inner flirt was now very attentive to any potential flirting opportunities.

All this came to a sort of climax on Sunday afternoon after the book club meeting. As you may know, I have a little crush on Mark, the club moderator. Still don't know if he's gay (I have reasons to suspect he is, on which I won't elaborate now), or interested, or childfree, but I got a little thing for him anyway until I know otherwise.
Let me quickly explain that to get to the meeting via public transit, I have two options: 1) Take the train to the nearest station and walk about fifteen minutes, or 2) Take the train to a station that's further and take the bus, which brings me right to the door of the meeting site. Option 1 is often the quicker route, but if it's bad weather (or I don't feel like walking), I take the bus. After the meeting, I wait for the bus because when Mark leaves, he usually walks past the bus stop to get to his car. Silly me, I know, but whatev. He usually walks right past me without so much as a nod. However, my goofy self still waits for the bus in hopes that maybe he'll at least wave as he passes one day.
Sunday, he was talking (ahem, debating) with a new book club member outside after the meeting. They couldn't come to a resolution in their discussion during the meeting. I started thinking, "Well I guess he's into her, not me," because that's what I do, jump to conclusions, find reasons to stop crushing on guys. I waited (and waited and waited...) for the bus. I stopped glancing over to see if he was walking my way and just read my book.
Lo and behold, Mark stops and says, "The bus is late, huh?" And we preceeded to converse, much to my delight! Nothing sexy in the conversation, just talked about walking, the city, traveling.
It was very cliche, how I was feeling: not fully listening, unable to speak as coherently as usual, lotsa smiling, giddy. I didn't care what he was saying. I just wanted him to talk to me. He actually stayed with me until my bus arrived. I expected just a quick goodbye, which would have made my day! I'd like to think he just wanted to spend time with me because he's totally into me, but I know, I know. It may mean nothing.
Anyway, when the buses arrived (yes two arrived at the same time, typical), he made a comment about their tardiness and I replied, "Well I guess it's a good thing the bus wasn't on time. Otherwise, I wouldn't have got to talk to you!"

Hey, for me, that's flirting. That's as good as I get.

Anyway, my mania and glee and fantasizing has died down, though I still like to run through the conversation in idle moments. Also, now I remember what "attraction" or "chemistry" is supposed to feel like. The conversation should just flow, the "flirting" should be automatic. I remembered that happy nervousness, the desire to be sexy just for him, which I haven't felt since Nate, back in December. No date has tickled my fancy this year. None, yet I wondered after each date if I should give the guys another chance (I usually didn't). Maybe the spark would be delayed? I don't know if Mark was feeling the tension too. With my luck, probably not, but I friended him on facebook anyway a couple days ago, and he accepted. I guess I should be happy that he sees me as a friend at least.

And now I can facebook-stalk him and keep in touch between meetings. ;-)

ARGH!!

2010-08-12T16:55:00.000-07:00

I try to avoid doing 2 blog posts in a day, but I'm frustrated, and am so close to abandoning this whole dating resolution!

I decided to try the online dating thing again, per the urging of a friend of mine. She recently found a man on okcupid and told me that there are so many nice guys out there! I have to give it another shot!

So the last week or so, I've been on okcupid, mingle2, you and me pure (the virgin website), idonotwantkids.com, and I've come up with a whole lot of nothing. It's the same problem I had before. I can't find good guys who don't want kids. The guys who don't want kids either a) are Atheist/Agnostic or b) really want sex (some moreso than others). Some are even sexual deviants! What's annoying about okcupid is you can't put "doesn't want kids" as a search preference. So I have to read the entire profile and weed through a bunch of answered questions to figure out if they want kids. I guess I could just ask them, but then I'd be messaging dozens of guys daily and they'd all be incompatible anyway. Only 5 virgins are in my state on the virgin site, and the one who really appealed to me wants kids. Mingle2 is a wasteland. They all look shady. I know, don't judge a book by its cover, but that's what you have to do with online dating. Some of the guys on mingle2 even have very suggestive headlines ("looking for someone to go downstairs")

I can't win!

I read quite a few childfree blogs, and a lot of childfree are married. They found someone, why can't I? Is it because I won't put out? Is that what it is? Sometimes I think so. Perhaps it really is too late. Perhaps this whole effort is fruitless.

I didn't try to date and got no boyfriend. Now I have gone on dates with about 6 guys, still no boyfriend. I started making more of an effort at this a year ago. Am I being impatient? I know, if God has a man for me, God will send him (or lead me to him) when the time is right. Despite this ranting, I really do like my current life. I'm just seeing if there's a worthy young man I can share my life with.

Maybe not. Maybe I really am meant to be single. I can live with that, really. I just wish I knew for sure if I am wasting my time "trying."

August date: check!

2010-08-12T15:36:00.001-07:00

So elove did send me a referral after all. Rats. I hoped Shea was bs'ing me 100% so I could go forward with my plan: send a complaint to the BBB and block further transactions. I don't think I'm justified in doing that right now since they aren't really in breach of contract. However, I won't call them anymore. If another 3 or 4 months go by without a referral, I'll just continue with my plan to complain and block transactions.

My date with "Juan" was last Friday. I'm trying to document as best I can any contact with elove and what happened/was said on the date, so if they send me a referral that was not what I requested, I have grounds to complain. The date was so-so. He was Mexican (mestizo, to be more precise), so he was definitely one of the more attractive of the guys I've dated! Tan skin, dark short hair that was a bit spiky, a little over six feet tall and five years older than me. Thin, but fit. I saw him walking toward the cafe out the corner of my eye and I didn't think it was him. I thought he was too cute to be my date. It's not that I don't think I deserve an attractive date. I just thought they'd match me with someone somewhat nerdy, like me. Attractive guys never want a second date with me. It's the nerdy ones who are more interested. Anyway, he also was gentlemanly: held the door and paid for my meal.

However, like the last date, he was kinda dull. He's a mechanic (way to be stereotypical Mexican) and that's pretty much all he does. Fix cars and hang out with friends. Yawn. I told elove I want a guy with varied interests, who does more than go to work. The conversation started to slip into car repair and I (sort of abruptly) changed the subject. I tried to keep questions open-ended and do more listening this time. I asked him about Mexico, but we started to slip into a conversation about immigration. It wasn't heated, but I know NOT to talk politics on a first date, so I changed that too. I set the limit of one hour for the date and that was the right time to leave. There wasn't more to talk about, really. Or rather, I couldn't think of any more interesting topics to discuss (that would be appropo for a first date).

There were two main objections I had to him. Juan owns a house (good), but it's in a suburb of my city. His mom lives with him too. Boo. He likes living in the burbs and that won't work for me in the longterm. I'm a city girl. Living with mom is also a turn-off for me. The main drawback, though, is that he wants kids someday. I know I told elove that I don't want kids! So my feedback will focus mainly on those objections. I hate to admit it, but they did send me two guys who were among the cuter of the men I've dated, but the personalities are wrong. I can't be that boring! I can't!

It's BS with elove, this feedback. They screw you over. My interviewer told me to be specific, but if you are specific, you don't get referrals, because you're too specific. What in the world? You can't win. I'm so not paying for a matchmaker again once I'm done with elove!

"Introvert Power" review

2010-08-02T13:33:00.000-07:00

This book isn't specifically about dating, but I imagine a lot of singles have to deal with the "extrovert bias," as the author calls it.

This book is going to become one of the books that changes my life.

When "friends" of mine explain to me why they think I'm single, they often are speaking from an "extrovert bias," meaning extroversion=good/healthy while introversion=flawed/unhealthy. For example, "you need to put yourself out there more," "you need to meet more people," "you need to be more outgoing," "you need to talk more," "you need someone who'll pull you into the conversation." These criticisms go to the core of my being, and refer to qualities which I now realize I can't change.

I'm in dance class, a book club, a young adult group, a leadership group and I have been attending Theology on Tap sessions. I don't have a problem putting myself "out there." I have 200 facebook friends so it's not like I don't know people. I do talk in certain contexts. I don't need someone who'll pull me into a conversation I don't want to get into. How cruel is that? If I felt the need to speak, I would speak. What's wrong with observing, wanting to be left to your own thoughts and reflections?

After reading this, I now have answers to these criticisms. I don't know how many times I wrote "YES" on the margins while reading. I related to so much of what Helgoe was saying. And although I tend to have high self-esteem and love myself, I realized that many of the parts of myself that I thought I needed to "fix," don't need fixing. It's not that I think I'm perfect and flawless. However, I was internally beating myself up about some things, things which I couldn't change. I still bought into the extroverted bias, though I thought I was more independent and free-thinking than that.

Amongst other things, this book confirmed my desire to NOT use "singles events" for dating. I was right. Those sort of dating "network" events where you drink and mingle are NOT good for me, though some well-meaning friends might say that's just what I need. Why put myself in a position that makes me uncomfortable, that shuts me down, where I can't shine? Do I really want a super-outgoing, extroverted guy who knows how to function at those events anyway? Opposites do not always attract.

The funny thing is that many people don't believe it when I say I'm an introverted. According to Helgoe, I'm actually a "socially accessible introvert." I've learned to play the extrovert role, to fake it. Really, though, mingling, idle chat and meeting new people drain me. Big crowds overwhelm me. External busyness wears me out. Although my job requires me to work with people, I'm actually not energized by working with people. More often than not, sitting at home watching movies is more desirable to me than going to a big party.

So EVERY introvert needs to read this, even if you think you're "okay" with yourself. I'm sure you'll get something out of it. Although now I continue to wonder how I'm going to meet a guy who's compatible with my personality. Where do introverts go to socialize?...

elove: the continuing saga

2010-07-26T17:26:00.000-07:00

And so begins my mission to get out of my elove membership (legally).

Well, as you may recall, I signed a contract binding me to elove's services against my better judgment. What was I thinking? Why didn't I listen to instinct, the little voice telling me something is up? I agreed to a $2000 plan which I would pay off over two years. This included 12 referrals (dates). My first (and so far only) referral called me the week of Cinco de Mayo before I got his info. We went on a mediocre date that weekend and I gave my feedback immediately. I have heard NOTHING from elove. Not a thing.

I also have been googling "elove scams" and continue to find complaints and info on their shady practices. One particularly interesting page was The Right One Blows Chunks. The Right One is (one of) their former aliases. I basically had all the same "warning signs" he had, which now leads me to believe that my interviewee was totally feeding me scripted, practiced lines. I also read a story where a woman said TRO hired someone to go on a date with her. Yes, they hire stooges (or at least her branch did)!

Given that, I did a google search and facebook search on my old referral wondering if he was a stooge too. He's not on any social networking site, but I found out that his first name given on the referral sheet was a diminutive. Entering his full name, still no social networks, but now I know he worked at ----Bank in 2008 and gave money to the Obama campaign. I called his number again and it's still him (his voice mail answered, I didn't leave a message). Perhaps he was an actual member and not a stooge, but now I'm skeptical.

Before I give them any more of my money, I decided to try and cancel today.

I called membership services saying I wanted to cancel because I was dissatisfied with the service. Shouldn't have said my reason for calling. Of course, my local matchmaker (or whoever she is), Shay, was "on another call." So I left my name and number and was told she would call back. Three hours later, I called back saying I wanted to cancel because I'm not pleased with the service, that I hadn't had a referral since the first one, and that I wanted no more money withdrawn from my bank account. She said even if I cancelled the membership, I would still have to pay. If I didn't cancel within the 3 days after I signed, I'm obligated to pay. Even if I get married. She constantly answered, "No," as in no I can't get out of it.

But coincidentally enough, she was working on a referral for me today and was just waiting on him to call back before sending it to me. Uh huh. I had to call them to get them looking for a referral (or stooge) for me. She said sometimes things are slow over summer because people are on vacation and that sometimes it takes awhile to match people based on the criteria given. I said that I told Kimberly that it was okay if they were lenient on some criteria to get me "out there" and dating. The criteria I gave was already pretty open to begin with! She asked if it was necessary for the man to never have been married and I said that "Divorced is fine," though I honestly don't want anyone with an ex-wife, especially when they are so young. The only non-negotiable was that he can't want or have kids. So I had to loosen up the criteria though I am the one paying the $2000.

I am determined, though, to find some way out of this. I'm tempted to file a complaint to the BBB and just tell the bank to have the payments stopped. The two things I'm wondering about is there's a portion of the contract missing and the business address given does not show up on any google search. I'm trying to see if either makes the contract null and void.

green eyed monster

2010-07-19T16:47:00.000-07:00

My single life has been going rather well. I have a new job that I love more than the previous one. I've spent about a month and a half in my new apartment and am loving it more and more every day. I was recently accepted into a Catholic leadership program, which I am excited to begin (though I'm not so pleased about being the darkest one on this year's cohort, once again I'm a token :-P ). I have a great, supportive circle of friends. Finally, I have a variety of road trips and other fun outings coming up this summer. Minus being broke until September (one of the downsides of singledom is living on one paycheck), life is overall satisfying.

Yet recent events amongst my friends are making me, well, a bit jealous. One friend is newly engaged. Another friend-of-a-friend is beginning pre-Cana classes with her fiance. Another friend is two months into a relationship with a man she adores. Another friend has yet another boyfriend. Etcetera etcetera etcetera. And I haven't been on a date since April.

Yes, it's partially my own fault as I've once again neglected my plan to have one new date per month, but it's also partially because of all the changes happening in my life over the past few months! I also need to pester elove to send me another referral. I have 11 more over the next two years. That's about one every other month!

So with several friends in romantic bliss, I can't help but feel like I'm "missing out." Although I love chilling on the couch, falling asleep with one of my kitties on my lap while listening to the smooth jazz radio station, I sometimes think, "It'd be nice to snuggle with a man instead of a cat for once!" I'm an introvert, so I can usually be alone without feeling lonely. Lately though, I am feeling a bit like a "loser." I'm in my mid-twenties and have never even been kissed! I'm sitting at home on a Friday night petting my cats? Have I set myself up for spinsterhood?

It's easy to think there's something "wrong" with me. There are women who are less attractive, less friendly, less intelligent and definitely higher maintenance than me who nonetheless found their match. Am I really too picky? Am I really not putting myself "out there?" Have I "doomed" myself to perpetual singledom because I won't put out until marriage (and what man wants to date a virgin in her mid twenties anyway)?

I know that God's will for my life is better than any plan I might have or society might have for me. I just sometimes wish I knew for sure if God does have a guy for me or if I really am meant to be single.

Taking back our dignity...really?

2010-07-06T19:31:00.000-07:00

One of the nun blogs to which I subscribe linked to a website called, "Demand Your Dignity," in honor of today's feast day, which is the feast day of a virgin martyr. FYI, in the Catholic Church, a feast day is the anniversary of the date a saint died.

On the one hand, I think it's totally cool for a nun to link to a somewhat edgy site like this. That ups her coolness and realness to me. I do appreciate that it's a site created by "real men," trying to get the message out there that not all men care about how a woman looks or whether or not she is sexually desirable. They encourage women to demand respect and equality from men in relationships. I have only read a couple articles on the site, but I did enjoyr the "Pressure Against Virgins" article, which argues against the idea that virgins should "downplay their virginity" in relationships. They also link to unknown clothing designers who donate part of their profits to needy organizations and design cute, modest clothes, such as Christa Taylor.

The modesty argument doesn't sit well with me 100% however. I agree that how you dress affects how people see you. Everyone should think about how they dress and what image they want to present to the world. If I'm on a job interview, I shouldn't wear jeans, a t-shirt and gym shoes. If I go to a formal party, I probably shouldn't wear jeans to that either. Different situations call for different "uniforms." I also agree that if you don't want men to look at your large chest, your probably shouldn't wear tight, low-cut clothes. If you don't want men to stare at your butt all night, don't wear tight pants.

However, men need to get their acts together too and learn to control their eyes. I shouldn't have to walk around in a burka all day just because some man can't help staring at me. I've gone to the laundromat in jogging pants and a t-shirt and STILL had men try to flirt with me. No joke. I've been completely covered in a winter coat and men have still said, "Hey baby," to me. It's not just that women are being "too revealing" in their clothing choices. Really, either way, whether I'm dressing like a hoochie to get male attention or dressing like a missionary to avoid their attention, I'm worrying about what men think. So the problem still remains.

It's also one of the things people say to women girls to help them avoid getting raped, i.e. "If you dress like a ho, you have a higher chance of being raped."

Perhaps these men who created demand your dignity dot com also need to make a website for their fellow men telling them, "It doesn't matter what a woman is wearing. You have NO right to stare at her."

Falling in love...with Paris

2010-07-02T12:28:00.000-07:00

Paris, the city, that is.

I returned from a quick trip to one of my favorite cities, Paris, France, about a week ago, and I still miss it, almost like a homesickness. Some might wonder why a single person would go on a trip to the City of Love for a vacay. Indeed, I saw many a couple engaging in PDA while there.

Yet I wasn't jealous of them. Rarely did I wish I had a boyfriend on my arm as I roamed aimlessly the rues of Paris. I was just so happy to be back after nine years!

Because I never have had a boyfriend, I don't know what it's like to travel with one. I've only traveled with groups and alone. I must say, travel can be quite fun and satisfying while single. I can go wherever I want, however I want. If I want to walk or take the metro everywhere, I don't have to worry about a fussy travel companion who wants to take expensive taxis. I can stay in a cheap, "real" French hotel (which means just a twin size bed, desk and sink, if I'm lucky...). I do not have to negotiate with a travel buddy who wants more "American" accommodations and therefore end up paying beaucoup euros. I can linger, or leave quickly. I can be serendipitous. I can sit down and have thé au soymilk at a café or just grab falafel "take away." I can be as scheduled or unscheduled as I wish.

Don't eat take-away falafel in Paris, btw. Or take-away Chinese food, for that matter. Really, don't eat anything take-away there...

Upon returning from France, a friend of mine loaned me the movie, "Paris, Je T'aime." I immediately watched it the night she gave me the movie (this was just three days after returning from Paris, by the way). Of course, I loved it, though it was a little painful to see the places I just visited days before.

The short that hit me the most was actually the last one, which was narrated in French by a middle aged woman who had a very American accent. She was a mail carrier and imagined herself delivering letters on the streets of Paris as she strolled about. I admit, as soon as I returned, I wondered what it would take to move to Paris, and get a little job and a little apartment there. It's hard not to imagine dropping everything and moving to Paris after visiting! She described how there were a few times she wished she had someone to say, "Isn't this beautiful?" to. However, overall, she was happy, and cried tears of joy and sadness, but mostly joy. She said that she fell in love with Paris, and believed that Paris also fell in love with her.

Word. That is exactly how I felt. That Paris loved me. I felt surprisingly normal there. I think it was partially because I'm conversational in French and also because I purposely didn't dress like a tourist. No backpack, bandanna and gym shoes this trip! I upped my style a bit. Indeed, I was mistaken for a local a few times while there! The private, introverted nature of Parisians was also very appealing. If Parisians DO hate Americans so much, I can understand why when I think of a stereotypical boisterous, fussy American. Everyone was friendly with me, however.

So no regrets for traveling alone, not even to Paris. The city is beautiful, magnificent, enchanting enough to distract you from whatever tribulations await you back home...er, your other home, rather.

Book Review: "Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man"

2010-06-15T10:38:00.000-07:00

I know the book is over a year old, but I finally bought a copy and read it in two evenings.

I'm a huge fan of Steve Harvey's morning show, particularly the Strawberry Letters. So I couldn't wait to read the book, thinking Steve would be just as funny and insightful in the book as he is on his show.

Although some parts of the book made me LOL and he did say a few enlightening things (which I'll discuss later), overall, I was a little underwhelmed and wished I hadn't paid full price for the hardcover book. :-P In ALALTLAM, Steve's goal is to shed light on how men really function and think, what motivates them.

As someone who grew up in post-feminist America, some of what he said seemed a little too traditional-gender-roley for me. Steve is from my parent's generation, who generally courted during the 70's. Women's lives have changed a lot over the past 40 years. He talks a lot about "real men" being providers, basically restating the idea that men are supposed to "take care of" women and their families. As other feminists have pointed out, the idea of "men taking care of women" can lead to misogynism and keeps women in a dependent, vulnerable role. SAHM's are no longer the norm. Moms and dads work now. In many ways, especially in such an uncertain economy, the idea of one parent staying at home and not working (by choice) is frankly dangerous. Steve's statement that most men don't mind being the sole provider might have been true for his generation. However, I wonder how many men my age would be 100% okay with mom staying at home full time while he works.

However, although it's true that women's roles are slowly changing, I think boys today are still raised to believe that they will need to be the "provider" and "protector" of their future family. In my line of work, I constantly see parents, particularly parents of African-American boys, telling their boys to "man up," "stop crying like a little girl." Boys are still being socialized to hold in their feelings (which Steve mentions in his book, though he claims it's wired into men's DNA) and be "men." So when he talks about men not being ready for a long term relationship until they have defined "who they are, what they do, and how much money they make," I think that still holds true. I see it amongst my single male friends in their twenties. I've had male friends who were in long term relationships (relationships without sex, by the way), but didn't marry the girl. I wondered why, and reading Steve's book help me see a possible reason why.

He did have some useful tips too, such as 5 questions every woman should ask a man, particularly before she sleeps with him. He also says women should wait "90 days" before they have sex with a guy, to give enough time to figure out if he's worth being intimate with. I have a couple friends who should definitely take that advice! They jump in bed with their guys very quickly. He also tells women to have standards and reminds us that we are really in charge in relationships. We define which way the relationship goes. When a man is really "into" a woman, when he wants more than sex from her, he will follow her terms in a relationship.

So I guess it's not all so revolutionary or new, and definitely not as funny as the Strawberry Letters segment. However, I think it's worth a read if you can excuse his more traditional statements. After all, he's a product of his generation.

I just wouldn't pay $24 for it if I were you.

Shortest crush ever

2010-06-15T07:55:00.001-07:00

Last Thursday, I went for some drinks with a few old friends from college. One young man who attended was “Eric.” He is a year older than me, and we were in a few student groups in college together. Therefore, we have many mutual friends and hung out (in groups, never one-on-one) regularly in college, but seldom see each other since he graduated. We exchange small talk at parties and when I used to take public transit, I ran into him on the train a few times. I also saw him at a protest that I passed while riding my bike. So we still run into each other, actually. :-P He’s very sweet, a bit introverted (which is a turn-on for me), very passionate about his political beliefs, but not self-righteous. His political activism is fueled by his religious convictions. We’re both practicing Catholics, FYI.

In college, I had no romantic interest in Eric. Although he is “in my league” in terms of looks (we’re both nerdy), I never found him particularly attractive on the outside. Plus, a friend of mine had the hots for him during freshman year, and I have this policy of not chasing after guys that my friends like. I hesitate to even do it eight years after she supposedly got over her crush on him. I say “supposedly” because I think she still likes him a little. What kind of friend am I if I pursue a guy who I know one of my best friends likes?

However, Thursday, I was in the mood for a little flirting. Sadly, I’m not particularly good at it. I was happy to see Eric, genuinely, platonically happy. But then it morphed into a more romantic interest. He appeals to me more now than he did in college, and in all honesty, I have toyed with the idea of us together. I sat next to him at the bar, but of course, didn’t talk much to him. A boisterous young man at the table held more of my attention. Bars are too loud for meaningful conversation as far as I’m concerned anyway. Also, in a group of about half a dozen, I become more of a listener and daydreamer. “Eve” had to bring me into her conversation.

So I missed my opportunity to flirt with Eric, but because he was attending a party after our bar outing that wasn’t too far, I offered to give him a ride. I was driving Eve home too, so what did an extra five minutes matter? The three of us exchanged small talk and a few jokes in the car. As he left, my goodbye was extended, and my voice jumped to a higher, more girly pitch. Eve caught my higher pitch and said, “You like Eric, don’t you?”

If it’s possible to blush on the inside, that’s exactly what I did. I’m a contradiction. I want to flirt, but don’t want anyone else to know that I’m flirting. :-P I was caught! I stumbled over my words and told Eve I have thought about it, but I was just playing, having a little fun. But that observation of hers started a whole weekend of me daydreaming, fantasizing and wondering, “What if?” I looked through old photo albums on facebook and on my bookshelf, trying to piece together a story, trying to see if there was ever any hint of something brewing between us. I hate when I obsess over a guy, so I made a deal with myself: “One weekend. I’ll give myself the whole weekend to daydream and fantasize to my heart’s content, that’s it.”

I’m happy to say that the crush that had been sizzling all weekend has fizzled. Although typing this blog entry has got me daydreaming a little again, I’m definitely not where I was this weekend. Plus, I had a bad week at work, and I think I needed a couple days of daydreaming about a boy. So I thank Eric for giving me a needed distraction. Although I certainly wouldn’t turn him down if he ever asked me on a date, I recognize that the likelihood of that is low to nil. We’ve known each other eight years and not once has he asked me even to get coffee with him. Clearly, he’s pegged me as a friend and has no romantic interest in me.

But that’s okay. It really is.

Partying: Catholic style

2010-06-06T15:37:00.000-07:00

A new free magazine aimed at Catholic singles, Tobias, recently began distribution. As a single person who frequently feels invisible at family-centered Masses, I jumped on the opportunity to subscribe to a free magazine that focused on people like me. Some articles are uber-Catholic (i.e. an article that basically said the best sex is sex within marriage), but others have insight that is useful to all single Catholics, traditional and non-traditional.

One article this month, I suppose, was based on the assumption/stereotype that singles love to partay. It was called something like, "Catholics throw the best parties," and said how "Catholic" it is to throw big celebrations. Also, it mentioned that the Catholic church has built in days of celebration throughout the liturgical year and to have a boring party is to be very un-Catholic.

Although the author made some good points, one might argue that it was trying too hard to appeal to singles and perhaps missed the mark on what Catholic singles, particularly the ones who would read Tobias, actually care about. I don't know if the drunken, party-hard Catholics (or former Catholics) would pick up that magazine.

One point in that article I took issue with was when the author said weddings are supposed to be big. He used the wedding at Cana as an example. Jesus' first miracle was turning water into wine. According to the authour, Jesus' first miracle was about keeping the party going and celebrating. Firstly, I question if Jesus' intent really was to keep everyone partying and drunk or if turning water into wine had more to do with the Eucharist and the sacrifice he would be making later. Also, the author used the example of a "typical Southern Baptist" wedding as being un-Christian. According to him, in Southern Baptist weddings, the ceremony lasts only 20 minutes and then everyone goes to the church hall to have non-alcoholic beverages. The author felt that was totally "yawn." OK, that wasn't the author's wording, but that was the connotation.

I never went to a Southern Baptist wedding, but actually, that wedding description sounded way more Christian than some of the other weddings, Catholic or not, that people throw. The wedding at Cana might have been a big deal where everyone in Cana came, sure (I mean, what else was there to do?). But that was 33 A.D. There was no multi-million (perhaps multi-billion) dollar wedding industry telling brides they need to spend tens of thousands of dollars for their wedding to be special, to be perfect. Brides didn't have to go multiple times to the bridal shop to have their wedding dress fitted. Banquet halls and DJs didn't have to be rented. Brides in 33 A.D. didn't spend hours agonizing over what color the centerpieces on their table should be, how high heels to wear, what year of wine to serve. Today, couples get so wrapped up in all that pomp and circumstance of weddings that the actual sacrament gets forgotten, not to mention corporations eating up a couple's hard-earned money.

I agree that some Christians need to learn to "party more." However, first and foremost, a wedding is about a couple coming together in God's name, asking the community to bless their union. Many couples today are opting for smaller, cheaper, more intimate affairs (heavily influenced by today's economy), trying to spend under $10,000 on their wedding. That already sounds like too much to me, but anyway. We are supposed to celebrate seasons of the Church and seasons of our lives, but not at the expense of the original message, the original intent of the celebration.

Hard Truths

2010-05-24T12:48:00.000-07:00

Recently, I attended a baseball game with my young adult group. Within our section were other groups affiliated with the diocese. In front of me were two gentlemen near my age I never met. I paid no mind to them, but the young adult group leader, who was sitting next to me, said that she sold a ticket to one of them, "Al." She was comparing the two men and said that Al was cuter. I agreed, but I honestly hadn't checked them out before she commented. Al was sort of a cross between Chace Crawford and David Cook. Moreso Chace. Then she mentioned that he and I had the same occupation. I gave some sort of reply, and thought "Oh boy, now she's playing matchmaker." Another young man sat with Al and his friend. My young adult leader again whispered that she thought Al was the still cutest of the three. I agreed and she added, "Those other two look like nerds." I responded, "Well if they're nerds, those are probably my choices!" One resembled this guy, but with brownish black hair.

From there, the conversation basically continued with her saying that I shouldn't settle for one of the nerds and I replied that in adolescence, you figure out who your choices are, and guys as cute as Al don't go for women like me. She asked, "Well, haven't you moved on from adolescence?" I said that I have, but others haven't.

A recent show on Discovery Channel talked about attraction and how humans select mates. People generally go for people equal in attractiveness as themselves. Also, in adolescence, you learn by trial and error where you rank in terms of attractiveness. Guys as cute as Al have never been interested in me. The only guys who have been were, well, nerds...like me...

It's a hard truth to face: I know some guys are out of my league. Yes, sometimes oogly guys marry beautiful girls, but I never see men date women less attractive than them. It's not that I don't think I deserve an attractive man, but I'm not naive. I know a little bit about how men function despite never being in a relationship! I know I'm not a "ten." I know I'm the nerdy "girl next door." I know that it's a waste of time going after Chace Crawford-looking boys. They won't date me, and why would they when they figured out they could get someone prettier? Nevermind my great personality traits, nevermind the qualities I have that are important for good girlfriends. If there is no sexual attraction, then I'm just a friend.

Some (meaning a couple coworkers of mine) might argue that maybe I should work harder, girl-ify myself more. Dress sexier, wear makeup, dye and perm my hair, flirt more, get contacts, show off more skin, and then maybe I would get more attractive guys (or more guys period). I'm not good at pretending to be someone I'm not, and what's the point of putting on an act? It'll be a hard reality check when I reveal that I'm actually a makeup-less, four-eyed, khaki and cardigan nerd girl. By the way, I understand I need to dress nice on dates (and have some revealing clothes), and I do own some makeup and high heels for special occasions! But that's not daily.

My young adult leader did go on to say that sometimes people are all looks, no substance. We really didn't know anything about any of the three guys. I concurred that that's usually true :-P . She said she still would try to invite him to a young adult meeting. I'm not holding my breath.

Mutual Disinterest

2010-05-17T16:54:00.000-07:00

It's so nice when the feeling, or lack thereof, is mutual! No drama, no worrying about what to say, how to dress, whether or not to call, what to do on a second date, how to let the guy down easy if he likes me and I don't care for him in that way...

Nick hasn't called me back, which is fine with me. I waited until Tuesday of last week, and then I sent in my feedback to elove.

What's difficult about elove's feedback requirements is that they want you to be honest, be specific, but not be critical of the referral. I understand that "he's boring and ugly and undateable" is useless feedback, and you want to focus on the date, not the person. But then, how can I "be specific" without being at all critical of the guy? "There was just no chemistry," is not helpful feedback either for a matchmaker. They can't guarantee chemistry and therefore there really is nothing they can do if you just don't "feel it" with the guy.

Well, my membership includes 12 referrals, I believe. So there's 11 more chances, 11 more guys I have yet to meet. They really did do a good job on their first try. Hopefully among their male members is someone who is boyfriend material for me.

Not your type? Just right...right?

2010-05-11T17:44:00.000-07:00

Yahoo's Shine site recently had an article about dating outside your type. It had advice from Andrea Syrtash, author of He's Just Not Your Type. The idea was that women should widen their scopes and not be so focused on "checklists" for their dates. Also, women should not freak out if they fall for a guy who isn't their type.

Having never been in a relationship, I don't know what my "type" is. I can't seem to click with anyone. :-P I have a checklist of sorts, but lately I've dated guys who don't fit everything on my list. Actually, I've loosened up a lot having decided to be childfree. It's already "picky" enough to say, "I will not date a man who wants children." I still have a somewhat negative approach when it comes to figuring out my type, as in "my type is not..." I don't want to date Atheists, political extremists, sexual deviants, gangbangers or drug addicts. I have also dated guys who were just, well, dull, and was not interested in a second date. Perhaps that's the sort of man I should pursue according to her? Someone who goes to work and goes home every day? Someone who isn't more than his job, who mostly hangs at home when not at work is who I should consider?

Because I am childfree, I am not in a race against time. I don't need to hurry up and get married and have children because my fertility will stop dropping within a few years. Some estimates say women's fertility can start dropping as early as twenty-seven years old. I come from a long line of Fertile Myrtles, so I don't know if that's true for me. However, I don't need to "settle" as they say. I don't need to settle for someone who's boring but stable and father-material. I can hold out for the type I really want.

Now, I know that exciting guys can be high maintenance and intense, and that might not work for me either. I guess I want someone who's a happy medium. I don't want someone completely average, but I don't want a party animal, daredevil type.

I guess I just need to read the book to see what Syrtash means by dating someone who isn't one's type. I just don't see how a radical, Atheist, BDSM druggie would work for me. :-P

Girls Aloud - Life Got Cold

2010-05-10T20:28:00.000-07:00

This was one of my favorite songs in undergrad. I heard it on an online French radio station. However, looking back, I think it contributed to my staying single for so long, particularly the lyric, "I don't believe in Romeos or heroes anymore."

The video is a let down. They're just walking around looking sultry. So close your eyes and just listen :-P

On the right track...

2010-05-09T21:20:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I had a date with my first referral from elove. Although I'm not sure where we'll go from here, I must say they did a good job on round one.

They really did try to match me up with a guy who fit what I wanted and whose personality went well with mine. When the interviewer asked me what guys I find most attractive, I replied that like most people, I often find guys that look like a male version of me are the most attractive :-P. Well, Nick did have features similar to mine so of course I thought he was cute (not "hot," but I recognize hotness does not necessarily equal quality). Both of us also don't eat meat, have the same number of siblings (with a similar age gap between us and our younger siblings) and live within about 5 miles of each other. Also, I said I wanted a man who was stable, employed and independent, all of which he fits. He's a gentleman too, per my request. It sounds like he's Christian (though I didn't ask directly) and he might not be eager to have children. He's also the height and build I wanted.

I wish, though, that elove didn't ask us to give feedback after the first meeting. If I gave feedback now, I'd say give me a new referral. He seemed a little nervous and was not the best at maintaining a conversation. Also, he seemed a little too ordinary. I have various hobbies, like to travel and basically try to do more than just my job. However, all Nick does is work and play basketball with his brothers. He admitted to being a bit of a homebody. Although I am introverted and do enjoy occasional days or weekends where I just sit at home, I wouldn't define myself as a "homebody."

So he's kinda boring. I feel sorry for him. He really is a sweet guy, but as they say, nice guys finish last. That probably explains his lack of a girlfriend.

The fact that he never finished college is a bit of a turn-off too. But at least he has a decent job and works hard. That's not true for all college grads.

However, I know people tend to be more nervous and awkward on first dates than they might be on following dates. Because he is such a nice guy, I'm willing to try a second date with him before I give the feedback. I put it on him, though, to call me. After reading "He's Just Not That Into You," I refuse to chase a guy. Let him call me, let him chase me. Perhaps that's old fashioned, but I am notorious for being a chaser and misinterpreting friendliness for romantic interest. I'll give him a few days, and if he doesn't call, I'll send in my feedback. If he really likes me, he'll call.

So I'll just tell them that I want a guy who was basically a "Nick" but with hobbies and interests outside of work.

People have sex before marriage, really?

2010-05-02T15:59:00.000-07:00

I hung out with some fellow virgin friends of mine this weekend. Well, I can't say with 100% certainty that they are all virgins because I never asked them, but I suspect they all are. At the very least, they have "virginal" personalities, if that makes sense.

They fit a lot of the stereotypes I think people have of virgins.

One of them made a statement that made my stomach sink. First off, let me mention we're both in our mid-twenties. Even though I'm planning until at least my engagement before I get my cherry popped, I realize that my lifestyle is not the norm. Most people in their mid-twenties are not virgins. So it doesn't surprise me when people my age talk about premarital sex like it's no big deal and don't consider waiting until marriage. I thought all folks in their mid-twenties, virgin or not, knew this.

Well, not one of my virginal friends. She commented on a recent episode of "Glee." I don't watch the show so forgive my vague description. Anyway, she talked about how she was disappointed that the characters were so eager to talk about (and have) sex, and was especially disappointed in how one character was having sex. She didn't think he would do so because he seemed "strong." I guess that means she thought he wasn't the type to give into peer pressure. Even the characters who weren't having sex in that episode talked about having it in the near future. There was no talk about waiting until marriage, and she was saddened about that.

I said nothing, but thought, "For real? This shocks you?" I can't recall any teen sitcom promoting "no sex til marriage." How many teens make that commitment? And how many teens who make those commitments, a la True Love Waits, actually stick by that?

In all honesty, I don't know this girl all that well. She's a mutual friend who I've only hung out with occasionally. Perhaps she's lived a very sheltered life, where the norm amongst her circle of friends or acquaintances was "no sex til marriage." She's a very prayerful person. She's very into praying the Rosary and has a very nun-like spirituality. She likes the traditional Catholic prayers. She also has a very calm demeanor and is uber-humble. I discovered the depths of her humility this weekend, and it's almost unhealthy (Catholic guilt?), but anyway.

It made me wonder if this sort of mindset is actually the norm for virgins, if this stereotype is true. Are most virgins, even ones in their twenties, so naive? They are surprised that mainstream television presents/suggests premarital sex and never throws in the option of abstinence (or at least not in a positive light)?

Maybe I'm the outlier. Truly, though I plan to wait until engagement if not marriage, I really don't think premarital sex is a big deal...necessarily. Not every unmarried non-virgin is premiscuous. Some people are actually responsible and don't have sex outside of long-term relationships. For me, the preference is "not til marriage" because I've seen what drama can enfold once sex comes in, and a lot of that drama can be avoided if people just waited until marriage (and were serious about doing marriage right). There's just too much at stake. Maybe the Church's original reasons for telling people, "not til marriage" were more about subduing women, or demonizing sex, or only focusing on marriage=childrearing, but for me, that's not what it's about (and the Church, I think, is starting to give better reasons now).

But I know other people are on different journeys. So I can't make assumptions about all non-virgins. Maybe they do "get" what sex is about even though they didn't wait.

Cameo - Single Life

2010-04-28T12:00:00.000-07:00

I heard this song awhile ago on the R&B station and it's been in my head lately (the chorus anyway). OK, the song is definitely better than the cheeseball video, but hey...

Submission for One Single Life

2010-04-27T11:48:00.000-07:00

Here is the essay I'm submitting to Beth Knobbe. She's looking for essays on the single life.

~~~

It’s funny when people assume that singles live selfish, indulgent, Epicurean lives. We blow money on luxuries like lavish vacations, spa treatments, fancy cars, expensive drinks, memberships at yuppie gyms and condo lofts. We also don’t give to charity and date tons of people.

Yes, my life is just fraught with material luxuries. Now that I am middle income, I do take vacations. When I get to my destination, I stay in hostels, but they’re just four stars away from those fancy five star hotels. I get a massage twice per year, if I have a discount coupon. I get a pedicure at the nail shop in Chinatown once a year. I do have a car now. It’s a used, four door coupe, but still. Sometimes I go out to eat with friends, and I buy one entire drink (maybe) as well as blow $10 on my meal. I do work out at home with my two exercise DVD’s sometimes. I have my own place too. It’s in an un-hip part of town surrounded by factories, but, hey, no roommates! That’s glamorous, right? I guess I am a bit of a Scrooge as I’ve only donated money to lupus research, animal shelters, Vincentian priests and nuns as well as natural disaster relief. Before the group folded, I also volunteered once a month with a group all over my city, but I should have found somewhere else to volunteer once that group ended! Selfish me! Oh, I give to church too, but you’re supposed to do that. In terms of dating, I have dated four guys total. I didn’t go beyond date two with any of them and have never been in a relationship, but four sure is promiscuous!

I live this “extravagant” life without the $3000+ tax return parents receive, by the way.

If single people are selfish and indulgent, I must be an outlier. I guess I live more extravagantly than a homeless person, but I listen to Gandhi’s quote: “Live simply so that others may simply live.” My Catholic upbringing ingrained in me the idea of living simply and giving your extra to the poor. In fact, in Luke 21:1-4, Jesus praises the widow who gave all she had to the collection plate rather than ones who gave out of their surplus.

I was taught (and believe) that all the money and material possessions of the world mean nothing if you don’t have the love of God. We are supposed to store up treasures in Heaven, not on Earth. True joy and fulfillment comes from living the life God called you to live. Perhaps that life for me is perpetual singlehood, but that’s okay. If that’s the life God has for me, I have faith that it’ll be perfect for me, even if it’s lacking in some material comforts.

I do want to move away from these factories, however.

Matchmaking scam?

2010-04-23T21:44:00.000-07:00

Uh oh.

OK, if you use eLove, definitely do not take price at face value. There is no reason to pay more than you have to for this.

I did some perusing online, which I should have done before going to the interview (lesson learned). I googled matchmaking scams as well as e Love. Many of the matchmaking scams are pretty obvious. Russian bride scams, scams from small mom and pop organizations, matchmaking services that cost upwards of $100,000.

In terms of eLove, it seems to be a mixed bag. They were one of the top three rated companies at the Internet Dating & Matchmaking Conference. Also, upon looking it up at bbb.org, it's listed as a Better Business Bureau accredited business under its old name, The Right One.

But upon looking up The Right One on Ripoff Report, it is not without complaints. Many of the complaints are a few years old, though, and only one is for the office in my state. I guess the fact that the company has changed it's name over the years is a cause of concern, but it has bought out other companies. So that might be the reason for the name changes, not because they had so many complaints and therefore were changing their business name to cover their ass.

When I read the complaints though, many expressed disappointment at the matches. One man said the women were ugly.

Now I understand that if you give negative feedback about a date and the company sends you another match with the same qualities, you should complain. The woman I spoke to told me to be picky so they could pinpoint what I want. So if they don't take my feedback into account, then yes they have violated the agreement. One person said the match had a criminal record which is definitely grounds for complaint because eLove claims to do background checks.

But complaining because they gave you "ugly" people? You just didn't like the matches? Well, that's a risk you take with any matchmaking service. They can't guarantee chemistry.

But the potential loss is greater with a traditional maker.

I'll be explicit: they're charging me about $2000, which I'm paying off over the course of 24 months. So it comes out to about $70 a month. Hey, there are matchmaking services that cost over $10,000 and they originally were going to charge me $5000 to join. When I told her what I could afford per month, she was able to knock off more than half the price. True, there's a chance that they won't find me anyone within their pool, but that's a risk I'm taking. So I can't really be mad at them if nothing comes of it, as long as they're doing everything they claimed they would do on their end.

The company has 1000's of members and a few dozen complaints (many of the older ones listed on bbb.org were resolved, by the way). Any company is going to make mistakes now and then, and it's clear that certain offices are more guilty than others. As I said, my office only had one complaint. I have to give the benefit of the doubt that the majority of members are satisfied. I also found a story where they took on people who were rejected by beautifulpeople.com. Also, Online Dating Insider visited in November and said nothing along the lines of the complaints on Ripoff Report.

So if it's ok'ed by the Better Business Bureau, if other people in the matchmaking biz are taking it seriously, I guess I can calm down. And anyway, if they try to take away more money from me past the 24 months, I have another checking account I can transfer all my money to so they can't get me (until I can get them out of my hair).

It's gotta be legit. But I'll keep a critical eye open.

A lid for every pot

2010-04-23T19:47:00.001-07:00

Alright. I've done it. I joined a matchmaking service.

The service is called elove. It's beaucoup bucks, but they negotiated with me. I'm not at liberty to discuss the agreement, but if you try it out, don't be turned off by the price.

I'm feeling really positive about it! They called me up for a phone interview last week and I went in for my face-to-face interview today. The woman was very genuine, friendly, professional and approachable. She's been matchmaking for 10 years too.

Their process really is fascinating. It's not computerized matchmaking a la eharmony. I did fill out two surveys, but mainly it was about the interview. It was nice to talk to someone about what I wanted in a possible long term relationship. She said that the matchmakers come together with the applicants and literally fight over who should match with who. I heard that RA's are chosen in a similar way. It must be fun living vicariously through their clients, playing matchmaker.

What was a confidence booster for me however, was her reaction when I told her I'd never been in a long term relationship. She said, "but you're so bubbly and friendly." It was nice to have someone who didn't analyze my lack of a boyfriend as due to something wrong with me. She also said I was cute and looked "different" in a good way, like men should be drawn to me when I enter a room. I know that might sound fishy, like she was just feeding me a line, but she really seemed impressed with me and sincere. It's hard to describe. Anyway, she understood the struggles I've been having and reassured me that my experience was normal, that there are lots of people in my boat.

Also, I was so grateful that they cut me a deal. She must have really sold me to her boss. She even said, "I don't want money to keep you from finding love." Again, I know that when you read that online, it might sound like she was just feeding me a line, but I think she really was sincere. My disappointment upon seeing the price must have choked her as it choked me. It was heartbreak, really. Just as I was feeling good that maybe I can be matched, that I'm not such an oddball, that someone can find me a quality man, that there is a lid for the pot that is me, I turned hopeless.

I usually don't feel dejected about my single status and don't become hopeless at the idea that there might be no match for me. However after the stressful two weeks, I've had, after the bad news I've received in the past 24 hours, this was just...I don't know. It was a Murphy's Law moment. "Even a matchmaker can't help me? I really do need to just get this dating stuff out my head."

But now, in 7-10 days, I can expect a call, just in time for my trip to Memphis next weekend :-P. Great. It's expensive, yes, more than eharmony or match.com or any online dating site. However, I think this investment will bring a better return than the money I've wasted on trial online dating memberships. It's clear that after 8 months of doing this on my own, I need help. Online dating just isn't yielding anything serious. I can't find quality men online for free.

Matchmaker, matchmaker, make me a match...

Three boys? Which to choose?

2010-04-19T20:04:00.000-07:00

So after nothing (really) since January, I can potentially have 3 boys to choose from.

I still have an almost-crush on Mark from the Book Club. He's starting to smile and look at me more, which is better than bad, though still neutral. Whenever I speak at the Book Club, he's a captive listener and always responds to me...well okay he responds to everyone. Whenever he talks about a previous meeting, though, he looks at me, though I'm not the only member of the group who went to the previous meeting. Look at me! I'm acting like Anne in Persuasion. Any little gesture or movement makes me go, "Maybe he likes me!" He hasn't asked for my number, made small talk with me after a meeting or facebooked me. He has my first and last name, so if he wanted to track me down, it wouldn't be difficult. I guess he really isn't that into me.

Then there's Kyle, the boring guy from the virgin website. His contact is infrequent and his profile pic is a little unsettling. Not warm and smiley. Very cold and hard. However, he said he'll be in town soon and would like to meet up, and I just can't get the nerve to say, "Uh, I don't want to meet you anymore because you're boring and look kinda scary." I might do the trick of having someone give me an "emergency" call part way into the date. "Sorry Kyle. My best friend is having a boy problems big time. I can't get into details but I need to cut it short and give her a call back." Something like that. He's not on any social network, which makes cyber-stalking difficult. On my google search, I found him on some car forums, that's it. I just want to make sure he isn't a psycho.

Finally, I'm going to try out elove, a local matchmaking service. They called me one night for a phone consultation (I left my contact info at Speed Dating) and I was too tired to just hang up on them and say, "No thanks." However, it sounds like a really thorough company. I set up an appointment for a face-to-face interview, which is supposed to take about 90 minutes. Yeah, hardcore. They do background checks on everyone too. Well, if it's less than $100, I'll try out the service. They claim to have a good success rate. Considering I have made little progress online dating of late, it's worth a shot I suppose. My money might actually go somewhere, unlike the $30 each I wasted on eharmony and match.com.

Be careful what you wish for. I'm most excited about elove. Even if I don't go with the service, it'll be nice to just talk to a "Relationship Specialist" anyway.

A call for essays: The joys of being single

2010-04-19T11:12:00.000-07:00

Beth Knobbe, a friend of a friend of mine, is working for a book by St. Anthony's press about Single Life. She's looking for 500 word essays that address the joys and struggles (but emphasis on joy) of being single. If you're interested in submitting your own anecdote, you can find information at One Single Life. I plan on submitting an essay either regarding single stereotypes or about the idea that you're not an adult until marriage. Hurry though. The deadline is APRIL 30, 2010.

you go Offbeat Bride!

2010-04-15T11:31:00.000-07:00

I like the wedding blog, Offbeat Bride, although I am no where near planning a wedding. I'm still working on finding dates! It's just inspirational seeing people do what THEY want to do, regardless of what society (and the wedding industry) says a wedding should be.

Recently, they had a post about losing your virginity on your wedding night. Some of the advice goes against what Catholics are "supposed" to do (or rather, not do :-P), but I still thought the advice as well as the comments that followed made good points. I particularly liked how they said you shouldn't leave your pleasure completely in the hands of your partner. Communicate!

Personally, although I used to say I would wait until "the wedding night," I'm not so sure about that now. Firstly, not all virgins feel like sex after all the craziness of the wedding day, so I might be exhausted too. Also, I don't know if I want to be bumbling and fumbling so much on the wedding night or the honeymoon. I might amend that goal of mine to "wait until we move in together." No, I'm not saying I want to cohabitate pre-engagement. But seriously, if we move in together a week or so before the wedding day, does it really matter if we wait until the proverbial wedding night? Now we're supposed to wait one or two weeks AFTER we move in to hook up? I mean, really. Is that a reasonable expectation?

I don't know, but it looks like I have quite a while before I have to worry about that anyway!

violently in love

2010-04-13T12:04:00.001-07:00

In Pride and Prejudice, Austen describes Mr. Darcy as violently in love with Elizabeth...I think. Well, I'm not 100% sure, but that fits my attitude lately. Or at least, it fits where I want to be.

Let me be more specific. I'm in the mood for someone to be violently in love with me. I want a secret admirer. Recently, I've been watching more lovey-dovey types of shows in movies. In particular, I'm eagerly awaiting the series finale of one of my favorite shows, "Ugly Betty." No, I'm not a "Detty" per se. I don't want Betty to fall for Daniel in the final episode and for them to run off in each other's arms. That would be a cheesey way to end the series. However, after Hilda's marriage and Daniel looking so lovingly at Betty, I do want him to confess.

Hey, when you're a single virgin, sometimes you live vicariously through fictional characters!

Add to that nicer Spring weather plus recently finishing Persuasion and now I want some guy to be madly, violently in love with me. I want to be adored. Honestly, I do want some (worthy) man to stumble and falter from violent love in my presence. I want to give a man butterflies. I want a guy to be enchanted by me. Needless to say, I'm more eager to get more serious about online dating, at least compared to the apathy I've been feeling since February.

The moderator of the book club I joined, Mark, might be my next crush pending further investigation. ;-P I know little about him other than he's single, likes books and is a phD student. He's at a pretty smarty-pants school and an immigrant. I don't know his sexuality nor do I know if he's "into" someone else. For a moment, I suspected if he was into me, but no major signs are there. Plus, because I "almost" am in pursuit of him, I might be misinterpreting neutral singles for romantic interest. I do that a lot. Anyway, I tried to get there early, to the book club meeting I mean, to try and attempt some small talk, but it wasn't early enough. One other man was there, and I had a burst of nervousness. If I'm not comfortable around him, that might not be a good sign.

In any case, I am determined not to chase after guys or lust after guys who don't like me. That has been my pattern since....always. No more! I know a little imagining doesn't hurt, but I can't let this almost-crush keep me from remaining active in online dating.

Why am I still single?...

2010-04-09T18:44:00.000-07:00

Every now and then I revisit this question, "Why am I single?" in an attempt to be honest with myself and try to logically analyze something that's emotional. How can you rationalize feelings or attraction?

I identified several reasons why I was single prior to online dating and then after beginning this journey. Today, though, I re-realized something else about myself that could be a hindrance.

Something nearly disastrous happened at work today. I won't go into details, but to give something a little concrete, I took charge of a project of sorts. I wasn't the only leader, but I really was the main one. Due to miscommunication, a big mistake happened. I rightfully assumed everything was okay and that the worst didn't happen. However, because I was in charge, I felt like the near-catastrophe was my fault. If the worst had happened, I could have lost my job. Also, the miscommunication could have been avoided had I taken certain preventative measures, which I forgot to take in all the hustle and bustle of the day. After four years in this sort of job, I felt like I should have known better, but made rookie mistakes. I just hope word of this doesn't get to the new boss (we had a regime change at work recently), as everything was supposedly settled with all parties involved. I did apologize to those most affected by my error. I just don't want the first thing the new boss hears about me to be something like this, when typically, I'm very organized, thoughtful and conscientious.

As you may have noticed, when something bad happens to me or people under my "watch," I blame myself. I have this tendency to take on too much responsibility for bad things that happen in my life. "X happened because I don't have control." "It's my fault that Y happened." "If Mr. B had been in charge instead of me, Q wouldn't have happened." "Z because happened because I didn't do X and Y." Then I start ruminating and ruminating. However, I've found ways to process and release the ruminations in my introverted way. After leaving work and running some errands, I have a clearer head now and can reflect in a more forgiving way on my actions today.

Nevertheless, this "it's my fault" mentality, my tendency to take things personally, leaks into my reflections about why I'm single. I too often think, "I'm single because of something I'M doing wrong." "I'm not trying hard enough." "I'm not putting myself out there." "I'm not making myself look attractive." "I'm not willing to put out." It's a classic scenario of brain vs. emotion for me. In my brain, I know that the reason I'm perpetually single might not have much to do with me at all. Maybe I just haven't met the right man. Or, to put it in a religious context, maybe God does have a man for me, but we're not ready to meet yet. But then my emotions, I guess, kick in, and I start thinking my singledom is all my fault.

It's something I need to work on, this taking things too personally. This could be a real problem should I get into a long-term relationship. I just hope my INTJ tendencies keep me in the logic zone, and that I maintain an ability to look at things objectively.

Off Track

2010-03-31T16:06:00.000-07:00

So I didn't hit my New Years Resolution goal for this month. In all honesty, I didn't try very hard. I didn't follow my own advice of staying active on dating sites. In my defense, I have been busy this month (and just came back from being out of town). I was not in a dating frame of mind. Also, remember, I actually have been doing the online dating thing for seven months, not merely 3. The novelty is wearing off, needless to say.

Online dating has been discouraging. I've met 4 guys and did not go past "dating" with any of them. Most of the guys who message me don't read my profile, and the tone of their messages makes me think they're just looking for a fling. And the current young man I'm talking to, well, I'm just going to stop.

I know, beauty is only skin deep. Inner beauty is more important than outer beauty. However, Kyle has nothing going for him. His personality is blah. He also finally posted a pic of his whole face on the dating site, and his looks are blah. He's kind of scary looking with his lack of a smile, actually. It looked more like a mug shot. I know some guys are too macho, and too cool to smile. I don't like that. I pictured Kyle to be a shy but warm and sweet type, with a slightly scruffy, Johnny Depp-esque sense of style. His picture changes my view of him to a cold, unwelcoming type whose style is "black." He cut his hair too and now has a buzzcut. He had ear-length hair before, which I prefer on guys. He also finally listed his religion as "spiritual but not religious." Eh, I'm not opposed to trying out a "spiritual" man (Nate was Agnostic), but if this is in addition to a boring personality, not interested.

No wonder he's a 28 year old virgin.

Kyle sent me another email Friday, before I went out of town. I'm not going to write back. Yeah, I'm going to "play the game" a bit and not write back to see if that elicits a follow up "how are you, haven't heard from you in a while" email. I'm sure he's not that into me, and the feeling is mutual. Might as well just let the correspondence fade.

I'm not abandoning my resolution. Just because I slip up once is no reason to stop. I need to make it a priority again. Spring Break will provide a good opportunity to do just that.

Passive Agressive Brides and Jerseylicious

2010-03-21T11:59:00.000-07:00

My entry refers to the segment below starting at 1:27.

Recently, while sitting in the waiting room at Jiffy Lube, I found myself watching Tyra's talk show. Don't hate! I do like Tyra, though I never watch her show. Anyway, on this episode, she talked to the cast of "Jerseylicious" and included questions from the audience. One young woman talked about how, as a perpetual bridesmaid, she always has to wear hideous bridesmaid dresses, and how she's sick of it. Alexa told the young woman to basically "tailor" the dress to make herself look hot. She also said that brides who submit their bridesmaids to ugly dresses are being passive aggressive, so it's alright to be passive aggressive right back to them.

I've only been to two weddings and I've never been a bridesmaid, so I don't know how accurate Alexa's point of view is. Are brides really so obsessed with being pretty that they don't want their maids to look pretty? However, it seems to make some sense. At both weddings I attended, the dresses did not look like dresses the maids could wear again, though one wedding had prettier dresses than the other. One wedding had matronly bridesmaid dresses. The outfit was a brown skirt with a white lacy top that did nothing for their figures. So in a way, I applaud Alexa's "eff you, bride" response of fixing the unflattering dress so that you look hot too.

Now, I understand that every bride wants to feel beautiful on her wedding day. She wants to wear the prettiest, most flattering dress she ever wore. She wants everyone to turn their heads when she passes. Every woman has the right to look and feel fabulous on her wedding day.

That shouldn't be at the expense, though, of her maids, who most likely are her dearest friends and family. She should feel secure enough in herself that she needn't worry about any of her maids "outdoing" her. It's a sacrament, not a beauty pageant. The maids have the right to feel beautiful too.

It made me reflect on what I would do if I ever got married. The blog, Offbeat Bride, has inspired me to go against the grain should I decide to marry. Why do all the bridesmaids need to wear the same dress anyway? Every person's body is different. I would be so pissed if my friend asked me to be a bridesmaid and then had me buy a dress with a color that flushed out my skin and a cut that was tight in all the wrong places. I hope that if I ever marry, I'll say to my bridesmaids, "buy whatever formal dress you want, just make sure it's color A or color B," depending on what my wedding colors are. I understand you might want some unity among the bridesmaids for the sake of the pictures and whatnot. So maybe I'll give them the same bouquet. However, my point is I don't want my bridesmaids, who'll be my closest friends and family, to feel ugly at my expense, just to solidify my position as the prettiest woman in the wedding.

Although I'm not a fan of reality shows, particularly when they focus so much on outer beauty and divas, maybe I will check out Jerseylicious one day.

matchmaker matchmaker...

2010-03-15T19:18:00.000-07:00

This song has been in my head the past 24 hours. I've been a bit skeptical of all matchmaking services, casual or online, needless to say. Most resonant line: "Up to this minute I misunderstood that I could get stuck for good!"

Dreams

2010-03-07T14:01:00.001-08:00

I try not to put too much stock in dreams. Some people read so much into them, as if they are prophecies, as if we are all Joseph and the amazing technicolor dreamcoat. True, dreams can give us some insight into our feelings, as people we are thinking a lot about often appear in our sleep. Although our dreams have some meaning, sometimes the meaning is mundane. We dream about work because we go there every day. We dream about guns because we watched an action-packed movie. We dream about our mothers after we have a fight with them.

Despite my logical, left-brainer approach to them, I sometimes am troubled by my dreams. Last night, I dreamt about someone I used to have a crush on, years ago, in freshman year of undergrad: "Tim." Tim is not too dissimilar to Walter. Both are liberal, radical activist types. Very political, and both a bit self-righteous, as in "you can't be a true radical/leftist/liberal unless you give up x, y, and z!" Walter, however, is religious while Tim is Atheist. The Atheism, angry self-righteousness and difference in sexual morals were what turned me off of Tim. Really, I had a thing for Tim mainly because I thought he liked me. Honestly, I still sometimes wonder if he harbors some attraction to me. I like to play with stories in my head. I started (and abandoned) a story based on him, about a young, Atheist, hard-ass liberal who falls for a good church girl, and just can't squelch the love, though it's unrequited. Perhaps I'm just in the mood for a good, unrequited love story. But upon more reflection, I always conclude that it is impossible for him to have a secret, seven year crush on me.

Anyway, my dream. I dreamt I was at a party, at the end of the night. I guess it was too late to go home on my own, so I laid down to sleep in one of those long, reclining lawn chairs, on the porch of the apartment where the party was held. It was dark, quiet, just some porch lights on. The sky was dark brown. Mild temperature, just a light breeze. I wasn't wearing a jacket. I was half asleep in the dream, so very relaxed and paying little attention to my environment. Along comes Tim, who lays on top of me (we're both fully clothed), and just wraps his arms around me and sleeps quietly. So warm, so nice it was to have another body mass lay on me. He wasn't heavy, I didn't choke, but I could feel the evenly distributed weight. He wasn't trying to make out or take off my clothes. Just laying. I wrapped my arms around him, his head just below my neck, on the left side of my chest. I felt so peaceful, it felt so natural, I didn't want it to end. My lips parted, waiting, excited, because I knew with his experience, he must be a good kisser. He shifted a little when I parted my lips.

And the dream ended, of course. It always ends before the best part.

And of course, it was one of the last dreams I had before waking up, so it's been on my mind all day. I woke up hot and bothered, not surprisingly. Passion unfulfilled. I do not have a crush on him anymore, though I believe his personality has improved. He isn't quite as angry and self-righteous as he became when the Iraq war started. He's more like the old Tim, laid back, funny, and now more gentlemanly. If only he weren't Atheist and sooo horny. There are qualities in him that I would like in a boyfriend.

Just the same, after last night's dream, if he ever leaned against me on the couch tried to sneak in a kiss with a hug, I can't say I'd push him away. :-P No, I am not interested in a FWB, but a peck (or two) wouldn't hurt!

Weeding out the lames

2010-03-06T17:46:00.000-08:00

One of the pros of online dating is you can weed out potential dates who are boring or horndogs. Such is the case lately with the current guy I'm talking to online.

I'm having flirting withdrawl, so I was excited when Kyle messaged me. Kyle is the boy from the "virgin dating" website who messaged me in December. He was eager to talk to with me, and I thought, "Yay, flirting time!"

Flirting is no fun when the flirting is one-sided. Apparently, one of the reasons this young man is a virgin is because he's shy when it comes to women. That's becoming painfully clear in our messages. I'm very good at keeping my messages brief, positive and interesting, leaving opportunities for the man to ask questions. I'll say "I take dance class on the weekends." Therefore, the man should respond, "What sort of dance do you take? How long have you been taking it?" If I say, "you're so sweet," he should reply, "you sound sweet as well." Right?

He's not asking about me at all, writing too-brief messages (last one was 3 sentences long) and is taking more than 24 hours to respond to each email. Red flag! After reading "He's Just Not That Into You," now I don't think a guy is interested in me if it takes more than 24 hours for him to respond to an EMAIL. Is it really that hard to type an email? In a full blown relationship, no, I don't think I'll need my boyfriend to talk to me every day, but early in the courtship, I now know that it's crucial to respond quickly. If a man doesn't, he's not that into me. No matter how busy a man is, if he likes you, he'll find time to communicate with you daily.

So Kyle is not so fun to talk to. He's about 3 hours away from me anyway, and his life does not sound particularly interesting. But I guess it's good I found this out now. Better to discover he's boring now than go on a date with him and discover it later. I'm not chasing this guy, and don't care if the emails cease altogether. I guess I'll just have to find someone else to flirt with.

How NOT to be a prude virgin

2010-02-28T18:21:00.000-08:00

Virgins are often stereotyped as prude, ashamed of their bodies and shy. Most of the world (virgins included) think one needs to have sex in order to have a sexuality. However, a woman can celebrate her womanhood in healthy ways, even if she's a virgin.

I know the idea of a virgin who loves her body and has a sexuality might not make sense. For instance, in Latino culture, there is the idea that a woman can either be a "Madonna" (virgin) or a "whore." There is no in-between. You are either pure or slutty. This Madonna/whore dichotomy I think exists in many cultures, though perhaps it is most pronounced in Latino culture.

Anyway, now when I tell people I'm a virgin, they are shocked. Perhaps it's because I'm so old to still be a virgin, but I'd like to think it's because I'm not a total prude. ;-) Based on my experience (and also including advice from my friends), here are ways I've found a virgin woman can still have a sexuality.

1) Join a bellydance class- Contrary to popular belief, bellydance is not inherently exotic stripperdance. It's a safe, fun way to move your body in a manner that is very natural to women. The sisterhood that permeates bellydance classes is also infectious.

2) Buy sexy, matching underwear- Wearing sexy underwear makes you feel sexier. Even if no one will see it but you, it is cool to see your body in a sexy panty and bra set. It also helps one feel sexier when buried under layers of sweaters during winter.

3) Go to a "Surprise Party" once- Surprise Parties (and the like) are basically grown up "tupperware" parties. I was slightly uncomfortable at first, but in the end, I found it to be quite educational. Also, the party was not promoting promiscuous sexual behavior. The emphasis was on enhancing the romance in your relationship. It's a fun girls night out.

4) Have a makeover party-If going to a sex toy party is too much (or too "sinful") for you, a tamer girls night out/girls day would be painting your nails with your girlfriends. It taps into your inner five year old, playing dress-up, making yourself even prettier.

5) Take a burlesque class or pole dancing class-OK, a bit ago, I indirectly criticized stripping by saying that bellydance is not exotic stripperdance. However, on a trip to Montreal, I happened upon an outdoor burlesque lesson at a street fest. FYI, the teacher did not strip down all the way during the lesson! Once again though, it's just plain fun! It's about being flirty and emphasizing/celebrating your best assets, so to speak. I am determined to take a burlesque workshop. You don't strip all the way in burlesque classes, by the way. Also, similar to bellydance, pole dancing provides a workout that includes womanly moves. You can get in shape without making your body "manly," meaning too much muscle and not enough curves.

6) Show off when you go out- Great calves? Wear a skirt that shows them off. Beautiful eyes? Find a complimentary eyeshadow color to draw attention to them. Got a nice pair of girls? Wear a v-neck. I used to be afraid of showing any part of my chest, until my mom once said from outside the dressing room, "You can't help what God gave you!" I was 17 at the time, and it changed how I shopped for clothes. If you can't hide it, might as well embellish it.

7) See the "Vagina Monologues"-Yes, some of the women in the monologues didn't feel sexy until someone had sex with them, but overall, the message is about loving your body, loving your self, and not being ashamed of your vagina/sexuality. Plus, proceeds from the monologues always benefit a good cause related to helping abused and oppressed women.

Will all the virgins please stand up?

2010-02-25T19:15:00.000-08:00

Virgins over the age of 22 that is.

Being childfree makes dating difficult. Being a virgin adds even more difficulty to this. Perhaps if I was sexually active, I'd be more flirty and outgoing because I'd be also looking for some physical loving too. That would motivate me to be more active and extroverted in my dating.

Also, nobody wants to date (and therefore, have sex with) a virgin, at least not anybody past high school age. In my lowest moments, I wondered if I should just lose the virginity already and make myself more marketable, as it were. But those moments, thankfully, are brief, and I realize how dumb that sounds. Just eff anybody for the hell of it? What?

Anyway, I'm on a childfree dating website and a "virgins only" dating site. On both sites, there are hardly any men available in my state (in the age range I selected). On the virgin site, two men. On the childfree site, about half a dozen. This is ridiculous. How in the world can I meet someone? Am I really so hard to match?

The glimmer of light is one of the two virgin guys in my state messaged me, in December. I couldn't respond because I wasn't a premium member, and the site's membership upgrade page wasn't working in December. So I couldn't even open the message until tonight. I discovered that the upgrade option works now, so signed up for 3 months. I give the dating sites (that cost money) 3 months to find me someone. Apparently, he doesn't want kids either. Wha? And he's in his late 20's. A self-proclaimed virgin who doesn't want kids? Seriously? He's not the cutest young man. He has an awful outfit in his profile pic. Some tweed jacket that's too big for him and a 40's style hat, like he's trying to be "vintage." But I'm willing to at least talk to him. I don't know if he'll respond. I can't say I would respond to someone who took 2 months to respond to me. But we'll see.

If it's not meant to be, it's not meant to be. However, I am eager to practice my flirting skills with someone, especially after watching some Jane Austen-style flirting on "Pride and Prejudice."

"When In Rome" review

2010-02-24T15:36:00.000-08:00

Once again, I was single on Valentine's Day. It's usually the one time of year I really want a boyfriend. My inner, bitter single girl would come out and I would flash dirty looks at the happy couples as they walked by...well, their backs were turned, but still. The past couple years, however, I wasn't so bitter. I spent the day with good friends of mine both years. This year, my best friend and I did what single ladies probably should not do on Valentine's Day: we saw "When In Rome," a rom com.

Usually I'm a sucker for romantic comedies. Yes they are predictable, yes they always seem to have a happy ending, yes some lines are cheesey, cliche even, but I like them anyway. However, now that I've actively tried to date and have been learning dating do's and don'ts, learning about how young men operate when dating someone, somehow, this romantic comedy just didn't please me. It was too cheesey, celebrating the pathetic and nonexistent. Case in point, Elizabeth (the main character) has a younger sister, who marries a guy she met on a plane after two weeks of knowing each other. The younger sister spouts the usual "he's the one, I'm just so happy with him," lines. Call me cynical, but I believe love at first sight is extremely rare, especially because during the first two weeks of dating someone, those euphoric feelings are typical. The novelty of a new person hasn't worn off yet. You're still getting to know each other then. How can anyone decide to marry someone after two weeks? That's attraction, infatuation, lust, not love!

Actually, "When In Rome," pretty much is all about love at first sight. But man, it's so easy to confuse that initial excitement with love. That's all it is, excitment, a feeling, fleeting, yet in this movie, people are making life decisions during that stage of dating. I just couldn't get into it. Maybe before I started dating more seriously, I'd take the movie less seriously and really enjoy the nice light romp. All I really enjoyed about the movie was Anjelica Huston (one of my favorite actresses who had a cameo) and Jon Heder (Napoleon from "Napoleon Dynamite"). It's amazing how Huston can take a stock character, the mean female boss, and make her cool, give her that Huston flair. How does she do it?

If you haven't seen the movie, don't. Not worth ten-ish dollars. My friend really enjoyed it, but she has a high tolerance for cheesiness (higher than me, anyway). The acting is mediocre, the ending dance number is corny, and it calls attraction "love." Some moments were funny and a couple lines were wise, but the little glimmers of light just weren't enough.

the dance of dating

2010-02-14T21:29:00.000-08:00

Yesterday, I met my resolution's goal for February and didn't even realize it until afterward.

In the spirit of doing what I love, a female friend and I went to a free dance lesson in my city. It was honky tonk, so we thought it was line dancing, but it was actually partner dancing. Oops. We came without guys and we haven't known each other long enough to be comfortable dancing together. :-P Honky tonk isn't our favorite type of music and I had enough country music when I lived in the south! However, I like dancing and am always up for a free dance lesson, even if it's honky tonk two step. The lesson was followed by a couple hours of dancing, accompanied by a live honky tonk band.

Well, after the lesson, both she and I were asked to dance several times by different men. It sure was nice to be drawn from wallflower-dom! I'm not feminist enough to ask a strange man to dance. That's when traditional gender roles kick in with me. I like being asked to dance though, a man taking my hand to the floor and then taking me by the hand back to my seat.

It occurred to me that dancing with strangers is not dissimilar to dating. If only women thought of dating as a "dance" rather than hunting for a spouse! We wouldn't go so nuts when the date doesn't call us back. Dancing is a microcosm of dating. You spend a little time with a man, and then try out another one. You expect that you might not see them again after that night, but it was fun in the meantime. Some men are good dancers, some are not so good, but you roll with it, and there's no need to see the bad dancers again. It's all about getting out there and having fun.

So now I have another activity to add to my list of ways to meet more guys: free dance lessons. Maybe I should try going alone one day. I'd rather go to a dance lesson alone than a singles event.

Body Image, Self Esteem and Virginity

2010-02-09T12:53:00.000-08:00

One stereotype I've heard about virgins is that virgins are virgins because we don't think we're attractive or "eff"-able (to put it politely). Well, I don't think that my body is hideous, but I pondered this as I read a friend of mine's blog. She talked a little about how she struggled with self-body-hate. Upon becoming sexually active, though, her insecurities about one particular part of her body were gone. It took sex for her to get over (or at least begin getting over) hating her body. Whoa. An extreme solution to a solve-able problem, I think! Although, I guess some wouldn't think sex is such an extreme solution. Rather, some might argue that's the natural, normal solution to low body image.

Then why have I met so many sexually active women who are still insecure about their bodies? Who freak out at the thought of baring their belly to strangers (which I've done as a bellydancer)? Who are shy about trying on a corset at a female-only party? If you have low self esteem before sex, you'll probably have low self esteem after it too, apparently. I think your perception of your beauty, your love for your body, should come from within and not be based on whether or not others want to have sex with you. But I guess that's yet another reason why I'm (still) a virgin. I don't need a guy to fondle me to feel sexy or beautiful.

I tried to find some studies which researched self esteem (or body image) and virginity. Now that I'm no longer a student, access to scholarly articles is difficult. I only found two studies. However, both yielded results which question the idea that virgins have low self esteem or hate their bodies. This excerpt suggested that there was no significant difference in the level of self esteem between sexually active adolescent girls and non sexually active girls. This study, however, basically said the lower the self esteem of younger teenage girls, the more likely they were to become sexually active early. So girls with higher self esteem initiated intercourse later.

By the way, it was the opposite with boys. High self esteem in boys led to earlier initiation of coitus. Perhaps this view of virgins as having low self esteem is based on the male experience, then? Once again, female experience is based on the male experience, but I'll leave that rant to another feminist who can speak to that more precisely than me.

Anyway, contradictory results? Maybe, but based on these two results, I conclude that virgin females, particularly older ones, have either the same amount of self esteem or more compared to the mean self esteem of their nonvirgin peers. So no, we don't think lower of ourselves than the nonvirgins think of themselves. There is more than one reason why virgins remain virgins. Sure, some hate their bodies or don't think their preferred sex will find them sexy. Some just never had the chance. Some are virgins for religious reasons. Some just have a low sex drive. Some are fearful of STD's or pregnancy. Some already feel attractive and don't need external affirmation. Some already have enough body "fun" without the assistance of a partner.

Once again, I'm glad to be in the place I'm in regarding my self esteem and body image. I'm happy I love my body. I don't always like it, and I know it's imperfect, but I love it.

Spoke too soon

2010-02-09T11:34:00.000-08:00

Rats.

Previously, I said that I was glad that Steven hadn't called me back, that the disinterest was mutual. Well, see, I gave him my "online dating" email address. I use that address for all my correspondence with online dates and don't check it daily (sometimes just once a week). The other day, I discovered that he had emailed me a few times in the past week. It was mostly interesting or funny things he found online which he thought I would like as well. However, he also asked about hanging out again.

Ugh. I had to go through this in college. I suspected a friend was attracted to me, but I wanted to be friends only. So I treated him more coldly than my other friends so that he wouldn't think I liked him. It didn't work, by the way, and after two months, I told him directly that I wanted to remain friends.

It really isn't my nature to be cold and distant (despite my introversion). I really am a friendly person. So now, I'll be checking myself, making sure I do nothing that can misinterpreted as flirting: control the laughter, avoid body contact, A-hugs, withold compliments, block smiles, cross arms and legs (close the body language, in other words). I have to force myself to be less friendly. He's a nice guy, and I don't want to just blow him off or say, "I don't want to hang out with you because I don't have a crush on you." How rude! Hopefully, he just wants to stay friends too and I'm overreacting. After all, email is so impersonal, especially after we've already exchanged numbers. If he was smitten, he'd call, wouldn't he?

Do what's best for you-part two

2010-02-07T19:48:00.000-08:00

There actually wasn't going to be a part two, but events today further confirmed this new mantra of mine.

Since Nate, there has been no man who's piqued my interest. I went on a date with Steven in January, and though the date was not bad, there was mutual disinterest, thankfully.

As usual, I started to get fatalistic again, as in "Well, I guess there is no guy for me after all. I should just give up this fruitless endeavor and go on with my single life." I was starting to feel silly for even trying to date. I'm a perpetually single virgin in my mid-twenties after all. How good are my chances of getting a boyfriend, really?

Today I was reminded of the phrase, "there're other fish in the sea." I'm altering my resolution somewhat. I said I'd go on one new date or to one new singles event every month. However, although I enjoyed Speed Dating, singles mixers at bars don't appeal to me (though I've bookmarked some such meetups). I decided that if I want to meet an intellectual sort (who therefore will be more likely to be childfree), I need another strategy for meeting such a guy. I thought about taking a class, but the problem is most classes I'd be interested in taking lack men. So I decided to do something I always wanted to do anyway: join a book club. Dorky? Yes. But even if I don't find a date or boyfriend, at least I'll be doing something I enjoy. If I want to be articulate and charming, I should do things that put me in non-threatening, unintimidating situations.

Well actually, there was a cute, ph.D student in the book club, "Mark." :-) I didn't talk one-on-one with him. Shame on me! Another missed flirting opportunity. But I was in a comfortable setting and did contribute funny and interesting tidbits to the conversation. Made him laugh a couple times, which is always good for building rapport. Will I go after this guy? I don't know. I don't even know if he's single. However, it woke up my inner dater. How silly of me to give up so quickly! Of course there are other men out there. Of course I haven't exhausted all eligible bachelors.

Needless to say, I will be returning to the book club in two weeks, for two reasons. ;-) Even if we're never more than acquaintances, Mark has inspired me to keep trying.

Do what's best for you

2010-02-04T10:53:00.001-08:00

I recently had a facebook conversation with someone regarding introversion. Her status update asked, "What is your life story telling you about yourself?" I answered, "That I need to embrace my introversion." She responded with, "Don't let it rule you." The statement bugged me, because that's exactly what I need to do.

For the record, I am not a hermit. My job involves working with people directly. I take dance class and am part of a discussion group on the weekends. Also, I see at least one of my closest friends once a month. On top of that, I have three people I attend Mass with on Sundays. So I'm an introvert with good social skills. ;-)

However, I have recently seen the light. Over and over again, society devalues introverts. We are told to "be more outgoing," "get out of our shells," "talk more." In other words, introversion is seen as a negative that needs to be remedied. How often are extroverts told to "be less outgoing," "go into your shell," or "talk less?" Although I agree socializing is beneficial to the soul (humans are social creatures after all), I disagree that wanting to crawl in a shell necessarily means one is anti-social. On top of that, solo activities, such as reading a book, painting, journaling or taking a bath, are seen as "doing nothing." Those are unnecessary luxuries. Bathing I suppose is a necessity, but bathing just for the sake of relaxing might be seen as a luxury. In America, we "live to work," not "work to live," after all.

The Shy Single taught me a valuable lesson though, especially in terms of dating. One of the messages of the book was to put oneself in dating situations where one is at one's best. So if you bumble and fumble at "Single's Events," where it's you and a bunch of strangers, don't do that. If you're intimidated at fancy restaurants, don't take your date there. Figure out in which situations you are most comfortable, and seek out those. Although going out my comfort zone sometimes improved me, at other times, it put me in awkward, uncomfortable situations. The only lesson learned in those cases was, "Don't do that again."

I like first dates to be at cute, independent coffee shops followed by a walk in the park (weather permitting). So I've gone on most dates at the same cafe. I don't like eating on first dates and I don't like meeting at night, so I try to avoid both those. Tea and a walk in the park suit me fine. I'm most comfortable (and therefore most charming) on such dates.

So although my friend/mentor meant well, she didn't realize the inherent bias in her statement. I will no longer fight who I am nor will I be ashamed of it. Sometimes I prefer solitude to people, and it's nothing that needs to be fixed. There is nothing wrong with nightly "me time."